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Original poster

Not speaking to DP

28 replies

londonlass71 · 29/07/2022 23:39

I am not speaking to DP (we don't live together). Over the last week or so I have not liked the way he has been speaking to me and it came to a head last night on the phone. I told him what I thought and felt, he didn't apologise so I told him to F off. Not my finest moment but I'm so hurt and deflated atm.
Anyway we haven't spoken today but he sent me some silly meme which I ignored for a while after receiving it. I then sent him a text back and outlined exactly why I am still hurt etc and that I didn't want any stupid memes from him!
Anyone else had a few days whe they haven't spoken to their partner?

OP posts:
Discovereads · 29/07/2022 23:41

No. Gave the silent treatment up when I was six.

bloodywhitecat · 29/07/2022 23:43

No because things just fester and that's not healthy.

Fireflygal · 29/07/2022 23:44

It's the sign of an unhealthy relationship and you would be crazy to continue. Swearing at him shows you are in a downward cycle of resentment and anger.

Original poster
londonlass71 · 30/07/2022 00:11

I disagree I think sometimes it's better to calm down rather than say more things one regrets.

OP posts:
JosephineGH · 30/07/2022 00:16

This reply has been deleted

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Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2022 00:20

Relationships shouldn't be this hard. Do yourself the biggest favour of your life by dumping him and moving on.

Circleofshells · 30/07/2022 00:26

londonlass71 · 30/07/2022 00:11

I disagree I think sometimes it's better to calm down rather than say more things one regrets.

Does he feel the same way typically? Because that’s usually the difference between “giving each other space” to calm down, and one person giving the other the silent treatment. The former is I think healthy (when mutual) and the latter is a demeaning punishment.

To answer your question yes I used to have days where I didn’t speak with DP. It was miserable and bleak for me, and he never did his homework and abide by my demands. Something that works better for me is when I don’t like the way DP is talking to me I tell him it’s painful/hurtful and ask if he would please stop, nothing more, no explanation of why but no accusatory tone. I usually get a sorry and a hug now when it happens, and I hug back.

Circleofshells · 30/07/2022 00:28

@londonlass71 my guess is the meme was his version of a remote hug btw, maybe say sorry first and “hug” back? Not for everything, just for the moments you’ve described as not your finest moment

Original poster
londonlass71 · 30/07/2022 06:53

Circleofshells · 30/07/2022 00:26

Does he feel the same way typically? Because that’s usually the difference between “giving each other space” to calm down, and one person giving the other the silent treatment. The former is I think healthy (when mutual) and the latter is a demeaning punishment.

To answer your question yes I used to have days where I didn’t speak with DP. It was miserable and bleak for me, and he never did his homework and abide by my demands. Something that works better for me is when I don’t like the way DP is talking to me I tell him it’s painful/hurtful and ask if he would please stop, nothing more, no explanation of why but no accusatory tone. I usually get a sorry and a hug now when it happens, and I hug back.

Show quote history

When I say I haven't spoken to him I did respond to the meme and was very clear about what was going on for me (via text not voice). I don't feel miserable and bleak and I'm certainly not punishing him. For example if he messaged or called I would engage. So I guess its more about the fact I need space because I am very hurt and feel take for granted. I spoke to him several times over the last week about it and he just wasn't getting it. I have quite an emotional date coming up and I know around this time I need a little more kindness than usual. I just feel like if he can not speak to me nicely and be more mindful there is no point in being around him.

OP posts:
Original poster
londonlass71 · 30/07/2022 06:57

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Wow. Because that's what a forum is. A discussion.
I have engaged with him and I do respond. I told him how I felt after he sent the meme. Very clearly. I haven't ghosted him or ignored him. I just am not fully engaging until this is sorted.

OP posts:
TibetanTerrah · 30/07/2022 07:00

The silent treatment is abusive, but he hasn't attempted to resolve it either so it sounds more like the end of the road for your relationship if you don't both meet halfway.

Sending a meme, to me, if his way of saying "can we just forget about it and move on" while the issue that caused the row is being ignored by him and will continue every time you get upset.

If I'm right, and he thinks he can just hide away until you "calm down" then conflict will never get resolved and the relationship should finish or will be really unhappy.

Embelline · 30/07/2022 07:06

I don’t understand so you’re saying you haven’t spoken to him but then you’re saying you have spoken to him over the last week?

Googlecanthelpme · 30/07/2022 07:40

I think what you’re asking is “is it normal to need space from DP when hurt / angry over something?”

and I think yes overall it is fine - we are all different, some people prefer to hash it out straight away and some people need to get their own head and feelings straight first.

But as a PP said above, the crucial point is, does your DP understand and accept this is the way you like to deal with upset? Youve said you’ve communicated to him that you need space, so that’s fair enough.

It’s really up to your partner to decide if they see it as fair enough or if they see it as punishment (as some people definitely would). Relationship is two sided, where do you compromise if you want to cool off for a week and he wants to resolve asap?

Joey69 · 30/07/2022 07:51

londonlass71 · 30/07/2022 00:11

I disagree I think sometimes it's better to calm down rather than say more things one regrets.

Calm things down yes, play relationship games no.
if my partner told me F’off then followed that by the silent treatment, it think she would be dumped pretty quickly, life is too short too short for those kinds games

shedwithivy · 30/07/2022 07:51

I don't think you are sulking or being abusive OP, I also don't think it's the right thing just to exchange silly memes and move on if you don't feel he's properly engaged with your feelings/apologised, otherwise all of this upset would be for nothing.

It's not like you're ignoring or ghosting him, you've made your position clear, but his response needs to be more mature than it has been so far if you are going to move on and have a future together.

shedwithivy · 30/07/2022 07:53

I would apologise for swearing at him though

LemonTT · 30/07/2022 07:56

If you want to sort whatever happened you have to engage with him in a constructive way. That would be by telling him you are upset by what happened and you want to resolve it. You also need to take responsibility for what you did wrong which was to tell him to fuck off.

I don’t know if the criticism you levelled at him was justified or not. I do know most people won’t react constructively to a download of criticism. It’s best not to give it on the phone. There are better ways to assert yourself.

He either sent the meme to gloss over the argument or he sent it to de-escalate a tense situation. It didn’t work as you are in a confused place and you don’t know how to process it.

This might be a situation where he doesn’t agree with you. How are you going to deal with it? Because if who is is and how he behaves upsets you and he fundamentally doesn’t want to change then it’s not a relationship that will ever work.

It’s far better to have an honest conversation where he speaks his truth than to force an apology and declaration that he will change. When really he won’t because he doesn’t want to or he can’t. Then you either accept that or you end things.

pictish · 30/07/2022 07:58

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. You have made an important point to him which he hasn’t taken on board and now he’s trying to sweep aside. You want to discuss the way he talks to you, he’d rather not. I wouldn’t respond to his meme either.

TrillAlert · 30/07/2022 10:16

WITHDRAWAL for protection (even when angry), to lick your wounds, for some space to reflect before re-engaging eg for a real conversation or change or ending things going forward - is simply NOT the same as silent treatment. Silent treatment is designed simply to punish, to enforce dominance, and to manipulate.

TWO completely different things.

Original poster
londonlass71 · 30/07/2022 12:58

Thanks to the last 3 posters especially. It ABSOLUTELY is and was not my intention to punish. I simply disengaged because I am feeling super fragile. I think me saying silent treatment was a poor choice of words. I will and do respond when and if he reaches out. Like when he sent the meme I responded and told him how I was feeling and why I was upset.
As for calling him at the moment or initiating a conversation, I'm not really in a place to do that, because I'm very hurt. The anniversary of my dad's death is this week and it's a super sensitive time. Right now I don't want to make a decision about anything while I am so sad I am going to wait until it passes.

OP posts:
Original poster
londonlass71 · 30/07/2022 12:59

shedwithivy · 30/07/2022 07:51

I don't think you are sulking or being abusive OP, I also don't think it's the right thing just to exchange silly memes and move on if you don't feel he's properly engaged with your feelings/apologised, otherwise all of this upset would be for nothing.

It's not like you're ignoring or ghosting him, you've made your position clear, but his response needs to be more mature than it has been so far if you are going to move on and have a future together.

Thanks @shedshedwithivy I appreciate that level headed response. X

OP posts:
Fuzzyhippo · 30/07/2022 13:57

Yep all the time at the moment. Been together 7 years and don't live together. Recently he's been too busy living his own life to worry about me so I go quiet for a few days and he doesn't even notice..

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/07/2022 14:00

You’re not giving him the silent treatment because you communicated clearly that you’re still upset, and why.

Sending a meme is a lazy way of trying to brush over the obviously very live issues between you.

If he hasn’t replied to your text, he is the one stonewalling you.

What are the issues which caused the argument?

Aprilx · 30/07/2022 14:04

londonlass71 · 30/07/2022 00:11

I disagree I think sometimes it's better to calm down rather than say more things one regrets.

Well why did you ask then? I think not speaking is childish in the extreme. I cannot imagine sulking for days on end like that.

Circleofshells · 30/07/2022 15:08

@londonlass71 I’m very sorry this is such a sensitive time for you, you should have the relationship you want and from what you’re saying this man may not be capable of that. These forums are probably not the best place to come to if you are feeling vulnerable, you will get strong reactions against almost any post.