Online dating question..

[RSitf]

Looking at going back to online dating in the next couple of months. I saw a TikTok the other day..a Psychologist explaining that you shouldn’t give out much info about yourself regarding your past..what has gone wrong etc so as not to allow them to repeat behaviour.

lots of the comments disagreed and asked what you were supposed to say and do as you’d look like you were hiding stuff.

i found it interesting because some of the stuff I’ve told previous dates has made them think I’m vulnerable and I attract the behaviour I’ve had..

What do most of you do when it comes to stuff like this when meeting someone new? Maybe I need to change how I come across a bit?!

No you don’t tell a stranger too much about you surely that’s a given? I wouldn’t care what the comments said.

@BiscoffSundae no of course that’s a given. But further down the line as things progress & you let your guard down it’s hard to know what to say and what to keep to yourself without looking like you’re the one in the wrong!

I think it’s good to observe how much interest they take and whether they seem to be overly opinionated on things you tell them. My first OLD fling was with someone who I noticed (retrospectively!) very quickly got into slagging off my ex after I’d revealed I’d had a difficult/abusive marriage/divorce. It’s not really normal or appropriate and if I think about how I feel if someone reveals these difficult/painful things early on, it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

If someone is quick to take your side, when in essence you’re a stranger and they have no idea if you’re giving an accurate representation… it’s just a bit odd, I think. Like they’re overly keen to say all the right things. And some people will really dig into asking more and more, so then you feel like you’ve got a great big connection when actually you don’t.

My new partner listens when I tell him stuff but never pushes for more information and doesn’t express much of an opinion when I share things. Ditto I don’t really want to get involved in the details of his past relationships - it’s not really relevant.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs agreed and that’s a good way to look at it! I think I need to be more reserved and trust my gut sooner

You don't 'have your guard up' or 'let your guard down' at any point.

Be yourself. Say and do what you feel like saying and doing. And if someone starts crossing your boundaries, you leave.

There isn't a 'method of how much to hide and for how long'. You maintain self respect all the way through a healthy relationship.

Maybe I need to change how I come across a bit

How you come across is how you are. It's not a front that you need to work on.

@Watchkeys agreed..I am who I am. Last guy was intent on changing f me as he thought my last relationship had changed me and how he wanted me to be which was rubbish.
I mean the things I share upon meeting new people.

Yes, that's my point. You share what you want to share. It won't be as much as some people would, it won't be as little as some people would. There is no right or wrong level. It's dictated by what you prefer. It will be different according to who you meet, too, different per person. Nobody can advise you on what you should do except you.

@Watchkeys I do actually think it’s possible to think to yourself “it might serve me better to wait a little before trusting new people with very personal information about my background” without this being the same as not being our authentic selves.

Some of us do need to learn better, more boundaried behaviours when it comes to dating and it’s okay to try to do that.

I’ve read other posts of yours on this subject and very often agree with you in terms of learning to trust ourselves rather than ask other people what we “should” do.

However, if we are the kind of people who find relationships difficult and were maybe not parented very well ourselves, as adults - often emerging from abusive previous relationships - we could do with learning how to conduct ourselves to achieve a better outcome. Going on our instinct has not served us well in the past, which is why many people in similar situations find themselves posting and asking for help.

I agree. I'm not saying that it's a good idea to spill everything immediately. I'm saying it's up to each individual to decide how much to share, rather than there being set advice that anybody else can give.

Yes, I was one of those people who was not parented well. I do get your point, but the protection comes from protecting ourselves to the degree we need to be protected.

The reason we see people in those situations isn't because they revealed too much, it's because they revealed too much, and then didn't heed the warnings in the responses they received. With a compatible partner, you can reveal everything and be fine. With a non-compatible partner, you'll reveal small stuff about yourself (nobody goes into the first date yelling 'I'm an abuse victim!' if they have any self respect), receive responses you're not 100% comfortable with, and then you have to walk away. The people who post threads on here are people who have allowed minor dings to turn into more major scale abuse. Once you learn to walk away at the 'ding' stage, the abuse doesn't happen, regardless of what you reveal about yourself.

The fact is, any of us might come across abuse at any time, in relationships, at work, in our social circles, in our families. Those who have the self respect to walk away immediately aren't the ones we see posting here.

I work on a “need to know” basis OP. I ask myself “does he NEED to know [this about me/my past] right now?” If the answer’s yes then I ask myself “why?”.
9 times out of 10 I can’t answer “why?”.

However, if I’m in or going to be in a situation that could trigger a “weird” (usually panic attack) response from me then I have a factual “I need to talk to you about something” conversation. The guy’s interaction and reaction to this conversation is VERY telling and gives me a good indication as to whether I will be walking away or not.

