I really struggle with new relationships

[Confusionisme]

I think I just need a vent more than anything, but I am struggling so much with this new relationship.
Its going great, but my mind is trying to sabotage it.

I am overthinking everything, my anxiety keeps spiking and I keep getting to the point where I feel it would be easier to just put a stop to it all now.

In reality, everything is going well. Its my feelings, everytime my feelings get stronger, I freak out more.

Once I feel settled, this will stop. I just dont know how long it's going to take for me to feel settled and how to handle myself until I get to that point, before I ruin things and it ends anyway.

I have stayed single for years because I really can't cope with how I am at the start of relationships, but this person is pretty amazing and I couldnt fight my feelings. Yet, it seems I still try

Feelings aren't something to fight with. They're an expression of the real you; who you are. They are their natural response. If you fight with them, you are fighting with yourself, and that's where anxiety comes from: 'Oh my god, I'm doing this wrong, I'm screwing it up, I'm risking being ostracised for being weird!!'

Getting on with your feelings, respecting them, accepting them, will be a better standpoint to operate from.

What are the feelings you're fighting against? What is the message they're trying to give you? Try to break it down as much as you can; interpret them. Like a tantrumming child in a supermarket, you have to really carefully ask them what it is they want. When they finally calm down and tell you they want something simple like to take their shoes off, you can often give them what they want quite easily, and then next time, they realise they can just ask, without having to go nuts. It's all about listening and understanding, rather than screaming 'SHUT UP!!' which just makes it worse.

I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared he will end up not liking me. I'm scared of losing another person I've grown close to.

I know you weren't asking for me to respond to you, but I think writing it down will help me. What you have wrote is very, very helpful, if I can figure it out.

Maybe its to do with the amount of loss I've had? How do I accept that and move on though hmmm...

I do keep telling myself to just let it be what it is, and sometimes I can do that. A tiny little thing though and I spiral.
Maybe if I remind myself that it's fear talking and not me everytime I spiral and just try and accept that, instead of trying to control how I think I should be feeling.

Sorry for the rambling, just trying to figure myself out haha

Yep...I think its a control thing. Trying to control how I think I should be feeling

I think it's great that you're writing it down. I found that useful myself when I did it. I was really angry, it turned out, and had to go out and buy a red pen to express it adequately. There were capitals and underlining and big writing and swearwords. Massive tantrum. Took weeks. Nobody but me ever saw it.

When it started to turn into calmer writing (which is what happens... emotions tone down when you start to listen to them), the conclusion was 'You're not listening to me!', and that's been hugely useful to recognise since then. Whenever I feel that tantrumming child arise inside me, I can almost always identify the 'I'm not being listened to' feeling. My point here is to keep writing. On the thread, or on your own. Express those feelings. Write nonsense around the subject. Waffle and waffle about your feelings. At some point you'll come across the crux of your problem.

Maybe if I remind myself that it's fear talking and not me

This, again, is a rejection of your own feelings. Accept that it's fear, and accept that it's your fear. You are the one who is scared. It's yours. Own it. You'll have a much better relationship with yourself and with others, if you can say to yourself (and find people you're comfortable enough with to admit) 'I'm scared of committing to this/to you/to us' Accept that this isn't all of you, and there are parts that will be keen to commit, and really good at committing, but that part of you is scared. You don't need to control it then, because it's not something that's trying to overwhelm the other parts; it can exist at the same time as them. You can want to commit and be scared of committing both at one. That's how we all are with new commitments! But if you argue and surpress the scared part, and refuse to accept it's part of who you are and where you're at, it will keep yelling at you and drowning the good stuff out, and it will make you feel like posting on forums for advice!

Where does all this overthinking and anxiety really come from, what started all this off?. Did your parents show you a poor relationship example themselves or were they emotionally unavailable?. Did one or both of them make you believe that you were unloveable?. Who installed the fear?.

That is very true that I'd be suppressing the fear, which ultimately continues the thing I need to try and not do!

How do I accept it and let it sit, without it overwhelming me. That's the hard part, I guess!

As for my upbringing, I was quite neglected and emotionally shut down and dismissed constantly by my parents, especially my mum.

What is it asking of you, @Confusionisme ? The fear, I mean. If you start writing down 'When I feel this surpressed fear, what I want/need to do is....' and then write as long a list as you can manage, you'll be able to start to be nice to the fear, and it'll feel less rejected.. When I wrote my list about not feeling listened to, one of the things on it was 'Eat loads of Minstrels'! Don't hold back or feel that anything is 'silly' or 'irrelevant'. It's for your eyes only, so Minstrels are allowed, as is wanting to poke someone's eyes out, or throw a laptop off the top of a high building. Anything goes. The idea is to recognise what you want, without judging it. Once you've done that, you can convert it into something acceptable that makes it feel catered for, but without disrespecting yourself/your health/another person/a relationship. So, I regularly now eat some minstrels. And if I want to throw my computer out the window, I can tell someone I feel like doing that. So I'm not dismissing the need, but I'm also not following through with the full tantrum response.

