Miss matched sex drives

[legalseagull]

I'm so so worn down by having the same fight. I spent last night on the sofa with the dog barking at me because I didn't want to sleep next to my husband.

We've been together 15 years. We've always had miss matched sex drives. He would have it every day. I would have it a couple of times a month if I'm honest. We average once a week.

He feels I don't fancy him (I've been the same with ex partners and I've told him this). He says I'm killing our relationship. I'm boring.

I feel f'ing furious and pressured. I'm so conscious when it's been a week without sex that I need to do it otherwise he'll sulk/be angry. If I say no the atmosphere is tense. Last night I said I'd have sex but it needed to be a quickie as I was tired. Fair enough I should have just said no, but what ensued was him ranting at me because I wasn't enthusiastic. I didn't engage and he just carried on ranting until I went downstairs. He then sent me text messages continuing.

I get that he's upset and takes it personally but I'm so so fed up of feeling guilted / pressured. I can't win. If I go along with it and have sex when I don't want to I'm told off, if I say no I'm told off. Am I expected to put on a porn star sex show?!

Admittedly I have a poor relationship with sex. I lost my virginity to rape at 16. I hate being pressured.

He thinks I'm the problem. In the past he's even told me to go to the doctors about my contraception as that might be affecting my libido. There's nothing wrong with me!

I'd say completely miss matched sex drives is a good enough reason to split. I can see both sides - there are numerous threads on here if women complaining about lack of sense and how it makes them feel.

Went through something similar OP with my DH, 8 years ago, 2 kids under 4 working full-time etc etc, and my libido was non-existent. After rejecting his advances for thousandth time, he ended up packing a bag and storming out in the middle of the night, shouting that it wasn't just about sex and he actually wanted to be close to me. It made me feel like absolute crap, and I realised that sex with someone you love and are in a relationship with was a normal and healthy part of a relationship and him wanting to be with me was important and normal. It was him saying that to me that really put it into perspective for me as before that I was so hung up on him wanting it so much, me being tired and not in the mood, working and busy life and why couldn't he sort himself out etc. It wasn't about sex for him as such, nice as it is, it was about us connecting as a couple.

I worked on my issues, did a lot if reading and watching videos, and we now (and have had for the past 8 years) have a very healthy sex life.

I feel for you OP, especially for the trauma you have experienced, please look into seeing your GP for a referral to a specialist who can help you.

@KatieKline Maybe the storming out was a one-off from your partner (still not ok as far as I'm concerned) but that's not what OP describes as being the situation between her and her husband.

And I'm sure you showed affection to your husband in other ways.

But not everyone get or feel ”connenction”
during / from sex…

I don’t see anyway out of this tbh. You said it yourself, you have mismatched sex drives and neither of you feel able to compromise enough to satisfy the other, and I completely understand why neither of you feel able to do this.

I just don’t see this ending well. It’ll end in a marriage filled with mutual resentment, a split or ongoing affairs from him.

I agree with this. There’s a lot of crap talked on this site from posters who think men are ‘simple creatures’ who just want lots of emotionless sex. I just don’t believe it.. Most men like sex as part of a close relationship. Most men having affairs have a friendship/
emotional relationship with the woman they have
an affair with.

I don't think either of you are wrong.

Your relationship with sex (for want of a better term) is completely understandable. That should go without saying.

At the same time, if you can think of something that you need regularly in a relationship (for example - affection or deep conversations or romance etc) and consider how you'd feel if a partner was either unwilling or giving it grudgingly... how would you feel and what would your reaction be?

I agree MN can be very quick to jump to LTB, but in situations like this if you aren't willing or able to find a way forward then I think that really is the best option. In all relationships both partners deserve to have their emotional needs / wants met, and I don't think wanting sex to be a priority is any more unreasonable than wanting cuddles or good morning texts or a shared sit down meal or an equal share of the household chores. Everyone has a different 'idea' of the thing(s) that make them feel the most valued / desired / appreciated / cherished / loved etc. For some people that's a wife who listens to their work problems, for others that's a husband who's eager to have sex with them.

The question IMO is do you want to make an effort to fix this? You say you have two young children so you'd like to stay together, but I think that's just delaying the inevitable if you have absolutely no desire to work at it. (And that goes both ways too, your DH is perfectly reasonable to have sex as his 'relationship need' BUT you need to explore if YOUR 'relationship needs' are being met too, and if not he needs to make an effort to do so).

Isin’t that just one (of the many) ways men just try and get laid?
Saying it’s closeness, intimicy etc?
Cause they never seem to be interested about it, until they’re not getting laid.

Well he's in the wrong @bigbloom because he's sulking and giving the OP silent treatment and because he pressurises her into sex. So he is in the wrong.

It's not wrong to want sex, but his reaction to not having sex is just horrible.

I don't see how you can say your marriage is a good one OP when he's like this every day.

and actually I feel the same as you OP when I've been in a relationship with a sex pest - I've never been raped, so I don't think it's about that. It's just about being in a relationship with a sex pest.

Ok, I gave a pretty fair and reasoned response, so that's just my opinion. It can be upsetting to be rejected, and we aren't all robots, contrary to MN. Op herself isn't leaving him and says he's otherwise ok. That's why they need to talk and he needs to understand that it's nothing personal.

Totally agree @UWhatNow

He's not like this every day. Whenever I refuse he usually huffs and rolls his eyes or says something like "you never want to". A few times a year we might have a big blow out row like this.
The reality is we actually have more regular sex than we used to. I really don't think once a week is that bad but he's referred to it as a sexless marriage!

I'm speaking generally here, but it's often not about the actual sexual release/feeling. For a lot of men sex is a proxy for love. So if their partner doesn't want to have sex often enough/is not enthusiastic enough, they feel like it is a personal rejection of them and their entire character. Irrational, but there you go.

In this kind of situation I sometimes give the advice to write your partner a love letter, saying why and how much you love them. Lots of men would prefer this to unenthusiastic, half hearted sex.

But this situation involves sulking and coercion which is a whole different ball game. He really needs to stop that and see how unattractive/damaging to the relationship it is. It's a horrible situation and you have my sympathy.

Edit to the above - posted before RTFT but @KatieKline that's exactly what I'm talking about

Good god this thread, if men think the only way to be close to someone is to shag them then they really are they problem - and why anyone would want to change themselves to fit in with that is beyond me. Sounds like a good ole brainwashing to me.

Different sex drives is a deal breaker for me, when someone wants it more than you and thinks they're entitled then they can make your life hell. It's not normal to try to pressure your other half into something they don't want to do no matter how much or whatever reason you want it for - but rather a lot of men don't seem to know this. And to then passive aggressively sulk like some man-baby? Who could find that attractive? The thought of it gives me the ick. I couldn't be changing myself and trying to convince myself that they wanted to connect with me - they just want a shag and think they're entitled because you're theirs and should do what they want just like any other good wife would. Grim.