If you're a SAHP, how much is too much work for your partner to be doing?

[marshmallowsarenice]

Sorry for the essay - would appreciate sone honest opinions.
DH often says I focus too much on work on not enough on him/family. I am the sole earner. DH has been looking for work since January after some years of studying/being a SAHP but no luck yet.
Savings have dwindled and we really need more income. I do like to do well at work so definitely focus on it while I'm there. I was promoted in November and have been asked to apply for a further promotion which would mean more pay but a lot more responsibility and hours.
I am currently out of the house for work between 7am and 5.30pm Mon to Thu and home by 12.30pm on Fridays. I might do a couple of hours of work from home on a Sunday every couple of weeks. I will answer the odd email during the evening - confirmation that I will do something the next day - not full on replies. I have recently done a training course which meant working late one evening a week (I had the afternoon off to compensate) and about four hours every Sunday for two months. This is finished now. I sometimes travel for work doing an overnight stay about once a quarter.
Anyway DH says I'm obsessed with work and might as well go for the promotion because it's all I care about. 😐He gets very snipey if I talk about any problems I'm having at work. Success at work is important to me (and someone needs to be bringing some money in) but I also feel I have a lot of spare time especially compared to previous jobs I've done. DCs are teenagers so don't need much looking after. I do most of the cooking, about half of the general housework and all the driving.
If you're a SAHP, do I sound obsessed with work and am I working too much?

No I don't think you sound obsessed. Your work sounds important to you. It's most likely he's deflecting because he feels that he doesn't have anything outside of the home. With teenagers you don't need a SAHP. What's stopping him getting a job?

It has to work for both of you firstly. You both need to be happy with the set up.

Are you happy working these hours or would you work less if your DH had earnings coming in as well. You say career progression is important, is there anything that would make you want to work less.

Do you resent him for not working ?

I think a marriage is a partnership and what is a fine amount of family time for one marriage is not for the other, it's a personal thing.

I think if you are happy with the hours you work, they don't seem extreme, you gain back hours worked by taking afternoons off, courses are part and parcel of a career so come and go, and a few nights away is hardly that bad.

But again I'm not in your marriage, so without knowing more about it, and even then really, no one can say yes or no, only your DH and you.

It’s not about you working too much it’s about him not working enough. He’s resentful because you’re flying in your career and he can’t get out the starting blocks.

And please let's not turn this into the other many many SAHM threads in the last week, let's keep it to the point and not drift off into a SAHP vs working parent thread they are getting so tedious, you can't comment on the actual thread for all the rubbish being repeated.

Your hours seem pretty standard for a f/t job tbh.

I agree with pp about this being an imbalance problem rather than you working too much per se. It actually sounds like you have loads of free time. If you're truly fully present outside of work then I'm struggling to see the issue with that schedule, especially as your children are older.

Do you think your husband is envious of your work situation? Does he feel insecure and is taking it out on you rather than admit feelings of inadequacy (not that I'm saying he is or should feel inadequate)?

That's about as much as I work, though I do WFH. DH is a SAHP, we have a toddler and a baby, and he has never mentioned thinking I work too much. He's proud of what I've achieved.

I'm a sahm and I don't think you sound obsessed with work at all . My Dh works more hours than you do and I'm happy to listen to him if he wants to have a chat about what's going on at work I see no reason why he shouldn't.

I'm not a SAHP so can't comment from that perspective, but your hours sound about right for a lower / mid level job, and cushy if it's a more senior post.
I'd probably be pissed off doing half the house work and most of the cooking in your shoes though, what does your husband do with his time?

From his unhappiness it sounded like you had very young children and he was finding it difficult (the daily drudge). But it sounds like you do loss around the house.

I think he’s probably unfulfilled / unhappy at the moment and maybe taking it out on you. He maybe needs to find a way to get back some fulfilment, even if he can’t find a job.

@bluekostree Yes don't think he feels in a good place about his own work so he probably feels insecure if I do well. He's put himself in a tricky situation - overqualified for lots of things, lacking recent experience for others, doesn't drive - so it's taking ages to find anything. Also it's my fault because I don't help him enough as I'm too focused on my own work. 🙄Applications basically don't get written unless I do them. He got through to a digital interview stage last week, left it for the night as he wasn't prepared and then got a cold so hasn't completed the application. Haven't pushed it as he will just say he's ill.

@Thinkbiglittleone This thread is not intended to bash SAHPs at all. I'm asking for their perspective.

It sounds like you have a good work/life balance in your career.

To be honest that sounds a really reasonable amount of hours, and not excessive at all - In fact it's around average full time so unless you went part time you'd probably be hard pushed to do less. You could have better evening/weekend boundaries (e.g. do you really need to email to say you'll do it tomorrow?)

I understand that it may have seemed to eat into family time while you were doing your course, but that's over now

So no, I don't think you sound obsessed with work, it sounds far more like your husband is projecting his frustration about not being able to find a job himself

Your hours sound fine to me. I think your DH is feeling depressed about his lack of success in finding a job, and is taking it out on you.

So basically lazy then?

That sounds normal for f/t work for me, especially if you're working out of the home. I've never had a particularly long commute/early start so I would expect to be out 8 - 630, which is the same as you but with a later start. He's feeling a bit prickly isn't he?

Why are you doing most of the cooking and half of the housework? What is he doing every day between 9-3?

It's shocking that you do most of the cooking and half the housework and he still feels the need to moan about it.

He's coming across as a bit of a dick to be honest.

This was not aimed at you, some posters are turning any thread that mentions a SAHP in it, into a complete disaster of a thread, with no relevance to the thread. It was just a request for if they hounded on here.

It’s not you - it’s him. I am usually out 7.30am to 6pm and often do evenings of another 3-4 hours. Occasionally I have to use full weekends too. your dh is not supportive like mine who appreciates the need for money and the responsibilities it brings. I get great hols so we rebalance a bit then but my dh supports my work and my very active social life. How do you feel about him - am not sure why you are asking whether you are reasonable!

Oh come on. If he is not working why are you doing cooking and housework? If he got off his arse and got on with it like he should be doing you would have a lot more time for him/family things.
It's not like he's busy with babies or toddlers is it?

@myuterusistryingtokillme Don't think it's as simple as that. More depressed when rejected, anxious about the whole situation, a bit a clueless about what to do/how to words things so avoids the situation. Then there's me coming home saying 'Oh work want me to apply for this fancy job because they think I'm great!' (Didn't actually say it like that.) So I get that he probably feels a bit shit about the whole situation. Someone needs to work though.
To answer PP I would still work f/t if he got a job. We need the money and I enjoy what I do.

OP he doesn't sound in a great place at all.
Has he had any health problems, depression etc maybe

He needs to be sorting his own job applications out, he needs to be getting more motivated to resolve his own issues,

As a partnership, he should be proud of what you are achieving, you sound driven in your career but with a good work life balance, it's cruel of him to try and minimise that.

What was his role before a SAHD is he still interested in that field or will he need to retrain for something new?

For me, it was when the work was affecting his mental and physical health, and his relationship with his children.

I did all of the cooking, most of the shopping, childcare inside work hours (of course), and definitely all the cleaning.

We're a team. I worry about him - as a person, not a productive unit.