How much sec with new(ish) partner

[ipswi]

Toyed with posting this on the sex board but it's not really just about the sex.....

Met a really amazing man about 6 months ago, everything seems to be going really well so far. And other than this I have no concerns at all.

I'm 39, he's 41 and we don't have sex that often. Well when I say "often" we see each other 2-3 times a week and probably have sex once a week (on average). I should point out that when we do have sex it's really good (no concerns about the quality at all and no ED issues etc)

I could happily live with the quantity (before meeting him I hadn't had sex in a few years!) as long as it's to do with his sex drive in general rather than something personal about me.

The part that's bothering me is that it's really affecting my confidence. Sometimes I wonder if he's not physically attracted to me and other times I wonder if he's not enjoying the sex (although he definitely seems to at the time).

Last night as an example, we hadn't seen each other for 10 days due to clash of work rotas and kids. He stayed over, we lay in bed watching tv and chatting for hours, both in our underwear and we were cuddling and he's very affectionate/touchy feely etc but no actual sex. Nothing this morning either despite neither of us being in a rush to get up.

Any relationship I've had before where we hadn't seen each other for 10 days at the 6 month mark we'd have been tearing each other's clothes off asap.

It's not so much the fact we didn't that's bothering me as we still had a really lovely night but It's the fact he had no interest that's really knocking my confidence

I know the really obvious point everyone will make is to speak to him about it but how do I do this without offending him or knocking his confidence? Also don't really want to say I'd like to have sex more then he feels like he has to when he doesn't want to (or at least I'd feel like he felt like he had to if that makes any sense!!)

Other than this everything is great and I do feel like I can talk to him about anything else. It's the thought of him thinking I'm saying it's not good enough for me that's preventing me from saying something before now

I suppose it could be! But then would he not have taken it last night?

He doesn't seem bothered about showers or in which bed although he does have mild ASD (which I'm still learning about) so I'll have a look for other trends

It's difficult isn't it?! But then I assume you've been together for a while. I think one of my concerns is that if this is us after 6 months what will it be like in 5 or 10 years time

Sorry I missed this question. He was never married but had a 12 year relationship and 2 kids. No idea about their sex life

@DFOD also I'm not sure the fact we didn't have sex and the text are related.

He had no idea I was hurt by the fact we didn't have sex last night. We otherwise had a lovely night, watched tv together laughed a lot and were really affectionate,

I didn't go moody or grumpy due to the lack of sex, it's more something I've been pondering in the back ground.

There are plenty of women on here moaning that their DPs sulk when they don't get Dec when they want it. Everyone says it's manipulative and say "LTB" so would t exactly be fair for me to act like this

I think that’s unusual especially as you made it obvious you were up for it. Why would he block you when you were lying in bed together all night?

I suspect you wouldn’t get a straight answer if you asked him why he didn’t want more sex. He would probably insist he does. It’s probably a good idea to bring it up at the time as a pp suggested.

It would definitely put me off though and I would at least think he has a lower sex drive than you.

Can't you ask him an open question about how he feels about your sex life, and say you just like to check in and talk about it every few months to make sure you're on the same page?

Then you'll get an idea of how he's feeling, and then when he asks how you're feeling (which any partner worth their salt would do if they've been asked themselves), you can tell him you love it so much you wish it was even more.

Genius!!

It might be ASD related. It's not unusual to have a lower than average sex drive. Some people are sensitive to physical contact. Sex is a very intimate act that can be difficult if not in the right frame of mind for it.

@BadNomad that's interesting. I'm only learning about it so I hadn't realised their could be a link. He's very tactile and affectionate though (more so than what I've experienced with anyone else).

He said it was very mild and other than him struggling to focus his attention in certain things i hadn't noticed

I've had no experience or insight into this kind of thing so I can't really offer advice. I'm in a long term relationship so sex has peaked and troughed throughout the relationship but yes, in the first year or so we would have sex whenever we could.

Unfortunately I think, whatever the reason, it's probably not going to be what you want to hear.

I highly doubt it's anything to do with you. If he didn't fancy you, he'd have left you by now. And he certainly wouldn't sleep with you once a week and stroke your back etc in bed. He'd be making excuses not to see you.

It's definitely him. Low sex drive? Maybe, but I wouldn't imagine so early in the relationship especially as he's tactile and romantic in other ways. Why wouldn't he go along with it when you're both semi naked in a bed and you're initiating.

I suspect it's related to him and his physically ability to have it. Like a previous poster said, maybe it's ED and he hadn't taken Viagra. Maybe he watches too much porn or something and it affects how often he can actually have sex. Who knows, but it's definitely his issue.

I'm gutted for you. Because the chances are he won't want to discuss it (or else I suspect he would have already) and it will become a bigger issue than it needs to be. He sounds perfect in all other ways so I'm sorry this has become a problem. Fingers crossed he's honest and open so you can start to feel more confident and assured.

If he okay with once a week after 6 months I would guess that’s where his natural sex drive sits, and he has got to that level more quickly than you.
he might not link sex (the act) with nakedness and affection, when you are together does he actually have an erection ?, he might be thinking “closeness”, but not “sex”.

is he actually aware that more sex is available if he wanted it ?

My first thoughts were porn/ too much masturbation or ED. ED Is preventable though if he knows when he's seeing you, and seems he can do it on other occasions.

Id go with what a PP said and ask general questions- how does he feel about your sex life. Is he into porn. Does he masturbate. Is there anything he's particularly into or doesnt like. Etc You can ask it in a non confrontational way 😂 pretty sure i asked my dp all that and more in the first 6 months.

I probably wouldn't want to shag a partner every time I saw them, if I usually saw them 2-3 times a week. There would come some times where I just wanted to chill out. It wouldn't mean I don't fancy that person.

Having said that, ten days is quite a long time.

@ipswi If he regularly 'sorts himself out' then maybe he'd done it a night or two before or something, so wasn't as backed up? If he has a masturbation habit then that probably would be something that if he stopped/cut down would mean he has a higher desire for sex when he sees you.

I know some people say masturbation isn't like that. But I think it is- maybe more so for men. If can be that if someone has recently scratched that itch, they don't need it scratching as much.

Definitely talk about it and see how you go.
Maybe text and say how much you enjoyed last night and you were dying to be intimate but you didn't initiate as thought he was tired. See what he says...
Its a confidence wrecker, I had years of this in my marriage, I felt like a sex pest. We divorced eventually then I met someone, had a brief 2-3 month relationship then he announced he doesn't have sex on a morning (!?) when I initiated it. Needless to say I dumped him, it took me right back to feeling crap about myself.
Give him a chance but don't underestimate the feelings of rejection and not feeling lusted after the way you want

I wondered when the Autism comment would pop up! Maxine Aston is the author to read about this. One of the theories is that people with ASC like to plan things and schedule it and if it hasn’t made it to his plan for that day then it won’t happen. As Sheldon was told, in Big Bang Theory, “you can have a schedule but you mustn’t tell me when the schedule is.”

I do wonder what would happen if you said “I think we will have sex on Friday when I see you.” Then it’s there, on the agenda. There’s no decision to be made.

If everything else is great I would not write him off so easily. It will be nothing to do with how much he likes you. My bf is similar, I felt rejected at first but he just has a lower sex drive. I'm used to it now and everything else about him is great so it's no problem.

@crispsandnuts i dated someone who y have sex at night! Always in the morning when he wanted it..strange