Annoyed with my mother

[Animalism]

Hi everyone, sorry, essay time!

I have a long history of my mother putting me down and saying insensitive thing. This has led to low self esteem. Things like criticising my weight and build as a young child but never adapting my diet from enormous portions, accusing me of trying to seduce married men, of being 'weird' for being introverted (this was a recurrent one), of being 'on the game' when I wore short shorts as a 21 year old, of being anorexic as a teenager when I tried to eat less but not actually finding out whether I was.

With boyfriends, there have been many comments over the years like 'what if he meets someone else?' (whilst at an event).

I am retraining in a career that is pretty hard to get into. She is always assuming I have failed assessments and 'assuring' me that it is ok to give up. I'm no prodigy but I am academically able and have done well professionally and at uni so I'm not sure why she thinks I need this assurance.

She's not a bad person but is very insensitive and thinks the worst of me a lot. This probably comes from her own insecurities. I have had to reassure her a lot over the years.

Anyway, I have had good relationships in the past but am mid 30s and trying to meet the right man for a family etc. I've had a lot of 'maybes' but not found the right one to settle with.

I have met someone new who seems nice and we have been on 5 dates now. We have a lot on common and really get on so far. He is always keen to see me again and has asked me out on 2 dates (lovely activities but not flash) and is not love bombing at all.

I saw my mother and some of her friends st the weekend. I don't see that much of her tbh. They asked about my love life and I showed them his OLD profile. The friends said he sounded nice and were pleased I am giving things a go with him. My mother's 'worried' face appeared. He looks 'too good to be true'. This means 'too good for me'. She thinks he will not turn out genuinely interested in me

He doesn't look Instagram- perfect or anything in his pics, just a nice-looking, slightly quirky bloke my age with a good job.

He may not turn out to be the right one. Fine. But this has made things feel a bit shit now. I am now am thinking things like 'why would he be interested in me?' and that she is right and must be onto something and I'm an idiot for thinking he would be into me, and that he will lose interest for all the things I have low self esteem about. This made me nervous on our last date and very aware of the things I don't like about myself, for instance I am not huge (size 12-14) but a couple of stone over my ideal weight due to some medication. My last boyfriend was both highly complimentary and put me down a lot (negging) and I am also thinking 'he must've been right too'.

TLDR: How do I forget what my mother has said and just enjoy getting to know this man, relaxing around him and seeing where it goes?

Have you considered some therapy to help you analyse and get past your mother’s awful treatment of you?

For your own sanity you need to change your interactions with your mother to reduce the opportunities she has to put you down. I wouldn't share much if anything about the things that matter to you, including your relationships and career.

You say you don't see her much...that's the first step, can you reduce even more? She's not good for you.

It's interesting that you focus on how you can change to forget what she has said. I appreciate that your mother would find it hard to change...but an old friend of mine once said that we will 'get the treatment we accept'. What would happen if next time your mum negged you, you had a strop and flounced, and did that the next time and the next time so that she knew she had to be on best behaviour to keep you happy?

You need to lower all contact with her going forward to zero sum. She has not changed since your childhood and this is who she really is. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. She has done you an awful lot of emotional harm.

Why do you describe your mother in this way, “she is not a bad person “. Well to others she is not but image is all
important to serial abusers like your mother. Those six words to me are a form of denial along with fear, obligation and guilt talking.

Would you tolerate this from a friend?. I would hope not and your mother is no different.

I would suggest therapy from a BACP registered therapist as well as raising your own boundaries. Your love life is now off limits to her and her acolytes. This will be hard as she has likely encouraged you not to have any boundaries and or put her first. Do also read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.

Is your dad in your life?. I ask only as he is not mentioned.

I would say op, definitely don't share as much with your mother and keep things like relationships under wraps until they are established.

Understandably, you have found things she has said to you in the past very hurtful, and it is very disappointing that she hasn't tried to change or moderate her behaviour when you have (presumably) pointed it out?

If she needs lots of reassurance then it sounds like she is anxious and the hurtful things she is saying are related to worry about you. She loves you but it comes across all wrong and very insensitively.

When she said your bf looks "too good to be true" you have interpreted this as "he's too good for you" when what she could be expressing is an underlying worry that "all men on dating sites are serial killers".

I have a tendency to worry about my own daughter and I have to stop myself from blurting out advice that she will interpret as "my mother doesn't trust or have confidence in me and my decisions".

Go ahead and enjoy your relationship op! Don't let your mothers comments put you off! Have faith in yourself, even though your mother doesnt. You need to step back from her and her comments a little and forge your own path! And get some support from a licensed psychologist to build on your self esteem. Good luck

Thank you both.

