I think my significant ex has a new partner

[watermelonlipbalm]

We have 2 children together.
My ex husband walked out on me when I was pregnant with our second. I thought we were very much I love but obviously he'd been very dishonest about his feelings. He treated me horrendously following, lots of gas lighting and emotional abuse. Three years on I'm in a mucb better place and we seem to get on well enough for the children.
I've had to have cbt therapy and on going council to deal with the trauma he caused me. I genially went through a phase of feeling like I had ptsd. Did I mention that he dumped me, his wife, over text when I was 6 months pregnant?!
Anyway that's in the past but just wanted to give a bit of back story.
Romantically I'm 100% disconnected from him. I feel like that ship sailed a very long time ago because he treated me so badly. But I'm left still feeling very wounded about what he's done to me life. I am now a single parent, I claim UC on top of my wage, I have no social life, I have no savings and no prospect of moving out of my parents house because I just can't manage finically on my own in the current climate. Emotionally I just cannot seem to get over the fact that my children have a second home. My feels like it's totally split on half. They don't go to his all that often but they sleep weekly and I have to split birthdays and christmases. This decision was just made for me and I can't not feel sad about it.
He's just bought a house with loads of bedrooms. He picks and chooses when he sees the children. He has a well paid job and he decided what CMP he gives me.
I shouldn't compare my life to his because I wouldn't swap having my children for the majority for a single thing in the world. I wouldn't. But i find it so hard that he just got to walk out and make my life so difficult.
Anyway, I accidentally saw a text on his phone. We were sat next to each other and he was texting and I glanced over without even realising I did. I've put 2 and 2 together with other things hes said in the past and things on FB and I'm fairly confident he has a new girl friend.
This has triggered no romantic jealously whatsoever. I just want to make that abundantly clear. I am not sad about that at all.
But what does just make me sad is how far away I feel this is for me. I have no free time at all between the children work school run and my own life admin. But I'm so lonely. It all just feels so much harder for me.
She is a lot younger then me, if it gets serious (which it might not with them but it might with someone else... you get my drift) he could have children... my boys would have a whole other family away from me.
I always dreamt of lots more children. A house. A family. I just feel like that is just constantly slipping away.
Urgh this post is so woeful I know.
I'm just in a really lonely stuck in the mud kind of place.
Has anyone ever felt like this? Does it get better?

@cakedelights
I would ask to get this moved onto your own thread in relationships

It depends how long they lived together before marriage. If they lived together 12 years, then got married, the period of cohabitation counts towards the length of the marriage. OP doesn't have to say, of course, but this is legally correct.

OP definitely go to the CMS - he's being a bully, threatening you with 'taking you to court'. I very much doubt he'll do that.

OP can you have some more therapy?

The reason he is able to pursuee a nea relationship is because because he isn't having to parent full time. If you went 50/50 then you would still be a massove part of your boys' lives but also have some time for you - to socialise, exercise, relax, maybe eventually date.

And yet he's able to buy a large house by himself? Something doesn't add up, qdd in the threats about the children and I'd hazard a guess that he's been financially abusive/controlling too

Ugh, another day. Another cunt of a man treating a woman and children like absolute shit.

Yes, have been there. I have raised my child alone for most of his life. I also felt it was very unfair that my exH continued with his very expensive life while my son, who was in private school while we were married ending up qualifing for free school dinners for most of his childhood. ExH has also being very skilled at avoiding paying the required amount of child maintenance.

There is a single phrase that got me through this and helped me to rebuild my life by putting resentment away: “Don’t be a victim, it disempowers you”.

I have owned up that there were clear signs he would be an arse throughout our apparently perfect relationship, which I chose to ignore. I also accepted that I could have left him much earlier on, he had not me locked in the house, but again, I chose to stay. By accepting my responsibility (not the same as all responsibility) I freed myself as I could change my life if I changed my choices. If I had placed all the responsibility on him, I would still be waiting for him to change, things to be fair and full of resentment as I cannot change him or what he does.

Young children are a lot of work, but I can assure you things will get easier as they grow up if you all work like a team, meaning everyone has an equal chance to be in front of the queue from time to time, including YOU. You are the most important person in the household because you keep the boat afloat and the children safe.

I have managed to raise my son on my very own, working full time. I am not going to say it was easy, but it was very empowering and we have had a very good and happy life despite increased financial concerns. I have now a wonderful partner and an adult son who I am very proud of.

Please do not feel pity for yourself, you need to see yourself as a survivor in all this adversity, not a victim. I am sure you have the strength in you, just be kind and patient with yourself, and take the ex out of your mind as much as you can. The moment you stop expecting him to change, you will be free and in control of your own life 💐

The marital debts were 50% his.

