I'm so damn stupid...

[thegreenestbear]

I don't need any responses, just need somewhere to vent.

Honestly, I am so stupid it makes me sick. Yet another 'relationship' has crashed an burned, leaving me feeling upset, confused and used. I just don;t know what is wrong with me.

I see the red flags and i don't ignore them, I just make excuses for them over and over again. They all start off keen enough, then it all dwindles and end up just being used for sex, there's no emotion or intimacy but I convince myself I'm okay with this. But I absolutely am not.

This last one - six months, went on a mini break last weekend which I organised 100%. I paid for most of it too. I could tell his interest was fading so gave him numerous chances to get out of it but he kept saying he wanted to go and we'd have a great time.

We did not have a great time. Well, he did as we did all that he wanted to do, but I just carried along with what he wanted. Since we'e been back contact has reduced to about 10% of what I'm used to. I try to match what he does and don't double text; I try to keep it light and not be needy, but I just want to call him on it.

How dare he behave like this?

But then all my relationships end this way - for the record I am not needy or clingy, I just want consistency and honesty but clearly that's too much to hope for.

I am so bloody annoyed with myself that I'm feeling this way again - what do men in their 50s want? Because a financially secure, no difficult ex, grown up children, career sorted, own house, reasonably in shape/attractive, likes sex, not materialistic at all woman of 53 doesn't seem to be a particularly valuable commodity.

Arghhh - thank you if you've read this far xx

Maybe you need a break from dating? It sounds like you probably always put the other person first so try doing some stuff just for you, something you've always wanted to do.

You probably aren't wrong, but I have no hobbies or friends nearby, and my children are 250+ miles away so I don't have a lot going on - but I'm okay with that, I am a little bit of a loner and like my own time, but I want to give 100% when I am seeing someone - if it's only half hearted, what's the point?

I guess I'm just so surprised to be treated this way - I'd never treat a man like this. If I was less interested I'd let him down gently, not give ridiculous mixed messages and breadcrumbs x

You sound amazing. You have standards is all, don't lose that. You're right, how dare he treat you like that? So don't let him.

You have decent standards, just trust them enough to know when to walk away. Always match their effort and invest no more and make them work for you. TBH most men in their 50's essentially want their mum back, someone to cook and clean for them.

Invest time in yourself and do things you have always wanted to do.

I don't even think it's an age thing I've felt like this all my life. I've always been self sufficient , make every effort in my appearance , treat people how I'd want to be treated et etc etc only to be shat on at every turn
Honestly if I hadn't overlooked so many red flags I would have been single my entire life
Divorcing now at 38 and think I'm absolutely done

You ask what a man in his 50s wants, what do YOU want? You sound great, too great to focus on fitting what men want. I’m not sure when the holiday was booked and paid for by yourself, if early in the relationship perhaps he was still on his best behaviour and if later, when his attention was waning, he didn’t deserve a paid holiday with you. I genuinely don’t mean this rudely, it just feels like you are playing a supporting role in your own life. I hope things improve for you and you meet the people - romantic or friendships - you deserve.

Hmm, a similar thing happened to me recently, but these things happen and while you don't have much baggage yourself, a lot of men in their 50's do. Never go on a trip at a time when things are dwindling, and probably best to let them suggest it I've found. Perhaps work out if being a loner makes you happy really? Giving 100% is giving too much, nobody balanced can match up to that. Maybe develop some friendships and doing some hobbies is the way forward - otherwise what do you have to talk about?

I guess I'm just so surprised to be treated this way - I'd never treat a man like this

It's a mistake to expect that everybody will behave to the same standards as you. Expect nothing, and discard people who don't treat you the way you like. Don't bother with disappointment or feeling 'let down'. Lots of people are crappy. But then lots of people are lovely too. Just keep filtering, and stop having a go at yourself because someone else was horrible.

I’m a 50 something man, and you don’t sound stupid at all, in fact you sound like a catch.
im seeing someone our age, but she has full life with adult children, friends, hobbies, work, (as I do), so we definitely don’t give each other 100%, and that really works, as both of us know that if one is busy the other will have something to fill their time ( I know that sounds awful), but you sound a bit passive in this relationship, if you need more from him I think you need to call this, not just match him with light texts

You're not stupid....the m n are just running game on you.

Pretending to be falling for 6 months to get a little parenting and sex. Then swiftly repeating the game for another 6 months.

Go younger and handsomer...

Why have you started a new thread? What didn't you like about the replies on your other thread??

No offense meant to the man who has commented, but there's usually a reason a man in his 50s is available, and it looks as if you have found this to be the case.

I agree that giving a relationship 100% isn't the best approach all the same. Parcel yourself out sparingly. Don't be available all the time. Make it clear that you have other stuff going on in your life and that if a man wants to move up in the pecking order he needs to impress you.

