Need to talk please

[Bluehanger]

I've put off posting this on here but I've got nowhere to turn and am spiralling to a bad place. I'm there already really. Sleeping for 10 minutes then jolting awake in a panic.

I have in the last few months left a 30 year neglectful, abusive marriage. I now realise he is a covert narcissist and his ongoing behaviour since the split has just highlighted this even more and floored me to realise what I put up with over the years and how self centred he is. I'm feeling massive guilt about this towards my young adult child and can see now that I had unhealthy boundaries (likely because of a very dysfunctional upbringing) and can't believe I choose to have a child with this person. The past years in the home have been immensely unhappy with his negativity and behaviour and his complete lack of empathy towards everyone. He put our lives at serious risk a few months ago and showed little concern or remorse.

I've experienced loneliness these past few months and its the been one of the the most painful and cruel things I've had happen to me. I have been lucky enough to not experience it before.

This has now exacerbated feelings and worries that I have that my child will be alone when they are older and I'm not around. No family at Christmas, no support network etc. I also feel now that another family member would lessen the intensely of this terrible situation with just me and my adult child left in the house. I am hating myself for not having another child to make their life more complete and I'm torn up by reading things about people having their siblings for support in adulthood.

I'm in a complete mess and want to undo and redo lots of things which i can't but it seems like the only way out. I know I'm not well and have an appointment to get help but I really need to talk as well please.

[FitFat]

Congratulations on leaving an abusive marriage!

You cannot reverse time. If you had the self awareness, knowledge and wisdom you do now, you would have left previously. Unfortunately you did not have those tools or resources so you couldnt / didnt. Thats not good or bad, it just is how it is. Focus on the present and the future now.

Spend time listening to your adult child, paying for therapy with them and asking what they want their future relationship with you to be. Then work on building that slowly. They may need time and space, but perhaps in the future it will be going out for meals and walks with you and smiling and having fun building a relatiinship wherr you and they are more relaxed and able to enjoy life without thr shadow of your ex.

I am sorry your thoughts are spiralling. Try to not hook on to on play out stories as they come into your head. Doesnt sound very helpful and I am sure your mind is in a tizz to say the least so your brain is probably throwing out all sorts of nonsense that isnt true - you dont need to latch onto those thoughts or think theyre true just because a litle voice in your brain told you so. For example, having a sibling will have no bearing on your child! Lots of siblings do not get on or are not at all close!

Try and learn some tips that help to you - for me , I use thr 54321 method where I shock myself out of my brain and into reality. I say 5 things I can see, 4 I can touch, 3 I can hear, 2 I can smell, 1 I can taste. It grounds me into the present, not bad memories or ruminations.

Good luck. Well done for getting free :)

[Dotcheck]

OP
First- recognise what a massive achievement it is to have left the relationship

By leaving him, you have done the kindest thing for yourself. Overcoming a lifetime of emotional damage takes time, and there is no age limit on achieving this. It is one tiny step at a time. You have already made a huge leap forward, so focus on that for awhile.

One of the best bits of advice I’ve heard is to get rid of the word ‘should’. It is so harmful. You can beat yourself up all day long with things you ‘should have’ done but it won’t change anything. It just depletes you of the energy you need to carry on healing.
People make decisions based on what they think they deserve, so you just did the best you could do at the time. Be kind to yourself.

OP, some people remain stuck in their abusive situations for their whole life. You have been courageous enough to break out of it. Please don’t undermine how very amazing this is.

[CamoTeaLaLa]

Do be kind to yourself 💐 It’s not been long since you got out and it is not your failing that you don’t feel sunny and amazing yet x

Do you have a plan for what you want from your appointment? Done any research? An antidepressant might help to get through this transitional period. Are you on any HRT or similar? A chemical solution while you explore other options and get through this bit.

[Dotcheck]

Op ( name change fail?)
They have a mother who loves them. You have not made a mess of their life.

[Bluehanger]

Dotcheck it doesn’t feel like that unfortunatley. I’ve made so many bad choices

[TibetanTerrah]

I am hating myself for not having another child to make their life more complete and I'm torn up by reading things about people having their siblings for support in adulthood.

OP siblings do not guarantee anything. I have two siblings plus two half siblings and rarely speak to any of them. There's no falling out really, it's just none of us are close - they have little to do with each other as well.

You've done an amazing thing by leaving this man. Focus on what you can congratulate yourself for more than what ifs that will turn into berating yourself

[Dotcheck]

I understand you feel that way, but you are still her mum. You can still be a great role model for resilience. You can love her, listen to her, be encouraging. You’re not done being a parent.

With mine, I also felt so much guilt. I have told them that I wish I could have given them a different experience growing up ( hopefully without looking for validation from them).
The thing is- they remember so much more of the good than I thought they did.
The very best you can do for her is to work on being strong, and to continue being a good mum.

[djdkdkddkek]

hiya well done on leaving!!!

i grew in a vaguely similar situation and have little family. Was a teenage parent so made my own family!
but

[djdkdkddkek]

Sorry pressed send too early

Made my own family and boundaries

you can’t change the past but you did what you could and that goes so far

[Fabswingers]

It’s fine, children when adults go on to make their own families.