How do I accept it and let it sit, without it overwhelming me. That's the hard part, I guess

You allow yourself to respond to it. You nurture it without allowing it to control you. Essentially what you currently do is exactly what your parents did: you dismiss your needs. When we are adults, we have to parent the unruly, childish parts of ourselves, and we parent in the way we were shown by our own parents. You can learn to parent yourself in a more indulgent, loving way.

Bring on the Minstrels.

What I feel the need to do when I feel this fear is seek reassurance. Only I worry seeking reassurance is feeding my anxiety, and making me less likable. So I avoid most of the time.

Sometimes I do and it does make me feel better, but I think if I gave in and asked for reassurance as much as I feel I need, I'd be very annoying.

Ooh what I do feel the need and want to do is walk. I walk it off quite a lot. Sometimes I can't just up and leave though, which makes that difficult.

Perhaps you could reassure yourself that it's ok to be scared, rather than trying to get reassurance from someone else to take the scared feeling away?

It really is ok. You know that everybody's scared, don't you? And that, in a healthy relationship, you feel comfortable to ask for reassurance any time you want, and the more you get it, the less you feel the need to ask? The best reassurance is the one you can offer yourself, but you can't do that if you think it's bad to want the reassurance in the first place. You have to find a way to be fine with needing the reassurance. Can you picture the part of you that needs reassurance as you when you were little? Because that's what it is. And she's been needing reassurance ever since she was shut down. Can you feel a little more sympathy and acceptance for that part of you, if you picture her like that? What would you do if she came to you now and needed some love and kind words? Would you like her less?

No, I would offer reassurance and want to help her feel better.

It must be ingrained in me to feel wrong for seeking reassurance. So I should be able to seek it, without worrying that I'm wrong for doing so?
Because instead I sometimes beat about the bush and try to get the reassurance I need by skirting around the issue, and asking things in other ways. Which often times leaves me worse haha

Honestly,thank you so much for your help. It really has been extremely helpful!

Confusionisme

re your comment:

"As for my upbringing, I was quite neglected and emotionally shut down and dismissed constantly by my parents, especially my mum".

That's the root as to why you feel as you do now. They failed you abjectly as parents and I sincerely hope you have no contact with them now. You need to unlearn all this toxic crap they seeped into you through therapy. Finding a BACP registered therapist could help you a lot. Addressing this now will help you move forward properly in both life and relationships.

Its not your fault this happened to you, that is all on them. It may be an idea also for you to contact NAPAC re the abuse you suffered at their hands

napac.org.uk/

You may also want to read "Recovery of your inner child" by Lucia Capacchione.

I have had so much therapy, but they can never seem to help untangle the trauma. I have only been through the NHS so that might be why, I'm not sure. I will have a look into BACP therapists though because I really need to get this sorted.
I'll check out that book, too. Thank you so much!

No, I would offer reassurance and want to help her feel better

Right, good! That means that you can actually love this part of yourself, this little child who essentially has been waiting for a cuddle and some kindly, supportive words since your childhood. Poor little mite.

Now all you have to do is be a good parent to her. So, teach her to reassure herself, give herself a cuddle (or some Minstrels, or whatever she likes, to soothe her when she feels upset), and, crucially, make sure that she only spends her time in places and with people who she feels good with. This is crucial. Having to reassure yourself is ok, but ideally, you don't put yourself in positions where you need to be reassured in the first place.

Can I ask you another question? What is it that triggers the need for reassurance? What is it that your lovely new partner does or says that makes you have 'I need reassurance' wobbles?

Nothing, and that is the most frustrating part. It is all me, and what I do to myself. I convince myself that I'm not good enough, that he will get sick of me, leave and end up disliking me.

I try and tell myself that he is with me because he likes me and so that proves none of what I think is true, but sometimes it's just too loud for me to shut out.
Then I'll pick up on a delay in response, or a delay in seeing him and I'll overthink myself into a spiral. Even though I can see things from a rational point of view, the noise from the irrational side sometimes overpowers the rational and I end up in a spin.

As for getting in a position of not needing reassurance to begin with, I found it in solitude haha. Only that went out of the window when I met him. I will try and find out what soothes me and work on doing that

I try and tell myself that he is with me because he likes me and so that proves none of what I think is true, but sometimes it's just too loud for me to shut out

That's because it's not his opinion of you that's really bothering you. What's bothering you is that he might start to see and understand your view of you.

Self soothing is the way forward. You're great. Don't forget it. And you're in a really good place because you're actually starting to look at the things that bother you. That's like being on a springboard to a happier mindset. Many many people never get that far.

Good luck, and sending a big unmumsnetty hug to the part of yourself that needs reassurance. Poor kid needs lots of support right now!

