I think my significant ex has a new partner

[watermelonlipbalm]

We have 2 children together.
My ex husband walked out on me when I was pregnant with our second. I thought we were very much I love but obviously he'd been very dishonest about his feelings. He treated me horrendously following, lots of gas lighting and emotional abuse. Three years on I'm in a mucb better place and we seem to get on well enough for the children.
I've had to have cbt therapy and on going council to deal with the trauma he caused me. I genially went through a phase of feeling like I had ptsd. Did I mention that he dumped me, his wife, over text when I was 6 months pregnant?!
Anyway that's in the past but just wanted to give a bit of back story.
Romantically I'm 100% disconnected from him. I feel like that ship sailed a very long time ago because he treated me so badly. But I'm left still feeling very wounded about what he's done to me life. I am now a single parent, I claim UC on top of my wage, I have no social life, I have no savings and no prospect of moving out of my parents house because I just can't manage finically on my own in the current climate. Emotionally I just cannot seem to get over the fact that my children have a second home. My feels like it's totally split on half. They don't go to his all that often but they sleep weekly and I have to split birthdays and christmases. This decision was just made for me and I can't not feel sad about it.
He's just bought a house with loads of bedrooms. He picks and chooses when he sees the children. He has a well paid job and he decided what CMP he gives me.
I shouldn't compare my life to his because I wouldn't swap having my children for the majority for a single thing in the world. I wouldn't. But i find it so hard that he just got to walk out and make my life so difficult.
Anyway, I accidentally saw a text on his phone. We were sat next to each other and he was texting and I glanced over without even realising I did. I've put 2 and 2 together with other things hes said in the past and things on FB and I'm fairly confident he has a new girl friend.
This has triggered no romantic jealously whatsoever. I just want to make that abundantly clear. I am not sad about that at all.
But what does just make me sad is how far away I feel this is for me. I have no free time at all between the children work school run and my own life admin. But I'm so lonely. It all just feels so much harder for me.
She is a lot younger then me, if it gets serious (which it might not with them but it might with someone else... you get my drift) he could have children... my boys would have a whole other family away from me.
I always dreamt of lots more children. A house. A family. I just feel like that is just constantly slipping away.
Urgh this post is so woeful I know.
I'm just in a really lonely stuck in the mud kind of place.
Has anyone ever felt like this? Does it get better?

The main thing that stood out for me is that HE decides how much CM he is paying you - despite having a well paid job and that you live with your parents on UC.

Are you divorced? Did you not get any settlement? Why is he able to buy a house with loads of bedrooms and yet you have nothing?

I'd be speaking to either a solicitor or the CMS to try and even things out financially.

Hello @watermelonlipbalm, yes I've been through it. Mine left when our ds was 16 months and promptly married the ow. After he left I was in pain for a year, the year milestone hit and I thought I'd better stop talking about him/them all the time and try to move on.

It was very hard and I felt all the emotions you have mentioned, my life on standby, job opportunities passed me by, not socialising due to childcare.

Again I've had to proactively decide not to dwell on this cos I was becoming a sad version of myself. I try to focus on being the best possible mum and have set a goal that when ds leaves primary, that will be my window to start looking at other jobs, social life etc. That's another 4 years, which gives me time to plan, maybe do a part time course, and enjoy my ds.

I go through ups and downs of course, but my outlook has massively improved as time goes on. I think you maybe grieve for the life you foresaw, fight the injustice at it not being your decision, then accept and make the best.

Sending solidarity and hugs to you, you've got this xx

It's no small thing to be the one who has been forced to sacrifice all of their freedom.

So we have no finical ties when we were married so the divorce was simple. We didn't have a joint bank account or savings. The relationship was long but the marriage very short.
We accumulated debt.... in my name. He's left me with that. He also under pays me so I've added on debt, which I suppose I'm to blame for too.

He was so awful with me the time I brought CMA up he threatens tk take me to court to take the children off me. I fell into a really really dark place and o just cannot revisit that place.

He knows he has power over me. He won't give me any more then what he does and for my own mental health I just can't push it.

Thank you. This really speaks to me ♥️

Ahhh I'm sorry you're here too, it's such a weird place to be in isn't it!
When I try to talk to people about this it just comes across as I'm winging or being negative, but it's just so much more then that!
I can't see me being happy with a partner right now because I still just feel a bit all over the place. I want to loose half a stone and focus on being healthy and finically stable.
I also want my children to be a little bit older.
But then I put myself under pressure because I'm SO lonely and because I'm 31 and I'm worried about wasting my time. I would've loved to have met someone and had a family. Obviously this may well happen or I may well want something different! But it's just hard... as you know ♥️

Do you have a child arrangement order? He can’t “take the children from you”. Even if you ended up in court, which seems unlikely, they tend to stick with the status quo so he’s got nothing to threaten you with. You don’t need to discuss child support with him, you can apply for it without telling him. Yes he might be annoyed but he’ll have them to deal with.

It wouldn’t stop you hurting but it might mean you have more money, it will mean he’s not controlling you with it, and you’ll be able to rely on it.

