Recovering from trust betrayal

[Tomatosoup11]

My husband was briefly sending (seemingly innocent) messages to a much younger woman behind my back. He admitted to me that he had met her while away alone, but not about the messages. He said he didn't occur to him it was problematic, and he only saw it as friendship, but that he was attracted to her. I have to trust him that nothing happened between them to move forward. He claims the messages were due to checking she got home safe and a shared hobby. I have probably been stupid, but I contacted her to clarify - no reply yet.

Can anyone give me any advice for moving past this? It feels like I may have caught something before it may have ended up escalating. So I would prefer not to end a very long term relationship over this. But equally, it feels a bit like things will never be quite the same again at this point. I'm heartbroken. I'd really appreciate any thoughts from anyone who has been in a similar position and been able to move past it, at least on some level.

Thanks in advance

My situation is quite similar and I am still struggling over a year later.

My husband was messaging a female colleague whilst she was going through a difficult patch but she ended up getting drunk and messaging him saying that she had feelings. He did rebuff her but continued to message her thinking they could just be friends. He just thought he was being friendly but was completely naive.

I was completely unaware of all the messaging as it was done in secret whilst he was working in the evening. One night I was up poorly and I could hear loads of notifications going off so looked.

I spoke to him about it and he really didn’t think he had done anything wrong …. In some ways he hadn’t but it was the secrecy and I still wonder know what would have happened if I hadn’t said anything.

I think what hurt most is like you I had gone through a difficult time as my dad had died a month earlier and I had felt unsupported by him during this time and through a lot of our marriage ( very career driven) but he seemed to have emotional energy to supply to her. I feel punished - at a time when I was trying to keep it together and concentrate on myself, he enjoyed having attention flung at him and probably would have continued had I not said something.

He is sorry but I just don’t feel the same about him and I can’t go back to how it was. He is trying but I still feel a bit broken.

I think I am just supposed to get over it as in his mind he didn’t do anything wrong but it all feels brushed under the carpet. According to him he is really happy in our marriage and only wants me but I can’t help thinking he doesn’t want to navel gaze in case he is at fault. I think I need to go to counselling to decide what I want. It’s such a small thing that has made me rethink my relationship.

Sorry to hijack but just wanted to let you know you are not alone and hopefully with counselling you can put the relationship back together and he will be less naive.

@TheStirrer - I'm so sorry to hear you've been in a similar situation. It's completely devastating, isn't it? I'm worried this is going to stay with me for a long time too. I've told him I don't think I'll ever be able to completely trust him again, and he seems to understand the enormity of that.

I've had counselling for other things in the past and I really would recommend it. There's no harm in getting yourself on the NHS list too, and seeing where things are at when your referral comes through. I hope things work out for you whatever you decide. It's a horrid situation that neither of us deserve to be facing.

I really appreciate you getting in touch, thank you.

@Sunnysideup - thank you. I appreciate you rooting for me. You're right, there's no reason why I can't just give everything a bit of time for now. This is going to stay with me for a long time.

OP, the way you describe your DH is like he is a confused, bumbling loveable rogue who honestly had 'no idea' his actions were not appropriate.

I'm sorry but I'm not buying that and neither should you. He is a fully grown man in his 30s. Of course he knew. He was flattered and enjoyed the attention and then didn't tell you about it until you asked. Leaving bits out is basically lying... he lied to you.

Playing the baffled fool who had no clue he shouldn't be exchanging details with this woman is actually ridiculous.

@TheStirrer I totally get how you feel. I have been there- you are absolutely right, even if you stay I don't think it feels the same. You always think of your relationship as special and un replaceable - and suddenly it all feels rather less special than it once did

I think he's been quite naive.

I would laugh at that if it wasn’t so tragic

I’m a little bit confused by the fact my reaction to this is so different to other posters. Man with no form whatsoever for cheating meets woman (in some capacity) at a festival which he was at alone (not with friends OP?). I’m sorry but festivals are full of people being super friendly with each other and a lot of it is completely innocent.

They exchange a few innocent messages with him checking she got home okay.. I don’t see any suggestion of meeting up.

OP I totally understand your concern about it but I would share your thoughts that perhaps he was just being naive. There’s definitely stuff to explore here with him - did he see it petering out naturally.. where did he see it going.. exactly what was the nature of their interaction at the festival?

But saying he’s a sure fire cheat and there’s no going back, as some posters have intimated..? I disagree.

One thing that stands out to me here is that you say this isn’t the man you know, never given you reason not to trust him before etc… and then you say he’s never really socialised with women before. So what you’re saying, without realising it, is that he betrayed you at his very first opportunity…

I have to trust him that nothing happened between them to move forward

and

it feels a bit like things will never be quite the same again at this point. I'm heartbroken

I can see why this is messing you up. You're saying totally contradictory things both in the same breath. This is called cognitive dissonance (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonance) and the reason you're doing it is because you refuse to believe that your partner is the man he has revealed himself to be.

But the fact is, you trusted him, and now you don't. And the question is, do you want to be in a long term relationship with a man you don't trust?