Alcoholic abusive partner

[Wanttobehappy111]

I've been with my partner for just over 8 years and it's got to the point where I can no longer stand him and I have actually told him he makes me feel sick.
He has always been a big drinker and when he drinks he becomes argumentative, abusive, wrecks things round the house and basically he is an all round unpleasant person. He has soiled himself on numerous occasions and goes into a complete black out state where he has no idea what he is doing and can never remember a thing when he sobers up and thinks I'm making it up, he has pushed me, come in drunk and woke me up by shouting when I'm saying nothingand tries to either drag me out of bed or take the blankets from me so he can get an argument out of me, I'm mentally exhausted from him. He often blames me for his reason for drinking as I nag to much or try to control him by telling him not to drink but I know that's BS it's not my fault at all.
He doesn't drink everyday but when he starts he can't stop, it can go on for days and he has barely any sleep in between these binge sessions and I have full on anxiety thinking about what he will be like when he gets home.
We have his son stay with us at the weekend and his son is now 10 and is more aware of what his dad is doing, luckily he has not seen what he is like to the full extent but he has seen enough to know that his dads horrible drunk. I told my partner to never drink again when his son was here and he did stop for a while but today my partner has been out drinking all afternoon and I have had his son and now the selfish bastard has gone back out to continue his drinking session until the early hours and more than likely the whole of tomorrow day too. My step son even said to me this evening my dad's getting drunk isn't he? and I couldn't even lie and just agreed with him bit told him we would have a nice evening without him instead. Maybe that was wrong of me and I should have covered for him but my step son isn't stupid.

My step sons mum is very aware of what his dad's like when he drinks too.
I'm at a point where I don't even want to be with him. I recently started a new job and have a lot more confidence and now know I am better than this. My only worry if I leave is I can't afford anywhere on my own plus I have no savings. I will also miss my step son terribly as I know I wouldn't be able to see him again and that breaks my heart.
Has anyone been in a simular situation?

I'm glad you have realised that you deserve better and his blame on you is baseless.

Did your company have HR department you could confide in or a good line manager? Perhaps for financial support via a work loan to move or just emotional support whilst dealing with the emotional fall out.

When he is sober what does he say about thehorrible messages he has been sending? Does he still blame you when he is sober?

He's normally a nice guy sober. Very lazy and doesn't do much round the house unless I give him some jobs but not abusive.
He very rarely says sorry. He might say sorry if he's hungover but if I want to talk about it he doesn't want to know and if I bring it up when he's not hungover he's sick of hearing me repeat myself

I hear you on the sound of a can opening. It fills me with dread 🙁

Isn't it the worst sound, I can even hear it when I'm upstairs.

I’ve been where you are. It is hell. He’ll blame you, the cat, God, or the fact there’s a y in the day for his drinking —- everyone is to blame but him.
I offered to pay for The Priory, holiday of a lifetime afterwards if he’d just stop drinking. He didn’t.
He started to threaten me and when I withdrew from enabling him — refused to buy drink, drive him to buy drink, clean up after him etc… he became really nasty, the threats of rape and making my life so miserable I’d rather be dead became too real. I left. Best thing I ever did.
Start getting things ready to leave. Do NOT tell him, DV agencies will tell you leaving with his knowledge is dangerous. Get out, get a solicitor and sort everything afterwards. Tell the boy’s mum that he should be kept away from his dad and you will inform SS if he’s not. This is for he boy’s safety, not out of nastiness. Good Luck.

Oh maytodecember that sounds horrific, so glad you got out of the situation and I hope you are having the best life now.
My step sons mum has just picked him up and I have had a conversation with her and told her what's been going on. I'm sure my step son will also tell her too so it's in her hands now but I am so relieved he has gone as its one less worry for when he comes back drunk later.
I'm not going to tell him, I think I will just try and keep myself busy and out of his way until he goes back to work. I'm definitely going to leave soon. I deserve more than this and I want a home that I can feel settled and safe in.

hes normally a nice guy sober.

you’ve got that wrong I’m afraid, the guy you see when he is drunk, the abusive, argumentative, spiteful, dirty person is the real person, the alcohol removes the need for him to wear the mr nice guy mask he wears when he is sober. The fact that he can sometimes be nice when he is sober ( but still chooses to drink and be his obnoxious self with you) is neither here nor there. I am willing to bet he wears his sober mr nice mask at work, or with people he is trying to impress.

Oh yes viques. He is the nicest person to his work mates and drinking buddies. Apart from the few that know me well, the rest of his friends think I'm a control freak and do not like me as they think I don't like him going out and want me with me all the time. I couldn't care less if he went out and could come back and behave like a normal person but the amount of disruption it causes with him wrecking the house, shouting and being abusive to me is more than I'm willing to cope with now.

I was in a similar situation years ago ( no children involved though) and I can honestly say that leaving my drunken, narcissistic ex was the absolute best thing I ever did. Please, please leave him trust me he'll never change. I just rented a room until I was sorted, honestly I would have lived in a tent if it meant getting away from him. I'm now married to a wonderful man and we have a beautiful son. Please don't waste anymore of your precious time/life on this vile man.

It's awful! I'm so glad you got out of that situation and I'm so glad you are happy now.
He is back now, I'm glad I was upstairs. I heard the clunk of cans being put down on the kitchen counter and him yelling upstairs 'oi come here' like I'm some dog.
I've just stayed up stairs. Hopefully he will pass out on the sofa but I've never know anyone who can drink so much and stay awake for days like a zombie.

Do you have any friends or family you could stay with for a bit? I rented a room at my Aunties until I was back on my feet. I so desperately hope you get this sorted and are able to leave. If you don't want the confrontation maybe do what I did I literally just packed my stuff (took only the important stuff and just left the rest) and left while he was out. I will have everything crossed that you get away from him.

Not really, I have a small circle of close friends but there houses are cramped enough. My mums health isn't the best so I don't want to worry her with this.
He came upstairs and didn't say anything and just crashed out. I'm shocked he made it up the stairs the state of him. At least I know I have a peaceful night now as I have come downstairs to try and relax after the shittest weekend.

Hi iwanttobehappy111 I haven’t any advice just wanted to show some support, I am going through something very similar and know how hard it can be, the behavior you described from him sounds exactly the same as what I put up with, feel for you and your situation.
I hope you get yourself sorted and manage to get out, good luck x

Pennywalks, I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this too.
As someone who knows what it's like, if you ever need a rant, please feel free to message me.
This morning he said you hate me don't you, that's his way of saying sorry but its a poor attempt. I'm glad I'm at work today.