Given the trauma you’ve experienced is it wise to be seeing so much of him that you’re sitting next to him and can see his messages? He’s done a right number on you and I think you’ll have a better chance to heal if you keep contact to a minimum, reduce anything face to face, stick to a schedule for the children and only email as absolutely necessary.

You don’t have to get on with him. He’s a bastard who’s treated you appallingly. So many women are conditioned to hide their pain and put a brave face on things. You don’t have to. You don’t owe him a thing but access to your shared children. Don’t put yourself in positions where you can continue to be hurt by the utter twat.

If he is in a relationship and they do have children all I’d do feel is pity. She has no idea what a dick head he is and that he might dump her by text too.

Just go to CMS he won't want the DC full time in his love nest.

Your solicitor did you an injustice, if you loved together before marriage and have DC then the marital assets and debts should have been 50:50.

Start getting angry at him being a complete weasel.

Ahhh thanks both. I know you're absolutely right about the CMA part. He's done me over financially!

Contact is at an absolute minimum. He's started showing up at my sons sports practise whenever he pleases... that is the only time I see him other then drop offs or birthdays or school thjngs. He sat next to me at the practise and had his phone out 70% of the time.

I wish he didn't show up, I put a fake smile on and make general chit chat but that will never ever change how he treated me!

@watermelonlipbalm I could have written this myself. Separated officially 2 years, still not divorced (him being a pain). But life is soooo hard. I work FT, have the kids most of the time (and the dog FT!) and have very little money. He earns well over 6 figures, got the family home and has all the free time in the world. He started seeing someone at the end of last summer, moved her in after a few weeks without a care in the world.... Baby due in a a couple of months. It's so so hard and seems so very very unfair. I totally get it. I'm in therapy (which is strongly recommend) and the biggest takeaway I've had is to sit with your feelings, don't ignore them cos you think you shouldn't be feeling them, don't push them down, acknowledge them and accept them. I'm so sorry you're going through this too x

Totally understand, I’m going through this too and feel the same. Treated appallingly, he has financial freedom, decides what and if he will pay CMS, doesn’t see the children, has all the freedom of time and seems to have walked off in to an easy life. Lives it up with holidays, expensive meals out with his new partner…and yet he did none of this before! I can’t see myself meeting anybody as I have no free time whatsoever.

I don't understand this...I'm in the British Isles, my DP (split 6 years ago) is paying his ex w lifetime spousal maintenance, as well as all expenses for the kids (she doesn't work), and pays her mortgage on her new house (she got all the equity from their old house). It's kind of the opposite situation in that she used to beat him for years - yet that's what she got, how did it work out so different for yourselves?

If you don’t have a consent order go court to get financial justice (50% of his savings and pension plus child maintenance and possibly maintenance for you).
This fabulous charity will help you free of charge
www.supportthroughcourt.org/

The courts deem the length of your marriage to be (seamless) cohabitation + marriage. So do not worry about that.

I wasn’t married so my legal options were limited.

I can obviously only speak in my own behalf but when we split we weee living at my parents. We have no joint finical assests or savings. We were paying off our wedding with plan to then begin saving for a deposit but he walked and left me with the debt which a sin my name. He originally agreed to pay but he refused. He refused to give me anything towards the baby either and said, and I quote, "if you can't afford to buy the baby things then I will take him and he can live with me because I'll be buying myself the thjngs".

I have had CBT and counciling to deal with what he's put me through but I have massive emotional triggers. He knows that he can always threaten to take me to court to get 50/50 custody and he's entitled to it apparently. I would absolutely die if that happened so I'm trapped.

He isn't finically responsible for his chidlren. So he can think he's amazing and perfect dad but actually he's a dad when it suits him.

BUT this thread isn't really about this. I worry about giving too much giving information if I discuss the cma any further!

Even though you're divorced, as an earlier poster said, if you did not have a consent order/ financial order you can go back to court to get half his pension, share of assets etc. And can do CMS calculator online to see if you'd get more than he's currently paying when he feels like it.
He won't want the kids 50% of the time, his new woman certainly won't! He's just trying emotional blackmail

He sounds quite abusive with the threats of taking the kids away. I would get in touch with womens aid, they’ll be used to advising women with partners like this. Do everything formally, he can’t take the kids off you but have a formal arrangement and limit contact so it’s the bare minimum. All this sitting with him, he can use that to really mess with your head so best keep away and do things formally. Hopefully the spare time you get while they’re at his you can work on yourself and your social life. Win win.

with men like him you can’t do things informally, they’ll mess you about and threaten you. Communicate by text or email so you can save any threats as evidence. Make sure you get the cm formally arranged and definitely invest in some legal advice if you can as you will want access to his pension etc as you were married, why should you be only left with debt when he’s doing well for himself. Like I mentioned, talk to womens aid and also citizens advice. Know your rights and don’t let him talk you out of things.

