I've put off posting this on here but I've got nowhere to turn and am spiralling to a bad place. I'm there already really. Sleeping for 10 minutes then jolting awake in a panic.
I have in the last few months left a 30 year neglectful, abusive marriage. I now realise he is a covert narcissist and his ongoing behaviour since the split has just highlighted this even more and floored me to realise what I put up with over the years and how self centred he is. I'm feeling massive guilt about this towards my young adult child and can see now that I had unhealthy boundaries (likely because of a very dysfunctional upbringing) and can't believe I choose to have a child with this person. The past years in the home have been immensely unhappy with his negativity and behaviour and his complete lack of empathy towards everyone. He put our lives at serious risk a few months ago and showed little concern or remorse.
I've experienced loneliness these past few months and its the been one of the the most painful and cruel things I've had happen to me. I have been lucky enough to not experience it before.
This has now exacerbated feelings and worries that I have that my child will be alone when they are older and I'm not around. No family at Christmas, no support network etc. I also feel now that another family member would lessen the intensely of this terrible situation with just me and my adult child left in the house. I am hating myself for not having another child to make their life more complete and I'm torn up by reading things about people having their siblings for support in adulthood.
I'm in a complete mess and want to undo and redo lots of things which i can't but it seems like the only way out. I know I'm not well and have an appointment to get help but I really need to talk as well please.