Thought I wanted a relationship...

[ToastedWaffle]

Been single 3 years after a horrendously abusive relationship.

Finally decided to take the plunge and venture back in to dating again. Feel like I want a relationship. A happy loving one.

Signed up to OLD. And honestly? I've spoke to loads of men, had messages back and forth with so many. Even exchanged numbers with a couple of them. But I. Just. Can't. Be. Arsed.

I swear, I thought after 3 years of singledom by choice I was more than ready to find a man. I'm not even remotely attracted to any of them. I'm swiping left on every profile. I only message men who have messaged me first. And I dont fancy anyone. Not one single one of them. It feels almost like a chore now to reply back. An obligation I have to fulfill. I'm finding reasons (mostly legit, some not so much) to not bother replying to stop replying to them.

What am i doing wrong? Why am I like this?

Op I'm the same and I just think it's a sign I'm not really ready to date. I've only had been single for a year though. I also feel like I need to meet someone in real life rather than online dating. Maybe try joining some groups like meet up and see if you find someone you connect with that way.

I think you might be right, I'm really struggling to get to grips with it all. I've been asked for a video call tomorrow of some guy so he obviously wants to progress things. I just don't want to and I dont know how to decline without sounding rude.

How old are you Op @ToastedWaffle if you don't me asking? What were/are your expectations of a relationship?

You don't want to do it, which means the relationship won't progress, so does it matter if he thinks you're rude? Just say, "Sorry, I won't be calling," then block him.

I'm exactly same op . 3 years single now after an abusive relationship. I left .

I also thought I wanted a relationship but I've had 2 on line very short lived relationships where I was fucked over .

I really can't be arsed anymore.

Matched with someone on bumble tonight I thought looked promising but he's immediately come off the site 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I've Lao had kids of messages and conversations, lots of actual
Dates and only ever dated the same man again twice and they ended it .
I'm 50 now . Just can't be arsed ! I've started letting the dog sleep on the bed because I'm pretty much convinced a man isn't gonna be in it anytime soon.

I kind of feel the same.

I'm 41 with three kids. Been single almost 10 years and the thought of dating just fills me with dread. When I did go OD the men couldn't hold conversations unless it was to do with something sexual 🙄

Then I hear all these horror stories of ghosting and them being married or controlling yadda yadda and I think "nah I can't do this" but yet I would love to be with someone and have someone to talk to and do the do lol

Maybe when the right one comes along you will want to talk with them and meet them and let it go further.
Maybe for now just focus on yourself

Your not ready ! Blunt question
are you horny ? Do you want hot sex and some fun ?
or are you doing this because you think you should ?

id get your horn and mojo back first

do your hair , make yourself feel your best
smile at men , see who you like the look of in real
life etc

Maybe you'd be better, if you have the chance, of going out and meeting someone in person. I couldn't do apps because I need to feel that instant rapport in real life and I might miss it if I'm just looking at a picture.

I'm 36 with two primary aged kids. I left my abusive relationship but I feel like its marred any potential relationship I could have. I feel like I've wised up a lot having been in that awful relationship and its clouding my judgement of men. At the same time it's a blessing, I'm not young and naive like I was in my 20s, I'm a lot more discerning.

As soon as a guy what's to exchange numbers, video call, meet up, anything outside of the chat parameters I clam up.

I'm not horny but I do get like that every now and again, but this isn't that. I really do want a genuine connection with someone but I cant past certain barriers. Even I dont understand myself. I look at my parents relationship, my brothers relationship and some of my friends. I see what they have and I want that. The comfortability of having someone there who you can talk to about stuff. The way it just works on a premise of give and take. The companionship.

I'm not sure that it's 'not ready', more that you've discovered the joy, peace and freedom that comes with being single and you don't actually want to let that go. And it's hard to wrap your head around that when we've been socially conditioned that being in a relationship is 'success'.

Same here OP. I don't think it's that we don't want to be in a relationship, I think it's just online dating is too forced for us and we prefer to get to know someone naturally, where attraction grows subtly without any pressure x

Why do you think something is wrong with you?

If you thought you wanted pudding, and ordered it, and then when it arrived it looked like puke, would you think something was wrong with you for suddenly thinking 'Ew! Maybe I don't want pudding after all!'?

There's nothing wrong with you. You've got good boundaries, and they're telling you that none of these men are for you. Respect your boundaries.

Abusive relationships happen when we experience something that's not good for us, and, instead of moving away from it (i.e. 'respecting our feelings'), we question why we don't like it, and we suspect ourselves of fault. That's why you stayed in an abusive relationship, and that's why you're having this response now. You feel like having boundaries is a fault. You can't say no without fearing being offensive. 'No thank you, I'd prefer not to' feels like issuing an insult.

Sort this out before dating, OP. There's nothing about you that's wrong. There's nothing that needs to change. And for as long as you see 'I don't like you/fancy you/want to meet up with you/video call you' as impolite and a potential fault in yourself, you will be vulnerable to more abuse.

