I know I've been daft, advice please!

[OhHenry]

Hello,

I need some advice please.

I've been a bit of an idiot and I know that so please don't be too harsh.

I stepped away from online dating as it's not the place for me, low self esteem etc at the moment...

Couldn't believe the way some of the guys behaved and for the first time in my life I experienced 'negging'...I've actually never encountered this until now (almost 30)

So I guy I was chatting to and planning to meet for a coffee/dinner showed his true colours before meeting thankfully, and texted when drunk to ask for something casual (after telling me he is not looking for casual sex at all) ...so I stopped speaking with him. So he sent a few nicey nice messages obviously trying to win me over again etc...

After ignoring a few of his nicey nice messages.... When he was hungover decided to text me and say 'prove I look good naked etc etc '

Saying 'hungover, you don't fancy helping me out etc, no? Nothing?' Sit on my face etc etc ...

The messages seemed to have a slight aggressive tone because I had been ignoring him...

I was not impressed and blocked.

I'm ashamed to say his negging worked and when drunk one night I unblocked and sent him a photo (not fully topless I might add as you can't see full nipple and boobs partly covered by crossed arms etc) ...my face however is in the photo ☹️

I can only blame my cripplingly low self esteem for the poor decision...

He was very complimentary about the photo but I obviously regret sending it...

I asked him to delete it and he sent a screenshot of our what's app convo on his end to show he had...

But I guess it's been playing on my mind he could have screenshot it first or saved it to his camera roll etc..

It was 4 weeks ago he sent the screenshot to show it's deleted.

He has asked to meet up and I've just ignored!

I don't know whether to message him and ask him to make sure he has deleted the photo of his phone and that it's not just deleted of our what's app convo,

Or if that's just showing that I am anxious about it

Should I ask him to make sure he has deleted it off his phone or just leave it?

Haven't spoken in four weeks as I said so maybe would seem random?

And yes, I know I am a twat and would never do anything like this again! So please be gentle 😕

As I say low self esteem and issues that I'm working on to blame!!

Hey OP get out of this completely. Stop goading him.
You must know it's just all wrong?

@Martggl - sorry I asked the question before seeing your reply....

Sorry to be clear, the messages he deleted were 3 months before that photo and completely separate! And there was a non rude message just before the rude ones that he didn't delete as I could see it in his screen shot!

The only messages he deleted were really rude ones were he was pestering me for nude photos and telling me to sit on his face lol

And yes worrying more as it's the middle of the night and can't sleep....but what do you mean about putting heads on bodies?!

@Monty27 - wrong as in not going to go anywhere with him etc so just leave it?

I know what you mean about goading, couldn't help myself as he is a bit of a prick

That's not negging though I can understand your need to find an excuse/justification for what you did. Which you really need to move on from. It really doesn't sound too bad but it's done and you will never know whether it was deleted or not. 🤷‍♀️

Couldn't help myself as he is a bit of a prick

😂😂🤭

Can't get my head round unblocking a guy to send a nude to who you never ever liked. Just what was the thought process?

Forget it now, you’ll never be able to get certainty anyway so no point asking again.

You need to work on your boundaries though op, this behaviour is messy and attention seeking.

Move on

He hasn't been 'negging'. He said he wanted something casual, offered photos, and asked for photos. He was then very complimentary about the photo you sent.

You're embarrassed to have sent it, but you can't act like you were manipulated into it by 'negging'. He didn't do that.

The photo itself doesn't sound like a huge deal - not terribly revealing. Don't bang on about it to him. If he's not a dick and has deleted, there's just no need. If he IS a dick, and hasn't deleted, you don't want to make out it's a big deal? Chances are he's forgotten all about it, so don't keep bringing it up. Using it against you/making it public is more likely to cross his mind if you keep going on about it.

It doesn't sound like you're in a good place for dating. On the one hand you're acting like you've been manipulated by this terrible guy into sending this photo, on the other hand you keep mentioning the messages he deleted as if this shows he's a good guy so you can justify going for it.

Maybe take a break from online dating. It sounds tough.

I think you are overanalysing. Who cares what he thinks (or do you?).
No wonder he's still contacting you because you are giving out mixed messages.
If you really don't want to take this further then block, delete and move on. Don't give it any more headspace and focus on something else (job, new hobby etc).

