Online Dating - when to sleep with them?

[ZiggysTarbrush]

Are there still OLD dedicated threads on MN? I can't find any as haven't been actively dating for a couple of years now.

I accidentally in a dark moment put together a new OLD profile then after a load of left swiping and reminding myself I'd vowed not to even look until April 2023 (various reasons) I ended up chatting with an interesting guy...

We'll be meeting for a first date or Date 0 as I think of it but as I reflect on my previous years of OLD realise I made some terrible mistakes - mainly hopping into bed with men who turned out to be very much not for me which was then tricky as I'd become attached or felt like a floozy.

So ideally when doing OLD in the best possible way how many dates and meet-ups would people say are good to do before things get into naked sleepover territory?

One friend says she's heard (YouTube advice giver) that ideally we should date multiple men and for a minimum of 6 months before getting jiggy.

Seems a long time but yet grown up, reserved and sticking to good high standards.

I'm 50 if it's of any relevance. Married for 20 years. Single for 5 now.

Hold off long enough to put the ones who are just after a quick shag off. So about a month I reckon. Although that won’t weed them all out.

When you want to? I won’t be sleeping with anyone on the first date personally but each to their own.

Yep. Sleep with them whenever feels right for you. Just don’t assume it means they want “a relationship” if you do.

Someone said on MN something along the lines of “if you can’t handle the thought of them walking away, ghosting, losing interest after DTD then don’t DTD”

On the other hand, at 50 you should have some good horny perimeno hormones going on so make the most of that. Who needs relationships anyway when pointless, meaningless shags on OLD are ten a penny. Scratch that itch for YOU.

I’m a similar age and, to be honest, I’m long enough in the tooth now to see right through the guys who are thinking with their dicks.

Just remember, you’re assessing their suitability for YOU, not assessing how you can adjust yourself to suit them.

Yes yes yes @DatingDinosaur assessing them (well 'him' rather than 'them' tbh as will not be doing further swiping if this one turns out to have any of the attributes that turn me off - let me remind myself of those now: awful teeth, narcissism, shallow fashionista, no asking Qs of me & my time spent until now etc).

This is all extremely previous on my part I know even asking the question having not even done a face to face but I like to get scenarios played out.

Is there an OLD thread these days on MN does anyone know?

Is this the one you were thinking of?

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4592256-dating-thread-321-summer-lovin

Hmm, gone there after 3 dates, then more recently after about 10 dates over 2 months. I don't think it made much difference really, in fact possibly a false sense of security with taking more time as it ended sooner than the others did as actually turned out to be less emotionally available - you just never know, it's a minefield. My advice would be to pay heed to their relationship history if they are open to divulging ( that tells you more). Red flags would be recently out of a very long term situation, previous infidelities, a lot of short term things and perhaps over-enthusiastc at the start - better to be guarded and ease your way in, though they should match the effort you are putting in - arranging dates etc.

There are no rules.

The simple answer is - when you're ready and you want to. That tends to be early on in the piece for me (2nd date for current relationship of 3+ years) because that first sexual encounter is about meeting MY own needs and curiosity. It's not a move in a game of chess nor am I worried about being viewed as a 'floozy' because misogynist pigs who think like that are best weeded out early anyway.

No rule book.

We online dated, slept together same night. Have a child, merged families, bought a house, getting married end of year 7 years on.

There were other people i spoke to for ages and wouldn't sleep with them after talking for months and months

Whenever you like??
For me, we shared a bed on the second date, had sex on the third, got engaged 6 months later.
Just to whatever feels right, there are no rules.

Believe them if they tell you who they are.
My male friend will tell women he isn't into anything serious. They date him to the one month mark then sleep with him. Then he breaks up. Yes of course I've taken him to task on it. Bottom line is: he tells them first. Then is happy to wait 🤢

No rules. Got it. Thanks all. That's good. I'll play it by ear but will try my best to not repeat previous wanton behaviour for my own sake.

Laughing at myself of previous years sleeping with them early 'to see if we are compatible' but when we clearly weren't (shit selfish sex or teeny impotent willies) not saying thanks but no thanks with head held high but continuing to see them for weeks/months after.

Interesting that my previous peri menopausal state had me in a state of permanent horniness the moment my crap sexless marriage died then fell of a cliff but now I'm on HRT the mere pictures of this one and the way he writes have got my poor neglected fanny revving up for action!

Erm, within about 10 minutes of first meeting in one case... God, that was a good afternoon! (Still seeing him from time to time.)

I'm not investing 6 months on someone just to find out they're crap in bed, especially as I'm 50 and I don't know what menopause might do to my libido in the future. Seems to be sending it sky-high currently, so I'm having a summer of promiscuity after a decade of near total abstinence. I am very good at wantonness.

There have also been some dates where I knew very quickly nothing would happen. (Yes George, there's a reason you've had so many bad dates, and without having met any of them, there's been one common factor in them all...)

So do what suits you.

Marriage.

I know that might give me a small pool of potential blokes though, esp. as I'm 45 and been around the block a few times.😂

Aren't you worried about getting to that point and discovering they're absolutely dreadful at it?

Place
Mark

Whenever you feel like it, I don't think waiting means they are going to stick around. Well not in my experience anyway

Definitely no set rules re timing. I’d probably err on the side of caution when you first start OLD until you get wise to potential red flags.

The only set rule I would have is to focus on your own safety. These men are essentially strangers. Public place for first several dates and dump anyone who doesn’t understand your safety requirements

I'd use the same reasons for sleeping with an OLD as I would for someone I met offline - sleep with them when you know for certain you have a lot more in common than just looking for a hook up/romance. When you discover shared deep interests, hobbies, beliefs, outlook on life, lifestyle etc - the things that strongly bond you beyond the physical. But I am pretty square and wouldn't be looking for any ONS.

If you are also looking for flings, then as soon as you feel certain he's a reasonaby nice man you fancy the pants off and won't be gutted if he drops out of your life afterwards

Another thing I cringe about from my initial few years of dating adventures is the lack of safety principles I had. So thanks @Rainbowqueeen for calling that out.

I'm not in the market for any further flings so as it currently stands if we end up discovering we have a mutual attraction, interests, sense of humour etc (and he's not a coke addict, racist, insolvent, angry man, crude oik <<< logging further red flags previously missed or ignored) I imagine we'd both welcome some earlyish sexual fumblings. Hard to resist if I recall.

Shame we can't meet for a few weeks yet. I've called a halt on texting as know only too well how wrong it is to form a penfriendship with a stranger then be devastated within moments of a first in-person meet how very un-right they are.

Thank you @DatingDinosaur that is the one! Lots of familiar names posting there. Looks like I'll have to find previous threads to work out where people are at...