Practice saying no. Your current situation is perfect. You are responsible for where you put yourself in life, and you know from experience that it's possible for us to put ourselves in some horrible situations. Use the dud blokes you're coming across as a training ground. Practice your boundaried, clear 'No.' Enjoy your boundaries, Revel in them. They will keep you from harm.

I feel like its marred any potential relationship I could have. I feel like I've wised up a lot having been in that awful relationship and its clouding my judgement of men. At the same time it's a blessing, I'm not young and naive like I was in my 20s, I'm a lot more discerning

This is really telling. You're saying that wising up and receiving the blessing you've received in not being naive anymore is spoiling things for you. And it is. It's spoiling all the potential in all the bad relationships you could have. It's filtering them out. But having a strong filter is really really good. You only need one man to get through, and he's going to have to be an awesome specimen to get through your net. You want an awesome specimen, don't you? Well, they're rare. Keep looking, but don't let any dross waste your time.

The thing is casual sex is easy to find for a woman, and unfortunately for men, dick is cheap so to speak. I get the impression Op had thought she was ready to date, to develop an emotional connection with someone.

I'm 8 months post partum, solo parent, and am curious how if at all dating would be possible for me. To see my reaction I created an account on tinder and had a look: I too don't seem to find anyone attractive, or mildly interesting enough to bother to chat. I can't believe 3 years ago I was able to put myself out there, chatting, meeting up with people, drinks etc. now I just see it as a really silly past-time. But I don't feel disparagingly hopeless like I used to. Maybe because I'm in a good place emotionally? I'm also trying to work out what value a man would add to my life others apart from complexity and complication? Maybe I just haven't met anyone who I'm excited about. And the chatting and all that seems like an awful lot of effort with little reward (remembering what OLD was like 3 years ago).

I totally understand. I feel like that too.

Wow I’m the exact same! Worked on myself for ages after my last terrible relationship ended where he treated me like crap! Thought I was in a good place to have a look. Signed up for online dating and within about a day thought oh no I can’t be arsed with this!
i just think I can’t get over that it’s so superficial. The last two relationships I had I met them in real life
i was thinking to myself that i probably would of swiped left on both of them based on photos etc! But in real life you make a connection and start to find someone really attractive!

I think part of the issue is that it's very hard to meet quality men on OLD. You want a genuine connection, and the majority of men online just want a hookup. It's like wanting kobe beef and heading to McDonalds.

If it's a connection you want, you'd be better off finding ways to meet men offline, with whom you can form a connection without the emphasis being on dating/sex.

Also, I don't know about you, but I very rarely fancy a man just by seeing his picture. I need to actually meet someone and get a sense of their vibe in person to know if I actually fancy them or not.

Agree with you @yellowsmileyface but where do you spontaneously meet new men? It's much more difficult past school, college and university. Where now looking back retrospectively there was so much free time to mingle without any real 'goal' in mind.

Most men in my department at work are married and settled, and the only single ones are in their 20s and just graduated from university! Pubs/bars/restaurants, people are out with their friends/family not on the look out for a hook up/relationship most likely. This has been discussed so many times and it's the same issue time and time again that people come across when it comes to meeting new people...not enough time as adults to just 'hang out ' and the lack of new , willing people to hang out with

I think that if you've not got a couple of hours each week/fortnight to dedicate to finding someone new, you're not ultimately going to be able to magic that time up to be able to develop a healthy relationship, either.

Doing short courses is a really good way to meet people with similar interests. You only have to commit to part of one evening, once a week, for a short amount of weeks. The shorter the course, the better, as you'll be able to move on to the next one quickly if you haven't met someone! You'll make friends, too, and develop an interest, and learn stuff. Get yourself a prospectus of adult courses from the local college.

I've met one through work, but many people refuse to look for partners at work, for very good reasons. Then I met one at a party, but it's the first party I've been to for about a million years, which is only partly down to covid.

I made a rule for myself that I wouldn't interrupt any of my usual activities (exercise and evening classes) for dating, and ad-hoc stuff with friends also come first. This means I don't have that much spare time for dating, but the ones who object to that and want me to spend whenever suits them with them aren't going to be worth any effort anyway. They need to show how they will enhance my life. I've got work if I want to add stress.

Don’t give up but continue to be choosy.

I am a OLD success story.

Im old enough to be a Gma & my chap (a Gpa) & I have been together 9 years.

I didn’t want a lonesome retirement & he was a reasonably new widower. We don’t live together & we have our ups & downs but it works great for us.

Summed up to perfection. I dont go out enough to actually neet people. My ex has the kids one night a week. My social life is bone dry. It's not gonna happen.

I had five years where I could not be arsed, and would still be single if I was relying on OLD. I met someone in real life at a hobby I do just before Christmas and we've been dating now for 4 months.

running/walking/dancing/social clubs. Loads on FB and Meetup.com

It is very difficult when your free time is limited! As others have suggested, is there perhaps a hobby or weekly class you could take up on the night you're free?