I really struggle with new relationships

[Confusionisme]

I think I just need a vent more than anything, but I am struggling so much with this new relationship.
Its going great, but my mind is trying to sabotage it.

I am overthinking everything, my anxiety keeps spiking and I keep getting to the point where I feel it would be easier to just put a stop to it all now.

In reality, everything is going well. Its my feelings, everytime my feelings get stronger, I freak out more.

Once I feel settled, this will stop. I just dont know how long it's going to take for me to feel settled and how to handle myself until I get to that point, before I ruin things and it ends anyway.

I have stayed single for years because I really can't cope with how I am at the start of relationships, but this person is pretty amazing and I couldnt fight my feelings. Yet, it seems I still try

The reality is that things really are going fine. I have no real reasons to doubt how things are going, but somehow something triggers me into feeling like I do have reason to doubt and that things are going to end. So I am happy, but part of me tries to sabotage that if that makes sense.
Cutting out those who make me anxious or upset is the reason I am a loner, because it happens with everyone. But it's not them, it's me. Most of the time.

Like today is a fine example. I had a great time with him on the weekend, everything was fine running up til then and afterwards until today.
I decided to buy him a little gift for when I next see him (there is reason behind it, not random). This then made me believe that I am too much, he is going to think I'm weird for doing it. That led to me thinking...why does a grown man have Snapchat and then I've spiralled and spiralled. Telling myself that I need to pull myself back and try to shut my feelings for him down.

During all of this he has done absolutely nothing different, nothing wrong. So it has all stemmed from my own actions and thoughts about myself.
He has no idea about any of this as my spiral peaked after he went to be.

I've just looked up anxious attachment and it makes some sense. Only the needing people not so much, as I am very much a loner as I struggle to connect with people due to this very issue I am currently dealing with haha. It's horrible, it really really is.

I have really struggled tonight to keep my head level. I havent managed it yet

Could I explain this to him somehow, that I am a fearful freak who needs reassurance from time to time that things are all good?

He contacts me every single day. He makes plans to see me, even weeks in advance sometimes.
With the saying that actions speak louder than words, his actions all scream positivity. I wish I could just be normal and accept that without such difficulty!

The reality is that things really are going fine

But your reality isn't that things are going fine. You are upset. The reality (if you take out the judgement of who's right/wrong, and if you take out the imposition of what 'should' be happening) is that you're in a relationship where you don't get as much reassurance as you need, and you're not comfortable to ask.

You said up thread that there’s nothing your partner does that triggers the anxiety.

I doubt this is true - it will be something, it’s just that it might be a good/nice thing!

But your reactions/feelings always make sense…

it might be that in the past you experienced good/nice/loving things swiftly followed by abandonment or bad things. So your mind associates the good with the bad.

It’s not your partner’s fault or necessarily a red flag or whatever - it’s just the way your mind is programmed to protect you from being hurt again.

A couple of people I find useful on this kind of exploration are Nicole Sachs and Sarah Baldwin (SarahbCoaching) both on Instagram. Sarah particularly talks a lot about how “you make sense” and how your mind and body work beautifully to protect you. Working with yourself to understand your feelings and not shaming yourself for them helps a lot.

I guess that is true that it can't be all good in reality if I am feeling how I am.

I just dont know how to ask for reassurance.
I think its right when you're saying that something is triggering me and it could even be good/nice things. He is probably the most caring and nicest person I have ever gotten this close to, and I find it quite scary.

My gut tells me it's all genuine, but my whole life it has been a case of people who have been nice have done it for other reasons and never good ones.

Which is another reason why I am so so scared of ruining things with my overthinking. I finally have possibly found someone genuine, and I could mess it all up myself through being like this.

Well he has just discovered my fear of abandonment so I guess he can now decide whether he wants to continue or not.

My gut tells me it's all genuine

But our gut feeling is the one that niggles at us, annoys us, won't leave us alone, despite logic to the contrary of its opinion. It sounds to me like your gut feeling is some sort of discomfort, but you're trying hard to over ride it.

That makes sense. Although the only discomfort it could really be, is the discomfort of it all being different to what I am used to.

I have contacted a couple of therapists. So hopefully I can finally get somewhere, if I can afford it. Even just to help me get through the start of all of this.

I think another thing is the fact that he wants to take things slow, which I am good with. Only this means that I feel that I don't know where I stand, even though I do know. Kind of.
I'd like it to be more clear. I think I might ask him tomorrow

Although the only discomfort it could really be, is the discomfort of it all being different to what I am used to

How is it different?

It feels so much more different. He is such a nice genuine person, and very caring towards me. I dont really feel a need to worry. Which I know sounds weird considering I am here right now, and I am worrying in a sense. But it feels like it's more on myself this time, where as other times with other people I feel I had genuine need to worry.

Just wondering what you do in daily life that makes you feel like a worthwhile person, @Confusionisme ? What do you do that you think is respectable and admirable?

I'm thinking about self esteem, here. Our fear is usually that others will realise they feel the same about us as we feel about ourselves. People with low self esteem wouldn't generally want to have a relationship with someone as rubbish as themselves (not that they are rubbish, but in their own eyes), so they worry that their partner will start to feel the same.

Do you have a life filled with things that make you think 'Yeah, I'm epic, me!'?

Nope, I'm jobless due to my mental health. I have no friends because I can't connect with people without feeling like this. I do feel like a rubbish person.

I think I may have ruined things already. He asked me lastnight if we would be talking again tonight (as we do every single night), and for some reason I said "I don't know. Probably."
I wanted to and still want to, but felt that he probably didn't want to. I think its because he asked when he doesn't usually.
Now I havent heard from him yet when I usually have by now and I cant text him incase he hasn't text because he doesn't want to speak to me.

Have a look at Jake maddocks op. He’s very tough love and basically says to leave the past trauma in the past. I like his style but it’s not for everyone

Thanks. Where do I find jake maddocks? I've had a look but can't find anything.

Also, would it be okay to apologise to him and explain that I didn't like myself yesterday and assumed everyone else felt the same? Or is that stupid?

You may not have anxious attachment to others but it sounds like you have with him

He’s on YouTube. Open the door for him OP if you want to speak to him just say, what time will you call me?
I’m no one to give relationship advice by the way, complete mess I am xx

Thank you. I'll have a look on youtube.

Just reading more about anxious attachment and maybe that really is the full issue. He does make me feel safe, and so I freak out thinking that I won't be safe because he will have enough and leave. So feeling safe makes me feel like it's too good to be true because I was never allowed to feel safe as a child.

Started emdr yesterday. Awful abandonment dreams lastnight and my anxiety is higher than it has ever been today, I think. I feel horrendous and I havent even done any work other than talking about my trauma history.

The plus is that this woman is confident she can help me. I just need to ride through this.