Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you say things like this when you don't mean them?

46 replies

MolliciousIntent · 23/07/2022 21:43

Weird musing, would like input from the hive mind...

Today both toddler and baby DD were ill, nothing sinister or scary just your bog standard "cough til you vomit and feel like a furnace" kiddy bug. DH had his standard all day team sport fixture, which happens every Saturday, so it was just me with the littles which was fine, we watched Encanto 3 times and had lots of cuddles. Anyway he got home at 8ish (just in time to help me change the sheets on DD1s bed as she'd been sick again) and we sat down to dinner (with baby DD2 still awake). When we'd finished eating, I said "if you fancy popping up to the club for a drink, I don't mind".

BUT I DO MIND. Why did I say that?! He hadn't even suggested that he go back out (he didn't want to, is still at home) and I really didn't want him to go back out. So why the fuck did I say I wouldn't mind!?

I do this all the time. I tell him I'd be fine if he did XYZ (never anything rogue, just standard stuff) when in reality it would be a pain in the bum, or I just don't want him to, or whatever. It's not like I'm doing it to set him up, either, because I'm not pass agg about it afterwards, and it's not point scoring because he's more than fantastic about ringfencing my time to myself, so WTF am I doing!?

Anyone else do this? Is it a hangover from my "cool girl" phase in my teens?

OP posts:
SummerIsComingNowish · 23/07/2022 21:45

I can relate to this and I liked being the 'cool wife'

HeadNorth · 23/07/2022 21:51

When my waters broke with my third child, I phoned my DH and told him there was no rush, so he may as well go to the gym as planned on his way back from work. WTF?! Fortunately he had more sense than me and came straight home. Yes, there was plenty of time, but who would go to the gym when their wife was in labour?

in my case I think it is because I really want to be independent and not needy, I really value my own space, but obviously I can take it too far. My DH is more measured and sensible, thank goodness.

Original poster
MolliciousIntent · 23/07/2022 21:53

HeadNorth · 23/07/2022 21:51

When my waters broke with my third child, I phoned my DH and told him there was no rush, so he may as well go to the gym as planned on his way back from work. WTF?! Fortunately he had more sense than me and came straight home. Yes, there was plenty of time, but who would go to the gym when their wife was in labour?

in my case I think it is because I really want to be independent and not needy, I really value my own space, but obviously I can take it too far. My DH is more measured and sensible, thank goodness.

Oh my god I can 100% see myself doing that.

OP posts:
alnawire · 23/07/2022 21:55

No, I don't do it. I'm autistic though and very clear with my communication. I would never say something I don't mean with the expectation the other person would understand and react as I wanted them to.

NothingIsWrong · 23/07/2022 21:55

I do this because I can't bear to be seen as relying on him for anything.

PetalParty · 23/07/2022 22:01

It may be part of a people pleasing tendency.
It could also be a discomfort with appearing needy.
Sometimes related to a history of not getting much help with anything and not knowing or having an experience of how to behave when someone makes themselves available to you… perhaps deeper feelings of guilt or not feeling good enough, sometimes instilled by inadequate parents or previous partners.

WidgetDigit2022 · 23/07/2022 22:04

Nope, can't relate. And I was definitely sulk if OH said he wanted to go out after being out all day and the children were ill.

Do you tend to put everyone's feelings and needs above your own, or just with DH?

Are you equally balanced or is there a power divide?

Sounds like you need to learn to slow down and think before you speak, so you can stop yourself next time you say something to your own detriment

Original poster
MolliciousIntent · 23/07/2022 22:10

@WidgetDigit2022 We are very equally balanced. Im the breadwinner and he keeps the house and kids in one piece, it's a pretty much perfectly balanced operation.

I guess yes I do tend to put people's feelings above my own, in general, but it doesn't usually have a huge impact on me.

@PetalParty I think people pleaser is right, but I think it's much more inherent than parents or partners, no one's ever been in any way inadequate and I've been like this honestly from a very small child.

@NothingIsWrong I think it is partially that, but maybe more so that I don't want to be holding him back at all. I don't want to be the reason he isn't having fun.