I agree that it sounds like you are really into this guy and maybe you think he's a twat because he doesn't want anything serious when maybe you do? Because it doesn't sound like he's done much wrong except be interested in you but only in a casual way.

I would leave it and see it as a lesson learned. Many women go topless on the beach. It’s not a big deal. I would work on your self esteem

Not sure if someone else has already said this but WhatsApp photos are saved into the gallery automatically on your phone, unless this option is switched off. I doubt he's got rid of it

Don’t waste one more minute thinking about that person.

I recommend spending some time reading the feminist boards on here. Taught me a lot.

@grumpynamechange - thanks for your message. He had previously sent messages saying to 'prove' that I look good naked....I thought that was negging...either way it's not very nice.

He was not upfront about casual at all. I told him I was OLD for a relationship, he told me that he was not looking for casual sex and he would not continue to have messaged me if he was as he knows that's not what I am looking for...

Then got drunk and asked for casual and was rude and cocky...I said no chance so he changed tactics and acted all nicey nicey, I just ignored so then more very rude messages (which he deleted)

So in terms of you saying it sounds he hasn't done anything wrong, he has and that's why he deleted his messages...if even he himself thought they were rude, then they must be rude lol ....I know him deleting messages doesn't make him a good guy!

@thank you for your message...why would mixed messages have him keep messaging? Is he not more likely to ignore if the messages are mixed?

@OriginalUsername2 - I should take a look at the feminist boards....what do you think they helped you with?

If you message again and ask if he has deleted it he is going to say he has, wether he has not, you would have no way of knowing. If he hasn’t deleted it what do you think he is going to do with the picture? If he is the type to do something nefarious with it he is hardly going to be the type to delete on your request. I can’t help think there is a part of you that wants to message him again.

@OhHenry

re: learning from the feminist boards - just exactly the power men have over women, the types of men that all follow the same script, the ways women much smarter than me have arranged their lives and finance.. lots of nuances I never understood before as (in hindsight) a vulnerable young woman.

@Meeeeesh - he does live with guys I hung around with years ago....so I guess it's the fear of him showing them...I cringe when I think about it....😕

@OriginalUsername2- thank you. I clearly need to take a look...I guess I just hate feeling like it's me who got the shitty treatment from this guy. I deleted our what's app thread at like 2am this morning and noticed he was online loads for ages....so of course my mind goes to , obviously talking to a girl he likes....I bet she didn't get the shit treatment ☹️

any specific threads you recommend?

OP - you seem to be unhealthily obsessing about this guy. Going over and over about messages from long ago, analysing, etc.
Wondering if he is talking to other girls when you see him online.

Its almost as if this photo is your connection to him and you are keeping it going by making it into something more than it is.

I don’t know what is in your head, or why you are looking for. But with this guy you seem to be enjoying some sort of drama. Or, you would have moved on.

Completely separately - pictures of boobs aren’t porn. Nipple or not doesn’t matter. Next time you are in Europe - just take a look around topless women and join them. It’ll do you good to feel better about your body and yourself.

@MMmomDD - for some reason this guy has gotten under my skin. No idea why....a few friends have actually told me that I can do better etc

And yes I do seem to like him messaging me and me just ignoring! No idea why. He has now sent me 7 messages which I haven't replied to....but I have deleted them and won't reply, and as they are deleted wont be looking at them!

You are wasting too much time on these
silly games.
Maybe the only way to get him out of your head is to actually make him real. He will be a lot less interesting in person than you are imagining him to be.

Meet him for coffee or a drink and be done with it all.

@MMmomDD - I have considered meeting him but he is a bit of a f**k boy...so I feel like his intentions aren't good in wanting to meet me etc...

But yes maybe not a bad idea sometime/or if I make it clear we are meeting as friends

You will never know if he's completely deleted it or not even if you contact him daily from now until the end of time. The only sensible thing to do is to completely block and forget him, but I'm not sure that you aren't getting something from this given you are thinking of making contact after 4 weeks without any.

So much drama over someone that you have never actually met.

You do seem over invested in this bloke.
Perhaps you should explore why you feel the need for all this drama, because you seem determined to carry it on, despite reassurances that you aren't the first or last to send a pic.

He probably has a phone full of women's pics.