I Can't take no more

[theuseless1]

Background-
Been together for years, not long been married, 3 kids and I'm pregnant with another. 2 oldest children have very complex needs

Recently he's just been toxic with me, says I don't do enough and is constantly on my case, I can't seem to do anything right?? I can't take it no more
He went out last night, not a clue on when he got home, I sorted all the kids and got them to bed and meds etc i then bleached all 3 bathrooms top to bottom, cleaned all the downstairs, did a wash, sorted the 4 dogs out we have and got to bed gone midnight. Their was nothing wrong with the house when I went to bed everyone comments it's a show home it's immaculate, then I got up with the 3 kids, fed them, sorted the dogs, usual.... (I do a full day at the hospitsl with my oldest 2 every 2 weeks. And I mean near 11/12 hours, hes never done this ) 9.30 we was just sat relaxing an he runs downstairs and says he wants me up and ready with the kids I shouldn't be so lazy- they had a party this afternoon hence lazy morning just playing for a change so they wasn't sat around in nice clothes and no doubt get them minging!
He then starts how what will he do for dinner as I'm out with all 3 kids on my own and that I'm a slag an just baby sit the kids I'm not a mum etc just usual going for gold on me, I take them at 12 an come home for 6, get the youngest to bed then sort the older 2 for pjs, toilet, meds etc. Then he starts how I havnt made the dinner yet or cleaned the kitchen table stand and that the dogs needed cleaning to! He had all day to himself I honestly am so fed up I'm just a piece of shit on his shoe, why couldn't hw have put some roasties in whilst I drove back with all the kids, I made the chicken before I left or cleaned the dogs why I've been out all day- hw then put his hands around my throat an said keep blaming him an he's Guna strangle me. I'm just a slag who does nothing and I'm a shit mum. He then wished the new baby dies (second time he's done this)
Last month I was cleaning the bedroom floor so was on my hands an knees. He came behind me calling me a slag etc, I didn't speak back then as I went to get up he hit me in the fact an bust my nose all over the room then said he didn't realise he was that close to me ? Seems to be more an more often now I'm pregnant
He also keeps giving me loads of abuse over sex saying il sleep wirh anyone but him, Iv not slept with anyone but him since we got together, yes I had sex prior to him how shameful but I can't change it! I just don't want sex I'm 7 months pregnant I cannot be arsed an it's uncomfortable
This is a daily thing it's never good morning it's X do this X pass me that x you havnt done this today, I have NO purpose anymore but to do as I'm told, it's always worse if I plan something with the kids as I really should be at home cleaning I feel ??
Why do I deserve this? I honestly cannot do enough and I'm never good enough I just don't want to be here anymore, Iv been begging and begging the local council for help, he constantly kicks me out but won't write a letter to say this so I don't get anywhere as he lies saying he wants me at his house - his mortgage I pay !

I just wish I could have someone who loved me for been me and be happy. Not to be told on a daily basis im just a fat ugly slag who does nothing and I'm a shit mum and the kids deserve better. I'm honestly broken and don't see any way out. I take my son to bed and just picture myself jumping out of his window or I picture myself hanging from the top floor of the noise ??? This really isn't right

Honestly don't want any hate, I have no one to turn to and my life is a total mess I just want my baby's an to run away and to know we will be okay on our own

There's no point snapping at me. Follow the link provided by MN above and good luck.

If you report domestic violence to the police they have to take this into account. Rather than expecting a written letter from the bloke who is abusing you.

You can report to the police and ask for their support getting into a refuge until the rest of the logistics (occupation order etc) are sorted out.

Do NOT ask him for any letter or permission to leave with the kids. Men who have previously put their hands around their partners throats are 6-7 times more likely to murder their partner. The time that abuse ramps up most often is during pregnancy and the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when you leave.

This is why you must leave without telling him first. If it means you walk to a police station, report him and say you aren't leaving until you can go into a refuge or emergency accommodation they WILL take you seriously.

There will be other women there, children for yours to play with and most importantly expert advisers to guide you through the process of leaving him for good.

But this needs to start by you taking the step to report his attacks to the police as soon as possible.

Using the phone at the hospital is a great idea.

