Alcoholic abusive partner

[Wanttobehappy111]

I've been with my partner for just over 8 years and it's got to the point where I can no longer stand him and I have actually told him he makes me feel sick.
He has always been a big drinker and when he drinks he becomes argumentative, abusive, wrecks things round the house and basically he is an all round unpleasant person. He has soiled himself on numerous occasions and goes into a complete black out state where he has no idea what he is doing and can never remember a thing when he sobers up and thinks I'm making it up, he has pushed me, come in drunk and woke me up by shouting when I'm saying nothingand tries to either drag me out of bed or take the blankets from me so he can get an argument out of me, I'm mentally exhausted from him. He often blames me for his reason for drinking as I nag to much or try to control him by telling him not to drink but I know that's BS it's not my fault at all.
He doesn't drink everyday but when he starts he can't stop, it can go on for days and he has barely any sleep in between these binge sessions and I have full on anxiety thinking about what he will be like when he gets home.
We have his son stay with us at the weekend and his son is now 10 and is more aware of what his dad is doing, luckily he has not seen what he is like to the full extent but he has seen enough to know that his dads horrible drunk. I told my partner to never drink again when his son was here and he did stop for a while but today my partner has been out drinking all afternoon and I have had his son and now the selfish bastard has gone back out to continue his drinking session until the early hours and more than likely the whole of tomorrow day too. My step son even said to me this evening my dad's getting drunk isn't he? and I couldn't even lie and just agreed with him bit told him we would have a nice evening without him instead. Maybe that was wrong of me and I should have covered for him but my step son isn't stupid.

My step sons mum is very aware of what his dad's like when he drinks too.
I'm at a point where I don't even want to be with him. I recently started a new job and have a lot more confidence and now know I am better than this. My only worry if I leave is I can't afford anywhere on my own plus I have no savings. I will also miss my step son terribly as I know I wouldn't be able to see him again and that breaks my heart.
Has anyone been in a simular situation?

I just want to give you a handhold. You obviously need to leave and I'm sure that can be figured out. If you have a good relationship with your SS's mum, can you carry on seeing him when you leave? All the very best x

That sounds awful and you must leave. Totally understand your fears but this isn't going to get any better, he'll destroy you and his poor kid, as well as himself. Please get out of this relationship, wishing you the best of luck x

Your SS doesn't deserve to be around this. Tell his mum what's happening.

Do whatever you can to leave him. You've wasted enough of your life on him.

Thank you for your comments. I really appreciate it. I do get on with my step sons mum but I know my partner would make her life difficult if he knew I was still seeing his son. I just know what he would be like.
I do know I need to leave, it's just the whole financial thing that worries me as I couldn't afford it.

Very best of luck getting out of this situation. There is a life out there and you deserve to enjoy it. Nothing is going to change with this man and it's not your responsibility to try and rescue him. Sending hugs to you and that poor ten year old.

My step sons mum is more than aware of what he's like. We talk alot and he was a big drinker when she was with him so I don't know what else I can do.

You need to leave. Make it your priority. Where there's a will there's a way .

You are not responsible for the misery your alcoholic asshole partner heaps on his ex partner if you were to urge her to keep her son from his father. Her decisions wrt her child are hers alone.

You can absolutely keep in touch with this poor child, and in your shoes I would be very inclined to contact his school and report what's going on.

Call Women's Aid if you need help getting away and getting in touch with services which can help you find housing. You are dealing with an abusive drunk.

Have you looked at your options re housing? Could you afford a house share, or can you rent a room with a friend, family, at least for the time being? You sound lovely and deserve a life better than this, asap!!

I'm looking at all sorts of options at the moment, everything is so expensive though. I am hoping I can save enough for a deposit to rent a small studio flat on my own. I have a lovely house at the moment and I will be sad to leave but I know my mental health will be much better off.
On a positive note, he didn't come home last night so hopefully won't come home until later on this evening. Normally I would be thinking where is he and trying to ring him to find out but I'm completely past that and the longer he doesn't come home the better.

I spoke to soon. He's back and drunk on the sofa. He tried to start an argument with me telling me I started an argument yesterday because he said he was having a beer and I was being unreasonable. Basically he's just trying to use me as an excuse for his drinking, i said im not arguing and i will talk ti him later when his son has gone and he has said when his sons gone i am going to get it full force. He's also had a go at his son for being too loud on his PlayStation. We are now both ignoring him. I won't be surprised if he goes out again. A bit of me hopes that he does but he's also meant to be leaving to go away for work for a few days tonight so I know if he goes out he will be in no state to drive so probably won't be able to go.

