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Original poster

Moaning husband. Is this normal

43 replies

Sidebrook · 24/07/2022 23:09

Name changed but I am a regular. Been with DH for 20 yrs and have two children.

Today he went to meet a friend he hadn't seen in ages. I dropped and picked him up from the train. When I picked him up I asked how the friend was (as I know him quite well). I just got a list of everything that went wrong. I tried to change the subject and was told I wasn't listening to him. The things he was describing were minor annoyances that would have annoyed me at the time but I'd forget them 5 mins later IYSWIM.

This negativity is a common occurrence and is wearing. I am an optomist and he is a pessimist. Anyone else have a husband like this?

OP posts:
CatalinaV · 24/07/2022 23:28

For the begining maybe you should just talk to him and explain why you don't like this behaviour. Probably he will understand.

noirchatsdeux · 24/07/2022 23:36

I have an ex husband like this. It's the main reason he became an ex...especially when I realised I was beginning to be as negative as he was/is.

I'm still friends with him, I see him quite regularly and he's good friends with my partner of 13 years, too. But I can only stand to be alone in his company for short periods of time. He just can't help himself, he's 52 now and it's not going to change.

Original poster
Sidebrook · 25/07/2022 09:01

CatalinaV · 24/07/2022 23:28

For the begining maybe you should just talk to him and explain why you don't like this behaviour. Probably he will understand.

I have talked to him about this. It's like his default is negative though

OP posts:
Original poster
Sidebrook · 25/07/2022 09:03

noirchatsdeux · 24/07/2022 23:36

I have an ex husband like this. It's the main reason he became an ex...especially when I realised I was beginning to be as negative as he was/is.

I'm still friends with him, I see him quite regularly and he's good friends with my partner of 13 years, too. But I can only stand to be alone in his company for short periods of time. He just can't help himself, he's 52 now and it's not going to change.

Yes - it is so draining. Its like living with a raincloud

OP posts:
Bemyclementine · 25/07/2022 09:04

Yes, now ex. Its socks thelife and joy out if everything.

LilyMarshall · 25/07/2022 09:07

My mum is like this. Her and my dad have cruised all over the world. I only know about the ‘disasters’ that occurred on each trip. They were minor inconveniences that were quickly dealt with.

There is no changing her. She enjoys being miserable. I can see she gets joy from complaining. Only thing you can do is distance yourself.

Original poster
Sidebrook · 25/07/2022 09:59

@LilyMarshall - it's like a bad habit or something isn't it? His parents are very similar in their outlook too. Has anyone managed to change their glass half empty other half?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 25/07/2022 10:03

You need to accept him as he is, and work out for yourself if you can live with it or not. He's not built to your design, and nor should he be.

Why does it matter if his behaviour is 'normal'? What difference would it make to how you deal with the situation if lots of people said 'Yes, totally normal'? Would it mean you'd just put up with it?

Watchkeys · 25/07/2022 10:04

it's like a bad habit or something isn't it

No. It's a habit you don't like. He's allowed to be as positive or negative as he wants. It's not that your approach is right and his is wrong.

Naunet · 25/07/2022 10:08

Watchkeys · 25/07/2022 10:04

it's like a bad habit or something isn't it

No. It's a habit you don't like. He's allowed to be as positive or negative as he wants. It's not that your approach is right and his is wrong.

Nah, his approach is wrong! It brings other people down and isn’t good for his own mental health either.

My ex husband was like this too OP, it’s one of the reasons I left him, absolutely draining.

HyperionWarbonnet · 25/07/2022 10:10

My first BF was like this. I knew it wasn't 100% normal as my DDad wasn't like it. Eventually I was going the same way and seeing the negative side and my DMum said she was concerned and I started to see his behaviour as pathological.

I dumped him. I saw him at a funeral two years ago and that was the first time I saw him since C 1989. He's married to someone I used to know who is beautiful inside and out and he was STILL MOANING!

She just rolled her eyes but it's horribly wearing pathological behaviour that is drip drip drip destructive.

Deffo dumpable offence, especially when you take the 38 million other offences into consideration. I was glad to get away from him and his vortex of frigging doom. Life's hard enough as it is without that shit!

Watchkeys · 25/07/2022 10:12

@Naunet

Other people can choose not to be around him. That's my point. It's up to him to decide who he is. If you think it's up to someone else to decide who he is, who decides who you are? Your spouse? Your family? Your colleagues? Or would it feel like something of an imposition if they tried to change you?

The ego of anybody who thinks they've got the right personality and other people have the wrong personality is way out of check. We're all right just as we are (except those rare few who break the law). There are no rules, there's no guidance. Choose to be around people who make you feel how you want to feel. Don't try to change people. It's hard work trying, and it's not possible. Waste your time elsewhere.

Discovereads · 25/07/2022 10:12

But he’s just venting about a trip that went badly. What is so wrong or bad about that? I wouldn’t take it so personally. A lot of people vent stress that way when they are in a safe space as they can’t stomp and grumble through a train station in public.

My DH is like this and really all he wants is validation- me saying yes that was shit to deal with. I let him get it off his chest. Then I add a dash of humour about it (there’s always a funny side) which lightens his mood. And then it’s all good.

I think my DH would feel not listened to or cared about if I tried to shut him down or tell him “about his bad behaviour”.

