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Relationships

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Original poster

Past relationship - has continued to message over the years

26 replies

ShedThirtySeven · 27/07/2022 09:12

Twenty years ago I had a very intense FWB situation. I was 4 years older and - without outright saying it - he didn’t want a relationship due to my age. Eventually he found a gf - and me - my now partner. I also moved away which was a bit of a relief - to put distance between us. However he’s continued to message me intermittently - generally when he is on a break/having relationship troubles. I’ve stupidly responded - but always tried to keep things brief/give a bit of support.
Also - he ended up moving to where I now live - and I’ve had the shock of seeing him when I’m out and about with my family.
I’m not sure why I’m posting really. The pain I went through 20 years ago was awful. I felt rejected/not good enough etc etc. I think I’ve messaged back for some sort of affirmation or to prove to myself that I was ok, and that I’ve achieved now without him.

But it won’t ‘go away’. I know I should never have responded to messages - except they are so infrequent. I had one two weeks ago (I haven’t replied).
And it’s the not knowing when I may bump into him…
I think I just want to know what this means. Why the hell does he still message occasionally and why the hell does it still send me into a spin. It’s stupid and pointless. And it fucks me off that he lives here - like I can’t bloody escape.

OP posts:

coolmaker · 27/07/2022 09:17

That sounds hard OP but Sounds like an ego boost to him tbh. He just wants to check in now and again to convince himself he could still have you of he wanted you - but he's not that interested in being with you once he knows you're still interested in him. Otherwise it would've be so intermittent. Sounds like game playing to me

ShandaLear · 27/07/2022 09:21

It’s an ego boost. He likes knowing he can reel you back in any time he wants to. Block him on everything and focus on your family. You’re wasting precious brain space by having this eejit floating around in it.

Original poster

ShedThirtySeven · 27/07/2022 09:33

Thanks for your responses. I’m not sure if he gets an ego boost from it though. 20 years ago - we were both desperate to have children/family as a life goal. He wanted 3 children, I was in a bit of a rush due to my age.

The way it’s turned out - I have two and a stable family life. He has one, and an unhappy relationship.
It feels more like some kind of horrible competition.
I don’t instigate any messaging. It comes from him, and I usually just end up saying something along the lines of - “I’m sure things will be ok”.

OP posts:

Jewel7 · 27/07/2022 09:34

I think he is probably a guy that messages a few women from his past. Makes him feel good. Maybe he has regret but it’s pointless keeping you hanging on. Makes him feel good? I have had a similar situation and from time to think of him. He also moved nearer to me and I bumped into him. I don’t know about you but for me there was a lack of closure. Sometimes I wonder if I need it/crave it. But blocking him is the sensible idea.

Original poster

ShedThirtySeven · 27/07/2022 09:40

Thanks @Jewel7
Yes - it’s definitely the lack of closure.

I guess for me - it was really, really heartbreaking to be in the FWB situation 20 years ago - knowing I wasn’t good enough, and that he was going on dates with other women - and then he found his then GF.
And for him - I can see he has a different life now to the one he wished for.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 27/07/2022 09:42

Honestly out of respect for your partner I think you should block him and pretend he doesn't exist.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2022 09:47

You have wasted so much emotional energy on this man, it's insane. Block him and move on. He doesn't have any bearing on your life whatsoever.

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 27/07/2022 09:52

Get some closure by sending him a message explaining why you don't wish to continue talking to him. Then block and move on

ManAboutTown · 27/07/2022 09:54

Just block him. I've found that it is usually better not to have any contact with former partners unless something like kids are involved.

There was one a long while ago that I saw a couple of times after (we lived in different countries) - for various reasons it never could have worked but it did mess with my head a bit and so stopped (this is before things like email and WhatsApp so easier).

Watchkeys · 27/07/2022 11:32

It feels more like some kind of horrible competition

Why? He's just a bloke who lives near you. The competition is something in your own head, as is the lack of closure.

coolmaker · 27/07/2022 12:40

It's hard to see why he would end something that was apparently so good due to a 4yr age gap?

