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Original poster

Thoughts on This?

36 replies

IronChef · 23/07/2022 18:09

Hi all, been OLD for a while since I left my marriage. Usually don't question myself about red flags etc but my current guy is throwing my radar off a bit. Wondered if I could gather some MN thoughts on something that's popped up.

For context I've seen him for about 4-5 dates now, he's ok, seems a decent guy, no glaring red flags so far (a few things which have made me wonder if we are very compatible, but I've dismissed them so far as I'm not looking for anything serious anyway). He's generally thoughtful and kind, makes me laugh, seems to be all good stuff etc, but it's only been a few dates so jury's definitely still out for me on if I want to take things any further either physically or romantically just yet.

He fancies himself as a bit of a chef so has offered to cook for me tonight. A few days ago he'd checked what I might want to eat, and suggested I come round between 6-7. I texted earlier to find out his address, I've been round before but with him giving directions so wasn't exactly sure where to go. He only just replied about 5.45 and said he's out with friends so me getting there 6.30-7 should be good. I'm a bit bemused about this because if I had planned a date and told someone to arrive between '6-7' I'd make sure I was home, getting ready, tidying up and maybe prepping the food or whatever and ready by 6.

I don't know if I'm just being uptight but my initial reaction was an instant lack of enthusiasm and thinking 'well sod off and stay out with your friends then if our plan is not that important'. I will say I'm always quite punctual so if someone says 6-7, my head goes ok got to be there for 6 - which I know isn't necessarily what that means! I was planning to get there for about 6.30 anyway after picking up wine or something. Now I'm wondering if to even bother going at all.

What would you think, is he just treating me as casually as I view him, and rightfully prioritising his friends, or would you think fuck it, red flag if he can't be arsed to be at home for the time he originally suggested and is too last minute suggesting a bit of a later time?

OP posts:
Runningupthathill01 · 23/07/2022 18:12

Ask him what’s for dinner? To check he is actually cooking.

Original poster
IronChef · 23/07/2022 18:15

He told me the other day what he'll be cooking. But I doubt anything is cooking right now if he's out with friends!

OP posts:
Natty13 · 23/07/2022 18:31

This wouldn't bother me at all, I think you are looking for problems where there are none.

Maybe he keeps his house tidy in general and it didn't need going over before having a guest, maybe he tidied up this morning.

When DH and I were dating and he came round for dinner or vice versa it was normal for the one cooking to cook the actual meal after the other person had arrived. It depends what you are cooking...some things should be in the oven or ready to go in the oven before enough get there, others can be pre prepped and prepared while you sit with a glass of wine talking. I'd find it off putting if I arrived for dinner at someone's house and we ate immediately after I arrived with no drink nor charge first.

AMindNeedsBooks · 23/07/2022 18:36

Natty13 · 23/07/2022 18:31

This wouldn't bother me at all, I think you are looking for problems where there are none.

Maybe he keeps his house tidy in general and it didn't need going over before having a guest, maybe he tidied up this morning.

When DH and I were dating and he came round for dinner or vice versa it was normal for the one cooking to cook the actual meal after the other person had arrived. It depends what you are cooking...some things should be in the oven or ready to go in the oven before enough get there, others can be pre prepped and prepared while you sit with a glass of wine talking. I'd find it off putting if I arrived for dinner at someone's house and we ate immediately after I arrived with no drink nor charge first.

I agree with this.

However, the issue is other things are bothering you already. I know you say you're not looking for anything serious, but if you're already questioning things maybe it's best to leave it.

SpotlessMind88 · 23/07/2022 18:40

I wouldn't say it was a red flag. He might be super organised and cleaned the flat and prepped the food this morning so he could see his friends before you came over.
also he might of lost track of time while out with his friends and thought "i better text her to come at 6:30-7".
see how tonight goes, see if he made an effort or not.

Natty13 · 23/07/2022 18:43

No drink or chat that should say!

Original poster
IronChef · 23/07/2022 18:47

Thank you all! Its good to get some perspective. He texted me again at nearly 6.30 to say he's almost home and I can head over anytime. Possibly I'm self sabotaging here, or maybe just being too ultra cautious and guarded after my rubbish treatment from ex and dodgy dates that didn't go beyond a first or second. I'll head over shortly and see what tonight brings.

OP posts:
Original poster
IronChef · 23/07/2022 18:56

Thanks as well @AMindNeedsBooks, not ignoring your opinion. I don't know if I'm making a big deal over the other things I noticed too, or looking for issues. I'll give tonight a chance.

OP posts:
AMindNeedsBooks · 23/07/2022 18:59

IronChef · 23/07/2022 18:56

Thanks as well @AMindNeedsBooks, not ignoring your opinion. I don't know if I'm making a big deal over the other things I noticed too, or looking for issues. I'll give tonight a chance.

Hope you have a lovely evening!

Blofield · 23/07/2022 18:59

We have to at some point realise that how you behave and how you expect other to behave is never a good thing. You say if you had a date coming over you’d spend you time getting em ready etc which is fine for you but this man isn’t you and chose to spend his time with friends. You can’t expect a person to do what you think they should do

ImpartialMongoose · 23/07/2022 19:08

If a man that I was going to cook for had written this about me, I would be cancelling the date and blocking him. It seems very controlling of you to judge how he spends his time in the hours preceding your date, and expecting him to do exactly what you would do. He is a separate person to you and will do things in his own way. It's not a "red flag" that he isn't hoovering at 4.45, cleaning the sink at 5pm and chopping up onions at 5.15pm.

