How has life turned into this? Need to get out.

[Yepnamechange]

I’ve name changed. I’m sorry but this is going to be long. Probably won’t make sense as I’m just typing away how I feel. First time speaking up about this, so apologies if i go on. I’m 41, and despite my age I have no idea how to sort my life out.
Got married at 23. DH couple of years older. Attraction was always there. Happy first few years. tried for baby at 28. Baby died (still birth) got pregnant again and lost second baby too. Been blessed with 4 healthy living children after the 2 still births. All were emergency c section babies as I develop pre-eclampsia around 5-6 months. My 9 year old child was very preterm, born very weak and had a long NICU stay, but he’s a fighter and made it home to us. However, as a result of these complications he now has severe autism.
My kids are 13, 9, 7 and 2 years old.
i work full time, he works part time and manages kids. He is great with DC. He doesn’t earn much, but my pay is enough to get us by. As he is on very little or sometimes no income, I don’t ask him to pay for anything. He looks after the DC and as we have a special needs child, he is basically his full time carer which is a hard enough job. He looks after the kids and is very good with helping with cooking cleaning and sorting the house out too.
Since having children my DH has been getting incredibly angry and abusive. First it was all verbal abuse and emotional blackmailing etc. we’ve always managed to patch things up and carry on for the sake of the kids.
For the last 2 years his verbal abuse is getting really bad, his words are soul destroying. During our last 3 arguments he’s hit me. Punched me on the head. Im an educated and smart woman, and know that this is not acceptable, but why can’t I do the right thing?
If I leave him, I won’t be able to work as I can’t deal with the kid’s school runs due to work. My 2 year old doesn’t even start school for another 2 years either. My mum won’t help as she’s just selfish that way. I would have no one to sort my children out. Even if someone was able to help with the DC, my special needs child would really struggle with a family member, as he is very difficult to control. Only me, Dh or a professional could meet his needs.
If I leave work to be with kids, I will lose my house as no one would pay the mortgage. I can’t move into my mum’s house with 4 kids.
I really need to leave him, as he’s destroying my soul. He is a horrible angry man and finds comfort in mentally abusing me.
please advise what I can do. What are my options with a special needs child and a 2 year old. I need to work to pay the mortgage, but I have no one to help with my kids. I can’t afford childcare for baby or pay anyone to take kids or collect kids from school. Even if I got a loan, I can’t find anyone to manage my special needs child. I can’t carry on like this. Either he will kill me or I will end up mentally not able to function anymore. I have severe depression as a result. I want to end my life, but don’t because of my special boy. I can’t leave him he would struggle in this cruel world.

I would make contact with the police first, there will be someone in your local constabulary who deals with domestic abuse. Make a formal statement, document all the violence, and get yourself on their records as a vulnerable person. The most dangerous time will be trying to leave him, so you need to be ready to act if he becomes violent. The police need to know what's happening and you have to have someone who can help and call them to get there quick if he kicks off. Also as PP have said, the DV needs to be on record or he will claim he is the resident parent and you have to leave the kids with him and move out.

On the childcare aspect an au pair might be a good option. Can you get benefits for your special needs child that could help with care? Offer a live in position to someone in exchange for childcare?

Definitely speak to your employer, they may let you take some unpaid time off, or career break for a while, or allow you to work from home, or reduce hours.
Maybe if you can't get enough benefits to live on, call the mortgage company to extend the term/ go interest only for a period to reduce the monthly payments.

You don’t always have to go Into a refuse particularly due to the ages of the children and sen ( I went straight into a house but it took 7 months )
go on line To your local council and do a homeless application it says are you due to be made homeless within the next six weeks
say yes
And they will contact you and do a referral to the domestic violence team who see you through the process and liaise with housing etc
However you are in immediate danger so the process may be slightly different but speak to tjem
and do a police report ASAP
he needs arresting
asshole
message me if you went to chat or I can help

Refuge obvs *

Definitely agree witn speaking to someone in women's aid or local domestic advice service. Report to the police and evidence everything with them.

Are you certain he is not doing anything to the kids?