Yes, it can be upsetting and it hurts a bit if the guy turns out to be not what I’m looking for (the way he handles emotive conversations), but that’s life. I pick myself up, brush myself down, and carry on.

Similarly, a guy’s past is none of my business unless it impacts on OUR current, right now, in the present, relationship.

We all have a past. I personally don’t want to re-live mine unless it impacts on “right now” so why drag it up unnecessarily?

@Watchkeys i get your point, but we can also just not reveal everything straightaway - that is a good learning to take on board. Many securely attached people would be freaked out by someone spilling loads of distressing information on an early date and might walk away from it. It is possible to learn not to overshare without having to rely on being able to walk away from the inappropriate responses.

Thank you all that really helps.
agreed with what you’ve written and realised I’m going wrong in what I’ve done so far. i have felt ‘explaining’ past relationships may allow them to see what I won’t put up with, when infact all that happens is they see I had a long tolerance (which I don’t have now!)
I do have issues with having had no parental upbringing from a young g age which isn’t something I can hide though and I find that hard to explain

Hmm I was very open about my past, and so was he. We are both chronic oversharers so I didn't feel vulnerable, and to be fair to him, he has been helping me with my anxiety and grief. I only tried OLD twice though, I dated and chatted to one person at a time. The first one, I wasn't so open because he knew my late DH's family and it felt a bit weird, it was a good thing it ended. The second one is my boyfriend of 6 months. Openness has been the foundation of our relationship and it has made me feel secure and loved for all that I am, including my complications.

Placemarking

@CthulhuInDisguise that’s positive to hear. I guess the right person will mean you are able to open up and it’s fine. Sadly for me a lot of men have taken advantage so a change is needed in how I am early on.

Also placemarking. I stepped off the OLD hamster wheel a couple of years ago after diving straight in post (emotionally abusive) marriage then had a string of sketchy romances where I trusted them and told way more than they needed to know far too early.

I also won't be bonking them too early next time either. I used to think it was important to get jiggy with it early on to test the compatibility but now look back with regrets that I was quite loose with blokes who ultimately weren't a good match for me. If I'd have not jumped into bed with them I could have worked out they weren't up to my self-imposed standard.

So sharing too much history and body early on will be a no-no for me. I'll take it slowly and casually with maybe a drink here and a dinner there over several months with several of them at a time to see if I want to go deeper or wave a farewell too.

@ZiggysTarbrush I was the same, apart from the sleeping with them. I felt it was important to share my experiences and it would help with what I wouldn’t put up with.all it’s taught me is some men will take advantage of that. Some things I’ve now realised no one needs to know. I guess I worry I look like I’m not a good catch of I appear avoidant so you can’t really win!

I wouldn't want to share too much about past relationships, when first dating, we all have a past but I feel I'd want to concentrate on getting to know someone and have a good time, not to sound like a drag going on about a previous relationship and I wouldn't want to hear much about theirs, I'd think they aren't over it.
There is a time to go into more detail but not overly.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

I don't think you do get my point, because you're arguing against a point I didn't make. Hopefully others will see my point more clearly.

When it comes to OLD, you're essentially 'marketing' yourself so I think it's best to keep it light and just stick to limited details about the best bits of you...what you like to do/interests etc.

The stuff of your past/vulnerabilities is private info and is something which is best shared when you know a person and feel safe in their presence.

You clearly say here and elsewhere that there’s nothing to work on, no “magic method”, that you should be yourself and then respond if someone crosses your boundaries.

This is all well and good but the OP is asking for guidance on how to navigate revealing information that makes her feel vulnerable.

Of course there’s no “magic method” and the OP I imagine is clever enough to realise this. But she’s asking how to tread the path.

Rather than trotting out continued references to boundaries and continuing to be who you are (nobody is suggesting otherwise), I don’t think your tack offers much actual help and in fact seems almost derisory to those people who might actually seek help or advice from others who’ve been through similar - the very premise of Mumsnet Talk.

OP I think as we heal over time from past relationships it gets easier not to Greek the need to share - whilst I was still recovering somewhat from the trauma it was hard not to reveal certain things (we were in court off and on, for a start, and I had occasional nightmares with my ex behaving erratically with contact etc).

I do now find it easier not to say too much but in large part it’s because things have got easier between me and my ex. Although I ended up telling my last partner some things after spontaneously bursting into tears once watching him lovingly cook me a feast one weekend as I was overwhelmed with this simple act of kindness. He was quite shocked as to him it was normal behaviour but my ex hadn’t once cooked for me in ten years. Although he listened and was empathetic, I liked that he also didn’t prompt me into a massive overshare on it all and was quite balanced in his thoughts on it.