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Original poster

I think my son is suffering with lonliness

27 replies

Julie69392 · 30/07/2022 11:45

So my son (Who is now 35) has always been a quiet lad and is also on autistic spectrum, growing up he just never really had much friends and then when he hit his 20s He focused alot on his career. Career and money wise he has done excellent, has a very good paying job and even brought his own house last year.

He has alot of traits which women go for (i.e handsome, tall, has a good paying job and doesnt have any addictions etc) but I can understand why he has never been in a relationship because he has always had a bit of trouble when it comes to social skills and socializing.

Even when it came to explaining things he would have trouble and usually he would have to physically show you or even draw out what he is trying to explain.

But about a week ago we were at his cousins wedding which we all had a great time, My son actually got drunk for once (lol) but after the wedding he came back to our house instead of his but he started opening up to me about how lonely his life is.

Now my son never use to complain or even talk about his feelings growing up although maybe he might of hid them from me because thats a thing which many men seem to do.

he started talking about how he would love to get married and start his own family someday but feel like its too late. All his friends/cousins are pretty much married or in relationships with kids involved. He then started saying that what was the point in working hard for money and buying a house because I have no family of my own to look after.

I felt sorry for him because it must feel bad seeing everyone else around you getting married, getting into relationships, having kids etc while you feel like you are being left on the shelf but I reassured him that he will find the right woman someday

OP posts:
CadburyCrunchy · 30/07/2022 12:08

@Julie69392 your son sounds like a lovely, thoughtful young man who has done well in life and achieved a lot with a career and place to live etc... he's only 35 and has plenty of time to meet someone...

Often people start assessing their lives after attending weddings and think about what they don't have rather than what they do have... it's normal, everyone does it! It's an emotional day but it's only one day and a snippet of a couples life where everything looks perfect on the outside...

Advise your DS to take up some hobbies with a social element rather than solitary where there's more chance of making friends, then he'll make connections... maybe he prefers online but that's more restrictive and can be fake... Mostly though, try to change his mindset to a glass half full rather than a glass half empty person, people automatically warm to optimistic people and tell him to relax!

theillustratedmummy · 30/07/2022 12:27

Social skills can be learnt with some effort from a loving friend or relative. Believe it or not most autistic people are not anti social and do crave and need human connection as much as everyone. The difference lies in communication. Its exhausting trying to communicate in social settings when you have a delay or difficulty so most avoid it or get burnt out. It can be overcome though with practice and patience. Your son needs permission from you or someone he loves to not feel he needs to act as others do. Its ok to be the quiet one or introverted. What your son is likely feeling is that he needs to be like everyone else in order to fit in and 'get it right'. Its unlikely he see difference in personality in the way NT people do and he needs someone to clearly point this out.
He dosnt need to go all in and join some busy social club but he needs permission and support to be himself in something he likes. What are his interests because I bet there will be a club for it with people like himself.
Simply put he needs guidance and permission to be himself and support in how to do this while being social. Its not easy but its doable.

D0lphine · 30/07/2022 12:33

He sounds awesome. What steps has he taken (if any) to find a gf? Maybe he needs help?

Has he tried to make some friends now he is older? Platonic relationships can also help a lot with loneliness.

easylisten · 31/07/2022 11:10

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BongoJim · 31/07/2022 11:50

I wonder if you could encourage him to try dating and perhaps support him in giving online dating a try? Just to see if it's for him?

3459870H · 31/07/2022 15:40

Oh goodness Julie. This could be me writing that except my son is 30! He’s never been diagnosed as being on the spectrum but I have always believed he was! He is so socially inept and black and white in his thinking that I too can’t imagine him ever meeting anyone and settling down.
he has a good job, own house etc but is sooooo lonely and desperate for a gf! All the girls seem so Uber confident and together!
No advice but just wanted you to know you’re not alone!
it’s hard being a mum and seeing our kids suffer! My son goes out a lot to social activities but always feels so lonely.