You don’t need a letter from him to flee and request emergency accommodation.

There is a difference to 'becoming homeless' through choosing to leave (hence the letter thingy) and been forced out to escape abuse and violence which is your situation OP.

The second option needs to be handled with care. Speak to the hospital, police, woman's aid asap for your options here and how to do
this as safely as possible. Speed & logistics are not on your side with 4 kids so you have to plan this with care but asap.

Tell staff at a hospital visit. You only have to say “ I’m suffering domestic violence. I’m in danger and need help” You can go into a pharmacy, ask to speak to the pharmacist privately and say the same. Or the children’s school.
Once you’ve told someone it’ll get easier.
Please involve the police, he sounds dangerous.

And please listen ton@wellhelloitsme , do NOT tell him you are leaving, planning to leave or reporting him. This is the peak risk for violence.

OP, just tell someone. A member of the hospital staff, your midwife, the police, a teacher. Someone. Don't bother googling anything. Please just tell someone.

The best way out of this is to contact women’s aid. Once you’re safely out you can decide if you want to press charges.

Go get yourself a pay as you go phone and sim. You need to snap yourself out of this trance and take some action to remove yourself from this situation.

Forget about cleaning the house and find a way to call women’s aid

Thank you all, I have a plan going forward and I told them I was in an abusive relationship, emailed them loads and even put it on my council house application that I was fleeing violence, nothing has changed an when I rang the hostel they still said the same....

I think you're trying to do too much. You need to tell one person (GP, midwife, hospital staff - anyone in 'authority', for want of a better word) what is happening. Tell them very clearly that your husband hit you in the face and tried to strangle you. Don't worry about all the stuff around the edges. If you can tell someone that he hurt you and potentially tried to kill you - just that - they will help you with what happens next.

The council are fucking useless op, call women’s aid.

They specialise in these situations and can find you a place in a refuge whilst permanent accommodation is sorted.

I know this will be difficult logistically with your dc having additional needs but you have to get out of this relationship before this monster does irreversible harm to you or you unborn dc.

Please don’t confuse an application to go on the housing register with an application for homelessness due to fleeing domestic abuse.

They are two very different things.

Seconding what PP have said.

You could also try www.flows.org.uk/ if you need help with the non mol and occupation orders

I havnt. I put on the council application about abuse to try help my bidding position,
I then also rang the homelessness refuge locally for families and explained everything and it's them who asked for a letter to prove I'm homeless an he wants me to leave as on paper i have a husband and a mortgage so don't look homeless regardless of my situation basically....

You mentioned you're at the hospital often with one of your children? Please tell them! They will almost certainly be able to help you quickly. I know it's hard, but as soon as you tell them, the ball will start rolling and you'll never look back. God speed!

The police would arrest him and get him out. They should give him bail conditions not to go near you or to contact you via any means including a third party. The conditions should include not to go near your house (no matter whose name is on the mortgage or who pays for it. The police would need to do a DVPN and then a DVPO (domestic violence prevention order/notice: one lasts longer than the other) with a view to them doing the work and getting you a non-molestation order from the magistrates court. They would also assign you an independent domestic violence adviser who can help with the process and sorting the practicalities of your life. While womens aid are good, the police are the enforcers; the ones to make it happen and to start the process.
Non-fatal strangulation has recently been made a crime: a serious one as victims of this are seven times more likely to die at the hands of an abusive partner than those whose partners do not do this to them.
And yes, I work for the police. They need to step in now and protect you. Phone 999, not 111. This isn't going to stop

And you are right: you can't take anymore. You must be terrified and exhausted. All this could stop if you call police x

OP the letter idea up thread is a great one, please do this and pass it to the hospital staff when you are there next.

I’m very concerned about you and your children, the impact on your children’s wellbeing, due to the domestic abuse.
You must be feeling very scared and overwhelmed. Women’s Aid will be able to support you and your children, when you’re ready they can offer you trauma counselling. This is an extremely toxic environment for children to grow up in, this is likely to have a significant impact on their long term wellbeing.
Strangulation is a recognised red flag, Police take domestic abuse very seriously and it is one of their top priorities.