Moaning husband. Is this normal

[Sidebrook]

Name changed but I am a regular. Been with DH for 20 yrs and have two children.

Today he went to meet a friend he hadn't seen in ages. I dropped and picked him up from the train. When I picked him up I asked how the friend was (as I know him quite well). I just got a list of everything that went wrong. I tried to change the subject and was told I wasn't listening to him. The things he was describing were minor annoyances that would have annoyed me at the time but I'd forget them 5 mins later IYSWIM.

This negativity is a common occurrence and is wearing. I am an optomist and he is a pessimist. Anyone else have a husband like this?

Some people are radiators. Others are drains.

You have my sympathy OP - my H is like a slightly younger much better looking Victor meldrew , now given the state of so many things out there, I do understand how he feels but it's still not easy to live with if it's a non stop way of thinking/living and not just very occasionally . I can only think that people saying 'how dare you not just accept this is how he is' are also themselves complete fun sponges!!

My ex was like this - in the end you don't want to be in the house much because you never know when the moaning is going to start. It can destroy what is otherwise a good relationship

Talk to him - he may not realise what a negative atmosphere is being created and it doesn't sound like there is much else wrong

What you see is what you get, op. People like your husband are not capable of changing, this is simply how they view their world.

You just have to decide if you can put up with 30+ more years of this shit.

think you’ve added a few things to him just being “negative” OP. Angry, for instance. Stomping. Snapping.

Not everyone has to be ‘glass half full’ bright optimists. But I don’t see why you should live with such unpleasantness and nastiness.

I’m quite negative a lot of the time. - about the world, other people and so on. Though i mostly keep it to myself and I know how to enjoy myself too.

But MOST of all I’m not taking out my anger on people. I’m not moody, snappy, angry and stomping. And so on. You don’t have to put up with that crap OP. There’s likely to be more to this than simple negativity.

And Victor Meldrew - though he’s moany 😀 - he never is unpleasant to his wife …

Oh Lordy I nicknamed my ex husband victor meldrew also due to this . God I hated it . And as pp said , I can only be in his company a short while . So negative so moany . Can’t stand it and don’t miss our relationship. Early fifties also .

I was going to call him a wet blanket, but vortex of frigging doom nails it.

Ask him, "What are you trying to tell me? Did you enjoy the afternoon at all? Do you regret going? Did you feel unable to cope with the things that went wrong? Do you need a clap on the back for dealing with the things that went wrong?"

Or just buy yourself a pair of noise canceling headphones and pointedly put them on next time he launches into a dirge. Shake your head sadly.

You could tell your husband that you'll no longer be his emotional punching bag, so unless he has something positive to say or something important you need to hear, he can keep that shit to himself.

Forget the above. I've just read your other posts.

He has no incentive at all to deal with his "anger problem" as long as it isn't causing him a problem.

If I were you I would suggest a trial separation. Stomping around in anger is not how you create a lasting relationship. How hard could it be to not do that?

His problem is that he feels entitled to never have to deal with the foibles of other human beings. He's an arrogant jerk. It doesn't take several courses of therapy or counseling to figure out how to stop taking anger out on others. It just takes the motivation that comes from caring that you're making other people scared and miserable.

That's amazing that you managed to recognise that and work through it. Do you feel happier now?

Mine is a bit moany - I actually think it’s more common in blokes.
He does have other qualities though -he is generous and kind and he does all the cooking😀.
I think there is no perfect person - I am far from perfect. It’s whether the goods outweigh the bads.

@donttalkaboutbookclub you exactly describe my ex . It was so wearing and since I left my life is much harder practically but it feels like a cloud has lifted .

This is who he is. You won't change him. Not if he doesn't want to change, and it sounds like he doesn't.

So you either put up with it, and feel drained by him, or you leave him.

I feel for you.

Yep.
My partner is like this! Will find a negative in absolutely everything it's bloody draining.

There's a big difference between having a moan at the end of a bad day, and stomping around in a temper like a toddler who was given the wrong coloured spoon.

I think everyone is occasionally guilty of the former; some more than others, but the latter is totally unacceptable in a grown adult.

That said, you can't change him so if it's not something you're prepared to put up with for years to come, then get rid

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation You nailed it in one! We all create our experience from the inside-out. As we make that shift in self-awareness, our outer world reflects those changes back to us. It can be a challenging one to grasp but the more we work on the relationship with ourselves first, the more effortless positive change we see in our relationships. I see it all the time. So lovely that you’ve taken the time to discover this.😀

God yes, by several orders of magnitude! I am almost a completely different person.