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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you're a SAHP, how much is too much work for your partner to be doing?

50 replies

marshmallowsarenice · 26/07/2022 18:57

Sorry for the essay - would appreciate sone honest opinions.
DH often says I focus too much on work on not enough on him/family. I am the sole earner. DH has been looking for work since January after some years of studying/being a SAHP but no luck yet.
Savings have dwindled and we really need more income. I do like to do well at work so definitely focus on it while I'm there. I was promoted in November and have been asked to apply for a further promotion which would mean more pay but a lot more responsibility and hours.
I am currently out of the house for work between 7am and 5.30pm Mon to Thu and home by 12.30pm on Fridays. I might do a couple of hours of work from home on a Sunday every couple of weeks. I will answer the odd email during the evening - confirmation that I will do something the next day - not full on replies. I have recently done a training course which meant working late one evening a week (I had the afternoon off to compensate) and about four hours every Sunday for two months. This is finished now. I sometimes travel for work doing an overnight stay about once a quarter.
Anyway DH says I'm obsessed with work and might as well go for the promotion because it's all I care about. 😐He gets very snipey if I talk about any problems I'm having at work. Success at work is important to me (and someone needs to be bringing some money in) but I also feel I have a lot of spare time especially compared to previous jobs I've done. DCs are teenagers so don't need much looking after. I do most of the cooking, about half of the general housework and all the driving.
If you're a SAHP, do I sound obsessed with work and am I working too much?

OP posts:

Ragwort · 26/07/2022 20:00

When I was a SAHM I wouldn't have dreamt of commenting on the hours my DH worked ... I absolutely knew I had by far the 'easier' lifestyle and my DH's hard work and long hours enabled me to have a very comfortable lifestyle (only one DC who was a very 'easy' baby / toddler ... and in nursery/school much of the time ). My DH had a lot of overseas travel as well.

Your DH sounds lazy and 'needy'.

mbosnz · 26/07/2022 20:02

Oh, and I think I'm a bit like your partner - overqualified, life didn't exactly go to my plan, my partner has excelled in his plan. . . it's hard not to feel a tad depressed, obscured, and underconfident.

girlmom21 · 26/07/2022 20:02

He's jealous.
You work very reasonable hours and are lucky to get the Friday finish.
Go for the promotion and ignore him.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 26/07/2022 20:04

So you bring in all the income, do most of the cooking, half the housework, his job applications and do all the driving.

And he….

Brings in no income, does a little bit of cooking, half the housework, no driving, can’t do his own job applications and takes care of the teenagers when they are not at school. He does, however, have plenty of time to be unpleasant to you.

If you had 18 month old triplets I’d be a lot more sympathetic to him but really - what is the point of him?

HarryBlaster · 26/07/2022 20:05

Ihaveoflate · 26/07/2022 19:28

I agree with pp about this being an imbalance problem rather than you working too much per se. It actually sounds like you have loads of free time. If you're truly fully present outside of work then I'm struggling to see the issue with that schedule, especially as your children are older.

Do you think your husband is envious of your work situation? Does he feel insecure and is taking it out on you rather than admit feelings of inadequacy (not that I'm saying he is or should feel inadequate)?

I think this too. I think your DH’s issue is actually with himself and he needs help and support getting back on the work front. Perhaps review what options there are. Studying at home, talk to previous bosses, ask friends for work. Hard to say too much as we’re not sure what he does.

Original poster

marshmallowsarenice · 26/07/2022 20:07

@Aconitum I quite enjoy cooking. Guess I do a fair bit of housework as a way of showing I'm pulling my weight and not focusing on work all the time. I often think if I were a man everyone would think I'm amazing! Probably not the most healthy way of looking at things. During the day he's meant to be looking for work and applying for jobs. In reality this turns into him saying 'I found this job it might be ok' and then waits for me to do the application with him. Also does all the ironing and washing on weekdays.

OP posts:

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 26/07/2022 20:09

I'm a sahm with younger children (4 and 7), dh works anywhere between 30 and 80 hours a week. He loves his job, gets lost in the details and can take time in lieu (I might be less understanding if it wasn't for that). He does work from home 3 days a week when he helps with preschool and school drop offs/pick ups but I do all of the cooking, most of the tidying and all of the paperwork.

I agree with previous posters, he sounds like he's down about his job prospects and is taking that out on you. As someone who is also overqualified for many things and lacking recent experience, it is scary but unless you forced him to stay at home, that's on him, not you.

Paq · 26/07/2022 20:10

He needs to pull his finger out. It's absolutely pathetic that he can't even be bothered to fill in his own job applications.

You sound great!

mbosnz · 26/07/2022 20:11

You fullahs need to sit down and have a talk. Part of my role, as I see it, as a SAHP (or unemployed person since the kids are in secondary) is to support my partner in their role. I accepted this role many years ago, he was always going to be the shining light careerwise. It was a pragmatic decision. Having said that, I take full responsibility for my lack of performance careerwise, outside of where it was impacted by issues outside my control.

It might (I dunno, I'm cutting him some slack here), be harder for a male? But when you accept the role, thems the breaks.

bakewellbride · 26/07/2022 20:13

" I do most of the cooking, about half of the general housework and all the driving."

Sounds like you do loads op - all that on top of earning all the money! Why is your husband a sahp just out of interest? If your kids are teens surely he could be working too?

bakewellbride · 26/07/2022 20:15

Sorry I just noticed he is job hunting. I still think you do more than enough though and deffo not 'work obsessed'. You sound driven and hard working which is different imo.