NHS therapy can be limited in both number of sessions and scope unfortunately. I would try and find a BACP therapist you can work with. Interview such people carefully and at length before picking any particular one.

I would also consider contacting NAPAC too.

That is very very true actually, that it is my opinion of myself that I am kind of projecting, I guess?

I had a look at that napac website yesterday and I think I might reach out to them today.

Thank you both so much for your kind words and help. I really appreciate it!

Confusionisme I just wanted to jump in and say - even though it probably won't help - I read this wondering if I'd written it. I didn't have a neglectful upbringing in the way you mention but everything else is EXACTLY how I feel. Nothing, or something small, can happen and I'll think oh god he's going off me. And asking for reassurance sometimes makes me feel worse after because then I worry he's thinking jeez how much reassurance is she going to need and is she ever going to trust me! Despite the fact that like PP said I'd never really think that about anyone else, and he's great. It's such a horrendous cycle!

The one rule I have for myself which really helps is do not ask a question if I only want to hear one answer. If I want to hear one but could cope with another, fair enough. If I'll be devastated for anything else, it's not fair to ask! It's the reason I don't ask anything about exes as all I want to hear is that he never felt like this about them, I'm the most wonderful creature in the world, and the sex was nonexistent Which means I'm backing him into a corner of upsetting me (because that can't be true) or lying (which is the start of the end).

Thank you, that did help. It is good to know that I'm not alone with this.

Also, that is a great idea about the questions. I sometimes have an answer in mind that I want to hear, and a one I'd rather not know. Yet I ask anyway and then kick myself for doing so haha.
That one I have almost got a hold on though, thankfully.

It really is a vicious cycle when it comes to the reassurance, because I also feel like I can't seek it due to feeling like I need it too much. He tells me he will reassure me any way he can at any time, but I struggle to accept that as anything other than him just being nice. Ahhh we will get through this!

I’ve just started to unravel something similar, you are looking for validation but actually anyone else’s validation will only be temporary, you need to be content with yourself so don’t need any validation. I’m reading a book at the moment which may be useful “will I ever be good enough?” I got it through Amazon, and so far it’s been really enlightening! It also has a recovery stage (I’m not there yet!) but seems like it could be useful as a self help tool. I have just started counselling too,
essentially your feelings for whatever we’re not validated as a child, so you’ve been programmed to feel your not worth it, so you will overthink, and project those feelings onto your partner. You will not gain closure from those who made you this way (your parents) as they will not feel they have done wrong…..so you have to be able to forgive, accept and learn how to give yourself that self validation, know your worth, and never question if your good enough……because you know 100% you are, and the question then turns into are they good enough and worthy enough of you!
good luck on your journey

I’ve just started to unravel something similar, you are looking for validation but actually anyone else’s validation will only be temporary, you need to be content with yourself so don’t need any validation. I’m reading a book at the moment which may be useful “will I ever be good enough?” I got it through Amazon, and so far it’s been really enlightening! It also has a recovery stage (I’m not there yet!) but seems like it could be useful as a self help tool. I have just started counselling too,
essentially your feelings for whatever we’re not validated as a child, so you’ve been programmed to feel your not worth it, so you will overthink, and project those feelings onto your partner. You will not gain closure from those who made you this way (your parents) as they will not feel they have done wrong…..so you have to be able to forgive, accept and learn how to give yourself that self validation, know your worth, and never question if your good enough……because you know 100% you are, and the question then turns into are they good enough and worthy enough of you!
good luck on your journey

Thank you. You are so right about the validation and needing to feel good enough within yourself.
It is my goal to get to that point, where I question whether others are good enough for me and not the other way round.

It is just hard work getting to that point. Hopefully one day, we will all get to that point.
I'm glad you've found that book helpful. I will check it out

You have an Anxious Attachment Style. Look it up, there's loads of help online.

I have it too. It's a bitch. The early months in a relationship are agonising for me.

I agree with @DoingJustFine You have an anxious attachment style. It's all about feeling you have to change yourself in order to be better than you are, to be able to have relationships better than you do.

You don't have to change yourself. Recognise that if a relationship doesn't make you happy, you come out of it. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault. Nobody has to be doing anything wrong. The goal isn't 'to be good at relationships', the goal is 'to be happy/content', so if anything is making you anxious/upset/worried etc, you cut it out.

Once you've been doing this for a while, life gets good. You're rid of lots of things and people who get on your nerves. You're doing more stuff that makes you feel calm and settled. You've got more time to look after yourself, because you're offering yourself less to worry about.

Then when a relationship comes along, you have a basis of 'You're going to have to be pretty good to top this feeling I get when I'm single!' which is It is my goal to get to that point, where I question whether others are good enough for me and not the other way round

You contradict yourself here: In reality, everything is going well. Its my feelings, everytime my feelings get stronger, I freak out more

What is reality, your reality, if it's not your feelings? You're sort of saying 'I'm happy, apart from the fact that I'm not happy.'