I could understand if you were older to the extent kids were unlikely and he was set in kids, but the fact you went on to have 2 kids suggests this wasn't the issue?

Maybe he does regret it but I'd take that as karma, take it as a compliment and move on

LemonTT · 27/07/2022 12:55

I think you read too much into the FWB relationship. He saw you as a friend first and foremost. He continues to treat you like a friend just without the sex.

I assume you talked about a more serious relationship which is why he said you were too old. Tbh, I think he was reaching for a reason or explanation rather than just saying he doesn’t think of you that way. He saw you as a friend. He fancied you but didn’t have an emotional connection. Men are especially adept at separating these two things.

BigFatLiar · 27/07/2022 12:55

Who knows why he keeps in touch, perhaps its an ego boost, perhaps he just keeps in touch with people. Never really understood things like school reunions, I was glad to get out and didn't like any of them. OH keeps in touch with people he went to school with and people he went to uni with. We had a woman he knew from uni stay for a couple of days when she was over from the states for work. It was probably the first time they'd met in person for 20+years, she was nice and a bit odd, I could see why they got on.

AchatAVendre · 27/07/2022 14:22

4 years older is nonsense for ending a relationship, no well adjusted man would be bothered by it. He's probably one of those ones that no one woman is good enough for and is hoping for a bit of extra-marital sex. He probably finds it difficult to get as most women would tell him to take a running jump, so someone he has had sex with previously is an easier bet and he is trying open a dialogue with you.

Can't you just be rude to him and tell him to peck off? You don't have to be nice to him you know.

CPL593H · 27/07/2022 16:18

ShedThirtySeven · 27/07/2022 09:40

I'm guessing that it was heartbreaking because you were in love with him, TBH and that is the reason why you find contact with him so unsettling now, after 20 long years. I don't think there is a way of getting closure and the best thing would be to block him, especially as he is back in your area. Not healthy or wise to continue any contact when you still have an emotional sore spot there.

DragonflyNights · 27/07/2022 16:37

You’ve answered your own questions really. He still contacts you for a shoulder to cry on when he’s having relationship woes - like a friend would. He never felt more than FWB for you and you took that rejection very hard - so hard that you’re still holding onto it. You talk to him because you’re still searching for affirmation from him (and maybe, at some point, a declaration he did feel or has come to feel for you how you felt for him, however dim that possibility is).

I don’t think you want ‘closure’- I think you want to finally not feel rejected by him. But every ‘friendly’ conversation he starts with you compounds the rejection because he might be moaning about his partner but he’s not beating a path to your door - and you need to accept he never will.

My opinion FWIW - You need to accept you’ve never felt friendship for this man. You loved him and you’re still not over the fact he’s never loved you back the same way. You need to block and never speak to him again and stop compounding the rejection with contact.

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 27/07/2022 16:40

I'd agree with other PPs.

He's casting about because he's unhappy with his current situation.
It's much easier for him to discreetly try his luck with previous ex's than deal with it properly.

And bonus that you're also in a relationship - if you say no, he can convince himself that it's not because he's undesirable.

You're unlikely to get the closure you're looking for - he likely wasn't mature enough to realise what he had with you, and is still not honest enough with himself to acknowledge why he ended it.

I'd tell him to leave you alone, and sort his own shit out.

You're better than needing an explanation from someone as weak as that.

MMmomDD · 27/07/2022 16:44

OP - I think you created a story in your head 20 years ago and it still hurts you.
But if you look as an uninvolved observer - it’s not that complicated.
Years ago - you were more into him than he was into you. He saw you as a friend who he was attracted to. You fell for him.
4 year age difference had nothing to do with it - you chose to think of that as you needed a reason.
But people’s feelings don’t work this way.
It wasn’t about you not being good enough - he simply didn’t feel that way.

The reason he kept in touch is because for him you were primarily a friend, and continues to be that. I am guessing he didn’t know - and doesn’t realise how hurt you were then and how it affects you now.
Also - the competition you talk about is in your head.