Where had he been all night? You deserve so much more than this OP.

I saw his friend drop him off so I presume there. I haven't asked as it will only cause an argument and he is looking for one at the moment. I'd rather just avoid him today.

Well he's gone back out now so he definitely won't be going to work tonight. In his normal true style he tried to start an argument with me before he went out, probably because he wanted to try and turn it round on me and can say I was the reason he went out but I kept my cool and didn't really respond as I have learnt over the years it is pointless arguing with a drunk.
Hopefully he doesn't come back until his son gets picked up. I'm going to stay in the spare room tonight so I hope he leaves me alone so I can have a good sleep ready for work tomorrow.
Thank you all for you comments, it's made me feel a bit better getting it all out.

Just wanted to say tha tI'm thinking about you. That getting it with full force comment made me feel ill. And carrying on in front of his poor son too. Complete scumbag.

Thank you. He won't even remember saying that by the time he gets back as he was drunk when he went out so will be in a right state when he gets back.
I feel bad as i was going to do a roast dinner today and his son loves them but I just haven't got it in me so I've said we are just gonna have something quick today. I'm trying to put a brave face on for my step son and he is pretty occupied playing his games but I hate my so called partner for doing this to us both and then trying to blame me for it. His last argument was because I called him a few times yesterday afternoon to ask when he was coming home and apparently no one else's girlfriend rang them. I don't think be realises how much anxiety he causes me when he drinks so I wanted him to come home then as he was still pretty sober and I hoped he would stop drinking for the evening. Deep down I know it's not me and he's just looking for reasons to blame me and trying to get into my he

Op this is awful and you must remove yourself from this situation as soon as possible
Is this why he split up with his ds mother ?

I think his drinking had a lot to do with it but obviously I didn't know that when we first got together.
I just hope he is gone when I get back from work tomorrow.

Deep down I know it's not me and he's just looking for reasons to blame me and trying to get into my he

Don't waste any more time blaming yourself. You're not responsible.

I hope you're able to leave this situation as soon as possible. Is there anyone you can stay with at all until you can afford a place of your own because anything would be better than staying with an abusive alcoholic. Could you afford a room in a shared house?

Best of luck to you @Wanttobehappy111

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Might be useful. Good luck. Getting out is definitely the right thing. So tough about your stepson. In a few years he'll be able to contact you of his own accord, you might not end up separated for too long. Make sure he'd have a way of contacting you.

Thank you so much.
I will look into shared houses as a temporary thing as I guess anywhere with peace would be better than this hell.
I have just had to block him on my phone as he has been sending me abusive messages.
A thank you for looking after my son all weekend would be nice but I wouldn't ever expect that from him.

Honestly op mine wasn't abusive just constantly pissed which is a bad enough but this must be so much worse
I'm so glad I don't have to worry about this shit anymore , not knowing what state he would come home in or even when I woke up sometimes as he'd drink at the crack of dawn
I hope you can free yourself soon and breath a sigh of relief

It's not a nice situation to be in.
I have noticed that i cant stand the smell of alcohol anymore, and don't get me started on the smell of him when he's home from a bender. As soon as he leaves I have to open all the windows and give everywhere a good clean as he just leaves stuff everywhere and treats the place like a hotel.
I hate the sound of cans opening aswell.
I wish he could see himself but he makes me sick when he's like that and I don't want him near me, slurring and stinking of beer. I think he thinks he's gods gift!

I used to see my BIL dishing out similar behaviour to his wife.

He too was a horrendous and argumentative drunk. It never got better. It cost him his home, his marriage and access to his toddler daughter. Still he continued to drink and he now also has no contact with his two siblings (DH and their sister).

We haven't seen him for 8 years now, and I can't say we miss his brooding presence.

You need to get out whatever it costs. This will have a terrible effect on your mental health, and nothing is worth that. Nothing at all.

Imagine getting up one day and not having to worry about this arsewipe, or walk on eggshells around him. Imagine not seeing the useless lump drunk on the sofa, or soiling himself in a corner. Surely that would be bliss.

You can always leave your stepson and his mother the means to chat with you if they want to. I'd be willing to bet that the drinking was a very big part of the reason they split.

I would be speaking to DSS Mum and arranging for him to go back to her ASAP.

Have you a friend whose sofa or spare room you could crash in!

I have spoken to her this morning, normally she does come and get him a bit earlier if this happens but she has been away this weekend and travelling back now so will be getting him as soon as she can.
Unfortunately I do not.