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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Single mum new relationship pressure need help

50 replies

Ace15 · 28/07/2022 22:13

Hi looking for some opinions on my current situation.

I am currently a single mum of two a 2 year old and 7 year old who works full time. I don't get much help from my daughters father as he only takes her every Sunday for a few hours and my sons dad has never been present in his life.

I recently started dating again 3–4months to be exact and see the other half when I can get help from childcare from my parents.

I have not introduced my new partner to my kids yet although I am happy and sure of my new partner and would eventually like to introduce them.

Hi looking for some opinions on my current situation.

I am currently a single mum of two a 16month old and 7 year old who works full time. I don't get much help from my daughters father as he only takes her every Sunday for a few hours and my sons dad has never been present in his life.

I recently started dating again 3–4months to be exact and see the other half when I can get help from childcare from my parents.

I have not introduced my new partner to my kids yet although I am happy and sure of my new partner and would eventually like to introduce them.

I believe this is something that can't be rushed and I really want to do right by my children in this area due to things not having worked out in the past with either of their dads.

I manage to see my new partner one a week minimum. In the space of the 3-4 months we have also been on a long weekend away together a overnight and a week where he came to stay with me when my parents had the kids on holiday. So there has been progression happening to some extent.

Intially he was very understanding of my situation and lack of childcare and vowed to support me and be patient. We have both expressed the desire to commit to a blended family life together when the time is right however now his patience seems to be running out and he feels he is not getting enough time with me and questioning my commitment to him as I won't introduce him to the kids just yet which would give him more time with me and us.

I had initially planned to introduce them to him when they returned from holiday just last week however my son has started asking questions about his dad and about his sister going with visits to her dad's and I just feel he may not be ready to be introduced to a new man in his life just yet despite thinking my new partner would be a good male figure in his life I just don't want my son overly confused and want to put him first.
I have told my new partner I understand his lack of frustration at not being able to be fully present in our life's as of yet and expressed that I would be happy with him in our life's more however based on my children I would just like a little more patience when it comes to Meeting them especially in light of all my sons new questions.
My partner feels asthough I don't understand his point of view and he can't go on with so little time together and feels he needs to put his needs first. He claims he loves me and wanted to be in our lives more than anything and feels hurt that I won't let that happen just now. He feels me not allowing him into their lives at this stage is showing him I'm unsure about him.
I really do see a future with this guy am I wrong for wanting to wait a little longer for the sake of my kids or am I not giving him enough time?

Any advice or opinions greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Thisisworsethananticpated · 29/07/2022 06:16

I’m a single mum and I’ve been dating someone for 6 months
no way is he meeting my kids yet ! Is fairly casual

in your situation you need something more casual and maybe another lone parent

you really don’t need someone who is pushing so fast for serious when you have 2 small kids

you barely know him yet !

and I’m guessing he doesn’t have kids yet

I agree that at their age you could compromise and have him over when they are asleep

but maybe this means you arnt compatible
so be it ?

oobeedoobee · 29/07/2022 07:19

At 3-4 months, he's essentially still a stranger to you, and he is showing bullying tactics already because you're not putting his 'needs' before your childrens ? Nah, off you fuck sunshine !

At this early stage, he should be keen to still show you his 'best' self, and if his selfish, bullying behaviour is his 'best' self, then there's only more nasty surprises for you if you stay with him !

You and your DC deserve MUCH better.

Clymene · 29/07/2022 07:24

So you've spent, what, a total of 3 weeks in his company?

Throw him back. A man who is pressurising you to meet your children, who is sulking that he doesn't come first, is not the man for a single mother. Any man you date has to understand that your children come first.

Catlover1970 · 29/07/2022 08:06

ClaryFairchild · 29/07/2022 02:02

He's not wrong wanting to see you more, but neither are you and given that the impact on you includes 2 DC that is more important than what he wants.

Problem is that he doesn't truly understand children and their needs and your responsibility to them because he isn't a parent. He can TRY to understand but he likely doesn't have anything to base it on. All he understands is that in this honeymoon period when he's all loved up and excited at seeing you he doesn't get to see you very often. Guessing his previous relationships haven't involved children and so he could see them a lot more.

Not sure there is a solution. Either you give I and introduce him to your DC which is a really bad idea for them, he listens to you and gives it more time, or he gets frustrated at not seeing you and breaks it off.

This

Catlover1970 · 29/07/2022 08:08

vaingina · 29/07/2022 02:10

Well done for spotting this- men groom women to get access to their children. No way should he put pressure on you. He seems very keen to get to your kids. Sorry. Always put your children first, like you are doing. At this young age, your children need you keep boyfriends separate from them.Hone your radar even further and see what you start to notice.

How sad that posters automatically assume a man they know nothing about is a groomer. Tragic really

Sunshineandflipflops · 29/07/2022 09:35

You are doing the right thing op. It is too soon and your son is showing your massive signs that he is not ready for this.

Any man worth keeping will understand that your dc must come first and will be patient. If he can't be then he isn't as into you as he makes out he is.

My dc are older than yours and didn't meet my dp for 6 months and that was only because they asked to meet him (they were 11 and 13). Even then it was on a social basis and we still don't live together so that I can put their needs first. My dp understands and respects this and as much as he'd like to spend more time with me, he is patient and understanding.

What did your bf expect when he started dating a single mum with two young children?

Clymene · 29/07/2022 10:10

@Catlover1970 - single parents (of which I am one) have to be hyper aware of men who target single mothers to access their children.

