When you never hear from an ex

[Thistooshallpass.]

We were together 7.5 years - very happy together albeit with the complications of ex spouses and children (none together ) . Had been thinking about moving in together .
Ended in February when he confessed to sleeping with someone I'd had my suspicions about . It was one incident of physical stuff but had obviously been building up to it which was what I had been picking up on .
I listened to his confession, asked some questions and then told him I didn't want to see him again as it was too painful and left.
I haven't seen him since . We've communicated three times through text on a couple of practical matters and that's it .
Everyone always says exs will come back / beg for forgiveness etc etc . I've not contacted him as he hurt me so badly and the only way to get through was no contact .
No mutual friends and neither of us do social media .
Find it hard knowing nothing and just radio silence after all that time .
It still hurts and I still miss him .
Just can't understand it in a way .

For all his faults he isn't nasty . He liked to think of himself as too nice .. and whilst he was nice and kind a lot of the "niceness" was actually weakness - he couldn't say no/ disliked confrontation.

I think there is some truth in this - he always said he admired my strength and knew I didn't let people treat me badly .
I think he was ashamed , guilty and regretful of what he did and would rather run away and hide than deal with it too much. In the past ( before me) he never dealt with pain and upset by processing it but usually looked for ways to move on to someone else to forget . Usually with predictably disappointing results .
Also he would think - I've broken this - it can't be fixed . Couldn't imagine the work of fixing it .
Plus he's very literal - so if I said I didn't want to see him then he'd take that as that I never wanted anything more to do with him .
As I said before emotionally immature which is not great !
This thread is proving very helpful - Thankyou to all who have posted with all your diverse opinions!

For all his faults he isn't nasty . He liked to think of himself as too nice .. and whilst he was nice and kind a lot of the "niceness" was actually weakness - he couldn't say no/ disliked confrontation.

Is it not nasty to cheat?

Have a read up on Mr Nice Guy - they spend a lot of time managing a “nice” persona in order to manipulate others to meet their own needs of admiration by others, avoiding healthy appropriate confrontation/negotiation in relationships - but this leaves them silently seething, resentful and contemptuous as they are unable to process or express anger.

This often comes out as passive aggressive acts, sometimes unconscious against the other - withdrawal, resistance, being dismissive, doing things badly, “forgetting” etc.

Basically they are not authentic or genuine to themselves or anyone else. The delusion and smugness of having to voice he was “too nice” possibly indicates the contrivance.

I wonder if there was a difficult / overbearing parent in his background?

In the past ( before me) he never dealt with pain and upset by processing it but usually looked for ways to move on to someone else to forget

He has done exactly the same this time.

There may well have been uncomfortable issues that he wasn’t able or willing to be open about so he took the cowards way out by being “nice” to your face whilst carrying on with another exit shag which is his pattern it seems.

No doubt he is deep in another relationship right now being “Mr Nice Guy” - yet again.

www.shortform.com/summary/no-more-mr-nice-guy-summary-robert-glover?gclid=Cj0KCQjwuaiXBhCCARIsAKZLt3k4A-68HnF-dxGmojB3pOxlOKjPAZqghYTjRfR0O-YtzWULZACA1k8aAjEnEALw_wcB

Have a read of this summary to see if it resonates.

DFOD... some excellent insights and yes a lot does resonate .
I used to think it was great that we hardly ever argued and he never ever got cross with me - but I see now that he probably couldn't voice it and probably seethed inside instead and never let me know if I had upset him . He couldn't communicate.
I think he probably resented me for taking my time to get to a point where I was ready to move in - he wanted it years ago but my priority was my children and their schooling and stability . He often complained of being lonely . Yet as it came nearer to being reality I think he panicked as there would be work involved to make it work .
He did think of himself as a victim and often would lament stuff that had happened to him - but couldn't connect that it was mostly through his own choices !
He had very low self esteem and loved it if anyone complimented him on anything .
I think i am pretty perceptive and could see these issues, maybe I enjoyed making his life so much better . He used to say it was the best relationship he had had and that I had shown him so much - but I probably had to lead it all and teach him
Not sounding much of a catch is he !!

@Thistooshallpass. agree with exactly what your written and it’s helped so much understanding how they can be. My ex was the same. Non argumentative, I found it odd but like you suspected he must have been biting his tongue. The sulking if something didn’t go his way got worse and worse. Only happy / interested towards the end if something was about him / benefited him..it took me a long time to spot this.
sad and a waste of time in ways..

Glad that the thread has offered you some insights and support too .
It's definitely interesting hearing other peoples take on it as you can get lost in your own head with it all . Also there's only so many times people in real life want to listen !