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Original poster

Miss matched sex drives

42 replies

legalseagull · 24/07/2022 07:35

I'm so so worn down by having the same fight. I spent last night on the sofa with the dog barking at me because I didn't want to sleep next to my husband.

We've been together 15 years. We've always had miss matched sex drives. He would have it every day. I would have it a couple of times a month if I'm honest. We average once a week.

He feels I don't fancy him (I've been the same with ex partners and I've told him this). He says I'm killing our relationship. I'm boring.

I feel f'ing furious and pressured. I'm so conscious when it's been a week without sex that I need to do it otherwise he'll sulk/be angry. If I say no the atmosphere is tense. Last night I said I'd have sex but it needed to be a quickie as I was tired. Fair enough I should have just said no, but what ensued was him ranting at me because I wasn't enthusiastic. I didn't engage and he just carried on ranting until I went downstairs. He then sent me text messages continuing.

I get that he's upset and takes it personally but I'm so so fed up of feeling guilted / pressured. I can't win. If I go along with it and have sex when I don't want to I'm told off, if I say no I'm told off. Am I expected to put on a porn star sex show?!

Admittedly I have a poor relationship with sex. I lost my virginity to rape at 16. I hate being pressured.

He thinks I'm the problem. In the past he's even told me to go to the doctors about my contraception as that might be affecting my libido. There's nothing wrong with me!

OP posts:
Original poster
legalseagull · 24/07/2022 07:35

Sorry I don't really know what I want from this thread. Just having a rant.

OP posts:
Original poster
legalseagull · 24/07/2022 07:36

I also work and have 3 and 4 year old kids. By bedtime I'm shattered!!!

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 24/07/2022 07:37

The only thing wrong with you is that you’re still with him. Set him free to shag.
Time to give yourself a break.

Original poster
legalseagull · 24/07/2022 07:39

I do understand that he feels hurt. He has low self esteem. I do get that. I just don't see how we can fix it as the only solution is for me to fake enthusiasm. Right now sex feels like a chore - which has nothing to do with him.

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 24/07/2022 07:40

Oh you poor thing , he should not be putting pressure on you after what you have been through ! Are there any attempts from him to be romantic or is he just expecting sex when it's time for bed ?

Velvian · 24/07/2022 07:43

I think you need to leave him, OP.

You don't ever have to have sex with him again. If you were inclined to work through it, you could maybe investigate a sex therapist. I think they usually advise that sex is off the agenda entirely at first.

You may actually feel some sexual desire if you come off hormonal contraception. However, you should not do that to placate your H.

homarr · 24/07/2022 07:43

I am in exactly the same situation, however I have never experienced rape so I can't even imagine the impact that would have on someone's sex life. It must be awful.

Men do tend to sulk if they don't get sex as often as they want (in my experience anyway).

My partner would have it every night as well but I just don't want it very often. I have a 2&5 year old and work full time so sex is the last thing on my mind.

No advice but watching!

Original poster
legalseagull · 24/07/2022 07:48

pumpkinpie01 · 24/07/2022 07:40

Oh you poor thing , he should not be putting pressure on you after what you have been through ! Are there any attempts from him to be romantic or is he just expecting sex when it's time for bed ?

Yes he does try. He can be very romantic and I know that he loves and fancies me. I feel bad knocking him back at those times, but if I don't want it I don't want it.

What annoys me is when we're cuddling and he says "do you want to go upstairs" (or whatever) and I say "no" he then immediately stops cuddling me and gets stoned faced. He doesn't see the withdrawal of affection as being abusive. He just thinks he's allowed to be upset

OP posts:
Original poster
legalseagull · 24/07/2022 07:48

Velvian · 24/07/2022 07:43

I think you need to leave him, OP.

You don't ever have to have sex with him again. If you were inclined to work through it, you could maybe investigate a sex therapist. I think they usually advise that sex is off the agenda entirely at first.

You may actually feel some sexual desire if you come off hormonal contraception. However, you should not do that to placate your H.

I came off it for several years whilst TTC and it didn't make a difference.

OP posts:
RebeccaCloud9 · 24/07/2022 07:49

You say it has nothing to do with him, but it sounds like it is massively to do with him! You are NEVER going to get in the mood with him pressuring you, and you only ever doing it because you feel you have to. Does he ever genuinely try to make you feel special, relaxed, turned on?

As a side note, my libido is vastly different when I am not on hormonal contraception, so that really could be making it worse for you.

Original poster
legalseagull · 24/07/2022 07:51

RebeccaCloud9 · 24/07/2022 07:49

You say it has nothing to do with him, but it sounds like it is massively to do with him! You are NEVER going to get in the mood with him pressuring you, and you only ever doing it because you feel you have to. Does he ever genuinely try to make you feel special, relaxed, turned on?

As a side note, my libido is vastly different when I am not on hormonal contraception, so that really could be making it worse for you.

Yes he really does in fairness. He does try. It's his response when I say no which really bothers me.

OP posts:
RebeccaCloud9 · 24/07/2022 07:52

Cross post!

But interesting how you said he will try to get you in the mood then immediately sulk if he doesn't get his way. So every time he does try, in the back of your mind is playing out the scenario that you are going to say no and he is going to sulk and withdraw affection. I have felt like that, and I would end up feeling defensive and not let myself get in the mood.

Original poster
legalseagull · 24/07/2022 07:57

RebeccaCloud9 · 24/07/2022 07:52

Cross post!