Yes it's sad that we have to do that. I'm not sure that's what you meant though

Beamur · 29/07/2022 10:18

Coll5 · 28/07/2022 22:42

@Aquamarine1029 my thoughts exactly I guess if you listen to someone trying to convince you your stance is wrong enough you start to question your own intuitive glad I came here

I think your instincts are spot on.
He's said all the right things but his actions are not the same.
He's not your priority and I wouldn't want anyone with that attitude around my children.

wellhelloitsme · 29/07/2022 10:24

@Catlover1970

How sad that posters automatically assume a man they know nothing about is a groomer. Tragic really

Posters have said to be cautious as anyone could be a groomer.

They haven't said this guy definitely is.

It's absolutely right that women should always have safeguarding of their children in mind when it comes to introducing men they're dating to their children.

Cautious and careful is good.

RockinHorseShit · 29/07/2022 10:29

Get rid, I'd be very suspicious of a man pushing for such early inclusion in your DCs lives. At best he's a selfish prick who puts himself first.

Watchkeys · 29/07/2022 13:11

he feels he is not getting enough time with me and questioning my commitment to him

If he thinks you're not as committed a partner as he wants, it's his responsibility to recognise that his needs are not being met, and leave the relationship. It's not up to him to decide what you 'should' be doing, and then pressure you into doing that.

You are the one with the responsibility to make sure that your needs are being met, and if not, to leave the relationship.

Minimalme · 29/07/2022 13:30

What he has said is designed to put you under pressure op - ask yourself why he wants to do that?

His words translate emotionally to:

"You can't really care about me if you won't let me have regular access to your kids. Your insistence on putting your kids before me is causing me such emotional pain, I will have to end our relationship unless you give me access to your kids."

Nice people don't say that shit.

RelentlessForwardProgress · 29/07/2022 13:36

"My partner feels as though I don't understand his point of view and he can't go on with so little time together and feels he needs to put his needs first. He claims he loves me and wanted to be in our lives more than anything and feels hurt that I won't let that happen just now. He feels me not allowing him into their lives at this stage is showing him I'm unsure about him."

Well, nothing would make more unsure about a man than this sort of behavior....

If you didn't have doubts about him before this carry on, you would now.

Hotenoughtoburnasausage · 29/07/2022 13:45

Many years ago my friend had her 2 dc taken into care after an 'accident '(abuse) of her toddler dc involving her recently acquired bf.. The memory never left me..

GalactatingGoddess · 29/07/2022 13:50

I don't want to be negative or cynical, but as PPs said some men will choose young women with kids to try and get close to their children for abuse purposes, usually sexual/grooming.

Personally, I think 1 year is an acceptable time to wait after someone has proven themselves before introducing them to your very young children.

Be careful OP x

toucaninjapan · 29/07/2022 13:54

PetalParty · 28/07/2022 22:29

Some men groom mothers of young children because they are child abusers.
This happens more often than you would think.

I thought the same.

Evasmissingletter · 29/07/2022 14:13

Dump this manipulative fucker. Red flags all over.

LaingsAcidTab · 29/07/2022 14:23

You have already made two poor choices when it comes to partners; please don't make a third. Rather commit to yourself and get yourself into some therapy so you are better able to identify when you're in dangerous territory when it comes to men.

PetalParty · 29/07/2022 16:04

Coll5 · 28/07/2022 22:46

@PetalParty my profession is actually working with people who have had life experiences in this area. This man I am dating lives local to me and has many mutual friends and would never have been left alone with any of my children anytime soon even if Introductions did happen it would have been more along the lines of outdoor brief friendly gatherings to begin with. I totally understand your comment tho.

Then you would already know that his locality or the number of mutual friends is entirely irrelevant to the level of danger he may or may not pose.

Are you under the impression peadophiles usually live under a rock somewhere and are usually complete strangers, maybe with “evil” helpfully written on their knuckles?

Often they are family, they may even be a well known, respectable, presentable and smart member of the community, possibly: a school head, a judge, a surgeon… politicians and the clergy we all know about… it could literally be anyone! The only thing they may have in common is a strong desire to have access to your child.

RockinHorseShit · 29/07/2022 16:22

PetalParty
Some men groom mothers of young children because they are child abusers.
This happens more often than you would think.

This was my first thought too & we know families affected by this same behaviour. He didn't just target their DD, but her friends too

lunar1 · 29/07/2022 16:45

If even part of you is considering letting him spend time with your children you need to look at doing a Claire's law disclosure. It shouldn't be a problem for him if he's a keeper.

Your son has already been through a lot. He has a sibling with a different dad who she goes off to see, what kind of relationship did your ds have with him? Did he live with you? Do they still see each other?

Dontknowwhyidoit · 29/07/2022 17:03

If I was you, I would tell him you will understand if he needs to end the relationship if he is not happy with the amount of time you can spend with him, but the fact is YOU HAVE TO PUT YOUR CHILDRENS FEELINGS BEFORE HIS as you are a parent. I had a long distance relationship with my now husband for 3 years before I would commit to living with him as I had two son's from a previous relationship. My husband never put any pressure on me to put his needs above my children's as I made it very clear from the start that they were my priority not our relationship. The first year of any relationship is when you get to know each other and that comes before any introduction, like a previous poster said you can not undo any damage done to them so caution needs to be taken.

Luluissleeping · 30/07/2022 08:51

3-4 months in? Way too soon to be talking about introducing him to your kids let alone talking about blending families. Son asking about his father? Way too soon to introduce another man. I would stay single and concentrate on my kids' needs or carry on seeing the boyfriend (he is not your other half or partner after only 3-4 months) separately. You barely know him. He is showing red flags by putting pressure on you. If he has no kids himself he probably does not understand your situation.

pictish · 30/07/2022 08:56

No no…it’s way too soon for him to pushing his way into your family. The circumstances are what they are and if he can’t respect the need for patience he’s not the one.
I wouldn’t consider an introduction at this stage.

Bananalanacake · 30/07/2022 09:47

And don't let him move in with you.

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