How has life turned into this? Need to get out.

[Yepnamechange]

I’ve name changed. I’m sorry but this is going to be long. Probably won’t make sense as I’m just typing away how I feel. First time speaking up about this, so apologies if i go on. I’m 41, and despite my age I have no idea how to sort my life out.
Got married at 23. DH couple of years older. Attraction was always there. Happy first few years. tried for baby at 28. Baby died (still birth) got pregnant again and lost second baby too. Been blessed with 4 healthy living children after the 2 still births. All were emergency c section babies as I develop pre-eclampsia around 5-6 months. My 9 year old child was very preterm, born very weak and had a long NICU stay, but he’s a fighter and made it home to us. However, as a result of these complications he now has severe autism.
My kids are 13, 9, 7 and 2 years old.
i work full time, he works part time and manages kids. He is great with DC. He doesn’t earn much, but my pay is enough to get us by. As he is on very little or sometimes no income, I don’t ask him to pay for anything. He looks after the DC and as we have a special needs child, he is basically his full time carer which is a hard enough job. He looks after the kids and is very good with helping with cooking cleaning and sorting the house out too.
Since having children my DH has been getting incredibly angry and abusive. First it was all verbal abuse and emotional blackmailing etc. we’ve always managed to patch things up and carry on for the sake of the kids.
For the last 2 years his verbal abuse is getting really bad, his words are soul destroying. During our last 3 arguments he’s hit me. Punched me on the head. Im an educated and smart woman, and know that this is not acceptable, but why can’t I do the right thing?
If I leave him, I won’t be able to work as I can’t deal with the kid’s school runs due to work. My 2 year old doesn’t even start school for another 2 years either. My mum won’t help as she’s just selfish that way. I would have no one to sort my children out. Even if someone was able to help with the DC, my special needs child would really struggle with a family member, as he is very difficult to control. Only me, Dh or a professional could meet his needs.
If I leave work to be with kids, I will lose my house as no one would pay the mortgage. I can’t move into my mum’s house with 4 kids.
I really need to leave him, as he’s destroying my soul. He is a horrible angry man and finds comfort in mentally abusing me.
please advise what I can do. What are my options with a special needs child and a 2 year old. I need to work to pay the mortgage, but I have no one to help with my kids. I can’t afford childcare for baby or pay anyone to take kids or collect kids from school. Even if I got a loan, I can’t find anyone to manage my special needs child. I can’t carry on like this. Either he will kill me or I will end up mentally not able to function anymore. I have severe depression as a result. I want to end my life, but don’t because of my special boy. I can’t leave him he would struggle in this cruel world.

A bloke that hits you isn't someone you need to be with or deserve (I'm a guy). Get out now and take the kids to family or a refuge.

You can work everything else out - the most critical thing here is domestic violence which is never ever acceptable

I'm so sorry. I have no answers but couldn't just pass by. Someone will be along shortly with advice but all I know is that you cannot stay. The physical abuse will only get worse and your children will see that as an example of how to treat a future spouse. I wish you the best of luck.

I’m so so sorry you’re going through this. Reading this has completely broken my heart. Especially about needing to be there for your special boy I totally get it my 5 year old boy is autistic and they need us!

first things first really is you need to get some advice, maybe phone your local womens refuge for domestic violence, they will help you and your children.

If you have no one to help with your children unfortunately you will have to quit your job, you won’t lose your house you will get help for that. Please don’t stay with him because of child care.

You need to get out for your childrens sake, you have been through so much already and I’m so sorry for your losses.

please make a few phone calls and get as much help and advice as you possible can.

Please keep us updated.

I also don't have a lot of advice other than, you have to leave... for the safety of yourself and childrens. Things will work out without him, please keep us updated. lots of love

Hi OP, I’m sure someone will be along with more advice but could you ring Women’s Aid to see what help is available if you left your home? Are you employed? I’m not sure how you could get him out of your home but is there an option to take sick leave from your job (assume paid full time for a number of months?) to allow you to pick up the childcare for a period of time?
call the police if you do not feel safe or he hits you again.

thanks ladies. I just need practical advice. Ideally I need support to remain in a job, that way I get to keep the house for myself and DC. If not, I need practical advice that if I quit work to be a full time carer and mum, how do I get us a roof over my head. I have 4 kids, one with special needs so can’t be waiting in a hostel etc as he is really difficult to manage. At the same time I know I can’t carry on with my DH. He really is getting out of control and I’m afraid he will hurt us in a way that we won’t be able to survive it.

Contact womens aid and maybe citizens advice to find out what you are entitled to. I would think you can get part of your childcare paid. I’m sorry you are going through this.

You just took the first step by writing this down here and sharing it with others.
Next step is getting advice as people suggested above. There is a solution, you just have to find it.

Sorry it sounds so tough.

Call women’s aid and other charities for advice. I’d hope there’d be some way to get childcare funded.

Had he texted you to apologise for hitting you as things like that should be kept as evidence.

I wish you all the best. 💐

Phone the council. They usually have a division that helps mothers relocate if suffering domestic violence. What that looks like in practical terms, however I don't know. But they can also give advise and sign post you to local services and charities that might help. In any case you need it on record somewhere so that if you have to move it is documented.

You should also inform the police, so that again, you have documented proof of what is happening.

I second phoning WA and CA also.

Social services might be able to provide extra help and support. But think carefully about getting them involved. Autism charities also might be worth approaching for advice.

Please also inform GP as you sound like you might need medical or counselling support and again, things are documented.