OP posts:
HMSSophia · 23/07/2022 22:26

Is it that you want or need the reassurance of him replying "no, I want to stay here with you"? It's like a test, risk taking - and one with an emotional payoff

HeadNorth · 23/07/2022 22:28

NothingIsWrong · 23/07/2022 21:55

I do this because I can't bear to be seen as relying on him for anything.

Yes, that is the reason for me. We have been together 30 years, of course I am massively emotionally reliant on him. But obviously in denial Grin

Watchkeys · 23/07/2022 22:35

I'd guess that during your childhood, supporting a parent was more important than expressing your own feelings. Am I miles off the mark?

shedwithivy · 23/07/2022 22:36

HMSSophia · 23/07/2022 22:26

Is it that you want or need the reassurance of him replying "no, I want to stay here with you"? It's like a test, risk taking - and one with an emotional payoff

Hmm, perceptive, I wonder if I might have a tendency to this fishing test sometimes

NothingIsWrong · 23/07/2022 22:40

Watchkeys · 23/07/2022 22:35

I'd guess that during your childhood, supporting a parent was more important than expressing your own feelings. Am I miles off the mark?

For me it was having to be almost a surrogate parent - eldest of 3, by quite a few years - had to collect primary aged siblings from school from age 14. I remember not being able to play tennis for school because of this. Mum was full time employed single parent

Amalgamation · 23/07/2022 22:41

Anyone else do this? Is it a hangover from my "cool girl" phase in my teens?

Probably Grin the older I've gotten though the more I feel like this gets a bad name. Nowt wrong with being the 'cool girl' if you have a 'cool boy' who gives you similar coolness and, maybe most importantly, appreciates it.

Blue4YOU · 23/07/2022 22:43

Nope. I’m more likely to tell him he should have been home for once to give me some rest. He wouldn’t listen but still

HeadNorth · 23/07/2022 22:45

HMSSophia · 23/07/2022 22:26

Is it that you want or need the reassurance of him replying "no, I want to stay here with you"? It's like a test, risk taking - and one with an emotional payoff

Oh you’re good. Nail on head I suspect and fortunately DH has always passed the test I didn’t realise I was setting.

Daisy4569 · 23/07/2022 22:46

I do this all of the time. A mixture of not wanting him to feel like he’s missing out on anything, wanting to believe I can do everything myself and just being too nice I think

willyouwontyoubemine · 23/07/2022 22:48

"DH had his standard all day team sport fixture, which happens every Saturday"

It sounds like your relationship is very unbalanced, unless Sunday is your day for your all day doing something for yourself day?

SummerL0ving · 23/07/2022 22:55

I have a tendency to do this too. Not all the time but a lot.

I think for me, I don't like other people making a big issue out of things when they're easily sorted. Like if someone smashes a glass or spills a drink, some people might shout but I'm always like 'it's fine. We'll sort it'.

I'd probably say the same thing about going to the club too if I was you. I like making the people I love happy and sometimes I will sacrifice my own happiness without thinking.

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing OP. It's love and loyalty. Make sure you think about yourself too but don't stop being loving.

Original poster
MolliciousIntent · 23/07/2022 23:01

willyouwontyoubemine · 23/07/2022 22:48

"DH had his standard all day team sport fixture, which happens every Saturday"

It sounds like your relationship is very unbalanced, unless Sunday is your day for your all day doing something for yourself day?

As I'm currently breastfeeding a small child, I don't get a full day to myself, but I get several chunks throughout the week, yes. We're not in the habit of tallying how many child-free minutes we each get - i know people make a huge fuss about "equal free time" on MN but in reality, in decent relationships, it's understood that "fair share" is counted over years, not weeks. My time for weekends off will come in a few years. His hobby is something he's been doing since he was our children's age, it is incredibly important to him and I'm genuinely happy to facilitate him doing it. It's only a few months of the year, and he's a SAHP so I understand how important it is for him to have something outside the home and the family.