Fairyliz · 31/07/2022 17:38

Where do these young men live? I have DDs with friends aged from 24 -34 and all of them are desperate to find a decent man. He doesn’t need to be rich or good looking, just kind and decent and reliable. Most young men nowadays are only interested in a shag!

Lpc3 · 31/07/2022 17:56

I'd encourage him to get involved in more activities and hobbies where he may have the opportunity to meet women in a natural setting. A traditional date would likely not show his plus points and I definitely wouldn't encourage him to do online dating as that will just crush his confidence.

EarthSight · 31/07/2022 19:45

@3459870H Does he have any friends, or has interest in having any of he doesn't have that now?

Rollercoaster1920 · 31/07/2022 19:54

There has been a really interesting series of articles in the guardian recently about male loneliness, some by a guy who had written a book. Maybe see if you can find them?

3459870H · 31/07/2022 21:53

earthsight he doesn’t really have friends. He struggles to interact with people. He goes out a lot to social ‘meet ups’ via Facebook but even other ‘lonely’ people who attend these events struggle to form friendships with him.
he always waits for people to speak to him first!
fairyliz we’re in the West Country. I’m sure there are girls out there who want a decent man but it’s advising him how to meet them! He tried online dating and got no responses so that reinforces his idea that he’s somehow too ugly to be worthy of a response!
it breaks my heart. He’d be such a loyal partner for someone!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 31/07/2022 22:03

Where do these young men live? I have DDs with friends aged from 24 -34 and all of them are desperate to find a decent man. He doesn’t need to be rich or good looking, just kind and decent and reliable. Most young men nowadays are only interested in a shag!

My Ds is 28. Good job, own house, handsome, funny, but fed up of not having that special someone. He’s only interested in a relationship, definitely not just a shag. Don’t know why paths never seem to cross!

SparklingLime · 31/07/2022 22:13

Does he have a diagnosis of autism/ASD? He may need some help with social skills in order not to find dating a negative experience.

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Pinkdelight3 · 01/08/2022 12:07

My brother was quite like this, although he was less sorted in other ways too and was spiralling a bit. As he headed towards 40 and finally reached out like your DS has, we realised he needed advice and support with everything from buying a house to getting a good job and finding the right partner who really understood him. Now he's very happily married with a DC, nice home, and a good job that suits him. He'd never have done well on OLD by himself, but I helped him with his profile and photos etc and he met the right woman pretty quickly. As PP says, genuinely good guys are at a premium, and ND is much better understood now so as long as he's not going for anyone totally unsuitable and is equally understanding as a DP, then he shouldn't have a problem finding someone online. Is your area very rural or the kind of place most people get married young? Is there a city nearby so he can cast his net wider for likeminded people?

ManAboutTown · 01/08/2022 12:16

He sounds like a fine young man - can you suggest some social activities that will allow him to not only widen his circle of friends but meet women as well. I know in my area there are quite a few social clubs that you can join and they organise things like meals, quizzes, walks etc. I know a few people who have benefitted from that and even met partners.

He might just need a little push that you are in the position to help with.

D0lphine · 01/08/2022 13:31

Pinkdelight3 · 01/08/2022 12:07

My brother was quite like this, although he was less sorted in other ways too and was spiralling a bit. As he headed towards 40 and finally reached out like your DS has, we realised he needed advice and support with everything from buying a house to getting a good job and finding the right partner who really understood him. Now he's very happily married with a DC, nice home, and a good job that suits him. He'd never have done well on OLD by himself, but I helped him with his profile and photos etc and he met the right woman pretty quickly. As PP says, genuinely good guys are at a premium, and ND is much better understood now so as long as he's not going for anyone totally unsuitable and is equally understanding as a DP, then he shouldn't have a problem finding someone online. Is your area very rural or the kind of place most people get married young? Is there a city nearby so he can cast his net wider for likeminded people?

Your brother is so lucky to have you!

Aikko · 04/08/2022 08:29

Julie69392 · 30/07/2022 11:45

So my son (Who is now 35) has always been a quiet lad and is also on autistic spectrum, growing up he just never really had much friends and then when he hit his 20s He focused alot on his career. Career and money wise he has done excellent, has a very good paying job and even brought his own house last year.