[Bluehanger]

Making your own family isn’t the same as having relatives your own age.

I’m in hell. Complete hell.

[supercali77]

Oh OP, with kindness...the sleep issue sounds like anxiety, it will make everything seem 10x worse. And I think this is about your loneliness being projected onto your child. Then you're using it as a stick to beat yourself with. Do you often tell yourself you aren't good enough/are a failure? It seems to be the theme of your post. This would be a good place to start in therapy, the way we talk to ourselves is important. Did your ex talk to you like this?

Folk have said above they barely talk to their siblings, im the same. I could never turn to them in a time of need but I have friends who have come to my rescue in very hard times and vice versa. I do not feel lonely at all. Do you yourself have close friends you can talk to?

Covert narcissists do a serious number on people, I left one. I still find it shocking even years later. I also only have 1 child to the same man. Of course I worry for her future, she does not make friends easily (on track to being diagnosed for autism) but I recognise i cannot go back, I can only go forwards. Beating myself with a shitty stick does neither of us any favours. What CAN you do to make things better? Because wishing for a past that never happened is a closed loop. And looking up close sibling relationships is going shopping for more stabs. It serves only one purpose which is to abuse and berate yourself.

I hope you can get the help you need x

[Bluehanger]

Thank you. I’m totally alone today. Don’t know what to do.
Have such dread that my child will end up like this.

[supercali77]

The anxiety over your dc being lonely in future will be helped if you yourself can help yourself in this situation.

If you can, try and do a few things today that will improve things. Anything ....tidy a messy drawer, some unfinished task about the house or garden, text an old friend. Each little step towards change and choice will bring confidence x

[supercali77]

Also, please stop looking up sibling relationships it is just a stick to beat yourself with, and re worrying about it. Assign yourself an hour later today to worry all you like about it. The rest of the day tell yourself...later. you may feel guilty or careless about delaying the worry till later but reassure yourself you'll worry your tits off for an hour later x

[Bluehanger]

Thanks. I'll try that. I can't live with this guilt.
I think I'd feel marginally better if my ex hadn't been who he is and fractured things too. If we'd been a unit, I think it would be somewhat better.

[supercali77]

I imagine you'd feel 100x better. This isnt really about your dc's theoretical future. None of us can predict. Worries for our children are natural but disproportionate catastrophic worries are a sign that you are not doing well, not that your dc isn't x

[Fuuuuuckit]

OP my mum died earlier this year and my sibling hasn't been close at all. I've had much more support from my friends, partner, my own dc, colleagues and even a randomer in the bank when I had a snotty sob.

By leaving your abusive ex you've shown your dc that you have respect for yourself. That's the biggest lesson here.

[daisychain01]

I know it sounds like you're not yet in the right place to receive this message, but hopefully when you've had time to regain strength and see things in a new context, you'll realise you never need to be lonely when you have yourself. You are your own best friend, rely on you to be who you want to be.

Never let another human take away your autonomy. From that starting point, you can then go on to form new, loving, wholesome relationships with others, but you need to start with self first and foremost.

[EvenMoreFuriousVexation]

Op, well done for getting out of a horrible situation. It sounds like the incident where your abuser put you and your DC at serious risk was the catalyst for change. That means, you recognised the risk - which is a difficult thing when your abuser is gaslighting and minimising and telling you you're over-reacting. Then you removed yourself and your child from the situation - very difficult when your abuser has spent years isolating you and telling you (by words or actions) that you can't cope on your own, nobody else would want you, you're useless, etc.

Now you're in a safer situation, and your brain and body, which have been used to operating under immense stress for the last 30 years, are not getting their regular dose of the stress hormone cortisol - and they've gone into shock. That's why you're feeling fear and dread and your thoughts are spiralling out of control. It's a totally natural and normal response and it's a big factor in why so many people return to abusive relationships again and again - because being out feels terrifying and like everything is out of control.

One of the best things I've been advised is that when I'm panicking about "should have" and "what if" is to Keep It In The Day. Don't worry about what's already happened, that's gone and can't be changed. Don't worry about what hasn't yet happened, that's still in the future and we have no knowledge of it. All I need to do is the things I need to do TODAY. Get dressed, take a shower, feed my animals, nip out to the shop for supplies for today. If I feel up to it, I can do a weekly shop. If I don't, I can just get what I need right now. I will make sure that I have a meaningful conversation with someone about how I'm feeling. I will make a list of the things I am grateful for today. I have a list of things that need doing longer term, and I won't try to tackle them all at once, as then I'll start panicking again. Just for today, I will keep it in the day, and I will be okay.

Take care OP, you are on the right path and you and DC have a great life ahead of you 💐

[Bluehanger]

Thank you

[Bluehanger]

Not feeling good again today. Too much to deal with.

[Bluehanger]

Is anyone around please?

[supercali77]

Sorry OP i missed your latest post, how are you doing? Have you tried calling the NHS and asking for counselling sessions?