Online dating question..

[RSitf]

Looking at going back to online dating in the next couple of months. I saw a TikTok the other day..a Psychologist explaining that you shouldn’t give out much info about yourself regarding your past..what has gone wrong etc so as not to allow them to repeat behaviour.

lots of the comments disagreed and asked what you were supposed to say and do as you’d look like you were hiding stuff.

i found it interesting because some of the stuff I’ve told previous dates has made them think I’m vulnerable and I attract the behaviour I’ve had..

What do most of you do when it comes to stuff like this when meeting someone new? Maybe I need to change how I come across a bit?!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

It doesn't matter if you don't agree with or like my posts. I'm stating my opinion. Report posts that you think are derisory or against what MN is about. Let them decide, rather than trying to police other posters.

I'm not making my point to you, I'm making it to OP.

OP, to be clear, my point was that if you're thinking of revealing something early on in a relationship, don't do it if it feels to you like it could make you more vulnerable than you want to be with that person. Nobody can advise you on what would make you feel too vulnerable, as it's on an exchange by exchange basis, and is very nuanced. You have to listen to your own feelings. They will guide you, and if you reveal more than you wish you had, they will guide you again if the other person's behaviour towards you is what makes it apparent.

I'm really hoping that saying 'Learn to respect your own feelings' doesn't get me or my posts removed!

Calm down @Watchkeys nobody is going to report your posts 🙄

I’m surprised you’re so affronted by someone gently challenging their content. It’s what happens on Mumsnet. It’s not just a conversation between an OP and those who respond back to the OP. Threads become discussions about various points made as it progresses. It’s okay for someone to politely challenge the points you make - it’s not a personal attack on you.

I don't share anything much upfront if I can avoid it, mostly because I haven't worked out how to say tactfully, "you're just one of many at this point." A lot do ask about how you've been finding OLD, and I usually just say, "it's been a lot of fun, and educational." They don't need details.

As for actual relationships - if it turns into something important,they can know then, and would probably get to meet some of the ones I'm still friends with at some point, but I'm 50,and we're all going to have some past, even the ones who work in IT. But I learnt very early on not to share things - someone had to have been around a lot before I'd mention them to my mother, because she'd use knowledge against you, and I took that approach with everyone else, really, which I think has made me too closed at times, but there we go.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

If you will persistently patronise, people will get pissed off. I know what the forum is for. I stated my opinion. Stop policing me.

Agreed @EBearhug it’s hard to nicely say ‘you may not be the one’!

@Watchkeys & @ibelieveinmirrorballs please don’t fall out, you’re both entitled to your opinions.

I think my first art of meeting someone as I said is very hard because the initial questions being ‘are your parents near?’ Is answered with ‘I have none’ this either gets the sad feeling sorry for me response or the ‘independent’ one..neither of which are good with some men! I can’t avoid that though unless I lie and invent parents!!

Ok a couple of thoughts from the male side of the divide:

Early days I don't want people unloading their emotional or relationship history on me. As things develop though I think honesty is important and whilst details can remain private I certainly would appreciate an insight into what makes my partner tick and would expect to share the same.

I'm 50s and at this sort of age you do have a long history - and potentially ex spouses on the scene especially if the kids are under 18. Being too needy is a real turnoff but I would want to understand a person I am in a relationship with and really hope they would want to understand me

Sorry for the derail, OP!

@ManAboutTown that’s good to read! I think the last partner was clearly just not for me. Early on he told me he was an over thinker. I had no idea that, that could mean he literally thought about everything I said. Naively I hadn’t come across this before and soon started realising he would badger me for in depth info early on. He said it was best to be open and honest, of which of course I am. It didn’t do me any good though!
il

General information and nothing that will give your address etc away. Lots are after casual sex and will love bomb to get then walk and say not feeling it. If you aren;t happy to meet then don't let them make you feel guilty and meet up

You are under no obligation to divulge anything about your past relationships, family life or work circumstances. You certainly shouldn't feel you have to explain yourself to anyone, least of all some random bloke you've only just met.

If they don't like the fact you don't want to over share to appease them, well tough luck. Your life, your choice.

Agreed, I’m talking about a few months in and feeling somewhat comfortable..but again I’ve learnt saying too much isn’t a good idea!

