Recovering from trust betrayal

Tomatosoup11 · 2022-07-28T11:47:14+00:00

My husband was briefly sending (seemingly innocent) messages to a much younger woman behind my back. He admitted to me that he had met her while away alone, but not about the messages. He said he didn't occur to him it was problematic, and he only saw it as friendship, but that he was attracted to her. I have to trust him that nothing happened between them to move forward. He claims the messages were due to checking she got home safe and a shared hobby. I have probably been stupid, but I contacted her to clarify - no reply yet. Can anyone give me any advice for moving past this? It feels like I may have caught something before it may have ended up escalating. So I would prefer not to end a very long term relationship over this. But equally, it feels a bit like things will never be quite the same again at this point. I'm heartbroken. I'd really appreciate any thoughts from anyone who has been in a similar position and been able to move past it, at least on some level. Thanks in advance

dfv · 28/07/2022 12:56

Sorry to read this OP.

If something hasn't happened yet and the only reason it hasn't is because you caught it early then I'm not surprised you have doubts. It's not nice to think he would've cheated if you hadn't spotted something. Not going to be much trust going forward is there?

WarnerRow11 · 28/07/2022 12:57

Are you satisfied you know all the truth ?

Funkykitty · 28/07/2022 13:02

If hes attracted to her I’m afraid theres no way back. Her silence tells you all you need to know.

Original poster

Tomatosoup11 · 28/07/2022 13:03

dfv · 28/07/2022 12:56

Sorry to read this OP.

If something hasn't happened yet and the only reason it hasn't is because you caught it early then I'm not surprised you have doubts. It's not nice to think he would've cheated if you hadn't spotted something. Not going to be much trust going forward is there?

I think he's been quite naive. He seemed genuinely confused that I was upset initially. Said he only saw it as friendship, but it's not fair to message people you're attracted to behind your wife's back, even under the guise of friendship?

I feel like he must have been flattered if nothing else. I don't think he had intention to cheat. But he didn't initially seem to recognise it could head for a danger zone if he'd carried on down that path.

OP posts:

Pinkbonbon · 28/07/2022 13:04

It feels like theres q stage or two missing before you should be leaping to 'how do I get past this?'

I mean first you need to hear back from her.
And second, he needs to ask for forgiveness.
And third, he needs to earn back trust actively, over time. By proving he ahd changed.

I mean, if someone stabbed you, why would you be asking how to forgive them? Maybe if you find out it was an accident, they apologise - fine. IF you feel that's enough. But even then I'm sure it would take time to trust them again right?

But right now, someone has stabbed you and you're not even sure how deeply yet. Let alone if its an accident. Or even if they are sorry and never intend to repeat the behaviour.

Why are you putting the onus on yourself to forgive something and brush this under the carpet? It doesn't make sense.

It's all very well talking about not wanting to throw away a relationship. But what about throwing away your self respect?

Love for yourself is the most important thing.

Original poster

Tomatosoup11 · 28/07/2022 13:05

Funkykitty · 28/07/2022 13:02

If hes attracted to her I’m afraid theres no way back. Her silence tells you all you need to know.

I only messaged her a few hours ago. I'm still hoping she may reply. I was calm and made it clear I didn't blame her.

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Pinkbonbon · 28/07/2022 13:08

Basically- you don't forgive people until a. You know the full extent of what you're forgiving them for. B. They apologise (because they are genuinely sorry and not just to pacify you) and C. (IF you want to give them another chance) they have proved over time that they have changed.

It's not up to you to forgive its up to him to EARN forgiveness.

Original poster

Tomatosoup11 · 28/07/2022 13:08

Pinkbonbon · 28/07/2022 13:04

It feels like theres q stage or two missing before you should be leaping to 'how do I get past this?'

I mean first you need to hear back from her.
And second, he needs to ask for forgiveness.
And third, he needs to earn back trust actively, over time. By proving he ahd changed.

I mean, if someone stabbed you, why would you be asking how to forgive them? Maybe if you find out it was an accident, they apologise - fine. IF you feel that's enough. But even then I'm sure it would take time to trust them again right?

But right now, someone has stabbed you and you're not even sure how deeply yet. Let alone if its an accident. Or even if they are sorry and never intend to repeat the behaviour.

Why are you putting the onus on yourself to forgive something and brush this under the carpet? It doesn't make sense.

It's all very well talking about not wanting to throw away a relationship. But what about throwing away your self respect?

Love for yourself is the most important thing.

This made me cry, but you're completely right. Thank you. I suppose I'm trying to stick a plaster over it to get back to where we were before, but it doesn't work like that.

After initially seeming confused, he has since shown a great deal of remorse and is promising to do anything he can to make it up to me. He's deleted her messages, blocked her, and says he will never contact her again.

I don't think I loved myself very much even before this happened to be honest :(

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Pinkbonbon · 28/07/2022 13:20

It sounds like he is making these big gestures and appologies to almost, guilt you into feeling you have to forgive him?

Deleting her off social media after the fact means absolutely nothing, lets face it.

