When you never hear from an ex

[Thistooshallpass.]

We were together 7.5 years - very happy together albeit with the complications of ex spouses and children (none together ) . Had been thinking about moving in together .
Ended in February when he confessed to sleeping with someone I'd had my suspicions about . It was one incident of physical stuff but had obviously been building up to it which was what I had been picking up on .
I listened to his confession, asked some questions and then told him I didn't want to see him again as it was too painful and left.
I haven't seen him since . We've communicated three times through text on a couple of practical matters and that's it .
Everyone always says exs will come back / beg for forgiveness etc etc . I've not contacted him as he hurt me so badly and the only way to get through was no contact .
No mutual friends and neither of us do social media .
Find it hard knowing nothing and just radio silence after all that time .
It still hurts and I still miss him .
Just can't understand it in a way .

What do you expect?

I was once asked to "give someone space" so she could "concentrate on herself".

I did just that. I was later criticised for not getting in touch and not "being there" for that person, in their hour of need.

Seems to me you are, dammed if you do and dammed if you don't.

As @GentlemanJay said..i was also asked that I gave my ex ‘alone time’ we were only 3m in by this point so I knew it was over. There was no reason for it, merely sulking due to something he didn’t like. But I respected his decision and left him to it. A week later after no chasing from me up he popped..surprised I hadn’t messaged him? You’re right..you can’t do right for wrong sometimes!!

Re the last two comments ... did you read the thread ?!
I wasn't sulking , asking for alone time !!!? he slept with someone else after nearly 8 years together and ruined the future we had . Wasn't a minor argument

@Thistooshallpass. sorry was responding to the above post. I don’t think for a minute you were sulking.. but telling him you never want to see him again is exactly what he’s done. Sad as it is it shows true colours.

Ah I see ..Thankyou
Just @GentlemanJay failing to see the situation and choosing to blame the woman ..

If someone asks me a simple question, then I do what they ask. I am not clever enough to second guess that actually, they mean something completely different.

One thing I have learnt from my own experience is this. Ask him. Ask her. Don't die wondering. Get the definite answer. If it's not what you want to hear you can move on.

That's what I should have done.

@Thistooshallpass. I wasn’t being funny..honestly I’ve been there and I know how tough it is. But @GentlemanJay is correct. Life is too short to be second guessing and playing games. I spent too long not asking and got strung along.
i guess maybe the way you see it is if it was the other way round you’d have tried and he hasn’t?
Do you feel there’s been no closure?

At the end I could have asked a simple question. "Are we done". It would have saved me months of over thinking. The problem was two fold. She told me to leave her alone. I didn't want to trouble her. Also I didn't want to hear the answer of "yes we are done"

Just ask him.

I get what you are saying .
Guess I just feel like he treated me appallingly and then never tried to either apologise properly or try and get me back - left me wondering why with no closure .
So rationally why should I contact a man who cheated and then didn't even have the strength to try and make it better . He's shown himself to be weak on all fronts . Pride and sense says I should stay away .
Heart is a different matter .

@Thistooshallpass. I’understand what you’re saying and totally sympathise.
It’s a horrible way to end things and you feel like you never mattered. Are you likely to bump into him ever again?

We don't live that far apart - but occupy different social networks etc . Haven't seen him even in passing in the last 6months so I guess not !

I know 100% how you feel - to go from having everything to nothing is such a weird place to be. I split with my DP at the end of last year after 9 years together and I’m still struggling 8 months later.

He behaved appallingly - not for the first time - and I told him to get out and that he’d never set foot in my house again. He took me at my word and then had the cheek to act like the aggrieved party because obviously his nasty words and aggression were just “who he is” but me “dismissing him” was the real crime.

We didn’t speak for months, until I accidentally butt dialled him, which opened up a can of worms, ended with us sleeping together one night, then him backing off and saying he didn’t want to get back together.

I literally begged and pleaded with him, but tbh I think he just liked the power of knowing that he could have me without actually having to make any changes to his attitude or behaviour.

I also feel like there’s unfinished business and regularly feel the urge to reach out again, as I know he’s missing out on so much by not being with me - I have this feeling that one day he’ll realise and then he’ll show up when I’ve moved on and disrupt things for me. It’s torture. But maybe he’s just accepted it better than I have and he’s moved on already?

It’s almost like he’s died - we saw each other several times a week, texted every day, went on holidays and trips together - that’s all gone, and it hurts, that massive gap that’s left. I know he felt it too, but he filled it with hobbies and friends and work, and his kids.