But interesting how you said he will try to get you in the mood then immediately sulk if he doesn't get his way. So every time he does try, in the back of your mind is playing out the scenario that you are going to say no and he is going to sulk and withdraw affection. I have felt like that, and I would end up feeling defensive and not let myself get in the mood.

That's exactly right

OP posts:
OldFan · 24/07/2022 10:56

Admittedly I have a poor relationship with sex. I lost my virginity to rape at 16. I hate being pressured.

It's healthy that you know when you're being pressured and feel uncomfortable @legalseagull . Someone pressuring you is not ok.

I couldn't be with a man like this. It's abuse.

OldFan · 24/07/2022 11:07

I had one who told me to come off my prescribed antidepressants to help my libido. It didn't work and he probably got even less, because I was on those for my mental health and got really depressed when I came off them.

There was nothing wrong with me- it was a problem for him only, except that he made my life a misery with pressurising me (which is also hardly an aphrodisiac for women.) Maybe he should've seen a doctor to reduce his libido, as it was him it was a problem for.

If you come off one form of contraception, please make sure you're on another one. Don't rely on him to use condoms, as unless a guy's really decent, there's a risk that men can sneakily not put them on (stealthing.) The withdrawal method is not reliable. You don't want to fall pregnant with this sexual tyrant.

I don't think any woman should have to tolerate a man like this one.

Original poster
legalseagull · 24/07/2022 11:11

OldFan · 24/07/2022 11:07

I had one who told me to come off my prescribed antidepressants to help my libido. It didn't work and he probably got even less, because I was on those for my mental health and got really depressed when I came off them.

There was nothing wrong with me- it was a problem for him only, except that he made my life a misery with pressurising me (which is also hardly an aphrodisiac for women.) Maybe he should've seen a doctor to reduce his libido, as it was him it was a problem for.

If you come off one form of contraception, please make sure you're on another one. Don't rely on him to use condoms, as unless a guy's really decent, there's a risk that men can sneakily not put them on (stealthing.) The withdrawal method is not reliable. You don't want to fall pregnant with this sexual tyrant.

I don't think any woman should have to tolerate a man like this one.

I'm on the implant. He wouldn't do this. He doesn't want any more kids either.
We're not talking this morning. How on earth he doesn't see that his reaction is pressurising is beyond me. A night of laying in bed being berated followed by a frosty morning. Of course this will be in my mind next time he wants sex.

OP posts:
Ketty44 · 24/07/2022 11:23

OP apart from what you went through at 16 I am in the exact same situation. Exactly what you say. I work full time and 2 year old is a handfull. He gets back really late and wants it every night . I don’t. I’m shatterered. So he sulks and goes to the other room. If we sit cuddle watch tv he will try it on so I have to get up. I don’t know what to do.

Thumbergia · 24/07/2022 11:24

Not being on hormonal contraception made absolutely no difference to me. Zilch. In fact it's reduced even more, I'm not on any medication whatsoever.

I do wonder if I'm in peri and have been for a few years (I'm early 40s) as it's depleting even further along with everything else.

I hoped it'd improve but I completely understand that the withdrawal of affection puts you off even more.

I think it is very true although not a problem solver, that "a man needs sex to feel loved and a woman needs to feel loved to have/want sex".

I don't see a good outcome for this relationship OP. If you'd had similar sex drives initially, there might be a chance, but generally a woman's depletes more as you get older, not helped if you feel pressured constantly to have it x

Hhd1 · 24/07/2022 11:36

Certainly doesn’t sound much fun for you OP. You have my sympathy. Are these men who “would have it every night” a bit needy? They can always get a sexual release themselves if they want. Why do they need to be shown that they are loved every night? I get at the start of a relationship you may be a bit insecure it after 15 years and 2 kids?

AnneLovesGilbert · 24/07/2022 11:39

You’re incompatible and both unhappy so I’d break up.

AnotherDelphinium · 24/07/2022 11:43

His “insecurity” is just a lousy excuse. Next time tell him he needs to go to the doctors to reduce his libido as that’s the problem.

Get a sleep app and share it with him, explain that unless you’ve had seven nights of eight hours sleep on the bounce, it will definitely be a no. Once you’re less exhausted, you might be more interested, but in the meantime, as soon as he starts asking you’re instant response is “what did the app say”.

Quite honestly, men like this give me the ick. If I’m not interested there is nothing that turns me off quicker than pestering or knowing he’s going to grump if I say no. I wouldn’t put up with this man-child much longer.

UWhatNow · 24/07/2022 11:48

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
legalseagull · 24/07/2022 12:04

We're unhappy about sex but happy in every other aspect. I'd rather not just LTB given we have two young children and love each other. I'm hoping to find some sort of solution. Maybe it will be the end of us eventually but MN is quick to throw in the towel.
Right now however I want to throw him out.
We've got friends coming over for a BBQ now. Always fun to slap a pretend smile on!

OP posts:
Original poster
legalseagull · 24/07/2022 12:04

I wish there was something that could be done about his libido!

OP posts:
bigbloom · 24/07/2022 12:22

I actually don't think either of you are wrong. Understandably, you don't want to have sex with someone who's sulking, plus you have a poor relationship with sex.

I don't blame him for feeling rejected, either. Although one week at a time isn't that long to go without. But I understand the frustration.

Maybe a difficult conversation needs to happen, because this cycle will keep repeating. The end goal being that he understands you POV and stops pressuring (without feeling upset)