He met her alone and he fancies her and has yhe cheek to act like thats perfectly normal, acceptable behaviour for a married man. What a cunt. Even if that's 'all' there was to it, its rotten, scummy behaviour and oh, so to just supposed to forget he is a complete prick just because he's deleted her off social media.

Let's face it, he's only sorry he got caught.
He's also a liar. Only thing you can trust a liar to do is lie, unfortunately.

Maybe it's time to kick him aside and go find your self love. Because I don't think you'll ever find it with him. Sounds like he is the sort who is never happy with what he has. And that'll only ever make people around him feel like shit. When the truth is, he is the shit.

You deserve better.

Cheminaufaules · 28/07/2022 13:23

He's let his boundaries slip. It's too easy to say he let his boundaries slip because he enjoyed her company and found her attractive. He needs to dig deeper and figure out what he was hoping to achieve by having this secret friendship and why he felt that need, e.g. was he seeking validation from another woman because he's getting older.
He mentally placed you in the 'wife' box. He meets her at the hobby or wherever and has no thought of you while he's with her/messaging her because you're safely locked away in that box.
I'm glad for you that you've had the strength to confront him directly about this.

Original poster

Tomatosoup11 · 28/07/2022 13:23

Thank you for replying to me. It's such a horrid situation to be dealing with.

He did tell me, I didn't discover the messages. But he didn't volunteer the information, I had to ask him directly if he exchanged contact details with anyone (never thinking the answer would be yes)

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Original poster

Tomatosoup11 · 28/07/2022 13:27

Cheminaufaules · 28/07/2022 13:23

He's let his boundaries slip. It's too easy to say he let his boundaries slip because he enjoyed her company and found her attractive. He needs to dig deeper and figure out what he was hoping to achieve by having this secret friendship and why he felt that need, e.g. was he seeking validation from another woman because he's getting older.
He mentally placed you in the 'wife' box. He meets her at the hobby or wherever and has no thought of you while he's with her/messaging her because you're safely locked away in that box.
I'm glad for you that you've had the strength to confront him directly about this.

This is a bit I'm focusing on too. We've booked him in with a counsellor for a few weeks time.

It has been an incredibly rough time for us. My mum nearly died twice in a week, and then stayed with us for a while. I had blood tests that make it look like I may be infertile, and facing other health issues. And he's been hating his job and we've been struggling for money. But things were just starting to look better. And none of it was about our relationship, it was all external factors.

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alonglongshot · 28/07/2022 13:31

I read a similar thread a day or two ago with a near identical problem if you want to search that one add it may hold some good advice. Mind you, maybe that poster was you?!?

Original poster

Tomatosoup11 · 28/07/2022 13:36

alonglongshot · 28/07/2022 13:31

I read a similar thread a day or two ago with a near identical problem if you want to search that one add it may hold some good advice. Mind you, maybe that poster was you?!?

Probably, I've just name changed. Thank you for replying.

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Cheminaufaules · 28/07/2022 13:36

Sounds like a classic case of letting off steam on his part then @Tomatosoup11 and sorry that he has added to your distress. He's been selfish and stupid but maybe he doesn't have the skills to manage his stress in a more sensible way? I expect the counsellor will help with these techniques.

Sunnysideup · 28/07/2022 13:38

What do you mean “we have booked him in for a councillor” blokes away from home meets attractive woman he fancies, is in contact after, wife finds out, he lies through his teeth, it’s a story as old as the hills.

he’s over the side, no counselling is going to fix it, he’s not mentally ill. He’s just a cheat.

Original poster

Tomatosoup11 · 28/07/2022 13:45

Sunnysideup · 28/07/2022 13:38

What do you mean “we have booked him in for a councillor” blokes away from home meets attractive woman he fancies, is in contact after, wife finds out, he lies through his teeth, it’s a story as old as the hills.

he’s over the side, no counselling is going to fix it, he’s not mentally ill. He’s just a cheat.

You're not wrong. I told him it was like a Mumsnet cliche bingo card.

But I don't have any evidence that he's lied to me directly. He definitely left a very important part of the story out.

I've been suggesting he have counselling for ages, but it's actually booked now. He's been struggling just generally for a while, he tried to jump out of a moving car earlier this year.

Very much not an excuse. But it doesn't help.

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Pinkbonbon · 28/07/2022 13:45

I kinda think if there's a fundamental lack of respect for you then a councilor can't fix that.

I don't care how much stress I'm under, I don't pursue other men when I have a partner.

No councilor can fix a lack of moral fibre.

I get that you want to give thr benefit of the doubt of course if this is a one off. But it provably isn't wise.

Also, you say "we" arranged a councilor. Just be careful that this isn't just ypu trying to fix his mistakes. HE cheated (or at least, betrayed you) So what is HE doing to try to make things right?

Don't be manipulated into thinking this is a "we" issue. He fucked up.

Original poster

Tomatosoup11 · 28/07/2022 13:47

Cheminaufaules · 28/07/2022 13:36

Sounds like a classic case of letting off steam on his part then @Tomatosoup11 and sorry that he has added to your distress. He's been selfish and stupid but maybe he doesn't have the skills to manage his stress in a more sensible way? I expect the counsellor will help with these techniques.

