One big mess

[Onebigmess]

I am so broken I don't know where to begin.
Will attempt to be conscise but probably fail.

Been with "DP" 5 years. 3 year old child together and one each from prior marriage. Living together 4 years, he's 20 years older.
He's always been nasty. I moved house alone at 8 months preg, left me alone after c section, basically wasn't there for first yr after baby was born as "you were breastfeeding, I couldn't do anything and babies are a woman's job"...I expressed from him being 3 days old. There's hundred more examples but I'll move forward.
Found out 2 months ago he'd cheated on me during the first 6 months of our relationship. Messages to 5 other women, he was going on holiday and setting up dates via online dating for when he arrived, I had an unexpected preg during the first 6 months and he was telling me we would make it work, arranging our kids to meet but dating and sleeping with other women. Asked a woman to come over his house with no knickers and I was 3 months preg at the time. Denied it all for about a week, despite all text evidence, then said we were in a relationship- despite me having all texts saying he was coming off all dating sites to get to know me (later said he did, all the women he was with were people he already knew), also have messages saying he was only sleeping with me, I was his gf etc. When I first found out about it,.I was upset and said I thought he was disgusting and dirty and I wanted nothing to do with him. I asked him to leave and he said "I was going to leave anyway, you're dangerous" I stopped making my cup of retea.to ask what he meant and he said I may stab him!! I've never been violent in any way or threatened violence. He left for 2 days and when I said I didn't want him back he said he wouldn't want to get onto bed with me incase I accuse him of something! I have never ever done anything like that. He's told his friends and family I'm mentally unwell with anger issues, yet he shouts at me and insults and belittles me.

Anyway he's constantly lied about the cheating, even said cheating when I was preg didn't really count as I had a miscarriage anyway. Then said I didn't have a proper miscarriage as I didn't even bleed (had a MMC and took tablets and he was there when I bled).
He's been vile. Constantly telling me it's all my issue, I'm insecure and mentally ill. Started saying I had anxiety disorder, then decided personality disorder and then bipolar. I absolutely do not have these conditions. If I shut up, do what he wants and have no opinion and don't mention anything then all is well. If I mention a lie he has told then I'm mentally unwell.

We went to a counsellor who asked to see me on my own and asked why I was with him, said his behaviour is abusive and she was angry with him saying I'm mentally ill because I'm not (just anxious due to relationship).

He lied about the cheating, said he was "ending past relationships" but none of the women were relationships from the messages. All were new women he was pursing for dates and sex. Offering petrol money for a woman to come over, begging a woman to unblock him because he really wanted to meet her (I was preg). The issue is that this was in the first 6 months of our relationship. He thinks I'm ridiculous and mentally ill for being upset. I think he's lied to me throughout our relationship and let our kids meet whilst having sex with other women. Plus treated me awful since.
In the first few months of our relationship he went abroad, the day after he arrived home was using his phone in front of me and POF.com/Spain appeared. Stupid but didn't mention it at the time as I'd just found out I was pregnant and we had only been together 4 months. When I later mentioned it, he spent the rest of our relationship telling me he was deleting the app, it's all in my head because I'm insecure and anxious.
I stupidly spoke with his last week because I wanted reassurance and asked if he could promise he had been faithful since the last message I found (6 months into our relationship). He went nuts, told me I was bullying him and abusive and that he was going to leave me of I didn't apologise. I know he may not have liked me asking but I wasn't rude or insulting. I've been called evil, mental, if I don't do better next week he will leave me (keeps threatening this). We were meant to go on a couples night out (first night out together in 3 years), he messed me around as I was due to leave the house to come and meet him. Said I was insane, he didn't want to look at my face and would not be around me until I resolved the issues. I asked if I was meeting him and he said he didn't think I should go and didn't want to see me. When I didn't reply, half hour later he said if I behaved myself, showed with affection and not hate then I could come. I've not been rude or shown him hate. I'm hurt.

He's told me I should be grateful and thanking him for paying our rent (he earns really good money and I'm on nurses pay) and apparently it's insignificant that I spend all my pay on bills and pay everything for our child. He says my job is nothing and insignificant and I do nothing anyway and his job is hard (works 10 hrs a week).
Things came to another head last night. His brother died recently and my "DP" is due a large sum of money, he said we'd buy a house once this money came through (he already has a lot saved). Obviously things aren't great at the moment so I don't expect us to buy right now. However he didn't tell me he had the money through weeks ago and a large sum for our son. I found out from another family member who asked "did he buy you something nice" but I had no idea. When I asked him, he said it's not a big deal, it's his money and his family is nothing to do with me, I'm not his family. That really hurt. He said we've been arguing, why should I discuss his finances. However my arguement is that you can't pick and choose what part of a relationship to be involved in. I look after our child, never get a lie in (was supposed to last Thurs but he refused and told me to fuck off), do every bit of house work and he expects sex. Yet closes me of from things he doesn't want me part of. I've reduced work to look after our child (yes I know. Stupid) and pay all bills bar the rent and I'm seen as insignificant. I asked if we could both do a life insurance policy when our son wa sborn because we aren't married and don't own a home and if something happens I'm effectively homeless. He said no and he'd do a Will...3 years ago. If I ever asked about it I was a money grabber, he's even asked if Im planning on killing him. He told me months ago he had done it, I asked to see a copy last night and he said "yes of course, it's just not signed" so he's lied to me again and doesn't see an issue. That fact I care is me being a miserable bitch and destroying our life. He's now said there is no rush and he isn't planning on dying soon!!!!