MamaWingsIt · 26/07/2022 20:17

I read that first post and thought "wow, what an amazing work ethic'"

Go you! You should be proud and your husband (dare I say it?!) sounds quite bitter/jealous that he isn't working/matching salary.

bakewellbride · 26/07/2022 20:21

I'm a sahm to 2 under 4 with no family support nearby. My dh works long hard hours in a stressful nhs role (he was up at 3:30 this morning for work and still not home yet) and I genuinely support all his career progress and encourage him to go for every opportunity he can. I hope this gives you some perspective! Dh is great with the kids and does loads when he is here. He values my contribution & The way things are works for us - I think the 2 way respect is crucial.

Your dh seems to be a bit of a baby tbh. I saw the bit about not filling in job applications independently. He should be supportive of your achievements and encouraging you, not trying to hold you back or complaining.

bakewellbride · 26/07/2022 20:23

Also if he's been job hunting since January then something clearly isn't working and he should be striving to change things up e.g. volunteering loads to improve his cv. January was ages ago!

Fladdermus · 26/07/2022 20:31

My DH leaves the house at 5.30 am and gets in at 7.30 pm Mon-Fri. He does bedtime, eats his tea and then works until bedtime. I think you're being extremely restrained in what you do.

Dery · 26/07/2022 21:19

No issue with your hours.

This: “Also if he's been job hunting since January then something clearly isn't working and he should be striving to change things up e.g. volunteering loads to improve his cv. January was ages ago!”

Mumoftwoinprimary · 26/07/2022 22:03

Dery · 26/07/2022 21:19

No issue with your hours.

I suspect that the problem with the jobs is that he doesn’t actually do many job applications as he is waiting for his —mummy— wife to do them for him!

greywinds · 27/07/2022 05:59

He needs to access support for those who are long term out of work from another source. It's not your hours, that's exactly the problem with long term being out of work, it can be confidence destroying.

ShandaLear · 27/07/2022 06:40

Your DH sounds like a cock lodger. He’s not actively looking for a job (of course he can get a job in 7 months. It’s nonsense that he can’t. It doesn’t need to be the dream job, but he really should have a job by now), he’s not pulling his weight at home, and he’s moaning at and trying to belittle you because you’re successful. I think he needs to hear that you’re frustrated with him, and that he needs to pull his weight.

Sunnysideup · 27/07/2022 07:10

Cmon op. No one is this blind, if the man wanted to work he’d be taking every opportunity, even when he had the cold and doing his own applications.

he doesn’t wish to work, but he’s also jealous of your career.

Ragwort · 27/07/2022 08:34

What does he do with his time? I don't think I could respect anyone who seemed so 'aimless' with their life ... my DH is recently retired so doesn't need to work for financial reasons but he is doing all the housework, cooking, shopping, gardening, car stuff, house admin etc (I work part time), he has found himself a couple of volunteer roles in the community and still has plenty of time for golf, cycling and 'hobbies' - I know it's a different situation but he is using his time constructively.

LemonTT · 27/07/2022 08:47

No you don’t work too hard. It’s normal working life with career progression.

The issue is that your husband has lost his way career wise. This has impacted on his self esteem and mental health. That’s where you need to lead the discussion.

He needs to see a dr about his mental health and what can be done to help him. These days it’s not going to be a straight to medication solution. Although that can be the kick start people need to engage with other options. Which includes referral to talking therapies, care coordinators and social prescribers.

As a start to rebuilding his self esteem he might be directed towards work as a volunteer or to restart hobbies, interests or exercise. He can be helped into training and looking for work. It’s staged progress but once people get going they thrive. Being at home all day with nothing to do is destroying him.

If he was my husband this is were I would go in the first instance.

MaChienEstUnDick · 27/07/2022 08:55

Having read your updates, I think two things need to happen.

First, some support for him, whether that's his uni career service, a bit of coaching, some counselling, some voluntary work - he's clearly lost all his confidence and something needs to change. I mean, I'd always get DH to proof-read a job application just in case, but it's my job to write them fgs!

Second a very firm, no-holds barred convo where you say I love you, I support you, I know you're going through a hard time, but when you say those things about me it really hurts. It's not true. It's making you seem petty and jealous - is that how you feel? Just as I support you, you need to support me or really what's the point of us? Get it all out there, mean it, set new boundaries.

Stag82 · 27/07/2022 08:57

It sounds like your DP is unhappy with his situation. Could be lack of confidence as opposed to laziness re: job applications.

I am very strict on work life balance and it sounds like your hours are reasonable - especially given the ages of your children.

Mardyface · 27/07/2022 08:59

I was a SAHM when my kids were small and your husband doesn't know he's fucking born.

I have some sympathy with him because he's obviously feeling a bit crap and it does feel a bit rubbish to see someone fly when you're firmly and grindingly on the ground. But he should find a way to fly himself not bring you down.

I don't think it's as easy to get back into work as some on this thread do though. Once you're out it's really soul destroying to send application after application and not get anywhere. There's also the feeling that you shouldn't enjoy your time because you ought to be working. But none of that is your fault and I think you need to be firm on that subject.

For reference my H was out of the house 8am to at least 7pm and often much later every day and I did all cooking, housework, childcare of 2 small children, and driving during the week and "half" which was never half at weekends.

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