Bang on as many doors as you can to get support. So sorry you're in this situation. Us women really suffer.

Massive hugs!

This is not something I have detailed knowledge of, but I believe there is an online Universal Credit calculator that could help you figure out what help you might be entitled to.

Can you contact the police and log the abuse you've been subjected to. Check the Womens Aid website to see if they have information about the best way to do this. WA hopefully can also give some further practical advice, including how to get a court order to have him leave the marital home.

Some really good advice. Thank you. I can’t believe I’m a grown adult with 4 children and about to do this. Breaks my heart for my children as they live their dad. I should’ve actually left when the mental abuse started many years ago, but I really loved him. I still love him, but it’s hurting kids mental health now. I have to do this for their sake and for mine.

Call the police if he hits you again, they will take him out of your house, get the locks changed and if you prosecute you will get an injunction stopping him from contacting you until the court date. That's what I did, it was 20 odd years ago but that way I kept my house. Why should you uproot your kids when hes the asshole?

He needs to leave, get a paying job and give some additional financial support. I'm not justifying or excusing the abuse but could he also be severely depressed/frustrated due to his SAH role?

Are your children even safe around him? If abusive and violent to you, what about your children?

I'm so sorry OP, we women soldier on in hope but often it needs us to just recognise when we have reached the end of the line and bite the bullet.

Women's Aid should be able to help and please contact your GP services.

What a bastard.
First, call Women’s Aid, they will listen and be able to advise you.
Call the police. You can report him for past assaults but it will be your word against his. If he assaults you again call 999 immediately. Insist he is arrested.
Speak to a solicitor to get him banned from the house.
Then sick leave for a couple of weeks. Claim any and every benefit you can. Attendance allowance etc… ( sorry I’m really out of touch for benefits relating to children with disabilities)
Could you afford an Au Pair?
Could you offer free accommodation to a student who could help with the children?
I’m just trying to think outside the box, I think there’s always a way around problems , it’s just searching for the right answer.
You cannot go on living with this man. Please get help and start the ball rolling.

I would echo what everyone else has said about womens aid and the need to get out.

In terms of practical help what's your wage like? And your finances? With your kids ages and needs you need something like a nanny or ah pair, possibly with extra support too. The university near us has students training in special needs etc and they offer low cast babysitting etc to build skills and experience, they'll need help and training but can be mutually beneficial if they build a relationship with your dc and take the load off a bit. They would normally play with kids while you're in the house and can do chores rather than going off to work

Sending you all the love and strength, I left an abusive relationship without kids so have all the admiration for what you're doing. Keep posting here there's some amazing support on Mumsnet

OP ring the national DV helpline and get proper advice, they can link you to services in your area that will help you.

It's DLA for children, @Maytodecember

I think you need to speak to a lawyer. He's the resident parent so may have more rights over custody and because you've been paying for everything there may also be a chance that you need to continue to support him.

As PP have said, get any evidence you can of the abuse. Every time it happens call the police so it's documented.

You can (and should) absolutely get rid of him. The damage he's doing to you and your children is unacceptable.

As he stays at home, he is currently resident parent. You NEED to report him to police and SS so that you can leave and take the children with you.

If I get to keep my job, I make £3k minimum a month. A massive chunk of that goes on mortgage and bills. Fortunate to still have enough left for food/clothes spending etc. I’ve looked on the womens aid website and forums there. It looks like I would have to leave my home and go into a refuge for a while. And then housing will be found for me and the kids. I don’t want to be in a refuge or hostel with my kids especially not with my special needs child. Do you think there is anyway that I can sort out housing for us in advance and leave once it’s all ready for us? I could keep it a secret from DH and just escape once housing has been arranged. That way I don’t have to worry about coping with 4 kids in a refuge.
It makes me sad that il have to leave my job which I love. Other than my DC, it’s the only other thing that makes me feel valued and human and not feel like I’m just the shit on my DHs shoes. Makes me feel like my life isn’t such a flop as I am good at my role. However, I’m hopeful that even if I end up having to leave work to care for my DC I guess I can find work later once we are settled.

I’m sat here feeling so low. My whole body aches after our domestic that lasted for 2 whole days. I’ve got bruises all over my arms from where he kept holding me. My back is stiff and head thumping. He’s strolling around the house not giving a shit about how I am despite the fact that we’ve officially “made up” after the argument. He thinks everything’s fine again. This is the story of my life for the last 15 years. Everyone around us thinks we are such a happy and perfect couple. They all think the sun shines out of his axxx

Oh goodness, I'm so sorry you're going through this! I echo what everyone else is saying but could you also talk to your employer and explain the situation? Maybe they could give you a paid/unpaid leave of absence or allow you to work flexibly, E.g do the school run and then do some extra in the evenings when the kids are asleep? They might be very happy to be flexible!

But above all, do get urgent advice and see if you can get him out ASAP! Could you contact a solicitor tomorrow and see what your rights are?

Every single time he hits you, ring the police. Every single time.

if you quit your job, have no income & are carer for your DS, you will be entitled to enough financial help to stay in the house surely. Your horrible partner will have to get a job & pay maintenance too.

for yourself & for your children, get out of this situation, never look back & enjoy the rest of your life. Your children WILL be hugely affected by what he’s doing to you. Utterly despicable on so many levels.

Thank you for your positive words. I’m going to look into what benefits I will be entitled to. Never claimed any benefits before and I hope you are right that we may possibly get enough to get by if I end up leaving work.