My husband is not attracted to me

[Jigglybellywoes]

I had a baby 2 months ago. With each pregnancy so far I’ve gained a fair bit (2-3 stone) and then lost it all within a year. With the other pregnancies he still seemed to find me attractive. This time I am trying so so so hard to lose the weight and it’s very clear from the total lack of physical contact and intimacy that he is repulsed by me. I’ve made a few comments re sex and he has not acted on them.

i don’t really want to initiate things as it’s starting to make me feel really quite depressed and unattractive that he’s not interested. I understand it’s not the most fantastic body after labour but I’m trying so hard and surely he knows it’s temporary?

just feeling very sorry for myself

Also I can’t really discuss it with him because he will either admit it and it will be awful for me, or he will
feel the need to lie. I don’t particularly want him to have to make himself be with me/imagine someone else.

After the last pregnancies I stil felt beautiful and attractive to him. This has really messed with my self esteem (as I’m sure you can tell)

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You had a baby eight weeks ago (personally, sex was the last thing on my mind) - you’re body takes months to get over giving birth and carrying a child for nine months.

you’re also parents to at least two other children (assuming from your post), and that’s exhausting.

I wonder if you’re at the stage where your hormones are just changing? You can feel a real dip around 8-12 weeks for a short time and expression a depressive like emotion.

It’s not that - I feel very happy otherwise. I can just tell he’s not into me and that’s getting me down. I have a bit of an obsessive personality so the weight loss is always an issue for me as it takes time but it’s never gone hand in hand with this feeling re DH.

It's only been 2 months after birth you have a newborn and 2+ other children I'm amazed you're in the mood for sex! I think you need to focus on your self esteem and obsessiveness as you put it about weight and not use your husband as a gauge to your attractiveness. There could well be many reasons why he doesn't want sex at 2 months postpartum.

@SallyPallyMallyAlly

can you not see why that would make me feel bad though? What sort of reasons might he have?

Does your dh look like a 26 year old Brad Pitt with a gorgeous toned body, beautiful eyes and skin, perfect teeth and a full head of floppy hair? Do you feel that you don’t compare to him? Is this what it’s all about?
You have to accept you have given birth and your body is never going to be the same again. Internally you are different. That’s the deal. Please stop trying to act like you are child free that ship has sailed. You are a mother. Is your dh making you feel bad or is it you doing this to yourself?

@Penguinsaregreat

your comment is reaching a little: I know of course my body won’t be the same - I have other children/I’ve been through this before. I will get back to my usual weight, as I did before (and have more cellulite and stretch marks - that’s fine). It’s not about the weight loss itself, maybe I haven’t been clear.

its about the idea that from now until I have lost weight, DH isn’t attracted to me/won’t be. Which is in one way reasonable as I look different but feels unreasonable as I look different because I’ve had another one of his children and I feel like he should be making me feel beautiful.

he’s not saying or doing anything specifically, it’s what he’s NOT doing. After my other pregnancies he was always cuddling me, kissing me, trying it on or calling me beautiful. This time there is just nothing. No kissing no cuddling, no sexual interest and no compliments.

He hasn't said or done anything. This is all in your head at this point.

does no one seriously understand what I mean/how this might be quite upsetting?

Your husband might have a million reasons not to be initiate with you, new babies can be overwhelming for men as well, especially if he is now a father to 2 or 3 children, he way well have is own worries and sex could be at the bottom of his list of priorities right now

I can see that his lack of affection is hurting you and that it feels different this time. What is going on with him? Work issues, coping with 3 kids? Is he doing his share? I had a bout of depression earlier in the year and part of it was that work was absolutely insanely busy plus a row with a colleague, plus my mum was ill and I was facing the fact that she is never going to recover, plus the admin load of her things. The state of my partner's body simply wasn't on my radar.

So I'd just say that I believe you that he's being distant and unaffectionate. Talk to him about that. Just don't instantly talk about weight loss, that probably has very little to do with it.

Men can suffer after birth too with postnatal depression, perhaps he is finding the move from 2-3 children tricky.
Perhaps he is just tired with the demands of work and looking after children?
I think this is more of your self-esteem and confidence - which I completely get. But you don't need a man to validate yourself and make you feel good about yourself. That needs to come from within.
Hope you are ok ❤️

Thank you for understanding @pinkunicorns54 and @PermanentTemporary - I will have to broach it with him. Any ideas of how to do this without putting pressure on him. What I really really don’t want is to make him feel like he has to do anything if he doesn’t want to!

Can you broach a conversation maybe saying that since third baby has come round you've noticed you haven't been as affectionate as a couple and if he is ok?

It doesn't sound like it has anything to do with your weight gain if this change in him didn't happen after your first two babies.

Definitely just speak to him about it. It may be nothing to do with your weight gain as you say this hasn't happened before.

Thank you @Casimira - that’s a comforting thought. Although maybe now I’m just a few years older and he’s bored!

i realise my self esteem shouldn’t be tied to his opinion - usually, it isn’t. But I’m in that vulnerable window where I am not myself. I don’t fit into my normal clothes, I don’t look like myself in the mirror - I am not feeling my best and want a bit of additional support with that. I think some people on here are being quite unkind.

I'd just say that you're feeling that he doesn't touch and kiss you like he used to, and ask how he's feeling. State the problem as you feel it and don't jump to a solution, or finish his sentences, or deny his view of what's going on. Really listen.

i understand. Of course it’s upsetting. It may not be your weight though. You’ve no evidence that that’s the reason. He’s never done this before with post pregnancy weight. So why now? You’re guessing and your guess could be wrong. You need to find out. Don’t mention pregnancy weight or any other second guessing. Just ask… ‘what’s going on, we’re not as affectionate, why?’ And give him chance to explain. Don’t give him ideas or reasons yourself. Just listen.

I don't think it's your weight. There could be any number of reasons which have little if anything to do with you. If the sexes were reversed (and I know to some extent it's pointless to do that given what you've recently been through is uniquely female) and a husband was complaining that a wife wasn't giving him enough affection and making him feel attractive, I think the responses would be quite harsh and/or tell him to try and find out what's at the bottom of it.

I don’t people are being unkind.
Its either your dh being unkind or you being unkind to yourself.
To be frank no, even after having 3 children and putting on weight, feeling like crap my dh still was affectionate towards me and never gave any inclination that he found me unattractive at all.
What is unclear from your posts is if this is your take on the situation or your dh does actually value you by how you look.
How attractive is be btw? Is it his looks which are his main attraction?

@Penguinsaregreat

you said “Please stop trying to act like you are child free that ship has sailed”
which is both rude and irrelevant. I have got 3 children, i am fully aware I am not child free, and I fail to see how wanting to be attractive to my husband has any correlation with having children.

my husband is good looking but not outrageously so. He is kind, funny, clever and my best friend. But I am usually very slim, and I don’t feel myself at this weight.

What I said is fact.
Your weight and outward appearance is irrelevant.
I am talking about the changes that have happened to your body due to being pregnant and giving birth several times.
Trust me, your internal workings will never revert back to those of a woman who hasn’t given birth.
Anyway good luck, I’ll leave you too it.
You asked for opinions but don’t seem to want to hear them.

@Penguinsaregreat
Wtf are you on about?! Internal workings. OP is not a clock.
OP just focus on the replies that are actually useful, you can be upset not to be getting affection and compliments from you DH after giving birth. I hope the two of you can talk and things get better.

No one here can help. We can't "know his reasons" if any. You need to talk to your husband.