I am so broken I don't know where to begin.
Will attempt to be conscise but probably fail.
Been with "DP" 5 years. 3 year old child together and one each from prior marriage. Living together 4 years, he's 20 years older.
He's always been nasty. I moved house alone at 8 months preg, left me alone after c section, basically wasn't there for first yr after baby was born as "you were breastfeeding, I couldn't do anything and babies are a woman's job"...I expressed from him being 3 days old. There's hundred more examples but I'll move forward.
Found out 2 months ago he'd cheated on me during the first 6 months of our relationship. Messages to 5 other women, he was going on holiday and setting up dates via online dating for when he arrived, I had an unexpected preg during the first 6 months and he was telling me we would make it work, arranging our kids to meet but dating and sleeping with other women. Asked a woman to come over his house with no knickers and I was 3 months preg at the time. Denied it all for about a week, despite all text evidence, then said we were in a relationship- despite me having all texts saying he was coming off all dating sites to get to know me (later said he did, all the women he was with were people he already knew), also have messages saying he was only sleeping with me, I was his gf etc. When I first found out about it,.I was upset and said I thought he was disgusting and dirty and I wanted nothing to do with him. I asked him to leave and he said "I was going to leave anyway, you're dangerous" I stopped making my cup of retea.to ask what he meant and he said I may stab him!! I've never been violent in any way or threatened violence. He left for 2 days and when I said I didn't want him back he said he wouldn't want to get onto bed with me incase I accuse him of something! I have never ever done anything like that. He's told his friends and family I'm mentally unwell with anger issues, yet he shouts at me and insults and belittles me.
Anyway he's constantly lied about the cheating, even said cheating when I was preg didn't really count as I had a miscarriage anyway. Then said I didn't have a proper miscarriage as I didn't even bleed (had a MMC and took tablets and he was there when I bled).
He's been vile. Constantly telling me it's all my issue, I'm insecure and mentally ill. Started saying I had anxiety disorder, then decided personality disorder and then bipolar. I absolutely do not have these conditions. If I shut up, do what he wants and have no opinion and don't mention anything then all is well. If I mention a lie he has told then I'm mentally unwell.
We went to a counsellor who asked to see me on my own and asked why I was with him, said his behaviour is abusive and she was angry with him saying I'm mentally ill because I'm not (just anxious due to relationship).
He lied about the cheating, said he was "ending past relationships" but none of the women were relationships from the messages. All were new women he was pursing for dates and sex. Offering petrol money for a woman to come over, begging a woman to unblock him because he really wanted to meet her (I was preg). The issue is that this was in the first 6 months of our relationship. He thinks I'm ridiculous and mentally ill for being upset. I think he's lied to me throughout our relationship and let our kids meet whilst having sex with other women. Plus treated me awful since.
In the first few months of our relationship he went abroad, the day after he arrived home was using his phone in front of me and POF.com/Spain appeared. Stupid but didn't mention it at the time as I'd just found out I was pregnant and we had only been together 4 months. When I later mentioned it, he spent the rest of our relationship telling me he was deleting the app, it's all in my head because I'm insecure and anxious.
I stupidly spoke with his last week because I wanted reassurance and asked if he could promise he had been faithful since the last message I found (6 months into our relationship). He went nuts, told me I was bullying him and abusive and that he was going to leave me of I didn't apologise. I know he may not have liked me asking but I wasn't rude or insulting. I've been called evil, mental, if I don't do better next week he will leave me (keeps threatening this). We were meant to go on a couples night out (first night out together in 3 years), he messed me around as I was due to leave the house to come and meet him. Said I was insane, he didn't want to look at my face and would not be around me until I resolved the issues. I asked if I was meeting him and he said he didn't think I should go and didn't want to see me. When I didn't reply, half hour later he said if I behaved myself, showed with affection and not hate then I could come. I've not been rude or shown him hate. I'm hurt.
He's told me I should be grateful and thanking him for paying our rent (he earns really good money and I'm on nurses pay) and apparently it's insignificant that I spend all my pay on bills and pay everything for our child. He says my job is nothing and insignificant and I do nothing anyway and his job is hard (works 10 hrs a week).
Things came to another head last night. His brother died recently and my "DP" is due a large sum of money, he said we'd buy a house once this money came through (he already has a lot saved). Obviously things aren't great at the moment so I don't expect us to buy right now. However he didn't tell me he had the money through weeks ago and a large sum for our son. I found out from another family member who asked "did he buy you something nice" but I had no idea. When I asked him, he said it's not a big deal, it's his money and his family is nothing to do with me, I'm not his family. That really hurt. He said we've been arguing, why should I discuss his finances. However my arguement is that you can't pick and choose what part of a relationship to be involved in. I look after our child, never get a lie in (was supposed to last Thurs but he refused and told me to fuck off), do every bit of house work and he expects sex. Yet closes me of from things he doesn't want me part of. I've reduced work to look after our child (yes I know. Stupid) and pay all bills bar the rent and I'm seen as insignificant. I asked if we could both do a life insurance policy when our son wa sborn because we aren't married and don't own a home and if something happens I'm effectively homeless. He said no and he'd do a Will...3 years ago. If I ever asked about it I was a money grabber, he's even asked if Im planning on killing him. He told me months ago he had done it, I asked to see a copy last night and he said "yes of course, it's just not signed" so he's lied to me again and doesn't see an issue. That fact I care is me being a miserable bitch and destroying our life. He's now said there is no rush and he isn't planning on dying soon!!!!
I feel him betraying and cheating has worked in his favour because he's now saying he can't marry me or buy a house with me because I'm destroying our relationship and always miserable. He's told everyone I'm mentally ill. I hate myself. Im insecure about myself, how I look, I'm broken. I feel nothing to him and I feel bullied. I'm not allowed to bring up the past as it's abusive and he keeps threatening to leave but never does. My life is a mess. Am I an absusive bully, do I expect too much. I don't know what's normal anymore.
Also, he found a previous post and was angry. So if you recognise some of this, please don't judge. I need some support but if I'm caught he'll be angry.