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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Social media. What's acceptable to you?

35 replies

greengrease · 28/07/2022 14:17

For context, I've trust issues that I'm working on from the past and he , partner of two years has given me no reason to doubt his commitment to me thus far.
What's acceptable to
You in sm these days?
Likes for female friends / colleague with no comments ok?
No previous dating history or attraction.

Just saw that partner has liked a post of a selfie of a very attractive colleague. No comments/ emojis etc , just. Simple
Like. Is that ok with you?

OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 28/07/2022 14:24

I don’t even think to check who he’s “liked” etc. you need to really work on yourself- this isn’t healthy.

Discovereads · 28/07/2022 14:26

I don’t monitor my DHs SM at all. That’s a bit too Big Brother for my taste.

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/07/2022 14:27

What is it about it that bothers or concerns you? Because she’s very attractive she’s more likely to interpret a “like” on her (presumably clothed) photo as a come on and invite him into bed?

Would it be inappropriate for him to smile and say hello to his colleague during the working day? Because it seems that’s exactly what a “like” is in this context.

DelurkingAJ · 28/07/2022 14:29

If I even noticed I wouldn’t blink. I frequently like male friends posts (including former colleagues).

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/07/2022 14:30

And your “trust issues” are yours to work on, preferably with a therapist. They aren’t his issues, and he isn’t responsible for the behaviour of whoever caused you to have the issues. Don’t make it that way.

MolliciousIntent · 28/07/2022 14:30

His behaviour is fine. Yours is unacceptable. If my partner was checking what I'd "liked" on social media I'd be having strong words.

OnceAnElephant · 28/07/2022 14:31

Not even friends with my DP on social media. I see him every day, so no need.

GeriTheBerry · 28/07/2022 14:31

Of course it's ok. I wouldn't dream of checking what he had liked. Sounds controlling.

ladydimitrescu · 28/07/2022 14:38

The fact you're checking what he likes is insane. What he's doing is absolutely fine, what you are doing is not.

dfv · 28/07/2022 14:41

So is he allowed to scroll through fb and only 'like' pictures of his ugly friends/colleagues?

Devotedcatslave · 28/07/2022 14:45

No idea what DH likes or comments on FB unless it pops up on mine. I think if you are policing what he is allowed to comment on you have a problem.

gingergato · 28/07/2022 14:47

It's fine for him to like/comment on friend's pictures.

It wouldn't even occur to me to look at what he's liking.

Chillypetal · 28/07/2022 14:47

OP - This level of social media scrutiny isn’t healthy for you nor him.

Original poster
greengrease · 28/07/2022 14:48

Thank you.
I'm clueless about social media and I wonder at times what is ok. My boundaries are skewed and I'm
Working hard on these awful trust issues I have. My husband had a full relationship on line with a colleague under my nose in sm which developed into a real life one and he left us abruptly one day. Three years on, I'm nearly healed but the world of sm Amd what's ok and what's not is something g I need to
Get
My head round.
This colleague started when he finished the job and they briefly chatted on a works night out so I couldnt understand the need to befriend one another on line when he left the company.

OP posts:
BeanieTeen · 28/07/2022 14:49

I think keeping such close tabs on what your other half is doing on SM is probably the dodgiest thing…

MichelleScarn · 28/07/2022 14:50

What do you use your SM for? What's behind your reasoning for 'liking' and commenting on people's posts.
How did you even know he did it? Did he show you or have you taken his phone and snooped?

Chillypetal · 28/07/2022 14:51

greengrease · 28/07/2022 14:48

Thank you.
I'm clueless about social media and I wonder at times what is ok. My boundaries are skewed and I'm
Working hard on these awful trust issues I have. My husband had a full relationship on line with a colleague under my nose in sm which developed into a real life one and he left us abruptly one day. Three years on, I'm nearly healed but the world of sm Amd what's ok and what's not is something g I need to
Get
My head round.
This colleague started when he finished the job and they briefly chatted on a works night out so I couldnt understand the need to befriend one another on line when he left the company.

how about noting other signs of cheating like:


  • hiding his phone

  • keeping his phone face down

  • mentionitis


🤗 you’ll get there in the end. Good luck OP!

rumplestiltskinp · 28/07/2022 14:55

I don't allow my husband to have social media. Not because I think he'll cheat, but because I find it sad.

D0lphine · 28/07/2022 14:57

I don't check / monitor / care about my OH social media.

MolliciousIntent · 28/07/2022 14:57

rumplestiltskinp · 28/07/2022 14:55

I don't allow my husband to have social media. Not because I think he'll cheat, but because I find it sad.

You don't allow your husband to have social media!? Do you hear yourself?

easyday · 28/07/2022 15:01

The fact you are even thinking of this means you have a long way to go with trust.
It never once occurred to me to even worry about this, let alone check!
A 'like' is totally fine. A 'you look so hot in that bikini 😜' is not.

Original poster
greengrease · 28/07/2022 15:02

Thanks.
Never hides his phone but has a cover on it so notifications can't be seen.
He leaves it lying around the house.
No mentionitis.
No face down.
I've never been in his phone as I've never needed to. I have my own all the time.
He shows me stuff on it as it
Comes in eh photos, posts etc.
No sign of me on sm as I'm not yet divorced and I don't want my husband or family to see what I'm up to with him. He respects this.
He has' in a relationship' as his status and often tags me and comments on my
Own posts so all his friends will see this.
I guess I have no reason to be worried so I ?
Bloody cheating and devious ex husband has destroyed my
Trust on myself.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/07/2022 15:05

MolliciousIntent · 28/07/2022 14:57

You don't allow your husband to have social media!? Do you hear yourself?

Show quote history

I think that post was meant to be tongue in cheek!

OP, would you find it less anxiety-making if you got rid of social media so you weren't tempted to monitor your DP's usage of it? I mean get rid of yours, he's free to keep his, but you just don't ever look.

If someone's going to cheat, they're going to cheat. Commenting on social media, messaging, leading up to an affair is just the modern method of flirting escalating from normal social interaction. Social media didn't cause the cheating, your ex did that all by himself.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 28/07/2022 15:06

Cross post - you don't have it so that's great. Just don't monitor what he's liking etc.

lickenchugget · 28/07/2022 15:07

I think if you’re looking at this, you’re already in trouble. Has he given you reason not to believe him? As if not, this is quite controlling