I know that the reality of getting back with him would have been more nasty arguments, name calling, him kicking things and storming off, it was toxic. But when it wasn’t it was magical. I’ve had to start taking anti depressants to deal with it (I can tell they’re working as I’m not crying while typing this!)

I also think that you need to get under a new one to get over an old one, but I’m not quite ready for that yet. I know if I meet someone new I’ll transfer my affections fully and deeply to a new partner. But for now I’ll just have to sit with it and keep pushing on for myself. I hope you’re able to do the same

Thankyou - it's a comfort in a weird way to know that you feel much the same way as I do .
Does feel unfinished. But maybe for him he's moved on and doesn't give it much thought !
I have fears sometimes that he will die or be in an accident and nothing will have been said or resolved and that would be it .
You sound like you are making progress though - so stay strong and keep going - I can see I'm already so much better than I was in the first 3 months so maybe time is the answer . Wishing you all good things

Thank you. You too. Time is definitely the answer.

@SteveHarringtonsChestHair agree with all you’ve written and feel the same.
I got ‘under one’ completely out of the blue months after but he was an absolute so has just made me realise how much the x meant. Although I’m highly unlikely to bump into him I’ve had some first dating reminders of late. Some people lots very hard to forget but it’s for the best deep down

Sorry to be blunt but do you not think you're giving him far too much headspace/emotional energy considering he cheated on you and blew your world apart? I'm generally regarded as being a soft, gentle kind of person but there's no way my pride would allow me to stay this emotionally invested in someone who had hurt and disrespected me this badly. He wasn't capable of being a loyal partner so you need to put him on your mental scrap heap, he's defective and of no use to you.

Hi op. In an ideal world what would you like?

For him to apologise properly?

For him to realise that he does absolutely love you and wants to be with you? Would you like that? Would you be able to trust him?

It hasn't been so long since you split up and your whole future changed. But him cheating on you is a big thing. I don't think people risk great relationships just for a shag.

He has shown he isn't the man for you in many ways. It'll take time for you to move on because he went from being perfect to this. You didnt have it building up for months and gradually falling out of love with him.

I agree . I'm generally a person of high standards and boundaries.
That's why in many ways I've done exactly what I should be doing - no contact at all .
But it is difficult to forget - especially when we were near to having what he'd always wanted ( the moving in and more life together).

Yes I'd like all of those things - I'd like to hear them so that I know it all mattered , that he has realised what he lost and how he ruined so much . I like to know he has suffered with the loss too .
Whether I could ever trust him again .. I'm not sure I could .

He knows he messed up. Be grateful he has left you in peace. If you took him back it wouldn’t be the same. It hurts but you will get through it in time. Maybe consider therapy.

I hate to sound harsh but if he wanted to rekindle do you not think he'd have said something by now?

In my (all too vast as a younger woman who was far too keen on love and a bit of a sap) experience, men tend not to sit at home and moon and dwell. They move on. Whilst we moon and mope.

It's time to tell your heart to get with the programme - you're worth more than hanging around waiting for someone who chose his cock over you and hasn't been seen since.

You're wasting life waiting for life to start.

My story is exactly like yours OP, he cheated once, regretted it and confess. I was devastated. We had a long talk where he explained why he’d done it. I realised he felt awful and regretted it. He was being honest. I forgave him and we decided never to talk about it. I didn’t loose my trust on him. We moved on and stayed together 5 more good years. Eventually we separated for totally unrelated reasons (I got a job abroad). I’m glad I gave him a second chance. The relationship was meant to be. My point is not every thing is black and white. Had he been seeing some else I would have never forgive him. It was a one night stand FFS. We’re humans and sometimes we mess up. I’m glad I didn’t break up the relationship for some stupid mistake. I gained more by staying so I would do it all over again.

I know from personal experience how painful this is.

7 years with so much potential and then with no warning nothing, complete silence. It’s torturous.

Only a lot more time will heal this and I think you will come to a point where you will see his character for what he really is.

All of that said, he’s either a complete coward or nasty/sinister to leave you like this without a proper apology or ask for your forgiveness.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s really tough.

In my experience, they do often come back but what I would add to some of the posts above is that if you are a strong character - and it sounds like you are - someone who really knows you will assume you wouldn’t tolerate any nonsense like that. And if they aren’t particularly bold, they’ll shy away from the possibility of conflict or rejection.

With two exceptions (and neither did anything bad to me), the ones who have come crawling back are people who have misjudged me and I think if I’d entertained them, they’d have just thought they could mess me around.