NC relatives that won’t accept it

[BiscoffSundae]

Has anyone gone NC with a relative who just won’t accept it? How have you dealt with it?

@Vincitveritas The OP’s sister is harassing her, the laws regarding harassment were enacted so the Police should take action. The OP is the victim and has every right not to be harassed, the reason for the NC are irrelevant.

Ok. So you haven't told them to stay away from you? You fell out, then asked relatives to pass on a message not to contact you?

I would tell them directly, pp suggestion of a letter is ideal. Clearly say that you don't want a relationship with them and to stop coming to your house or you will contact the police.

I needed some time NC from my mother 10 years ago after she did something really intrusive and upsetting. Made it clear why. She kept sending messages to say how unhappy she was and cards for any stupid occasion. After 3 months she messaged and said she was in my city, staying down the road, meaning it would've been a big thing to refuse to see them rather than just giving me space. Infuriating.

Then thats harassment. At which point you should treat accordingly.

I'm agog at some of the replies. Some people are determined to live in a false reality where no one is actually toxic and everything can be sorted with a chat and a cup of tea. It's one thing to think that naively for yourself but when you tell other people they should just forgive and forget you're also behaving abusively to someone who has already been abused. I suspect a few posters on here have been cut off by family and are angry about people asserting their right to decide who they spend time with.

At 12at night - do you think it's possible she was after coming back from the pub drunk ?

I agree about getting a ring doorbell.

The reasons why the OP chose to go no contact are irrelevant. A decision was made and the issue is that the person concerned is not respecting the OP's wishes and is actively harassing them.

Usually you cut contact with people because they are toxic/abusive/don't respect your boundaries so suggesting the OP should just have a chat with that person to sort things out is ludicrous. If this person was reasonable and able to have a mature discussion it is very likely the OP would not have had to cut them off in the first place...

So OP I am afraid your choice are limited now and you need to involve the authorities. Report this as harassment to the police. Or if you can afford it get a solicitor to draft and send a letter on your behalf stating that should the person continue to make contact with you in any way you will consider this to harassment and they will be reported to the police, so they get a final written warning from you that this is now a serious legal matter. The other option which I know would be disruptive for you is to move to a different location.

I am NC with my relatives. It was a bit easier for me as I live in a different country from them but I still had to change my phone number and block everyone's email and social media because my request of NC was not being respected. I cut everyone off to protect myself because of childhood abuse and because other relatives pretended I was not telling the truth when I finally disclosed it and the general fact that they brought nothing positive to my life. Being related to someone does not mean you need to keep them in your life or have to communicate with them.

Your disordered of thinking sister wants a response and writing her a letter will do just that, she knows she has you then. Also writing her a letter further opens up a line of communication and a door that should remain firmly closed.

I would therefore urge you not to write a letter and instead involve the police. I suppose you are reluctant to do this because it’s “family” but you would not surely tolerate this from a friend either. Your sister is no different.

Abuse is a bit strong. Thankfully I have a great relationship with my family so I understand that other people's experience may be very different. However, one person I know of who decided to go NC started the argument in the first place! Yes, sometimes all it takes is a chat and a cup of tea. Obviously not always, but I think it can be a case of someone being over sensitive and crossed wires.

Ignore this.

The police were very helpful and took it very seriously when someone harassed me. They weren't even doing it directly by that point, more threatening people who spoke to me to try and socially isolate me.

One of these people reported it on my behalf because I hadn't even realised it was happening. By then, I'd deleted most of the messages I'd had from this person and had about 6 to show them which weren't very bad.

The police thought they were bad enough.

Go to police, OP. I was once stalked by a former close friend who became obsessed with me, and it took a long time for me to escalate it because I knew she was unwell mentally and I didn't want to punish her for having psychosis. The result was that she kept doing more and more outrageous things to try and get a response from me - calling the police and telling them that I was at risk, with the result that they broke down my door for a 'welfare check'; turning up at my workplace at night (a residential special school) and feigning being non-verbal when colleagues asked what she was doing on the property, with the result that they brought her inside and gave her art supplies while they phoned social services; posting links to my social media on awful sites and encouraging strangers to troll me; hounding me with increasingly bizarre letters, and so on. I was only 22 and so out of my depth. Your sister wants a reaction from you and she won't stop until she gets one. Ignoring won't make the problem go away. She needs to understand that there will be consequences for repeatedly turning up at midnight, otherwise she'll just keep doing it.

You've had some great advice here OP (& some astonishing codswallop about olive branches, for someone who comes to your house, uninvited, late at night. I don't think so ...).

The one thing I would say is, if you're feeling guilty about going to the police it's actually possible that your relative might get access to the help she needs. If the police contact her and it's clear to them that she has MH problems, there will be some referral to GP or SServices. Yes they're overstretched but your relative might be able to access help (if they're willing to).

You can also contact the police before lodging a complaint who will give you good advice on any communications you have. I was told to send my stalker a cease and desist letter, so that all further communications were then legally and clearly harassment. I was also advised to tell school and neighbours so that any further incidents could be logged by them and myself and DC could get the protection we needed.

Good luck and I hope this nightmare ends soon

For me I moved home , that's probably not feasible for you, and changed my number. I blocked them off everything you probably have done this already. They have tried to add me on Facebook using fake names and sent nasty messages but I completely ignore and don't show any reaction. I don't really use
Facebook anymore so it's becoming less of a problem. The more distance you create the less they can hurt you.

Thanks all there is a few reasons why I didn’t want to get the police involved I worry it may escalate things and also yes I think she has MH problems but she is not diagnosed with anything but I strongly believe she does due to her erratic behaviour. She works in a field that if the police got involved it could affect her job and I worry this will escalate things as she will have “nothing to lose” her job is the only thing she has. She was at my door leaning against it it was very weird I can’t explain but like she was trying to look through the glass, her knocking woke my son up who said he was scared and now doesn’t feel safe, unfortunately moving isn’t an option I would love to move far away but we are in social housing so moving not an option.

We live 5 minutes drive from her which is the worst as it’s so easy for her to come here, just to clarify it has not been going on for 2 years we stopped speaking 2 years ago and I did tell her at the time not to contact me again and blocked her on everything, for the first year or so she left it alone however she did send Xmas and birthday presents to my children the first Xmas and birthday but I didn’t give them to them, she has only started turning up the last year, she has passed on messages through my dad which is why I’ve told him to tell her not to contact me as I have no details of hers anyway I don’t have her number anymore and I don’t use SM so she hasn’t contacted me on there.

Oh gosh that is so scary, people don’t understand how far these people can go and that there is a very good reason why someone doesn’t want to speak to them again. I agree she wants a reaction she does not like that I have left it well alone and she hasn’t got anything from me. I’ve moved on with my life she needs to do the same.

If handled correctly, her job may not be at risk. In fact some targeted support might be what she needs to keep the job

Have you a video bell?

If she was drunk did she drive to yours?
If she did, you should be reporting her.

I mean this kindly OP, but your child has been frightened by this, you need to take firm action.

If you don't you are putting her ahead of your own child.

Send the letter if you wish, but if she comes near your home again you need to do the right thing by your children, and involve the police.

The consequences will be on her.

Put your children first.
She shouldn't be allowed to frighten your children.

Perhaps call 101 for advice.