I feel him betraying and cheating has worked in his favour because he's now saying he can't marry me or buy a house with me because I'm destroying our relationship and always miserable. He's told everyone I'm mentally ill. I hate myself. Im insecure about myself, how I look, I'm broken. I feel nothing to him and I feel bullied. I'm not allowed to bring up the past as it's abusive and he keeps threatening to leave but never does. My life is a mess. Am I an absusive bully, do I expect too much. I don't know what's normal anymore.

Also, he found a previous post and was angry. So if you recognise some of this, please don't judge. I need some support but if I'm caught he'll be angry.

On one of your many, many previous threads you said he shouts at and is aggressive towards your eldest son and his total disinterest in your shared child.

You seem more mad that I mentioned status than in the fact you are allowing yours and your childrens' lives to be ruined! Where is your anger towards him??

You've been given so much kind advice over how ever many months/years and you just ignore all of it, what do you expect people to say to you?!

Ok op what do you need to help you leave .

If you tell me I'll help you . Where in the country are you ?

And I don't know how to see pms on the app -

Do you want confirmation that this meets the necessary threshold for abuse?

It seems like you feel refuges and support services are not for someone like you. Is this because he isn't physically abusing you?

Are you waiting until he hits you? This is insane. He is emotionally and financially abusive. That is enough.

Every single person on this thread is telling you this is not normal and to get out. Of course it will be hard but you seem fixated on the obstacles and not the end goal.

A refuge won't be nice but your life now isn't nice and at least with any other option there's a chance of improvement

@velvetpeach I do understand what you're saying, I just hate the thought that people think I stay in this situation because I'm after his money and live a life of luxury. Honestly, at the moment my eldest hardly sees him due to numerous reasons, although yes; I'm sure my unhappiness probably shows.

@stillvicarinatutu I'd need to know I can financially support my children more than anything, I'd need a home and rentals are basically non existent at the moment, even if I magically found some money. I'm in Wales.

@Calmdown14 yes, I feel I'd be taking advantage of a service for people in need. I feel I'd be considered ridiculous. It's also very, very hard to use a service like that when I have been repeatedly told I'm abusive and mentally ill. He tells me I'm pathetic and a bully.

There are things you can do op to get out of this situation besides moan about it on a forum you know ? Are you willing to try or is moaning bout it preferable?

@stillvicarinatutu I can try but with no money and nowhere to live I don't see what I can do.

they only let abused women in. Which you are. This is not the kind of life children should be brought up in. For your kids sake start moving.

You absolutely can claim benefits right now to get done money behind you. Apply for UC as a single person with the kids on the claim, and childcare on the claim.
Then, either get yourself on your current tenancy and claim the rent element (meanwhile kicking him out for good)
Or, alternatively start looking for a rental else where (or move in with family 2 hours away, till you have saved a rental deposit up using your UC) and then claim the rent element at that point with your new tenancy.
you can claim single so long as you get rid of him ASAP. Just explain to your work coach that the relationship has broken down due to his abuse of you.
Good luck, and get rid of him x

Op don't be an idiot. You are a person in need of a womens shelter. Your children should not be growing up in this environment. I can't quite believe you are saying you couldn't possibly move back home to your family because you have friends in this area. Are you mad? My children's needs would trump my own any day. Stop being selfish, making pathetic excuses and do what needs to be done for your children. I realise I am being harsh but as a child I spent many years powerlessly watching my mother in an abusive relationship and wishing she loved me enough to leave.

Excuse after excuse after excuse as to why you cant leave. stop posting on here and reading threads and spend the time actually doing something that makes a difference to your life but more importantly your childrens. You have consistently been given good advice and come up with reasons why you cant take it. so either re read what people are telling you and actually do something or stop whinging. You are an adult. you have responsibilities for other lives - your children. time to actually step up and do and stop moaning.

I moved to Ireland. I had to. Dont stay where u r for friends. They have their own lives and you need to create your own life. That starts with safety and then build from there. That includes friendships of course but you cannot stay in he'll under his roof because you have friends nearby.

You're not thinking clearly and how could you. You're being abused.

Either go to a refuge and let them help you. Or say a temporary goodbye to friends and go back to family.

Real friends want you to fix your life.

You're going to have to be brave and make that decision at some point. The alternative is too awful.

Make this decision soon. Xx

So you're not willing to try, for your kids if not for yourself?

If your friendships are strong enough to stop you moving back with family and if they hate him too then surely you can ask for help from them? Whether a loan for a flat deposit (you may find by downsizing the money you spend on bills now may go further in a smaller, cheaper property) or emotional support, why can't you ask your friends for help?

