I know I've been daft, advice please!

[OhHenry]

Hello,

I need some advice please.

I've been a bit of an idiot and I know that so please don't be too harsh.

I stepped away from online dating as it's not the place for me, low self esteem etc at the moment...

Couldn't believe the way some of the guys behaved and for the first time in my life I experienced 'negging'...I've actually never encountered this until now (almost 30)

So I guy I was chatting to and planning to meet for a coffee/dinner showed his true colours before meeting thankfully, and texted when drunk to ask for something casual (after telling me he is not looking for casual sex at all) ...so I stopped speaking with him. So he sent a few nicey nice messages obviously trying to win me over again etc...

After ignoring a few of his nicey nice messages.... When he was hungover decided to text me and say 'prove I look good naked etc etc '

Saying 'hungover, you don't fancy helping me out etc, no? Nothing?' Sit on my face etc etc ...

The messages seemed to have a slight aggressive tone because I had been ignoring him...

I was not impressed and blocked.

I'm ashamed to say his negging worked and when drunk one night I unblocked and sent him a photo (not fully topless I might add as you can't see full nipple and boobs partly covered by crossed arms etc) ...my face however is in the photo ☹️

I can only blame my cripplingly low self esteem for the poor decision...

He was very complimentary about the photo but I obviously regret sending it...

I asked him to delete it and he sent a screenshot of our what's app convo on his end to show he had...

But I guess it's been playing on my mind he could have screenshot it first or saved it to his camera roll etc..

It was 4 weeks ago he sent the screenshot to show it's deleted.

He has asked to meet up and I've just ignored!

I don't know whether to message him and ask him to make sure he has deleted the photo of his phone and that it's not just deleted of our what's app convo,

Or if that's just showing that I am anxious about it

Should I ask him to make sure he has deleted it off his phone or just leave it?

Haven't spoken in four weeks as I said so maybe would seem random?

And yes, I know I am a twat and would never do anything like this again! So please be gentle 😕

As I say low self esteem and issues that I'm working on to blame!!

@CPL593H - that's very true

@RobertSmithsLipstick - I do seem over invested yes! I think it's my attachment style or something. Or because he is a bit of a dick, I see it as being a bit of a challenge, not boring.

@OhHenry

You seem like some sort of a combination of a grownup and a teenager. You want him to find you attractive and at the same time you hold it against him and clutch your pearls. His intentions? Really?

Sexual drive/attraction isn’t some sort of shameful thing. Men and women date to find a partner - for life/relationship/sex.
There is nothing wrong with that.

I do think you will benefit from talking to someone who can help you figure out a bit more what you are looking for, and what your inner insecurities are. As well as explore how that works with grown up relationships.

As to this guy - meeting him would be good for you. So you can get over your silly fantasy about him. Who cares what his intentions are - you only need to care about yours. Also - you don’t need to be making anything clear to him - it’s up to you when you meet to do or not do anything you want.

Stop giving him so much power and start finding your own.

Ime some men do keep nudes. My ex from TWELVE years ago still has hard copy nudes of me from when we were together. I found out 2 years ago when he mentioned it in a text. I didnt want to give him any psychological control over me so I told him to knock himself out, enjoy them! Doesn't bother me. It's just a body. I can understand your anxieties though but I'm afraid I don't think there's anything you can do

@MMmomDD - erm okay. The only pearl clutching i have done is about me sending that photo...

When I talk about his intentions what I mean is he obviously just wants to use me for a shag...I think a lot of women have a problem with women doing that and using them...I've read it many times on this forum.

And do you mean meeting him would be good so I can realise he is nothing special etc? And yes I should stop giving him so much power.

@LadyLothbrook - yes I think it would be naive of me to think he will defo delete it! And that's good the way you responded to your ex about it!

Also, when I asked that guy to delete it he said 'we've all done things after a few we don't feel proud of, or I have at least' - so I don't know if that was him trying to shame me, someone up thread said don't let anyone shame you for it

Then was very complimentary about the photo 🤔

That poster is right. You've nothing to feel ashamed of. Whether he was complementary or not. Regret is a wasted emotion. Do not give him control over your thoughts or self perception. Move on from it OP and don't give it another negative thought.

@LadyLothbrook - thank you for your message. Yes that's very true....I guess I just wondered whether the 'we have all done things we aren't proud of' was an insult,..as in him saying 'what a tramp sending that' type thing.

But yes I agree, I'll try not to regret it! I'll just regret the person that I sent it to lol...thank you for your kind message!

"We have all done things we aren't proud of" sounds like he's trying to reassure you, not shame you. You need to let this go. You're being obsessive and overthinking. And don't bloody meet him. That's a dumb thing to do. You'll probably end up shagging him to "punish" him for being an asshole. Just block and move on with your life, and maybe talk to a professional about why you get so hung up on things and people who don't matter.

Don't be so hard on yourself O.P
We have all done things we regret when we are drunk.
I really would try and forget about it now and really don't worry. I really think absolutely nothing will come of it and IF it ever did which I don't think it will you could just deny it, say he photoshopped your head or something!

@BadNomad - that's true, perhaps he was trying to reassure me...I know meeting him would probably be a bad idea...punishment?! ....would shagging him not be more of a reward 😉....haha

Yea, I think I'm emotionally over sensitive at times....something to explore for sure!

@Bethany7- yes I will try not to be too hard on myself. I guess the embarrassment etc was coming from him living with people I used to socialise with!

Well, you did send him a topless photo because you were annoyed at him. That is not normal.

The "we have all done things" was him being empathetic.

@BadNomad - I was three sheets to the wind. Very very drunk. Certainly didn't/wouldn't do it when sober. Sorry that I am not as virtuous and perfect as you.

Thanks to the posters who haven't been critical and have had kind words etc

Jesus Christ

life is too short for this sort of shit.

I think this is not only exactly what would happen. It is also excellent advice

OP you need to stop doing this to yourself over some random blonde who means nothing to you or you him.

@Whiskeypowers - yes you are right! I blame it on low self esteem!

Who is the blonde though?! I'm not blonde and neither is he 😜

It's nothing to do with being virtuous and perfect. I've sent much more revealing photos while stone-cold sober, and I'm neither ashamed nor sorry. You clearly are because no one here and nothing he has said indicates you did anything shameful. But you are determined to make it so, while trying to blame him, saying his awful attitude made you do it. That's nonsense.

@BadNomad - okay that's fair enough! Sorry if I seem a bit snappy about it! I did it though cause he sent me messages saying 'prove you look good naked etc' so I thought 'hmpphh well I'll show you! ( when inebriated) , a bit childish yes, i think we have both been childish

What a mess OP. Please stay away from OLD till you grow a self esteem and get your head together. OLD is not a safe place for you at the moment.

@Sandra1984 this thread is several months old?