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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Single mum new relationship pressure need help

50 replies

Ace15 · 28/07/2022 22:13

Hi looking for some opinions on my current situation.

I am currently a single mum of two a 2 year old and 7 year old who works full time. I don't get much help from my daughters father as he only takes her every Sunday for a few hours and my sons dad has never been present in his life.

I recently started dating again 3–4months to be exact and see the other half when I can get help from childcare from my parents.

I have not introduced my new partner to my kids yet although I am happy and sure of my new partner and would eventually like to introduce them.

Hi looking for some opinions on my current situation.

I am currently a single mum of two a 16month old and 7 year old who works full time. I don't get much help from my daughters father as he only takes her every Sunday for a few hours and my sons dad has never been present in his life.

I recently started dating again 3–4months to be exact and see the other half when I can get help from childcare from my parents.

I have not introduced my new partner to my kids yet although I am happy and sure of my new partner and would eventually like to introduce them.

I believe this is something that can't be rushed and I really want to do right by my children in this area due to things not having worked out in the past with either of their dads.

I manage to see my new partner one a week minimum. In the space of the 3-4 months we have also been on a long weekend away together a overnight and a week where he came to stay with me when my parents had the kids on holiday. So there has been progression happening to some extent.

Intially he was very understanding of my situation and lack of childcare and vowed to support me and be patient. We have both expressed the desire to commit to a blended family life together when the time is right however now his patience seems to be running out and he feels he is not getting enough time with me and questioning my commitment to him as I won't introduce him to the kids just yet which would give him more time with me and us.

I had initially planned to introduce them to him when they returned from holiday just last week however my son has started asking questions about his dad and about his sister going with visits to her dad's and I just feel he may not be ready to be introduced to a new man in his life just yet despite thinking my new partner would be a good male figure in his life I just don't want my son overly confused and want to put him first.
I have told my new partner I understand his lack of frustration at not being able to be fully present in our life's as of yet and expressed that I would be happy with him in our life's more however based on my children I would just like a little more patience when it comes to Meeting them especially in light of all my sons new questions.
My partner feels asthough I don't understand his point of view and he can't go on with so little time together and feels he needs to put his needs first. He claims he loves me and wanted to be in our lives more than anything and feels hurt that I won't let that happen just now. He feels me not allowing him into their lives at this stage is showing him I'm unsure about him.
I really do see a future with this guy am I wrong for wanting to wait a little longer for the sake of my kids or am I not giving him enough time?

Any advice or opinions greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

LooneyToon · 28/07/2022 22:17

He doesnt come first and if he doesnt like it he can fuck off.. imo

FAQs · 28/07/2022 22:19

Wow, a few weeks and he is asking to be part of their lives and wants more of your time and is putting pressure on, off you pop would be my response.

Sidge · 28/07/2022 22:19

Dump him. He’s not respecting your needs or those of your children, who incidentally are very young to be meeting a new man. It’s way too soon. You’ve only been dating a few months, he’s not even your other half he’s just a boyfriend.

Beachsidesunset · 28/07/2022 22:21

He's not a partner, he's not your other half, he's showing some worrying signs already. What are you doing, woman?

Coll5 · 28/07/2022 22:22

3-4 months which I don't find to be a huge amount of time I feel if I hadn't introduced them at maybe 6months -1year maybe his frustration would be a bit more understandable? I guess you just doubt yourself sometimes. Thanks

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2022 22:23

First of all, he's not your partner. He's your boyfriend and you barely know him.

Secondly, it is far, FAR too early to introduce him to your kids. Do what's best for your children, and that's not it.

Thirdly, he is pressuring you and not respecting your choices. I would bin him off faster than you could turn around. He reeks of control issues. He's love bombing you and trying to make you go against what you know is best for your kids. Get the fuck rid of him.

PetalParty · 28/07/2022 22:29

Some men groom mothers of young children because they are child abusers.
This happens more often than you would think.

Moonface123 · 28/07/2022 22:33

Its way too soon, you hardly know him or his background or his agenda, l cannot believe you are already thinking of bring ing him into your family, your youngest is only two years old, way too vulnerable.
l would keep things seperate for much longer, what's the rush ?

He is actually showing how selfish he is pressurising you like this, yes it would benefit him fine, but not your kids.

Fireflygal · 28/07/2022 22:35

He is trying to rush you and isn't listening to your genuine concerns for your son. Its a red flag

How long have you been single?

Aquamarine1029 · 28/07/2022 22:38

Someone who genuinely cares about you would never try to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do or aren't ready for. Take the blinders off, op. This man isn't the Prince Charming you think he is.