You don't seem at all motivated to make actual plans to leave, and even him cheating on you hasn't changed your mind, I don't know what possibly will? At least be honest about what you actually want, which it seems is for him to change and suddenly become loving and committed and entwining your financial situations further. That won't happen, it really won't. I'm not sure what you possibly expect people to say to you here.

In an ideal world what would help op ?

Everyone has explained what you can do.

Call womens aid.

Their purpose is to help abused women out of abusive relationships and get them and their children safe.

You are abused woman in an abusive relationship with children who are currently not safe.

They will support you in staying somewhere like a refuge temporarily.

At the refuge someone will help you with filling in forms for benefits as an emergency.

They will talk you through your options including whether or not you want to go to the police.

There is support available to you.

You have to be ready to take it.

I dont know what it's like in the uk but I went to the dept of social protection and filled in forms to get lone parent allowance. I also had the children's allowance. I lived with family to begin with. I needed to get back on my feet.

I needed to get my children away from an angry madman.

I had friends in the uk. Good friends. Good people. But it would have been a betrayal of my days best interests to stay, miserable and depleted just for friends who might move on.

To be honest, before I escaped, I had begun to feel a bit disconnected from my friends. Their lives weren't the mess mine was, and disguising that constantly was effort that made my "part" in the friendships a little inauthentic. Although nobody was shocked when I left.

Bloody auto correct! I mean it would have been a betrayal of my DC to put friendships before getting them to a safe, fresh start

Ps, everybody at the social welfare place was very nice to me. I had expected tuts and eye rolls but they could see I was a shell of a human being and they were kind. They can't fill in the forms for you as they are declarations but one woman member of staff took me in to a room and wrote down what I needed to do and fill in and provide.

I had been so used to x telling me I was worthless etc it was a shock to be treated with kindness.

My only regret it not leaving sooner.
Ok, goodnight op.

Hope you get out of this nightmare.

You have to get yrslf out of the nightmare though. Nobody can do it for you. We can all encourage you but you have to do it.

Firstly I need to clarify that "friends" are not the reason I would not move back to where I grew up. I listed it as one aspect because I have two very good friends who have been a great support but they would never be the reason I would stay.

My main reasons for not moving to whee my family are

• I grew up in a small village that is quite isolated, now rundown and the local schools aren't great.
• I wouldn't want to leave my job. It's one stable thing I have, although not on huge pay it's a professional job, I have a pension, great colleagues and it is fairly child friendly.
• my eldest would be 2 hours from dad, who is a good dad and see him regularly.

In terms of others helping me financially, my family have no money at all.

@Slimemonster thank you for the detailed response. I remember that I can claim as a single person but the issue is that this house is extortinate.
Rent, gas and electric, council tax and water alone £2100 a month. That's without food, fuel and all the other bits.
UC would absolutely not cover my bills, otherwise I would ask him to leave and take over the bills myself using UC. This would be the absolute ideal but it's not possible.

I did consider him leaving, claiming UC as a single person and then using that money to move somewhere cheaper but I can't even afford to pay the bills alone for one month in this house. Plus rentals are impossible to come by around here and no exaggeration. They are off the market immediately.
I honestly don't see how I will get a rental without any proof that I can afford it. My only option would be to claim UC before paying for a new property, but I can't afford to live here alone for a month even with UC.
Doe anyone know a way around any of the above? Because I'm honestly completely stuck.

When I separated from my ex husband I was in a similar situation. However, my ex husband wasn't a bastard. He actually acted as a guarantor and gave me some money for our separation early so I could pay 6 months rent upfront, it's the only reason I got a property and I feel stuck at the moment.

Your situation is exactly what women's refuges are for OP.

Everyone has explained that but you don't seem to be even remotely considering it?

It's a short term hardship for the long term wellbeing of your children. And you.

But not one you're willing to consider?

You could literally call woman's aid tomorrow to discuss options but again you don't seem to be even considering it?

You can either force your children to live with an abusive man for their entire childhood because you don't want the short term hardship or you can face the short term hardship for their long term wellbeing.

If your ex husband is kind and has been generous previously, maybe he would give or loan you some money in the short term?

After all one of your children is currently living with someone abusive.

If I recall correctly, your current partner and abuser is unkind to your older son who isn't his?

I assume his dad doesn't know that though?

Maybe it's time to be honest with him.

Clearly you are not abusive nor mentally ill. He says these things when you confront him about his cheating and his abhorrent treatment of you. He’s a toxic, vile and abusive person. The help is out there and you are absolutely entitled to approach women’s aid as you’re in an extremely abusive situation whether you can see that or not.

Surely you must see how atrocious this must be for your children, please put them first.

He's an abusive narcissist. You need to get rid.

He sounds vile and nasty

You need to go to your council housing place.
Tell them it's not safe for you and the kids to be there.
They will try to house you (even just temp housing for now) or at the very least you will be placed on the council housing register.
That will mean cheaper rent when a house does become available.
When you apply for uc, take out the biggest advance you can (once the kids are verified) that will mean you have a bit of cash behind you to help for a month till your uc payment comes in.
trying to stay near to your job isn't a bad idea either.
Do you get child benefit already?
If not, apply for both kids today that's £140ish a month.
Make sure you have your own separate bank account set up for these thing so he can't get to the money.