Watchkeys · 25/07/2022 10:14

horribly wearing pathological behaviour

Having a negative take on life isn't an illness unless the person feels ill. If he's fine being like that, it's not pathological. Trying to change people is, though. Really unhealthy.

Naunet · 25/07/2022 10:40

Watchkeys · 25/07/2022 10:12

@Naunet

Other people can choose not to be around him. That's my point. It's up to him to decide who he is. If you think it's up to someone else to decide who he is, who decides who you are? Your spouse? Your family? Your colleagues? Or would it feel like something of an imposition if they tried to change you?

The ego of anybody who thinks they've got the right personality and other people have the wrong personality is way out of check. We're all right just as we are (except those rare few who break the law). There are no rules, there's no guidance. Choose to be around people who make you feel how you want to feel. Don't try to change people. It's hard work trying, and it's not possible. Waste your time elsewhere.

It was a lighthearted comment

Original poster
Sidebrook · 25/07/2022 12:26

Watchkeys · 25/07/2022 10:04

it's like a bad habit or something isn't it

No. It's a habit you don't like. He's allowed to be as positive or negative as he wants. It's not that your approach is right and his is wrong.

I'm not saying my approach is right. He is a pessimistic person and I'm an optimistic. I have my own foibles that drive him mad too, I'm not perfect by qny stretch.

I personally don't think it's normal to stomp around in a bad mood. I was asking what others thought, which I have every right to do. That's what a forum is about

OP posts:
Original poster
Sidebrook · 25/07/2022 12:28

Naunet · 25/07/2022 10:08

Nah, his approach is wrong! It brings other people down and isn’t good for his own mental health either.

My ex husband was like this too OP, it’s one of the reasons I left him, absolutely draining.

Show quote history

It definitely isn't helping his mental health. He never seems happy or content. He has been to see numerous people about his anger and is resistant to taking meds for anxiety. His choice but it does impact on me and the kids

OP posts:
Original poster
Sidebrook · 25/07/2022 12:31

Discovereads · 25/07/2022 10:12

But he’s just venting about a trip that went badly. What is so wrong or bad about that? I wouldn’t take it so personally. A lot of people vent stress that way when they are in a safe space as they can’t stomp and grumble through a train station in public.

My DH is like this and really all he wants is validation- me saying yes that was shit to deal with. I let him get it off his chest. Then I add a dash of humour about it (there’s always a funny side) which lightens his mood. And then it’s all good.

I think my DH would feel not listened to or cared about if I tried to shut him down or tell him “about his bad behaviour”.

It's more about his tolerance to an inconvenience. A lot of things set him off. I do try humour. Sometimes it works and other times I get snapped at. It's very hard to take a grievance seriously when it's a daily thing

OP posts:
Joey69 · 25/07/2022 13:14

My ex was like this, she would moan about everything and everyone, especially her work colleagues and why they were all so useless, after a while I used to just tune her out, it’s not good living with someone who’s default seeing is too see negative aspect of everything and everyone

ThisWormHasTurned · 25/07/2022 13:32

My STBXH is like this. Moans about everything. Looks back on things in a negative light: for example, went on a city break somewhere amazing, saw the sites, amazing experience. All he says now is how he hated it, too noisy/busy/he was hungry 🤷🏻‍♀️ All the little things at home too. Dragged us all down. I tried to help him, support him, get him help, it was like he was determined to be in this mind set. It was one of the reasons I ended things. People now comment I seem happier and brighter, even “like a different person”. I feel like weight has been lifted.

Watchkeys · 25/07/2022 15:02

Thanks for letting me know what forums are for. As you said, they're to ask for other's opinions. Why are you passive aggressively telling me that? Because you didn't like my opinion?

That's telling.

Original poster
Sidebrook · 25/07/2022 18:28

Watchkeys · 25/07/2022 15:02

Thanks for letting me know what forums are for. As you said, they're to ask for other's opinions. Why are you passive aggressively telling me that? Because you didn't like my opinion?

That's telling.

Nothing passive aggressive here. I just don't agree with anything you are saying

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 25/07/2022 18:31

Ah, I see. It just sounded passive aggressive the first time, because you didn't say 'I disagree', you said

I was asking what others thought, which I have every right to do. That's what a forum is about

Confused
donttalkaboutbookclub · 25/07/2022 18:33

I have one of these and I have just got used to it over many many years. I'm glass half full and he is 'no one even gave me a glass and when they did it was the wrong sort'.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 25/07/2022 18:57

I used to be like him. I was depressed, anxious and angry and I was looking for confirmation that the world was against me and nothing would ever be right for me.

If I went to the supermarket and was home before I expected I would say "Well I WOULD have been much earlier actually but OF COURSE I picked the wrong queue and the stupid man in front of me just stood there instead of packing his shopping, then OF COURSE there was a massive queue at the cigarette counter due to STUPID PEOPLE buying lottery tickets, why the hell do they put the people stupid enough to buy tickets at the same counter as people just trying to give thsemlves cancer buy their smokes. Then OF COURSE when I got to the car I found a bloody leaflet under the wiper, these fucking people, then OF COURSE some idiot was in the wrong lane at the roundabout. TYPICAL!!"

It was fucking exhausting but it took me recognising my negative thought patterns and actively working on changing (including getting rid of my negative beliefs about my worthiness as a human) for me to leave that behaviour behind.