Coll5 · 28/07/2022 22:39

@Fireflygal I have been single since my daughter was conceived she was a little suprise at the end of my last 4 year relationship so single around not long off 3 years

Coll5 · 28/07/2022 22:42

@Aquamarine1029 my thoughts exactly I guess if you listen to someone trying to convince you your stance is wrong enough you start to question your own intuitive glad I came here

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 28/07/2022 22:45

I had dc when I met now dh. He never mentioned meeting them at first. Op you are barely in a relationship. Pushy men =dangerous ones imo.. Time to throw this one back.

Coll5 · 28/07/2022 22:46

@PetalParty my profession is actually working with people who have had life experiences in this area. This man I am dating lives local to me and has many mutual friends and would never have been left alone with any of my children anytime soon even if Introductions did happen it would have been more along the lines of outdoor brief friendly gatherings to begin with. I totally understand your comment tho.

WhoWants2Know · 28/07/2022 22:48

Your youngest is only 16 months old and you've been seeing someone for 4 months. A year is not enough time to move past the end of a relationship AND adjust to being a single mum of two AND adjust to working full time. At that stage, you just aren't in a good position to rationally start on a romantic relationship. It's a BAD idea, even if the guy is Prince Charming. And this guy? He's not.

A man who starts a relationship with someone in your position and then starts asking for his feelings to be prioritised over your kids is not a good man.

Govesdancingpartner · 28/07/2022 22:55

PetalParty · 28/07/2022 22:29

Some men groom mothers of young children because they are child abusers.
This happens more often than you would think.

That is the first thought I had.
Sorry to be cynical

StarDolphins · 28/07/2022 23:13

3-4 months is WAY way too soon (more like 12 months) to be introducing him to your children.

children simply must come first, this relationship needs way more foundations than it has at this short time.

Also, he’s not being patient (or having empathy for you or your children) he’s being bratty. If he’s being like this after such a short time, I would add another year on before he meets the children. Once you damage children, it’s hard to rectify it.

put your children & yourself first.

seaUrchinOne · 28/07/2022 23:16

You don't feel ready so listen to that. Only seeing him once a week for 3-4 months, you don't know him well enough yet.

Dotcheck · 28/07/2022 23:19

He really is rushing it. If you’ve hardly seen each other, how do you know it’s love? Or the fixer relationship that people have after they break up.

Tempted to say that you must have loads of free time due to 7 year old working full time. He must be exhausted

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/07/2022 23:23

PetalParty · 28/07/2022 22:29

Some men groom mothers of young children because they are child abusers.
This happens more often than you would think.

This occurred to me too.

Listen to your instincts. He shouldn’t be pressurising you at all. The fact he is is a red flag. Plus he’s emotionally blackmailing you, or attempting to.

Reason enough to end it.

Catlover1970 · 28/07/2022 23:24

I actually think he has a point. Seeing each other once a week isn’t much and I can see
why he is getting a bit impatient tbh. Obviously I get that you’re putting your
kids first as you should be. Can’t he
come round a bit more when your kids are asleep in bed?

Charley50 · 28/07/2022 23:27

I feel that your instincts are right; your DC have had a lot going on in their lives so far, and don't need a new man in their lives who may turn out to be abusive or let them down.

I feel like this new man is manipulating you, telling you he loves you after just a few weeks and pushing your boundaries regarding your children.

I think you should listen to your instincts and act accordingly. And do not stay with him because it seems to difficult to end things. ❤️

mindutopia · 28/07/2022 23:45

Trust your gut. Dh and I have been happily married for 12 years and I couldn’t tell you the last time we had a weekend away together (before youngest was born? He’s 4). And we’ve never had a week alone together since eldest was born 9 years ago. I’d say you’re doing pretty well on spending time together when it’s only been a few months.

ClaryFairchild · 29/07/2022 02:02

He's not wrong wanting to see you more, but neither are you and given that the impact on you includes 2 DC that is more important than what he wants.

Problem is that he doesn't truly understand children and their needs and your responsibility to them because he isn't a parent. He can TRY to understand but he likely doesn't have anything to base it on. All he understands is that in this honeymoon period when he's all loved up and excited at seeing you he doesn't get to see you very often. Guessing his previous relationships haven't involved children and so he could see them a lot more.

Not sure there is a solution. Either you give I and introduce him to your DC which is a really bad idea for them, he listens to you and gives it more time, or he gets frustrated at not seeing you and breaks it off.

vaingina · 29/07/2022 02:10

Well done for spotting this- men groom women to get access to their children. No way should he put pressure on you. He seems very keen to get to your kids. Sorry. Always put your children first, like you are doing. At this young age, your children need you keep boyfriends separate from them.Hone your radar even further and see what you start to notice.

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