He has alot of traits which women go for (i.e handsome, tall, has a good paying job and doesnt have any addictions etc) but I can understand why he has never been in a relationship because he has always had a bit of trouble when it comes to social skills and socializing.

Even when it came to explaining things he would have trouble and usually he would have to physically show you or even draw out what he is trying to explain.

But about a week ago we were at his cousins wedding which we all had a great time, My son actually got drunk for once (lol) but after the wedding he came back to our house instead of his but he started opening up to me about how lonely his life is.

Now my son never use to complain or even talk about his feelings growing up although maybe he might of hid them from me because thats a thing which many men seem to do.

he started talking about how he would love to get married and start his own family someday but feel like its too late. All his friends/cousins are pretty much married or in relationships with kids involved. He then started saying that what was the point in working hard for money and buying a house because I have no family of my own to look after.

I felt sorry for him because it must feel bad seeing everyone else around you getting married, getting into relationships, having kids etc while you feel like you are being left on the shelf but I reassured him that he will find the right woman someday

This sounds oddly like me, although I've never been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, however based on my interactions with people day to day I have a strong suspicion that I am.
I find it difficult to form friendships and relationships (I've basically never had one), and at this stage in life I have no idea how to approach this - when I presume that most people at this age would be expecting an experienced partner.

I try to focus on the positives (good well paying career, own house, self sufficient etc...) and not dwell too much.

Nothing really more to add, only to say that your son is not alone, and there are others like him.

Vainandjustrealised · 04/08/2022 13:14

I am a 35/F
Good job own flat own car
Daily gym and look after my mental health
No smoking drugs alcohol etc

I gave up on finding someone to have a family with a relationship as I was constantly messed around on online dating, mostly meeting married men who were cheats and them leading me on for 2/3 months

I am 5ft 10 and slim blonde

If you want to set us up PM me

Vainandjustrealised · 04/08/2022 13:16

I did online dating
Speed dating
Instagram (shooting my shot)

Honestly

A 'friend' said to me

'Everyone can find someone to settle down and start a family with and you just cannot haha its quite funny - what do you do to these guys'

So I just accepted its my fault and love is not for me this lifetime

ManAboutTown · 04/08/2022 20:26

@Vainandjustrealised - that comment from a supposed friend is incredibly callous.

Ignore it - do lots of social things with your real friends and you will meet someone.

The more I read on here the more I think engineered dating online just messes with people.

A couple of months ago I was thinking of trying it myself but after reading on here can't be arsed

Cakeandcoffee93 · 04/08/2022 20:28

I know this may sound stupid- but maybe get him a dog??

MumE78 · 04/08/2022 20:43

He might meet a lady who already has children and grows that family.

I had a stepdad and he was bloody awesome!

balalake · 04/08/2022 20:49

The social activities and the dog are good suggestions. OP you are loving and kind to your son and should be glad he finally spoke to you.

Trustingreenthings · 04/08/2022 20:57

theillustratedmummy · 30/07/2022 12:27

Social skills can be learnt with some effort from a loving friend or relative. Believe it or not most autistic people are not anti social and do crave and need human connection as much as everyone. The difference lies in communication. Its exhausting trying to communicate in social settings when you have a delay or difficulty so most avoid it or get burnt out. It can be overcome though with practice and patience. Your son needs permission from you or someone he loves to not feel he needs to act as others do. Its ok to be the quiet one or introverted. What your son is likely feeling is that he needs to be like everyone else in order to fit in and 'get it right'. Its unlikely he see difference in personality in the way NT people do and he needs someone to clearly point this out.
He dosnt need to go all in and join some busy social club but he needs permission and support to be himself in something he likes. What are his interests because I bet there will be a club for it with people like himself.
Simply put he needs guidance and permission to be himself and support in how to do this while being social. Its not easy but its doable.

This is such a good and informative post!

User5992229 · 05/08/2022 12:05

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