I have had therapy which was really useful. My therapist kept having to tell me to stop apologising for criticising my parents and saying they're not that bad! To be fair, they have their good points too, can be generous and kind but this criticism and disapproval has been a constant for a very long time and has had a big impact. I think the worst is my mother's insecurities. I have to regularly reassure her that she wasn't a terrible mother, about her poor background, whatever her current worry is. If I do push back, I end up apologising or she will explain how she didn't do anything wrong. There is little point arguing as gets defensive.

They're genuinely not terrible people, just very flawed. They've been reliable and provided everything we have needed. I don't believe this all comes from malice, I was just never good enough or the daughter they would have chosen.

My dad is around, they're still married but very distant and withdraws from my company pretty quickly, prefers being alone. I wouldn't really talk to him about anything personal. He was highly critical too as a child and teenager but less so as an adult, just doesn't talk to me much.

In terms of friends, I wouldn't put up with this negativity. I have a small- medium number of good friends rather than loads of acquaintances to have coffee with but it suits me.

Oh gosh sorry op, I have just re-read your post and seen the comments that your mother said about wearing shorts and seducing married men So sorry I had managed to miss that bit before I wrote my rep!y!

Obviously that changes things totally and you need to go NC or LC. This is not a healthy dynamic at all and sad though this is, you need to build an alternative network of friends and extended family around you, so you do not need to look to your mother for support.

I have a tendency to worry about my own daughter and I have to stop myself from blurting out advice that she will interpret as "my mother doesn't trust or have confidence in me and my decisions"

This resonated with me. Because my mother has several similarities with yours, I think it has made me more careful with adult DD. If anything, I go OTT to reassure her that she is beautiful and I am proud of her, as it's not something I got from my parents.

Image is all, as said above. My 'D'M loves to brag about my dodgy as feck BIL's famous contacts. My DH is twice the bloke BIL is, but doesn't have a brag-worthy job, which she is a bit sad about. Nor I, though in theory my Dsis is the black sheep, and not me, but she is slim and blonde, and I am not.

It's very sad, and it's taken me a long time to not let it hurt as much. I tend to challenge some of the statements she makes, if I have the energy, but some things are just dyed in the wool, and at 80, she isn't going to mellow much.

I think the only thing that worked for me, is age, and having a happyish life, and a mostly good DH.

Don't let her put the kibosh on your new relationship @Animalism . Have faith in your attributes!

X posts op!

You seem to have a lot of insight in to your situation and you are being very generous towards your parents I think.

Can you redirect some of that generosity towards yourself? Tell yourself that you are deserving of a loving relationship with a good man?

It is very hard to break childhood patterns of thinking and behaviours but can you try and see it it as being kind to yourself and your future children? By believing in yourself you are laying down good foundations for whatever future relationships may come your way and you are deliberately drawing a line between your old family dynamics and the ones you are choosing for yourself.

You mum sounds very much like mine OP. She always, always put me down, about anything and everything, I would never get a good job, never learn to drive, told me I was too old when I had my first child, I was 29!

I am NC with my mum and have been for many years. That won’t ever change. It’s destroys your confidence when you have a mum, that behaves like this. It’s just not the way you would treat someone that you love.

The deciding point was having my own children, I know I would never treat them so badly.

Do what’s right for you OP, you might want to reduce contact and see how that goes. I have to say being NC for me has been the best thing, no regrets whatsoever, but you might not want that or be ready for that.

Good luck, I have been in your shoes and I know how worthless it can make you feel.

Thanks limecoconutice and spongebob

I think a lot of it is from anxiety and worry. Her obsession with me getting pregnant as a teenager (I had one boyfriend and we were always careful) came from her own sisters getting pregnant and married young. It's annoying that she never takes any steps to manage this anxiety herself, rather relies on assurance but maybe she doesn't see it for what it is. Perhaps I need to suggest that. It's not good for her either.

Distancing myself as much as I can and having good friends who make me realise i am not that faulty or dysfunctional is invaluable.

You need to view your mother differently? How successful.has she been at life, is she actually in a position to make judgements about your career, education or love life? Is she very experienced at dating? Has she got an academic career? I suspect not in which case why on earth would you think that she knows best in these situations. She sounds like someone who has lived a sheltered life and is slightly out of her comfort zone when talking to you so she reverts to trying to give some 'motherly' advice but spectacularly misses the mark. Also she is not very nice if she puts you down so much. My mother can't pay me enough compliments, even when I don't believe they are merited.

They're genuinely not terrible people, just very flawed. They've been reliable and provided everything we have needed. I don't believe this all comes from malice, I was just never good enough or the daughter they would have chosen.

You are good enough. The only choice they ever had was to have sex and have a baby. If that wasn't good enough for them they shouldn't have had children.

Despite your therapist telling you to stop apologising for criticising your parents, you still do. You still make excuses for them, despite them emotionally mistreating you. They didn't provide you everything you needed because clearly they failed miserably on emotional support. No wonder you are second guessing whether people like you, or whether you are good enough for them.