I don't think he's ever really socialised with women at all before. He's not been in this situation. And I tried to warn him before he went, but he was adamant I didn't need to worry.

He's been stupid, selfish, thoughtless and foolish. But I don't think he has cheated on me or intended to cheat on me. Although I obviously can't completely rule it out.

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Original poster

Tomatosoup11 · 28/07/2022 14:01

Pinkbonbon · 28/07/2022 13:45

I kinda think if there's a fundamental lack of respect for you then a councilor can't fix that.

I don't care how much stress I'm under, I don't pursue other men when I have a partner.

No councilor can fix a lack of moral fibre.

I get that you want to give thr benefit of the doubt of course if this is a one off. But it provably isn't wise.

Also, you say "we" arranged a councilor. Just be careful that this isn't just ypu trying to fix his mistakes. HE cheated (or at least, betrayed you) So what is HE doing to try to make things right?

Don't be manipulated into thinking this is a "we" issue. He fucked up.

It's his fault. I'm trying not to see myself as lacking, but it is hard.

I helped him organise the counselling because he's had it open on his phone for months and has been scared about it.

Thank you for replying. There's an awful lot for me to process here. I never thought I'd find myself in this position. This is not the person I know.

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Sunnysideup · 28/07/2022 14:02

What do you consider cheating op? Is it just sex. So lying by omission, meeting women you fancy In secret, messaging them in secret etc is not cheating as far as you are concerned and yoire sure that night nothing happened nor did he wish it to or try?

I mean ok, sure, we all have our own boundaries, just I need to be honest, mine are way higher than this,

Pinkbonbon · 28/07/2022 14:06

Just be kind to yourself op.
Don't feel pressured into forgiving or forgetting because if you do that when to don't truly mean it , it'll just become this pushed-down, festering feeling of discontent.

If you want to give him a chance to make things right again then that's fine. But make sure you are doing it because you want to. Not out of obligation. And don't ever feel like he is 'owed' your forgiveness. Or like you have to rush it.

Priorities yourself and your own needs and listen to your feelings. And if you come come the conclusion that you cannot trust him or that he doesn't make you happy anymore, then thats enough to walk away.

Original poster

Tomatosoup11 · 28/07/2022 14:34

Sunnysideup · 28/07/2022 14:02

What do you consider cheating op? Is it just sex. So lying by omission, meeting women you fancy In secret, messaging them in secret etc is not cheating as far as you are concerned and yoire sure that night nothing happened nor did he wish it to or try?

I mean ok, sure, we all have our own boundaries, just I need to be honest, mine are way higher than this,

You're right, I should try and have a bit more respect for myself. But I was already in a completely vulnerable place. Nearly losing my mum twice in a month, finding out I'm probably infertile and my husband potentially cheating on me in one month has completely destroyed me. The only thing that made me feel even a tiny bit safe when my mum was in hospital was his arms around me. And I realised last night that I don't even have that any more. We've been together my whole adult life, 15 years. He's never given me any reason not to trust him until now.

They were at a festival, he was there alone. He told me as soon as he'd got home that he'd met her and that he'd rejected another woman that asked him to hook up randomly. Because our relationship has been based on complete honesty until now. The info about the messages came out half an hour later when I asked him directly, and he showed me immediately. There were only a few, because the event was last weekend, and it was Monday. From what I know of him, and looking him in the eye, he did seem to be genuinely baffled why I was worried about it initially. He seemed to think that because he felt he had no intentions, it wasn't a big deal? My feeling is that he was flattered and excited by the attention and didn't realise it was going into an alarm bell area. Stupid, naive but not intended to be malicious I don't think. The bit I don't completely believe is him saying that he wouldn't be with a girl that young even if he were single and we'd never met. She's in her early twenties and he's mid thirties.

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Original poster

Tomatosoup11 · 28/07/2022 14:36

Pinkbonbon · 28/07/2022 14:06

Just be kind to yourself op.
Don't feel pressured into forgiving or forgetting because if you do that when to don't truly mean it , it'll just become this pushed-down, festering feeling of discontent.

If you want to give him a chance to make things right again then that's fine. But make sure you are doing it because you want to. Not out of obligation. And don't ever feel like he is 'owed' your forgiveness. Or like you have to rush it.

Priorities yourself and your own needs and listen to your feelings. And if you come come the conclusion that you cannot trust him or that he doesn't make you happy anymore, then thats enough to walk away.

You're right, I think I'm trying to rush to fix this, and I need a bit of time. It's all too raw at the moment.

Thank you for looking out for me, I really appreciate it

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Sunnysideup · 28/07/2022 16:31

Oh op, he was at a festival alone and chatting up twenty year olds? You know he’s lying about not wishing to be with a woman that age.

I’m so sorry you’re going through what you are, and I’m so sorry this scum is making it so much harder for you.

you don’t need to twist youtselves into knots to pretend to believe him so it’s ok to stay, you can just stay, take your time, you don’t need to do anything.