Thanks for the replies.
I've been feeling really sad last night and I've just realised I'm feeling sad because I'm feel like my life just isn't moving forward.
I know a relationship isn't right for me right now as I want to loose a stone and get some new clothes and feel good about myself which I haven't felt like that for a long time. I'm not moving on and I want to but actually I'm stopping myself.
I'm going to let myself feeling these emotions this weekend and then Monday I'm going to use them to motivate myself.
That's the theory anyway.
Goal 1 - loose a stone
Goal 2 - figure out what clothes I enjoy wearing

Little steps are a good plan.
I don’t know how old your children are but as they get older you can probably work more.
could your parents baby sit so you can go out more and have something for you.
Maybe being at your parents could work
in your favour if you wanted to retrain? Then you could earn more money and have your own house eventually.
I guess the key is to not compare yourself to him.
would it be possible to rent a flat once your debt has gone down?
Have you looked on entitled to? To see that you are getting all you can benefit wise.

The problem is the more that I work the less UC I receive because it's means tested. I'd have to increase my hours to full time to actually benifit from more pay. I don't have the childcare for this. I only have my mum to help me and shes 65 and can't help me any more then she does. I also don't want my children to be passed between mum and dad and child minders... even if I could afford it.
I don't know what the answer is. Tbh though o don't really want to get I to a conversation about money. As important as it is. I just need to set my self small feel good targets.
I'm a firm believer that a happy body create a happy mind and vice versa. I'm hoping if I can start feeling more happy and motivated with myself the rest will fall into place.
But yeah, strange feelings right now.

Op, don’t fall for that trap… many women who take the decision to favour UC/benefits over working are totally shafted when their kids become 18, when both child related benefits and maintenance are more than likely to stop.

I decided to work as much as possible and incidentally when you do (like 30+ hours a week) you get extra money and also support to pay for nursery/afterschool clubs. But the most important thing is that you keep busy which in turn improves your social life and keep you motivated and with a good self esteem.

I dealt with the guilt of sending my kid to nursery and after school clubs very easily: I much better had him learning stuff and playing with other kids than sitting in front of the TV/iPad/phone for hours on end. The extra money also helped us to be able to afford much more interesting days out and activities rather than trying to make do with endless Netflix movie nights and an xBox subscription.

Benefits are in place to help you during this difficult situation but aim to get out of them as soon as possible, whether this is in 2 years of by the time your kids are 18 you really need to keep busy so you are able to support your kids and yourself after that threshold.

Be kind to yourself but do not over do it, as this can easily reduce your options and opportunities in the short, medium and long term future.

I have no intention on remaining on UC until my children are 18. Of course I want more for them then that, I want more for myself. God the thought of my life no improving before in the next 16 years is extremely depressing.

Sort out his payments through CMA. It isn't for HIM to decide they will work it out. He can't just take the kids off you- He is playing on your vulnerability. It will be so obvious to a judge if CMA is changed for him to pay more then he tries to take the kids. Judges aren't stupid.
He sounds like a real prize.
Don't let him bully you OP. Stand your ground - you'll feel better for it.

I can relate to what your feeling OP, although my situation is different in that there are no DCs. Split was very unexpected and just over 3 years ago. Needless to say he was a total shit and met someone younger very quickly. Now even though I know I am better off without him, as I don’t think I could trust him, I still get overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and anger. I think this is because he is with his GF, they’ve just had a baby, they are buying a house together and having lovely holidays. Meanwhile I am in our old house which needs repairs I can’t afford and surrounded by memories of him. I am definitely mourning a life I should have had, and it is incredibly painful knowing he is having this life with someone else. For me, our breakup came at an age which means that children are probably no longer an option for me, so I’m also mourning that. I’ve been seeing someone too, but have had to explain to him that due to ex I am having difficulty trusting and with the idea of being in love again. He is patient, but am sure that will run out at some point. Like you, I have felt like I’ve almost had PTSD symptoms. And despite experiencing some very difficult things in my life, him leaving and the fall out from it, has been the most traumatic thing I’ve had to deal with. That’s good you have had CBT/counselling. Does your counsellor not advise you on these feelings you are having? I saw 3 different counsellors but they only helped me to feel better in the short term. Recently I’ve been considering going to GP and asking about counselling or medication, but that is not something I want but I don’t know what else to do. Life seems to be passing me by and I’ve got no idea where I’m headed. I’ve even recently considered emailing ex to ask to meet in the hope that it would help with closure (I cut contact with him a year ago), but not surprisingly my friend does not think that’s a good idea! I am afraid I don’t know what to suggest to help you work through these feelings. Like you, I’m getting fitter and joined an exercise group which really helps me. I’m also going to try and set myself small goals/things to look forward to. Honestly, I find it so hard to understand how people who loved/cared/spent years with someone can just turn into utter heartless shits. Makes me so angry.

Dont see him except at the handover for the children. Open door, kids out, close door. Text all instructions, re clothes, drop off time and so on and do not engage in anything. do not sit next to him, try not to even look at him. block him on all SM. Comparison is the thief of joy. You may not make your life better like this, but at least you won't be constantly 'what if' ing it

I completely understand how you feel, how unjustified all this must seem. To help you put things in a logic perspective. He's not your problem anymore, but someone else's. He's got money but it can't buy happiness. You have your freedom, independence & most of all your kids with you. Do not like that muppet make you feel worthless. Do not a night class or something on the days he has the kids. Get your life back & remember your the winner, not him cos your the one is a snake so he's relationship won't last long because SNAKEs do not change. Plz trust me on this.