Slept with my ex. Pissed off now.

[TheBigReveal]

We broke up a few weeks ago after just over a year together. For various reasons we couldn't see a long term future and so made the sad decision to end things. No resentment or hard feelings - it had been a lovely relationship in which I had felt valued, loved and respected.

He never really stopped texting and still seemed to want to see me though. Spending time together felt weird as the desire to hug and touch was still there. Then he got Covid (I have recently recovered.)

I felt bad as he doesn't really have much in the way of friends and family here (he isn't British and has only been here a couple of years working long hours). So I messaged every day to see how he was and went to visit him the day before yesterday when he was feeling better.

He wanted to hug and then he wanted to go further. I initially said no as I was worried about things being weird afterwards. I should have left then. But I didn't and tbh I just got turned on and, against my better judgement, changed my mind and had sex.

As I was leaving he said, "Don't go home and cry and be upset." Which really really pissed me off. I've been fine since we broke up. I've been busy starting a new job and seeing friends and although I am sad about the breakup I am not on the floor. Life goes on. Whenever we have seen eachother he has been much more tearful than me. So I was a bit indignant and said something along the lines of, "I'm not going home to cry, I'm going home to watch Love Island ffs."

But then the next day he didn't message me. Completely unlike him and it felt... I don't know. Uncaring? Disrespectful? I didn't message him either.

He did message today asking how I was. I replied casually. But I'm pissed off. It's starting to feel like he wants me to continue to provide company and support and sex but without the relationship? I'm not up for that. This is a man who claimed he had never felt this way before about any woman. He seemed to care about me so much. I'm not naive and I was well aware that sleeping together wouldn't change anything. But I resent being treated like a casual hook up. I thought he had more respect for me than that.

How to handle going forward?

Shameless bump. It wasn't even very good sex. He hadn't had any in a few weeks and it was all over a bit... quickly. Oh I'm raging and I can't even really understand why.

I need to start properly distancing myself don't I.

Its sad that you two couldn’t make it work but if you’re not feeling overly sad about it then I’d probably think about distancing yourself.
If you want to be friends with him then you will need to be clear that it’s friendship only and you’re going to keep a boundary between you. If you’re not fussed about being friends then just casually move on and stop replying to him.

Too soon to be friends.. This guy needs space from you.

It was actually him that initiated the break up (kind of.)

A couple of months before I had tried to end things - the issue being that he is only here because of a job that has a shelf life and staying here beyond that would involve us making a serious commitment to being together, which neither of us are particularly ready for after just a year. I didn't want to carry on in the knowledge he was leaving. At the time he was very upset, said he didn't know what the future had in store, and wanted to continue. And I was persuaded.

Then recently I got Covid. He came round to leave some shopping at my front door and as I waved to him across the front garden I could see his body language was weird. I messaged to ask what was up. And he ended it over messenger. I had a terrible week feeling very ill with Covid and being unable to speak with him in person. But I got through it, started a new job, and was ok.

I feel like ending things was what he wanted. Although I didn't fight him.

provide company and support and sex but without the relationship? I'm not up for that.

You are up for that though. Because you have provided exactly that.

How could anyone blame him for not knowing you don't want it when you are the one in control of your own actions and you have chosen to do all of the above? No criticism of your actions or motives whatsoever, but if you don't want it don't do it.

Fair enough. I won't do it. Part of my motivation was empathy for him having no one here really, other than colleagues he is friendly with (they're not really friends.)

But I can see my boundaries have been poor.

I would say be careful of this guy. I think that's what he wanted and you gave in.

I hope he not trying to make you pregnant.

Just distance yourself now.

You need to go no contact with him, it is the only way to move forward.

No he isn't; he couldn't.

Make me pregnant, I mean. I was trying to do that quote thing 🤦

Ironically
there’s a song called Post Break Up Sex. By the Vaccines.
best not do it again. You’re annoyed with yourself.

He's trying to demote you from girlfriend to fwb.

I know Megacat. And I'm well annoyed. I didn't click soon enough. But I have now and I'm not having it. He can fuck right off tbh.

I tell you something else, he's expecting me to be all boo hoo I want you back/why didn't you message/what did the other day meeeean?

That's not happening either.

Next time you speak tell him you’re seeing someone else

@TheBigReveal

That's good..let him go

What a shitcunt tho to dump you on bloody messanger when you're poorly

Oooohhhhh, I've done that too. I think mainly because the sex was miles better than the relationship. All he had to do was mutter something about me looking pretty in my jeans and bob's yer uncle, away we were.

Just hold out a bit longer if you can, and hopefully someone better will come along!

You've now got the measure of him! He wants you to be grateful for any crumb thrown your way.

no more sex with him!! Do not further complicate your life by getting pregnant!

plenty of other fish in the sea!!

"I'm not going home to cry, I'm going home to watch Love Island ffs."

And just like that .. I fell in love with the op 😁

How to handle going forward?

Stay casual.

Don't shag him again..

Stop giving him support, ramp it down. He sounds v capable of looking after himself (!)

And this.

And patronising & insulting you on the way out, to boot.

Don't cry; fk, he's full of himself, isn't he.

Don't do this but I'd be tempted to message "I was thinking we could have be ine friends with benefits, but then i thought; if that's all it is, I can probabky get someone hotter than you who fucks better too, all the best".

Yeah. And then he said, "Thank you for the visit."

I'm such a mug.

But I'm keeping all these emotions to myself (ie venting on Mumsnet.) He is never going to know I'm feeling any kind of way about it. Not giving him the satisfaction. From now on I'm casual, pleasant enough, but slow to respond and very very busy.

Just had a message: he has a day off tomorrow so perhaps we could meet so he can give me something that belongs to me.

Then because I didn't reply immediately: sorry for the early text, he started work early today.

I'm going to wait a couple of hours and then reply: Ah sorry, got plans after work tomorrow. Maybe post it through my letterbox if you're going that way?

I do actually have plans tomorrow to be fair.

Sounds like he likes to have the last word. You tried to break up, he convinces you not to, then broke up with you at a later date. The same with the sex. You need to disengage, it's not your responsibility to act as his friend, if he's got no family of friends close by, that's his look out. Step back, or even better block him