This man is abusive. You need to stop spending time with him ; perhaps ask your parents to do the “handover” of the children when he spends time with them.
Do not be cowed by threats; as pp have said, men like him rarely want 50/50 access as it limits their freedom. In any event it is very unlikely a court would disrupt the status quo unless it was in the best interests of the child.
If you don’t have a financial order then please explore this. It is hard I know when you have so little time to yourself but at the very least he is also legally responsible so far as the law is concerned for the debts you jointly incurred whilst married.
It is tough but you will get through this. You are young and you will have opportunities for a more balanced life when the children are a little older. What is important is to get some counselling if you can and start putting your needs at the top of the list, along with your children’s. You owe your ex nothing and in years to come you will be glad he left, because you can do much, much better. I promise.

I am so sorry for what your going through, the pain & in justification is horrible but your doing amazing.

if you lived together before marriage and have DC then the marital assets and debts should have been 50:50.

I very much doubt it.

Not with a short marriage you won't.

The OP has said they had no assets/savings, they had debts, MN can't seem to understand not everyone has assets, pensions to take 50% of

Sorry too to hear this. The same thing happened to me when DD was 2 and I was 2 months pregnant with DS.
Like you I was in shock for 3 years and really the only thing that helped me get over the feelings of loss and unfairness in time.
You have received good advice on the financial side. Please also go and have a free half hour with a family lawyer. Loads of them to do it. Go armed with facts / dates and questions to make the best use of your time.
He sounds like a abusive man like my ex. They are used to gaslighting and abusing us and getting what they want. You need to galvanise yourself and get an army behind you. They are awful.
Also speculating about whether or not they might have a baby is futile. My ex is now with yet another younger woman. I really hope they choose not to but I have zero control over it. If they do they do but I try not to project. Deal with the practical things you can change and don't project into the future.

When the DC are older they will see that he is flakey and not consistent. You will provide consistency and unfaltering love. That's what they need. My DC are now 15 and 12 and they can see all of the cracks in his behaviour despite having a good r'ship with him.
He's still an arse to me but these days I try and see him as an annoying little fly that won't go away but just makes a noise in my ear. It makes him smaller somehow.

You are still so young. I think if you get yourself into a better position financially starting with him then with time the other things around you will fall into place. I promise you it gets easier and your feelings of despair will dissipate . Especially as the DC get older . It's a long road but a rewarding one. His will be less so.

Need advice on broken marriage.

Hello all.

I just wanted to share my story to be able to get a second opinion from you lovely people.

I been with a my husband since I was 17 (he's 10 yrs older than me ) but we started living separately since 2015 because he left me & my daughter for a women he had an affair with not mention he got her pregnant too. ( she lost the baby ).

Too cut the long story short as possible, I asked him to leave when he came back because I didn't want my child at the time who was 8 to be effected any longer. I was in a bad place. Prior to affair we had so many problems from him going out early hours, either gambling or smoking weed. Anyway I realised he needed time to sort himself out despite he had the affair & left her to come back . By that time I decided we could no longer live together because he wasn't finically consistent too. I had to claim as a single parent.

Now I am not perfect either, some time ago before having our child, I felt lonely in the relationship as he was either out or working away so I had contacted an old friend for support. Nothing physical happened but husband thought so and felt heart broken. I was ended my friendship, made it up to him & we got married on the condition he gave up weed & the lifestyle. I absolutely adore this man despite how I have been treated over the yrs.

Anyway our problems didn't get better living apart as his behaviour has been so erratic. I tried so hard to suggest marriage counselling & be there for him. There were times where he would gas light me, ignore me for weeks and months with no contact. I explained to him many times that in order to fix our problems & understand one another better we need counselling. In between this period there has been substance abuse & gambling & rumours about women.

Over time we drifted but still didn't want to officially part & I changed my life around, went to university & got help for my depression. Went through a lot of trauma of losing father to cancer & keeping my situation a secret from my family who are very cultural. I suffer with mental health problems and other health issues.

I refused to allow him back home til I saw I was able to rely on him money wise. I know this sounds bad but he's never been good with budgeting ect & every-time I tried to explain my feelings he says it's due to him building his house back home. I never ask him for nothing because I am not a fraud & we live separately. I never resented him because he has his own bills & commitments. Now he's been evicted because he didn't communicate his money issues with landlord ect as his communication is so poor. (He didn't tell me about the eviction til I found out. Then I discovered he been flirting a year affair which didn't help matters & I was upset saying that the trust between us is broken.

Now he's angry for my reaction about the flirting messages I found reminding me that I had previously had an affair too. Again I explained it wasn't an affair & that he can't use that against me every time he does something wrong! He said it's how it is. Now he is angry that I let him live away from the home for over 5 yrs. He is not happy and the marriage isn't good enough for him anymore. He is leaving to go back home. He also said I had prioritised my education to wanting to stand on my feet before we ever live together again. He's really broken me in a way that all the blame is shifted on to me & making me feel vulnerable and confused. I have no idea what he is trying to do. Either he's walking away or trying to make me choose either let him back home or we officially divorcing.. I feel this is unfair & not the right way to go about things. We both are very upset. My daughter adores her dad but knows he's not the easiest for me. I don't know what am suppose to do anymore !but I won't be forced into anything to get back to the same problems.