That ‘gut feeling’ - has it ever been wrong?

[ImRunningUpThatHill]

Just posted on another thread re ‘how people found out about their partners cheating’ and I mentioned the ‘gut feeling’ which I imagine many of us had before we started properly looking for clues.

My husband cheated early into our marriage and that ‘gut feeling’ was there. I forgave him and then many years later that gut feeling returned - it was never proven as cheating but his change in behaviour and massive disrespect for as enough for me to end an almost two decade marriage.

my question is, to anyone who has had the gut feeling about cheating - have you been wrong?

My gut has always proven to be right.

No, sadly I was right.

I now always trust my gut instinct

I didn't and lost everything

I had a boyfriend who had a "gut feeling" I had cheated. It ended in an argument that resulted in us breaking up. We got back together, but he couldn't get over his 'gut feeling' and we broke up again.

I've never even come close to cheating, with any partner.

I knew it in my gut something duplicitous was going on, I just knew he was up to something and almost caught him several times (online) but he lied to my face when confronted and there wasn’t enough to go on to really push it.

I only realised for sure by joining various dots together in a lockdown mental post-mortem of the relationship inspired from a couple of people’s accidental comments - it was like everything fell into place (the relationship ended for ostensibly other reasons).

Literally found out he was cheating today. I had a gut feeling. Only a boyf of about 5 months though.

My gut feeling is scarily accurate and never incorrect

Much to the amazement of on lookers who swear your 'overthinking'

OP I've never had the gut feeling. But I lived with a man who was convinced - wrongly- that I was cheating and it was a horrible experience. People can be wrong.

I have been right before but equally I've had a gut instincts where while something was amiss my personal ideas about what it was were wrong. Id always trust the instinct but I dont assume my conclusion is right without evidence

"Gut instinct" is bollocks a lot of the time.

Many people mistake using their brains to put two and two together for gut instinct. They'll reel off a laundry list of clues towards something but swear it's some mysterious instinct. Noticing your partner's change in behaviour or routine isn't gut instinct, it's just observation!

Unfortunately it's not so harmless because many people also mistake paranoia and jealousy for gut instinct. I've had (very short-lived) partners who did that to me, and I've seen friends drive themselves crazy because of "gut instinct" (for no reason as it turned out).

I had the gut feeling long before I found out he was cheating. Unfortunately I ignored it at the time but I wish I hadn’t.

Nope!

Also the "gut feeling" these men had was probably "guilt feeling" for being cheating bastards themselves

Nope!
and i was told i was making our lives 'difficult' by insisting i thought something fishy was going on!!

While I was working as a therapist, one of the oft-used phrases I would say to my clients (most of whom were female) was, "Trust yourself."

Intuition is a super-power; much undermined (often because it's a threat on several levels); and proves itself time and again.

Sorry to hear that @ScabbersChin 💐

I've always been a strong believer in 'trusting your gut' however, I do suffer with GAD & OCD (obsessional thinking!) and have done all my life. I can't therefore decipher whether my 'fears' are just fears or a gut feeling. I've asked most of the therapists I've been to over the years how to tell the difference, and none have ever been able to explain it to me. I've googled it to death too. The problem is my ex husband cheated, probably throughout our marriage but I never had concrete proof, not once. This has certainly jaded my thinking so it's easy for every thought that pops into my head to be either anxiety or a gut feeling, hard to know which, and even harder to live with that uncertainty, especially with the obsessional thinking, I can literally turn my mind over and over and over and never reach a conclusion I'm happy with

So after all that waffle I'd say trust your gut in that if something makes you uncomfortable, don't dismiss it out of hand, BUT use the feeling to investigate, pepper the thoughts with inserting facts and try to look at the situation objectively

I've had gut feelings turn out to be super incorrect, and also ones turn out to be completely accurate. Sadly I don't think it can be an exact science...

I agree with a PP 'gut instinct' isn't an instinct.

It's your mind observing subtle changes and putting two and two together.

But maybe your heart isn't ready to accept it yet, so you subconsciously pretend everything is fine.

Until you're faced with cold hard evidence. So really you knew all along, you just didn't want to face it.

@ImRunningUpThatHill
I think after 20 years of marriage - ending it because of ‘gut feeling’ Is more your mind playing tricks on you because it’s too scary to admit that you are simply not happy and want out.
It is a difficult step and maybe it’s easier for you to think you have a reason for it all.
But you don’t need a reason. It’s OK to want out.

The dynamic in your relationship may have chanced. You both may have checked out. Or got complacent.
There are many reasons for what you call your ‘gut feeling’.
In your place - I’d tell him that you aren’t happy with the relationship rather than accuse without evidence.

Every time I suspected I was right.

Yeh, mine is quite switched on, I have learned to pay attention to it.
I knew I was going to get dumped once because there was no x at the end of a whatsapp. next time we met up, got dumped! Don't care now, didn't care 72 hours afterwards, but at the time it was weird. I knew.

I don't believe in gut instinct - just you picking up on subtle changes.

Both times I was suspicious I was correct, but it was because of signs like mentionitis, going out to see friends to places they normally never go, nit picking with me over things they normally didn't care about, grooming more for work/friends. Both times I cottoned on before any thing physical happened, the first time I tried to ignore it because it was so subtle and I told myself I was being the paranoid jealous type (I wasn't) and I think but cannot confirm something happened.

I've promised myself to trust myself now - I'm not a paranoid person generally (very laid back in fact) so if I think somethings up then it probably is.

Yes. I had a lovely boyfriend when younger. He was close and affectionate with a female work friend when they socialised as a group. I had a gut feeling at the start that they were keen on each other. Liked him so said nothing, just watched and waited for a few weeks until I was certain and it was fine, just good friends. I realised he was like that with others.

I wasn't picking up on nothing. They did sit together quite a bit and things like that.

I think the key is to try and isolate what's causing this gut feeling, what subtle behaviours or changes, and see if you think they appear to be dodgy or there is a good explanation.

Mine isn’t to do with cheating, but my gut feeling has been spot on recently. For months I was anxious about my relationship and my partner kept reassuring me everything was perfect - I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Even my friends and family were telling me I was being silly.
Fast forward a few weeks and he told me he hasn’t been happy with me since January. Despite everything he’d said and done.