Does your ALN child attend a specialist school? Is there anyone there you could talk to? I agree with PP, you need to speak to the police and you need to speak to a lawyer. Would it be possible for your husband to continue with child care if you split up or do you not want that? Could you sell up and get a mortgage on a smaller property? I'm sorry OP you're in a dreadful situation but you do need to get out. I have a child with ASD. I know how tricky that can be.

Definitely speak to your employer, you never know how supportive they might be. I wish you the best of luck with it all.

Can you take some sick leave from your job to get some time to sort yourself out. Then you need facts and figures, see a lawyer, check benefits, check local housing stock for rental,
/contact housing matters/council and see what your options actually are.

Can you transfers via work to a different location? Worth asking

This must be so hard for you. You sound like a very strong woman and what a bastard he is.
Are you in the UK have you looked at universal credit? They will pay your rent and nursery fees if you are working.. there is a calculator online.
I hope someone comes along to give better advice.
I was in a similar situation with just one child and I know how hard it is to get out. But once your out - your out! And you'll feel empowered!
If you have good credit and money is the only thing stopping you from leaving then take out the loan, a big fat one. Tomorrow is another day and you'll thank yourself for it in the long run.

Sorry your in this position

This is reassuring to read. Hoping I can get transferred into a house too and avoid the refuge. My sen child would not cope and tbh he’s the main reason I’ve never even thought about leaving DH. I would like to you up on the offer to pm you. Really appreciate this.

Yes I’m in the U.K. I will check out universal credit online. Like I said in my op, I’m clueless as to where to start with claiming any benefits as I’ve always worked all my life. I will check it out now.

Yes he goes to a special school, but as I’m always at work or his father that loaded with the teachers there. I know they are helpful though and if needs be I will contact them to see what support I can get for my DC.

I'm so sorry your going through this. He sounds nasty. You've been given good advice, another option is to perhaps go part time if you get benefits and find a really good childminder or live in nanny. I hope it all works out for you. X

He’s a really good dad. He’s been the main parent ever since they were born. He has never hurt them.
It’s the future I worry about. He has verbally abused me for 15 years. Only in the last 2 years has he become physically abusive. It’s not a full on beating, but he shakes me by my arms, pushes me, throws me to the floor and he’s punched me 1-2 times in the head each time we’ve had a domestic in the last 2 years. This has only been happening recently. So I worry he’s getting worse and maybe next time it will be one of the DC too.

Darling good dadsdo t hit the mother of their children.

I'm a police officer.

My advice would always be report the dv . And it is dv - domestic violence. He has no right to hit you !

Police could help you relocate . They can work with social services and council. Please don't be helpless. Talk to the police .

Can you report him to the police, tell them you're afraid and ask them to remove him from your home and to put an order in place to keep him away?

It would be a massive shame if you had to leave work completely. Is there no room for part time hours?

I agree that you need to leave. He is escalating. It only gets worse. I mean that. Please be safe. X

Hi OP, firstly really sorry this is happening. You and your children deserve a happy life.

Secondly, I'd call citizens advice ASAP as they can advise over what benefits you can get. For your disabled child will be able to get benefits (PIP???) Not sure what ones, but I've been reading about myself recently an spotted about disabled children.

My nephew is autistic and his mum works full time but does get benefits for him.

Do you have anything saved? Is the house in your name?

As he is currently the children's primary carer, I think it is very important you start reporting his violence. If you don't have evidence of this I dread to think what might happen if he wants custody

Contact women’s aid as they’ve been great with my sis and police got involved and he had to leave as she kids couldn’t be made homeless.
Call them tomorrow. Nothing to lose love xx

You need to end this. Sorry to be blunt but if you continue as you are your children may well permanently lose their mother because one blow/punch can kill. It won't be easy but you and your children deserve to be safe

He's not a good Dad. Wake up. Sorry if that sounds harsh. No good person hits another!! Especially not his beloved.

Make a plan & stick to it. You and the kids will be ok. But you need to exit.

Photograph the bruises as evidence.

So sorry. He sounds like a nightmare.

Do leave your husband.

Don't leave your job, find some way of having home help with kids or nursery places.

Speak to a solicitor.

Your husband is abusing you, what happens if/when he abuses the kids? He is not a good person to look after your children.

Good luck, get all the help you can. See your GP for mental health and maybe get some anti depressants to help short term. I am on Sertraline and it has helped me a lot.