I get on very well with my adult dc but they would never share pictures/ information with me on their online dating until they were well into the relationship. I would pull back and not give her information to throw back at you. Keep those things to yourself and share with friends. You know what she is like . Don't expect her to be any different so protect yourself.

It’s not your fault step back and don’t tell her anything she can criticise as she will always find a way , mine has managed 2 nice comments in the last 45 years and I was so shocked when she did them I think she must have been feeling ill

They're genuinely not terrible people, just very flawed. They've been reliable and provided everything we have needed. I don't believe this all comes from malice, I was just never good enough or the daughter they would have chosen

Can you have a look at these sentences and see a problem? Obviously you were good enough! It isn't the job of the child to be a particular way and everyone has value in themselves.

It is the job of the parent to provide unconditional love, support and kindness which sadly your parents didn't do.

With your therapy you sound as if you have come a long way to recognizing that your parents are flawed, why they have those flaws eg fear of teen pregnancy and that they did their best although it wasn't actually that good.

What you don't seem to have fully worked on is that you are a whole being who was perfect from the day you were born.

Your parents now are supposed to treat you as another adult, you aren't still a small child. You can choose what advice you listen to and what you tell them. You don't even have to tell them you are dating if it isn't going to be helpful.

I would ask her family about her childhood as it will stem from that and things that she sees as having gone wrong in her life. Also was she the picked on one of the sisters - so to her it's normal to criticise.
Then you can see it's really all about her issues and not about you at all.
I doubt you can change her now. Perhaps say if youre just going to criticise I don't want to hear it. And have less contact.

This resonates so much with me and I have currently reduced contact with my mother and I am putting in huge boundaries and no longer tolerating her nasty judgemental comments.

She also said utterly disgraceful things to me as a teenager. She called me disgusting names when I lost my virginity (to a long term boyfriend, all planned, careful, wanted, etc etc).
She accused me of "entertaining all the boys" when I trimmed my bikini line.

I am a mother of two, lots of friends, career I love....but her comments can reduce me to a child who doubts my worth.
Until now. She made a comment a few weeks ago and I told her it won't be happening again. It's hard. And my dad has also decided to not contact me because of it. But I'm not backing down.
I'm sorry you're experiencing this too Op.
I'm waiting for counseling.

I think you may still be in the FOG...looking from the outside in, your mother sounds absolutely controlling and toxic. that may spring from her own anxieties and experiences, but its not healthy for you. I think it may be time to step away, distance yourself and take some time to get the perspective of life and what she says about you and your choices that comes from a little distance. She may be your mother, but she is neither a positive influence in your life, or a healthy one. I would start by putting her on an information diet - dont be so forthcoming about your life, what you are doing, whya dn when - it just gives her an entry point to judge and criticise and shit all over your prospects and achievements before they really even have a chance to begin. Wishing you lots of luck, you sound lovely.

Thanks everyone for your insight.

I think there may be some truth in this. She had a responsible job etc which she had to qualify for, to be fair (more vocational than academic) but in a lot of ways is a bit stuck in the place and time she's from (perhaps many of us are to an extent). For instance, I was never really able to discuss careers with her when I was younger as she would just discourage me from jobs she didn't understand. My dad kind of shut down when I was a teenager and we hardly spoke.

She hasn't got much dating experience either, and if I'm honest I don't think she and my dad have much in common in terms of personality. Whilst they've had a long marriage and made it work, I would like to avoid a relationship like theirs in some ways as I would like a lot more affection and laughter.

Have you told the miserable hag to fuck off? Because I certainly would have by now. Your mother is cruel and horrible. You'd be a much happier person without her toxic bullshit clogging up your life.

OP,

Your mother is fairly ghastly and negative.

Help yourself and tell her nothing.

She is a critical person and ypu know this.

Why would you tell her anything that she can then put a downer on?

Help yourself, tell her nothing.

Google "grey rock" and "medium chill", and give her zero information to sour.

OP, I really think you need to stop telling your mum anything about your life. You know she is always going to have an opinion which will be negative and make you second guess yourself or feel terrible. Just stop sharing.

I think the idea about therapy is a good one. Some time to discuss this weird dynamic with a professional will help you figure a way forward.
Good luck!

"She's not a bad person but is very insensitive and thinks the worst of me a lot. This probably comes from her own insecurities. I have had to reassure her a lot over the years."

It's exactly this ^^ She is projecting her own insecurities and issues onto you sadly.

This

Definitely agree with the 'information diet'. It's a shame but there we are. It would have been nice to have a more open relationship with her.

The most annoying thing is that she has lamented to me over the years that I don't confide in her. Well, no. Because she says things like that as well as repeating EVERYTHING.