I do think that booking a mini break at the 6 month stage (when was it booked and paid for - a few weeks before the 6 month point?) smacks somewhat of neediness. Its as if you are trying to impress a man. Wait for the man to impress you.

What red flags have you blown past previously?

The trick is to try and learn from the experiences rather than repeating them. I found the Freedom Programme helpful.

I hope not to let myself be used again; they won't get sex out of me, so that should stop the users wasting their time.

There are a lot of arsehole men unfortunately; bin them when they show their true colours.

It sounds like you tried to be/do everything he wanted. That's a recipe to be walked all over and disrespected. Be more of your own person and make that clear. Make sure a relationship is satisfying you, too.

What on earth are you talking about? First thread I've posted for months, you weirdo.

I'd already planned a solo break, he asked to join in. I so wish I'd said no...

Red flags - no relationship history, no meeting family, no compliments at all, no compromising to what I wanted to do.

I'm annoyed with myself, I can see it all so clearly in hindsight.

I think the key to happiness lies within this post.

I'm 47. My boyfriend is 58 and, apart from the obvious physical effects of time, he's not an old man and he certainly isn't looking for a replacement other or someone to cook akd clean for him!

We both have hobbies and other interests and friends we see together and separately. Mutual friends and friends we've introduced each other too. We do a hobby together weekly and each have another that we do separately

Focus on yourself, take up hobbies, meet new people, make new friends, do stuff on your own. Take yourself away for the weekend! In essence, date yourself for a while. Treat yourself the way you're treating these men.

I have a friend who is a complete people pleaser and she knows it. She always goes above and beyond in relationships and ends up being taken advantage of. She also decided to take 6 months out from dating and dated herself- weekends away, lunch dates, theatre trips etc. She's now met a lovely woman who is nothing like her exes and she seems really happy. Once she started to value herself more, she stopped prioritising the other person all the time and so stopped attracting women who were taking advantage of her or was, at least, quicker to walk away from behaviours that didn't value and respect her.

I think soon as you feel their interest is waning, that's when to cut it off. Don't let things drag out longer. You felt he wasn't so interested before the break so you should of gone alone.
You know when a man is into you so don't accept anything less than him putting in the effort you deserve.

There will be 'cool' couples that are happy with contact once in a blue moon because they are so busy busy with other things in their life. If you're looking for more commitment in your relationship, there is nothing wrong with that.

To the poster who said there's a reason why a man in his 50s is single, what about the women. Its an unfair comment. Death and divorce happen to good people too.

OP, nothing's stopping you from changing now. Like you said, you know the flags, so you're a good way there, it's "just" your response that needs adjusting. That's a big thing, but achievable.

I'm sorry to hear you're having a shit time dating. I'm certainly no one to give advice of dating or anything like that, my own love life is non existent. Maybe take a break from it for a while. There will be the right guy out there for you, you're just going going needs to wade through a lot of shitty men to get to him!

@mathanxiety

No offense meant to the man who has commented, but there's usually a reason a man in his 50s is available, and it looks as if you have found this to be the case.

not meaning to cause offence, but not women are lovely people, and just sometimes it’s the man who ends the relationship

Hi OP, you sound really, really lovely. My only suggestion is to cut them off as soon as you suspect the interest is fading - trust your gut feeling. Be bolder and put yourself first and let them go whenever there is a red flag. You want someone who is committed and you deserve no less.

@Joey69
Yes, sometimes that's the case. But the OP has spoken of several relationships which have crashed and burned, all sorts of red flags she has ignored. I suspect the men she's been dating haven't change the habits that have left them single in their fifties.

The fact that you bring up ‘not materialistic’ as one of your positive traits sounds like you will be doing the following

a) pursuing men to show that you like to make the first move
b) arrange dates and organise them
c) fall over yourself to pay for yourself because you aren’t ‘materialistic’

All of these things run the risk of attracting the following

a) men who aren’t interested in you
b) men who have no interest in dating you, impressing you and going out and doing nice things with you
c) men who see your ‘independence’ as desperate and needy and take advantage.

I suspect this has been the case.

Even though it’s hard and may contravene your personality type, do the following.

• only match with men who genuinely impress you. No settling or ‘I’ll give him a chance’
• let then arrange the date. a proper date. not a walk in a park.
• hold off sex.

And if you’re going to let men steer things as casual- date hot twenty somethings. In fact, just date hot twenty somethings full stop 😂

...there's no emotion or intimacy...

I try to match what he does and don't double text; I try to keep it light and not be needy

Building emotional intimacy requires being vulnerable and honest about what you need in a relationship. This can be done with a light touch. Everyone has needs in relationships, do you know what yours are? If you put energy into trying to act like you have no needs you will attract takers who are more interested in what they can get from you than who you are, and anyone who truly wants to get to know you isn't being given the chance. A great book on all of this is 'Attached: The New Science of Adult Atrachment'.