OP posts:
Original poster
MolliciousIntent · 23/07/2022 23:03

Watchkeys · 23/07/2022 22:35

I'd guess that during your childhood, supporting a parent was more important than expressing your own feelings. Am I miles off the mark?

Maybe subconsciously? My mum was sick when I was a preteen, but both my parents put a huge emphasis on my sister and I being able to feel what we were feeling and talk to them about it - there was certainly no external pressure to suppress my emotions.

OP posts:
Catlover1970 · 23/07/2022 23:05

Sorry I can’t relate. If my hubby has been out all day I think he might feel I didn’t want him around if I suggested he go out again!!!!

WidgetDigit2022 · 23/07/2022 23:23

MolliciousIntent · 23/07/2022 23:01

As I'm currently breastfeeding a small child, I don't get a full day to myself, but I get several chunks throughout the week, yes. We're not in the habit of tallying how many child-free minutes we each get - i know people make a huge fuss about "equal free time" on MN but in reality, in decent relationships, it's understood that "fair share" is counted over years, not weeks. My time for weekends off will come in a few years. His hobby is something he's been doing since he was our children's age, it is incredibly important to him and I'm genuinely happy to facilitate him doing it. It's only a few months of the year, and he's a SAHP so I understand how important it is for him to have something outside the home and the family.

Show quote history

This just sounds like a whole load of excuses if I'm honest.

My partner has just recently stopped a full day at the weekend hobby. We've been together over 10 years and I've always hated it. Before and after kids. Because it messes with our plans to see friends. It leaves me alone to have to parent solo every. single. Sunday.

You may think it's petty to want equal alone time but actually it's about respect. Respecting each other and the family unit.

I breastfeed a young child too and it doesn't hold you back from alone time unless they're under 6 months.

From your OP, and your subsequent responses, it sounds like you have a big communication issue going on in your relationship. You don't feel able to tell him how you feel "I'm sorry DP, I actually don't want you going out tonight as I'm lonely and DC are ill so I need help". That's a perfectly normal thing to say. Even when you asked him if he wanted to go out then realised you didn't want him to, you still didn't tell him you were glad he didn't as you need him at home.

Why don't you feel comfortable to say how you truly feel? Why do you feel the need to please him constantly? What would happen if you were honest and communicated your vulnerabilities directly?

Original poster
MolliciousIntent · 24/07/2022 08:15

WidgetDigit2022 · 23/07/2022 23:23

This just sounds like a whole load of excuses if I'm honest.

My partner has just recently stopped a full day at the weekend hobby. We've been together over 10 years and I've always hated it. Before and after kids. Because it messes with our plans to see friends. It leaves me alone to have to parent solo every. single. Sunday.

You may think it's petty to want equal alone time but actually it's about respect. Respecting each other and the family unit.

I breastfeed a young child too and it doesn't hold you back from alone time unless they're under 6 months.

From your OP, and your subsequent responses, it sounds like you have a big communication issue going on in your relationship. You don't feel able to tell him how you feel "I'm sorry DP, I actually don't want you going out tonight as I'm lonely and DC are ill so I need help". That's a perfectly normal thing to say. Even when you asked him if he wanted to go out then realised you didn't want him to, you still didn't tell him you were glad he didn't as you need him at home.

Why don't you feel comfortable to say how you truly feel? Why do you feel the need to please him constantly? What would happen if you were honest and communicated your vulnerabilities directly?

Show quote history

I think you're projecting your own experiences here. you hated your husband's hobby, l don't - it's usually something we get the kids involved in but obviously not when they're sick. You were comfortable leaving your breastfed babies all day, I'm not.

I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that there are no issues with respect in our house. I get alone time multiple times a week, I just don't get whole days at a time, because I have a baby who needs me every couple of hours. I don't have a problem with that.

I really think this is a "me problem" not a relationship problem, to be honest.

OP posts:
willyouwontyoubemine · 24/07/2022 08:59

You sound really defensive, op, I honestly don't know why you started the thread.

Unless you wanted 'cool girl' praise from us.

Quite sad, really.

Swipe left for the next trending thread