Aprilx · 23/07/2022 19:38

I like to be punctual too, but I would take between 6 and 7 to be well just that and I wouldn’t feel the need to turn up at 6pm. Now if it were me doing the entertaining tonight, I would be in getting myself ready, but I do not think it is remotely a red flag that somebody else would do something differently. I wouldn’t say he is prioritising friends either, he has two things on today, happening at different times, neither is a priority over the other.

OldFan · 23/07/2022 19:38

He said 6-7 and it was still between 6 and 7 so... Nothing wrong as far as I'm concerned. Let us know how it goes.

Original poster
IronChef · 23/07/2022 23:36

Thanks for your thoughts everyone.

As a pp seems to have an issue with me being controlling and 'judging' him, just thought I'd update to say I was definitely right to judge him and shouldn't have bothered going. If I'd invited someone over for 6-7, yes I'd be home doing whatever needing doing and others here might not, that's fair. I personally wouldn't have also made arrangements to see friends at a similar time that is likely to run into 'date time' and then text 15 mins before the suggested window of time to delay plans. That's not exactly the same as chopping onions 2 hours early or whatever. It is being out drinking with your mates, which I found out was actually a planned pub crawl. Maybe some will say I'm being controlling, but that is probably not an activity to be doing before getting dinner ready for a date. Turned up and he was wearing stained PJs and was very obviously drunk, not in a relaxed, tipsy way but in a stumbling around, burned himself on the oven kind of way. I'm all for being comfortable in your own home and having a few drinks with friends, but at such an early stage of seeing someone I would still hope for a little more effort than that - even if it's just casual dating. So I'm thinking my picker needs recalibrating and although none of it might be any kind of flags for some, they definitely were red for me and I should have taken note!

OP posts:
Noodlicious · 23/07/2022 23:43

I’m well out of the dating scene but I wouldn’t describe this as a red flag so much as just incompatibility. If someone invited me for dinner, unless it’s my BFF I’ve known for years or a family member, I don’t expect to turn up to a pissed person cooking for me having got back from a bender with his mates. Think he’s played this one badly and it’s just not a goer for you both. Sorry.

HollowTalk · 23/07/2022 23:48

Ugh that sounds horrible. How long did you have to stay for? I would've been tempted to do a runner!

Justcallmebebes · 24/07/2022 00:00

Oooh no OP. Your radar was spot on and he's definitely not a keeper and the stained pj's and being pissed would put me off him even being an amusing fuck buddy. Chuck him back

Runningupthathill01 · 24/07/2022 00:14

Not good. Did you stay for the food?

jetadore · 24/07/2022 08:12

Going back to this from your op after your update

Usually don't question myself about red flags etc but my current guy is throwing my radar off a bit.

Looks like your radar is fine and you’re right not to question yourself. Keep following your instincts and don’t listen to people on here who will tell you you’re wrong and give you a character assassination just for the sake of it.

ImpartialMongoose · 24/07/2022 08:32

Your update: he was on a planned dinner date with you, pissed and wearing stained PJs?! And you said he was thoughtful and kind and "seems to be all the good stuff"?! There would have been red flags from date 1 with a man like this, he wouldn't just go from your description of him to that disgusting creature overnight.

Original poster
IronChef · 24/07/2022 08:32

Thanks @jetadore yeah looks like I shouldn't have guessed myself and skipped any more dates after the first couple of things I was iffy about.

I stayed for a little bit and had some of the food just out of manners but it was really awkward. Food was ok, to give him some credit it was way better than I could have cooked after being sloshed! But not a guy I'll be seeing again.

OP posts:
Ladybug14 · 24/07/2022 08:38

I agree with you @ironchef. If I'd invited someone i didnt know that well, over between 6 and 7 I'd make sure I was there at 6 if not before. Drunk and stained PJs? 🤪

Ladybug14 · 24/07/2022 08:39

ImpartialMongoose · 24/07/2022 08:32

Your update: he was on a planned dinner date with you, pissed and wearing stained PJs?! And you said he was thoughtful and kind and "seems to be all the good stuff"?! There would have been red flags from date 1 with a man like this, he wouldn't just go from your description of him to that disgusting creature overnight.

Unless he was on best behaviour and the excess alcohol re-set him to his real self?

Rainbowqueeen · 24/07/2022 08:42

Good decision OP. This is what he’s like when he’s trying to impress you. What would he be like if you were exclusive?!?!

Original poster
IronChef · 24/07/2022 08:51

@ImpartialMongoose according to you I shouldn't have even been judging him anyway, so which is it - don't judge him, but also it's my fault because there were red flags I didn't see?! Of course someone can show you a persona of being nice, funny, decent etc for an hour or so on a few early dates and then let that slip when they think they can get away with it (or maybe in his case was too drunk to). Perhaps you have only been with dates/partners who have been ultra consistent from day 1 but that's not my experience, especially with OLD.

OP posts: