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Original poster

How much sec with new(ish) partner

43 replies

ipswi · 29/07/2022 13:11

Toyed with posting this on the sex board but it's not really just about the sex.....

Met a really amazing man about 6 months ago, everything seems to be going really well so far. And other than this I have no concerns at all.

I'm 39, he's 41 and we don't have sex that often. Well when I say "often" we see each other 2-3 times a week and probably have sex once a week (on average). I should point out that when we do have sex it's really good (no concerns about the quality at all and no ED issues etc)

I could happily live with the quantity (before meeting him I hadn't had sex in a few years!) as long as it's to do with his sex drive in general rather than something personal about me.

The part that's bothering me is that it's really affecting my confidence. Sometimes I wonder if he's not physically attracted to me and other times I wonder if he's not enjoying the sex (although he definitely seems to at the time).

Last night as an example, we hadn't seen each other for 10 days due to clash of work rotas and kids. He stayed over, we lay in bed watching tv and chatting for hours, both in our underwear and we were cuddling and he's very affectionate/touchy feely etc but no actual sex. Nothing this morning either despite neither of us being in a rush to get up.

Any relationship I've had before where we hadn't seen each other for 10 days at the 6 month mark we'd have been tearing each other's clothes off asap.

It's not so much the fact we didn't that's bothering me as we still had a really lovely night but It's the fact he had no interest that's really knocking my confidence

I know the really obvious point everyone will make is to speak to him about it but how do I do this without offending him or knocking his confidence? Also don't really want to say I'd like to have sex more then he feels like he has to when he doesn't want to (or at least I'd feel like he felt like he had to if that makes any sense!!)

Other than this everything is great and I do feel like I can talk to him about anything else. It's the thought of him thinking I'm saying it's not good enough for me that's preventing me from saying something before now

OP posts:
DidYeEye · 29/07/2022 13:41

I'm afraid I'm not sure what to advise, but I can can totally see how it could knock your confidence.

Out of curiosity, do you try and initiate as well?

I think, with the benefit of hindsight after my marriage breakdown, communication is really the only way forward. You have to be able to talk about sex with a partner, if your communication is good then talking about how often and what he and you need to initiate sex will be less confrontational.

Original poster
ipswi · 29/07/2022 13:51

Thanks @DidYeEye you're right about the communication. We chat about a lot of things but im worried that I either offend him or put him under pressure.

I think if I knew it wasn't personal (in terms of attraction or whether he enjoys the sex) I'd be fine with the level of sex and I'd feel a lot better about it.

It's hard to explain but I try to initiate it and he makes it obvious that he doesn't want to but without much of a discussion. For example last night when we were lying in bed everytime I moved my hand downwards etc, he'd either move his arm to block mine or change position to stop what I was doing.

From this description it sounds worse, probably cos I'm only talking about the negatives.

We spent the whole night lying in our underwear and he was stroking my back and legs in a really affectionate way and it was really turning me on. But he seems to view it more as affection rather than anything sexual.

If, hypothetically, he just had a low sex drive is he: 1) likely to be like this regardless of who he's lying practically naked with; and 2) do people with low sex drives know they have low sex drives or do they just think it's normal.

He left this morning and I was lying thinking he just wasn't that into me, then he texts me when he gets back saying he had an amazing night and is falling for me

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 29/07/2022 13:52

Yes, it is an unusual situation where after 10 days apart you lay in bed all night together and don't get up to anything. Perhaps you both have a fear of being turned down due to past experiences? Did you not kiss? Surely one thing leads to another in these situations and if not, then maybe the block is as much with you as him.
The best way to get to the crux of it is to discuss it. So it's big girl pants on time and get talking, then you will know.

Original poster
ipswi · 29/07/2022 13:54

Opentooffers · 29/07/2022 13:52

Yes, it is an unusual situation where after 10 days apart you lay in bed all night together and don't get up to anything. Perhaps you both have a fear of being turned down due to past experiences? Did you not kiss? Surely one thing leads to another in these situations and if not, then maybe the block is as much with you as him.
The best way to get to the crux of it is to discuss it. So it's big girl pants on time and get talking, then you will know.

I know it doesn't sound good does it? We do kiss etc but then he seems to block it from going any further

He was saying last night that he was really tired but then we barely slept cos we were chatting so much

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 29/07/2022 14:17

You do need to be brave and discuss it. It doesn't sound usual, specially in a new relationship. Also if its knocking your confidence then it's not right for you, and the longer you leave it the more awkward it will be to raise the issue.

Original poster
ipswi · 29/07/2022 14:21

Thanks, I know you're all right (I was already thinking the same myself!) I just don't know what to say other than "why do you not want to have sex with me very often?"

The other option I thought of his telling him how much I enjoy it and say it would be nice to do it more often. But that might add pressure whereas I'd be happy with the frequency if I knew it wasn't personal

The rest of the relationship and the sex (when we do have it) more than makes up for this, apart from what it's doing to me confidence wise

OP posts:
RSitf · 29/07/2022 14:26

@ipswi sounds like my
last partner. He was very affectionate initially & throughout. He was a great kisser but nothing went any further than that for a few weeks. He then booked us a trip away and still nothing happened. He would please me, but block me if I tried to initiate.
And yes you’re wondering why the hell i let it continue..but I guess I wouldn’t want anyone pressuring me so i let it go.
I then had ‘I have low libido’ ‘What if I didn’t want to have sex?’ messages.
long story short we did finally do it..I’m not going to lie and say it felt wrong because it had been so dragged out and frustrating.
The 2nd time he initiated..next day messaged to say ‘last night was lovely but it would have been nice not to have felt pressured’ …I was horrified..yeah to say we’re not together is one reason of many!!

sorry a novel there! I’d suggest speaking about it..I tried..sadly I got excuses and it never improved.

justamushypea · 29/07/2022 14:31

Absolutely talk about it. Rather that than end up a year or more down the line when he's gone off it completely.

Opentooffers · 29/07/2022 14:31

Ah, well, it's the honeymoon phase where no amount of tiredness is usually a factor, so that was likely a dud excuse. So he blocked you? If he was feeling it, he maybe would not have done that, even people having 2nd thoughts about their relationship end up going with the flow in the bedroom.
I think after the night you've had, I'd be asking some serious questions and not taking tiredness as an answer. Unless there's a very reasonable explanation, I think it's possibly best to end it, as a relationship should make you feel good about yourself. At least tell him you are considering ending things (his reaction to that will tell you, if he accepts it easily, he was just waiting for you to say it).

AmberGer · 29/07/2022 14:38

If it bothers you now, you need to address it.
I am shy talking about sex but after a few drinks it's easier and I lose my inhibitions. Perhaps, cook a nice meal, open a bottle of wine and try to lead the conversation that way.

Hhd1 · 29/07/2022 14:48

Why did his marriage/last relationship break up? Could be that he has some issue around sex. Doesn’t sound particularly normal especially if you are initiating. Only likely to get worse too in my experience.

DFOD · 29/07/2022 14:49

What’s his relationship history?

This isn’t going to get better.

You are not emotionally or sexually compatible.

He seems to have the communication issue - you made a move - and he didn’t respond or explain - but then the avoidant text about falling for you is quite manipulative IMHO…..

He is well aware of the situation and is being disingenuous.

You don’t need someone leaving you like that.

Notadramallama · 29/07/2022 14:50

My BF and I are similar ages, been together 4 months, see each other 4 nights a week and have sex every night we spend together, unless we've been out really late, in which case we might have done it during the day (on weekends).

This is the time when he's likely to be most interested so if it's not enough for you, I'd be thinking about ending it.

DFOD · 29/07/2022 14:50

What’s the point of addressing it - he either can’t or won’t increase it.

sunshinealwayscomesback · 29/07/2022 14:59

Wow I would absolutely not end something that's really nice over an issue we haven't discussed yet. OP I understand it's a tricky topic but it's a discussion you're going to have to have. It sounds like it's a nice relationship in lots of ways and I hope you can have a decent discussion about it. Yes it's a bit odd and I absolutely wouldn't like that either, but if you're happy in all other aspects it's certainly worth giving things a chance by having an adult discussion about it, being honest and clear.

toogoodforthisworld · 29/07/2022 15:05

It's awful isn't it.
In the end I suggested swinging- which he couldn't believe I meant - as I needed more sex!
In the end it didn't come to this but after a couple of arguments he said he'd probably been masturbating too often through the day (which I didn't know about) and when it came to bed time, he just wanted to cuddle...
And yet I was gagging for it! I felt hurt and rejected when he said he wasn't in the mood.. after we spoke about (very briefly) he got where I was coming from (figuratively speaking - not literally lol)
And we are in a much better place now. We both initiate. And we have a lot more afternoon sex - as that's when he likes it most. I don't mind. Morning afternoon or evening haha
Good luck - be brave and say what you would like to happen. Xx

CallOnMe · 29/07/2022 15:06

I thought he maybe didn’t want to come across as a sex pest but I don’t think it is that.

I would just have to say something.
If he was moving my hand away I would have said do you not want me to do it? And hope to start a conversation that way.

When you do have sex is there a certain process that he follows - like have you noticed is it only after you’ve both showered? Or is it always been in his bed not yours? Etc

Original poster
ipswi · 29/07/2022 15:13

DFOD · 29/07/2022 14:50

What’s the point of addressing it - he either can’t or won’t increase it.

Part of me think this as me bringing it up will only lead to him feeling more pressure to have sex when he doesn't want to.

However, if there was a genuine reason I could maybe accept less frequent sex?

OP posts:
WombatChocolate · 29/07/2022 15:16

I guess the reason you haven’t spoken to him about it, is partly that you fear launching this potenitailly awkward question will lead to the relationship ending.

The thing is, at the moment you’re not compatible. It’s likely that it’s a long term incompatibility issue to be honest, and if that’s the case, the long term future isn’t good. You can either drag it on without discussing and letting it brew and build resentment within you, before there’s a big outburst over it and potential ending, or you can avoid the misery of months and address it now.

By talking about it, there’s a risk that it will essentially end the relationship. But there’s also a chance that the conversation will help improve things or at least help you understand more and weigh if this matters too much to out aside. By not talking about it, the end result will be the same.

You yourself know this isn’t really standard ‘normal’ at 6 months. He doesn’t want to have sex very much even after not seeing you. It’s disappointing when everything else is good, but you have to face the fact that sex within a relationship is important ffor most and is important to you. You’re not comfortable with the situation and it’s nagging at you for a reason. Whilst of course he shouldn’t be pressured into sex and clearly you do t want that anyway, equally, the relationship has no future if you don’t address this and find a way forward …if there is one.

Good luck. Not easy, and disappointing when he’s great in other respects, but too important to ignore.

DFOD · 29/07/2022 15:26

ipswi · 29/07/2022 15:13

Part of me think this as me bringing it up will only lead to him feeling more pressure to have sex when he doesn't want to.

However, if there was a genuine reason I could maybe accept less frequent sex?

Show quote history

I doubt he (or any man) can be pressured into having more sex if he isn’t up for? It’s like to have the opposite affect.

What could a good reason be for this - and even then why would you compromise your needs for that?

Lurkingandlearning · 29/07/2022 15:30

Is it possible that he does have ED but on the occasions you do have sex he has discreetly taken viagra and is limiting how frequently he uses it?

Original poster
ipswi · 29/07/2022 15:58

CallOnMe · 29/07/2022 15:06

I thought he maybe didn’t want to come across as a sex pest but I don’t think it is that.

I would just have to say something.
If he was moving my hand away I would have said do you not want me to do it? And hope to start a conversation that way.

When you do have sex is there a certain process that he follows - like have you noticed is it only after you’ve both showered? Or is it always been in his bed not yours? Etc

@CallOnMe this is exactly how I'll bring it up. Next time he doesn't instigate and goes to stop me I'll just ask him. Feels more natural and a bit less confrontational that way

OP posts:
Original poster
ipswi · 29/07/2022 16:02

sunshinealwayscomesback · 29/07/2022 14:59

Wow I would absolutely not end something that's really nice over an issue we haven't discussed yet. OP I understand it's a tricky topic but it's a discussion you're going to have to have. It sounds like it's a nice relationship in lots of ways and I hope you can have a decent discussion about it. Yes it's a bit odd and I absolutely wouldn't like that either, but if you're happy in all other aspects it's certainly worth giving things a chance by having an adult discussion about it, being honest and clear.

This is exactly why I'm struggling. It's easy to think he's not that into me but why would he actively pursue a relationship. He's definitely keen in all other areas, very complimentary, affectionate. When we hadn't seen each other for 10 days he was going out his way to arrange time (it was my childcare that was the biggest blocker)

He's actually booked Monday off work to spend the day with me as he would like more time together, so there are actions as well as words

OP posts:
Original poster
ipswi · 29/07/2022 16:04

@DFOD this is the first relationship that's met my needs on every other way (so far) in such a long time. I like him so much and live being around him that I don't feel like I'm settling.

The quality of the sex is also amazing and feels really intimate so I don't feel it would be too much of a compromise on the frequency. I feel like it could work if I had a bit of reassurance on the reason

OP posts:
Norachance · 29/07/2022 16:12

Same here. Dh is 44 and in the last two years we are definitely doing it much less. Rarely once a week. We have talked about it he said he just doesn't get the same urges he did 20 years ago. He is always loving and affectionate. Does so much I have no complaints whatsoever. He promised it is his physical issue nothing to do with anything I am doing or not doing. It really knocked my confidence at first but like you when it happens it's really good.