Do you say things like this when you don't mean them?

[MolliciousIntent]

Weird musing, would like input from the hive mind...

Today both toddler and baby DD were ill, nothing sinister or scary just your bog standard "cough til you vomit and feel like a furnace" kiddy bug. DH had his standard all day team sport fixture, which happens every Saturday, so it was just me with the littles which was fine, we watched Encanto 3 times and had lots of cuddles. Anyway he got home at 8ish (just in time to help me change the sheets on DD1s bed as she'd been sick again) and we sat down to dinner (with baby DD2 still awake). When we'd finished eating, I said "if you fancy popping up to the club for a drink, I don't mind".

BUT I DO MIND. Why did I say that?! He hadn't even suggested that he go back out (he didn't want to, is still at home) and I really didn't want him to go back out. So why the fuck did I say I wouldn't mind!?

I do this all the time. I tell him I'd be fine if he did XYZ (never anything rogue, just standard stuff) when in reality it would be a pain in the bum, or I just don't want him to, or whatever. It's not like I'm doing it to set him up, either, because I'm not pass agg about it afterwards, and it's not point scoring because he's more than fantastic about ringfencing my time to myself, so WTF am I doing!?

Anyone else do this? Is it a hangover from my "cool girl" phase in my teens?

You don’t sound defensive at all OP. I think some posters are reading a different thread.

as for why you do it? No idea, try and stop or talk to your husband about it maybe 😂

I'm defensive because it feels like certain posters are trying to turn this into something my husband is doing wrong, a subtle sign that I'm being mistreated in my relationship. Which couldn't be further from the truth.

What was it like for you when your Mum was sick? Did the focus move from you and your sister being encouraged to express yourselves, to 'Best be good, girls, we've got a lot on our plate as a family, what with Mum being poorly' etc?

It doesn't have to be poor parenting that causes it... no parent is perfect for their child at all times throughout their childhood. Did you find yourself thinking 'I'd best not bring up my emotional issue right now, now whilst Mum isn't well' for a while? It doesn't take long to build a lifelong habit, as all smokers know!

To be honest, my parents never did the whole "mum's unwell so best behaviour" thing - the only thing that happened that we were told was because of Mum being sick was our summer holiday was cancelled, but we were still allowed to be upset by it.

I definitely felt like I couldn't express my upset to my parents because it was a hard time for them, but that came from me, not from them, and I did have other family members I was able to talk honestly to. I have a history of MH issues that were retrospectively latent from the age of about 5, but they definitely crystallised during this period of time.

I think a lot of this comes from my wish for my husband to have everything he wants and needs. I want him to have fun, to not feel hemmed in by family life all the time - you read so much on here about how difficult and isolating being a SAHP is, how undervalued it often is by the breadwinner, and I'm very conscious of not falling into that trap.

Just sounds like bog standard dick pandering to me.

His job is just a red herring, if he worked long hours out of the house I expect you'd be exactly the same.

Is him being a SAHP very helpful to you, or other things he does? It could be that you want to ensure things carry on in a way you want them to. I personally wouldn't want a partner to be a SAHD but that's a separate issue maybe (but feel free to go into it if you want.)

Otherwise, it does sound like pickmesha-izing. It's ok to have your own wants and needs.

Could it be that as you've had MH problems in the past, you fear he might leave if things aren't as much how he likes them as possible? I imagine a lot of people with MH problems recognize how these could've been difficult for their partner at certain points, so they try and make things as fun as possible for their partner the rest of the time. I have MH problems and imagine I might do that.

I’m a terrible people pleaser, anxious and have BPD! This means I will encourage my partner to go out, get extra sleep, etc, whilst putting my needs second. Then I hit a point where I get burned out and emotionally explode. I’m not suggesting you have MH problems at all! I’m just saying I am guilty of the people pleasing. It’s a very hard habit to get out of

@Watchkeys - I can often display the same behaviour that the OP is describing and in my case, supporting a parent was 100% more important than expressing my own feelings when I was growing up.

DH and I have busy jobs and, after reading your message, I’m reflecting on how many times I may have discouraged them from expressing feelings as we ‘have a lot on’ (or variations on that theme).

Food for thought… thank you.

This seems really unnecessarily nasty. Regardless of his job, why is it a bad thing to want him to be happy and enjoy time to himself? He does the same for me.

I can be like this @MolliciousIntent and I think for me it was because I saw my mum act kind of like a (in my parent's case, psychiatric) nurse or whatever to my dad.

So I grew up seeing a woman's role in a relationship being to support her partner in a way that was kind of excessive.

Maybe as your mum was ill you saw your dad supporting her in a very full-on way? Or one of your parents was like that?

For me it's made it harder for me to get out of situations where I should've drawn the line much earlier, because I felt I had to be all-supportive, all-giving etc.

Whatever the cause, you can decide to turn it around and make new habits (there might be ways of getting help to do so if you need it.)

Regardless of his job, why is it a bad thing to want him to be happy and enjoy time to himself? He does the same for me.

So is this thread like a humblebrag? 'Oh I'm so selfless and giving to my husband.'

Either that or you must know it's not quite right- or you wouldn'tve made a thread.

What would happen if you said, I'd rather you didn't go this time?

Saying things you don't really mean is a type of dishonesty.

It sounds like you’re trying to keep him sweet, appeasing him in advance by offering what you think he might want before he asks for it or suggests it. Which makes me think that if he did ask and you didn’t want him to, you’d feel so uncomfortable saying no that it’s better to offer. Because you would feel so bad at not prioritising his wants over your needs - you see him as more deserving and important than you are.

He'd say "ok that's fine" and wouldn't go. When I've actively needed him to ditch social stuff, he has done without complaint every time. It's just times like last night when I'd prefer he didn't but don't have an actual need for him to stay home that I do the thing.

Oh gosh I think I do this 😂

Why are people being dicks to the OP?

Man works and earns all the money and wants his wife to stay home instead of seeing her friends? Controlling.
Woman works and earns all the money and doesn't mind her husband going and seeing his friends? Mug.

It's ridiculous. Men aren't all bad.

OP, going back to the point of the thread, I do it too and I piss myself off every single time.

No one is being a dick, the OP wanted to know what people think. She sounds subservient to me. I've shared my opinion as she asked me to.

I don’t think the OP sounds subservient and I don’t consider myself to be. For me I think it is an excessive desire to demonstrate my independence and ability to cope alone, to myself as much as to DH.

Parallel conceptual question - can one still be subservient if one has full control of family finances?

Sounds like people pleasing/fawning as a trauma response. Check out Nicole Sachs on Instagram, or her podcast. She covers loads of this kind of thing!

I think you're getting to the reason when you mention you had no problem asking him when you had a need but don't really ask when you don't feel you have a need.

How do you feel about asking for what you want?

This might be an area worth working on with a counselor if it bothers you.