How long for a man to fall in love?

[Jumpking]

Chatting with a friend last night, she told me that she knew she loved her DP 6 months into the relationship, but only told him about 9 months in, as "he wasn't ready to hear it". When she did tell him, he didn't say it back. He said he really really liked her, and could see a future with her, but wasn't yet in love with her. He was sure it would come with time.

They're now 18 months in, and he still hasn't said it to her. She's not said I love you again, for fear of another knockback.

Both are divorced and out of 15yr+ relationships. They're good together. Everyone can see it.

She was trying to justify it last night by saying people fall in and out of love far too quickly these days but you could tell she thought he should be in love by now, and was wondering if he wasn't after 18 months, would he ever be.

I couldn't answer that one!

What are your thoughts MN? The male voice would be particularly welcome on this.

My DP said it within 6 weeks, we are live together with my kids, after 2 years and will marry in 18 months. Same as my first DH ( 16 years married). Tbf, I felt it too.

I would fund it odd in her shoes but maybe he shows her in other ways. What does she want otherwise and is she getting it

You can’t divide it into male/female as everyone is different
my boyfriend said it to me first after a few months - I didn’t say it back straight away

Who decides what we 'should' feel? Where are the guidelines?

Some people feel it immediately, some not for years. Nobody's right or wrong. What being 'in love' means differs from person to person anyway so it's really not something that's comparable between people.

How long is a piece of string? What's the best food? What's the best colour car?

It's not important how long it takes to feel/say something. It's important to be with someone compatible.

Does my opinion still count even though I don't have a penis?

They are way off living together. Both have very settled lives being sole carers to their teenagers in their separate houses and neither wants to put the teens under the stress of blending the families. They'll be living apart for a good few years.

I'd disagree.

If you don't feel loved, then why stay with someone? Compatibility is all very well, but those moments of overwhelming intensity towards another human are not things we should deny ourselves if we want them.

Compatibility is great for putting the bins out, but it doesn't make you want to squeeze someone so tightly that you never want to let go.

And of course your opinion still counts. You don't need a penis to be male these days. I've been around long enough to know that most males have a different outlook to most females on things of the heart, hence asking to hear their voice too.

Compatibility is all very well, but those moments of overwhelming intensity towards another human are not things we should deny ourselves if we want them

You can be compatible in terms of how and when you display emotion. If the other person doesn't feel what you wished they felt, or doesn't demonstrate that to you in a way that works for you, then you're not compatible in that respect.

If you've been around so long, I'd have thought you'd have realised that compatibility isn't solely about practical matters.

Took my now DH a year to say it. However I never asked him. Had I asked him earlier I think he would have said it. He was just not the most expressive type but his actions told me he loved me.
I don’t think I could stay with a guy who said that after being asked. After 6 months you should know one way or the other.

After a couple of weeks, although we had been friends for 6 years. It took me a little longer but I knew he was the one fairly early on.

As you get older, I think you would know earlier if someone was the one.

I remember reading Cosmo as a teenager (around 25 years ago now) and it said if your boyfriend didn't express his undying love at the 6 month mark he was stringing you along........
Whilst I don't necessarily agree with the writer of that particular article anymore I would definitely think 18 months was more than long enough for anyone to know if they loved someone, male or female.

It’ll never happen for them if he isn’t feeling it at this point. They’ll drift into friend zone, especially if their lives are so separate. It reminds me of women I know who stayed with men like this in their 30s as they didn’t want to start the biological clock again. Boom and the DPs found true love elsewhere and were married pretty quickly.

Maybe it’s a relationship of convenience for them both which is fine if both understand the rules.

I think you should definitely 'feel' it by 6 months. Depending on your upbringing / personality it may take longer to actually say it. 18 months would be too long for me, but then I wouldn't be able to hold back saying it to him - so I'd have my answer much sooner.

DH and I were engaged at about six months, happily married now for more than 20 years.

I think you can know early on. But beware of confusing the excitement of ‘being in love’ with feeling deep love that will last. Being in love is rocket fuel, but if it doesn’t ignite the second stage, the deep and lasting love, it just fizzles out after a while.

I would have thought you’d know in less than 18 months if you wanted to share your life with this person.

DH says he knew within the first few weeks.

It took dp about 18 months to say it but he said he had been hurt before and found it hard to say it / feel it. Reading about love languages, his was act of service so he was always doing things for me like washing up, shopping, making dinner.

It does sound weird, and if I was an objective observer to my situation I would probably tell me it’s never going to happen, but I did feel loved after about six months even if he didn’t say it.

Been with mine for 7 years and yet to hear him say it. Took me 6 months or so to gather the courage to say it

If he isn't in love with her by now then he never will be. However, it might be that he feels it and just hasn't said it. I'd be looking for other signs of deep connection and having a chat.

I think it's odd she's with him that long and he still hasn't said or felt it at 18 months still but if she's happy so be it!
I don't think men necessarily take longer to fall in love. My DH said it first at 3 or 4 months in and he isn't the sappy romantic whisper me sweet nothings type at all. He is very practical and stoic. He was sober when he said it and there was no event or trigger to make him rush and say it, like I wasn't about to leave the country or had a work opportunity abroad or a fight between us or an old flame showing up..none of that at all. I knew I would have never said it first... and I don't think I was in love with him at that point... I think it took me maybe 7-10 months to really feel it towards him.

If he can't let go and fall in love after 18 m he is probably emotionally stunted and that may be ok for some but for me, it probably wouldn't work

It didnt take my DP very long at all as we'd both known each other a while anyway and I felt the same. We are very happy together and tell each other all the time but our friends dont. Everyone is different.

She says he's spoken about his retirement before (20+ yrs away) and mentioned her as part of it.

She says she feels very loved and cared for when she's with him, although she couldn't expand on why. "He's just lovely" She said he treats her really well and is very kind to her.

I asked her if she thought he might just have trouble saying it, but that he feels it, and the reply was I don't know. He's a very private person and keeps lots of things to himself...even I know that much about him!

Referring back to the love languages mentioned earlier, it seems he's not one for words of affirmation. He encourages her when something has gone well for her, but she said the little "I fancy you" type comments are few and far between. She said he can't keep his hands off her and needs to be close whenever he can be, so I suspect he's more of a touch love language...

...If he is in love, but just not saying it!

She wants to hear it from him. I get that!

My dp told me after a few weeks and I said it back shortly after, when I could be sure I felt it and wasn't just saying it back for the sake of it.

We have now been together 3 years but won't live together for a while as I have my two teens at home.

A friend of mine has been with her bf for a year and they have just said it to each other...that was right for them as they have only been able to see each other for brief periods over that time due to kids.

It sounds very much like he does love her, if he’s physically affectionate and he encourages and supports her in life and makes reference to their long term future together.

It also sounds like he’s an incredibly private and understated person, not someone who throws around compliments or love declarations and that’s totally fine isn’t it. Assuming your friend is happy and comfortable with it. Although it does sound like she’s not totally sold on it.

Could I be with someone who didn’t tell me they love me? I don’t think so.
Although would I rather have a demonstrative, supportive partner who doesn’t say it over a useless turd who didn’t have my back but professed undying love regularly - yes.

The only thing she can do is ask him or tell him “You’re very important to me, I really enjoy our life together and although we don’t say it, I do love and care for you” and then hope he says it back.
If he can’t say it back then the decision is, how important are the words when you’ve got the actions?

Well, I was with someone for almost five years who told me at the end he'd never been in love with me, so I couldn't get my head around that!

How long is a piece of string? Everyone is so different and maybe he’s feeling it but just not articulating it.