If you want closure - you need to actually talk to him about the past. Given you haven’t been able to deal with it on your own - I don’t think just blocking him will make it better for you.
Try it another way?

Watchkeys · 27/07/2022 17:01

If you want closure - you need to actually talk to him about the past

No. Closure is something you give to yourself. The other person doesn't need to know anything about it.

Original poster

ShedThirtySeven · 27/07/2022 17:35

Thank you for all your responses.

At the time, there was a lot of confusion - he once said to try gf/bf - and we lasted a day because I had arranged to meet an ex and wouldn’t cancel.

There was once that he said ‘I love you’ on the train when I was half asleep. I woke up startled - and didn’t reply to him. He then stormed off the train.

I was late to have children, and ended up needing IVF treatment. I did - sort of - have an is it my age discussion to which he - sort of - nodded.

If I’m completely honest, he is the person I’ve had the most insane feelings about. But I think they were born out of the not knowing, the confusion/FWB situation.

I am too old for this, I don’t know why it keeps playing on my mind - and the responding to messages, however intermittent - has kept the wound open.

The poster who said about you give closure to yourself is right. I don’t get why I’m just not doing that/still giving it headspace.

OP posts:

MMmomDD · 28/07/2022 04:03

You can’t give closure to ourself. You can move on and ignore/forget the past. It’s different from closure though.

I had something similar to you, OP. Strong feelings, relationship that didn’t work out in my younger years. It sort of hurt me over the years when something reminded me of it. It kept not going away. I had kids and it felt like I finally managed to move on. But not really.
Then we did end up meeting as grown up adults and chatted about the past. It actually helped me understand what happened between us from his perspective - and THAT actually finally gave me closure. For years I was blaming myself for a lot of what went wrong. It helped to know his side .
Good luck with whatever path you chose.

Watchkeys · 28/07/2022 06:16

You can’t give closure to ourself

Closure is something you give to yourself. You don't need someone else to tell you that you have finished with a relationship. Understanding that the end of the relationship isn't your fault shouldn't be based on someone else explaining to you how you should feel about yourself. Self forgiveness shouldn't rest on someone else's explanation of events.

Getting closure via what the other party says gives permission to them to have power over your mindset. Full closure means recognising that your mindset is your own.

Obviously it's nice to end things amicably with full understanding, but if that doesn't happen, carrying around self blame for years and having to talk to your ex before you can let yourself off the hook isn't something to be recommended. It's a sign that a person isn't independent in the way they see themselves.

MMmomDD · 29/07/2022 07:13

@Watchkeys
I think we understand closure differently.
Or - maybe different people need different things to get to ‘closure’
And I don’t think it’s about giving other people power. I think it’s about perspective and better understanding.
For me - it was helpful to understand what my ex actually felt back in the day. And it wasn’t what I imagined when I was there in the time.

And that allowed me to get my closure. Which for me meant I felt free of regrets and it didn’t hurt anymore.

Could I have gotten my closure in a different way, without talking to my ex?
Not in the same way. Time does heal all wounds, eventually. So we do forget old hurts with time.

Watchkeys · 29/07/2022 10:26

Could I have gotten my closure in a different way, without talking to my ex?
Not in the same way. Time does heal all wounds, eventually. So we do forget old hurts with time

Yes, time does heal all wounds, and not in the same way, but by saying that, you're giving responsibility to time to heal you, rather than, at any point, acknowledging that we have the power to heal ourselves. We don't have to rely on our ex, or time, to get closure. I'm making this point to OP. I understand that you disagree, MMmomDD.

BeenthereGotTee · 29/07/2022 10:38

But I think they were born out of the not knowing, the confusion/FWB situation

Exactly this - the feast and famine. It fucks with your brain. BLOCK HIM TODAY. There is no resolution to be had as he is incapable of it.

He messages you when he is bored/sitting on the toilet/drunk/fed up/needing a boost and he gets that when you respond. People think "Oh yeah I am in charge, I will message when I feel like it" - no they are kidding themselves. Take control of your own life instead of letting some wanker into it every now and again. He's not bringing anything positive to you.

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