RSitF - glad it helped even if only a little bit

Oversharing shows a lack of boundaries and self awareness.

If men tell you all sbout the terrible things they've been through you need to be careful they aren't looking for a therapist/rescuer/fixer girlfriend.

The question about parents obviously can't be avoided, and of course will make people uncomfortable.

If there is talk of past relationships you can always just say it just didn't work/we fell out of love which covers most scenarios.

I don't think there is any need to go in to great detail unless it impacts you a lot.
I had a really crap marriage but used the line of 'we grew apart' when in reality he emotionally abused me for years and had emotional affairs. Only a few friends know the truth. I'm glad I've kept my boundaries around who needs to know because I don't think people can always cope well with knowing more detail plus you have the risk of being perfect prey for predators.

If you want to get ideas for answers to common question that are asked on dates post here and we'll try to help.

Thanks @SortingItOut that’s a really helpful reply.
parents I can’t change, it is what it is. I’ve coped for years without them, but I do typically ‘poor you’ response which is of course nice but also they feel they need to be my saviour? Any ideas with how to deal with that?!
Im recently questioning a lot after seeing my ex’s Fb page (he unblocked me!) he wasn’t the person he made out to be, shocking to see a different person in ways. Guess I’m too honest and have too reel it in!

Sorry to pry but with regards to your parents are they deceased or were you brought up in the care or something else?

Can you give me an example of a question someone might ask about parents as I've never known anyone to ask me about my parents?

You can be honest without oversharing.

@SortingItOut one of my parents died when I was younger. One hasn’t spoken to me for years through stubbornness

If you say 'I don't have anything to do with my parents', it closes that line of conversation without getting into a discussion. You can follow it up with a question, so as not to leave the other person in an uncomfortable silence when they've asked you an open question.

If you brush lightly over hardships, people receive them lightly.

Ok so for me I don’t say anything about previous relationship, past or trauma

I think many men use it as a benchmark and to try and throw it in your face in future
I just all men have treated me like. A princess and I’m so so lucky
whetner that’s true or not, I don’t care
until I 100% trust they get nada

but I’m usually always single so I’m not sure how much advice
youwant to take from me haha!

You can never 100% trust. Knowing this will save your backside time and time again. YOU are the one who has to have your own back. Don't give it to someone else to protect. You can love someone inside out, but you'll never know for certain what they're going to do next. If you're strong enough in yourself, you'll be able to cope fine if someone uses your vulnerabilities against you, if they have an affair, if they turn into a psycho. Being strong in yourself is the key to the whole thing: knowing that you will look after you if it all goes wrong; knowing you won't beat the crap out of yourself, call yourself names, lose your self esteem etc.

@RSitf If the question is 'how do you get on with your parents' then the answer is 'the same as most people' or 'unfortunately one of my parents is deceased'

If they ask 'how often do you see your parents' you could say 'not as much as I used to'

I still think it's weird they're asking this early on. Maybe that's a red flag in itself.

@SortingItOut I think it’s a fairly normal question isn’t it?! Alongside asking if you have siblings I’ve always thought.
The answer of ‘the same as most people’ isn’t something I feel is true because most people have parents and get on well..def not the case for me! I guess I’ve previously
said I guess I worry people will maybe think I’m hiding something which I’m not of course!

said I guess I worry people will maybe think I’m hiding something which I’m not of course

You say what YOU want to say. If someone feels like you're hiding something, and they decide that's a problem, that's up to them. It's not something that tells you you're faulty or in the wrong.

I don't think it's a normal question to ask about parents, seems a bit invasive.

I think you underestimate how many people's parents are deceased and how many don't get on well - I think the number is far higher than you think so actually a vague answer is enough because it covers most scenarios.

You can be honest without providing nitty gritty detail. I think you've swung too far the other way.

Yea I probably have. It’s something in my last relationship the guy said he found ‘really important’ ‘good family values’ I guess I failed those 2 requirements!
I understand what you’re saying though, thanks. It’s nice to have a different perspective

I'm on the fence with this one. I think its good to talk about where things went wrong in the past and learn from them etc but also the past is in the past and its best to move on and maybe not talk about past partners?

Everyone is different I guess and its up to you how much information you share with your prospective long term partner but maybe a bit further down the line rather than first few dates.