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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do you think this text was ok in the circumstances?

34 replies

Freup · 22/07/2022 16:53

I sent this to my ex who left me in pregnancy. The name Barry is randomly chosen. Does it sound fair and reasonable? I don’t want to not do right by my baby and as much as I can’t believe some of the things that went on and how he left me, I don’t want him to feel the door is shut on him for the sake of the baby. I’ve not heard from him since first trimester and I’m now towards end of my third. This was the last message I’d sent.

“Hi. Barry, we both feel aggrieved about things and we both made mistakes. I am truly sorry for my part in it all, I never meant to hurt you, I was struggling with your drinking and general behaviour. I could have done better though. I know I said sometimes I would report your drinking or when you were questioning me I asked you to leave and said i’d call police if you didn’t… that was wrong of me and I apologise. I was hormonal and worried and lashing out in panic, it’s no excuse but there’s a context. You also made mistakes and I’ve put them behind me for the sake of our baby. Is there a reason we can’t be pleasant to one another, if nothing else? I thought what we once shared was valued by us both and I did try my best to hold onto it but it was met with deaf ears in the end. Perhaps it never meant as much to you as to me. Regardless of the relationship, surely we can speak like adults about the baby? I wish you no ill will and want you to be part of our child’s life. I hope you’re ok.’

OP posts:
Freup · 22/07/2022 16:55

he wasn’t drinking and getting drunk everyday, just now and then and it increased in pregnancy. A couple of times he was blind drunk on a Tuesday night which worried me as he couldn’t recall us talking that night etc. It just generally got a bit more than usual but I may have blown it out of perspective, I think I was just keen for things like that to get less not more with a baby on the way

OP posts:
courtrai · 22/07/2022 16:56

Is this a follow on from previous posts?

Reference to his drinking and what it did or don't mean to him versus what it meant to you is pretty passive aggressive. Not sure it would be construed as constructive in the circumstances

Freup · 22/07/2022 16:57

@courtrai what do you mean? Sorry if I’m missing the point. The bit about drinking sounds passive aggressive?

OP posts:
ExtraOnion · 22/07/2022 16:57

Why are you sending any text?

if he wants a relationship with the baby, he’ll make the effort to have it one.

Shoxfordian · 22/07/2022 16:58

I wouldn’t bother if I were you

He doesn’t sound like someone you want in your lives

Fidgety31 · 22/07/2022 16:59

I think the last two sentences are ok

the rest is draggin up history and too emotional . Stick to looking forwards and just about the baby .
not looking back at your relationship and all the issues - they are no longer relevant

Watchkeys · 22/07/2022 16:59

Just sounds like you're making further digs at him, whilst saying you want things to be open and amicable. Not very nice, really.

Why not just say what you mean? If what you mean is that you want to leave the door open for him because you'd like the baby to have its father in its life, why are you raising old issues?

Freup · 22/07/2022 16:59

@ExtraOnion @Shoxfordian i just want to do all I can for the baby’s sake. Obviously the relationship is over but I want to make clear he’s welcome to talk about or see the baby etc. Just wanted to be nice I guess so I knew I had done what I could

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 22/07/2022 17:01

i just want to do all I can for the baby’s sake

Stop digging at its dad, then.

Freup · 22/07/2022 17:01

@Fidgety31 @Watchkeys ok that’s true. I referenced it as he hasn’t been in touch so I think I wanted to express that we had both made mistakes and could both move forward. I see what you mean though.

OP posts:
courtrai · 22/07/2022 17:01

If you've truly put something behind you then why highlight the previous negative behaviour in the text.

Like many absent 'dads' he's probably of the mindset that the baby doesn't need discussion until he/she actually arrives and this is an attempt to engage in a discussion about your relationship

girlmom21 · 22/07/2022 17:02

I don't know why you're apologising. Telling him to leave because he was drunk and acting like a twat wasn't something you did because you were hormonal.

Honestly it sounds like you want him back and want to continue punishing him. It doesn't sound like it's behind you at all.

A better option would be "Hey Barry,
I hope you're keeping well.
I'm not sure whether you've managed to keep track very well but baby's due in a couple of weeks and I wondered how you wanted to go about contact.

I'm not sure how I'll feel after birth but I'll let you know or ask birthing partner to let you know when baby's here and we can go from there."

Watchkeys · 22/07/2022 17:03

Freup · 22/07/2022 17:01

@Fidgety31 @Watchkeys ok that’s true. I referenced it as he hasn’t been in touch so I think I wanted to express that we had both made mistakes and could both move forward. I see what you mean though.

You can easily say 'Regardless of any issues we've had in the past, I'd be more than happy to have you in baby's life...', without detailing what you see as his cock ups.

Loocheeyar · 22/07/2022 17:03

Just put

”can we talk ?”

and have a conversation in person

Freup · 22/07/2022 17:04

Ok thanks for input! This is helpful x

OP posts:
Freup · 22/07/2022 17:05

@Loocheeyar tried that many times ages ago and he refused so don’t think there’s much point trying to speak unfortunately

OP posts:
HappyToSmile · 22/07/2022 17:06

If you really want to send something and haven't already, simply send an amended version of your last 2 sentences. Ie "Dear Barry, no matter what happened between us, I would like you to be part of your baby's life"
However, He knows you're pregnant and knows how to get in touch and hasn't

girlmom21 · 22/07/2022 17:07

Freup · 22/07/2022 17:05

@Loocheeyar tried that many times ages ago and he refused so don’t think there’s much point trying to speak unfortunately

That's because "can we talk" suggests big deep, meaningful conversations. You don't need any of that. You need to forget you as a couple and your relationship. It needs to be completely amicable - level playing field - solely about baby.

Freup · 22/07/2022 17:09

I think ref to the past and explaining myself is linked to the idea I feel he blames me, otherwise why would he not have been in touch… so I opened with that. It’s true he could contact me I guess.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 22/07/2022 17:23

What benefit is he going to be to the baby? It doesn’t sound like he’ll be dad of the year

Freup · 22/07/2022 17:28

@Shoxfordian just think he can be decent sometimes and maybe he’d be great as a dad. It’s their dad and sadly I can’t change that :(

OP posts:
AmIWrongAgain · 22/07/2022 17:29

Have you posted about this before? It sounds familiar, I’m sorry you are still struggling with this and I can completely understand why. This must be hard on you. But you need to let him come to you, if he doesn’t want to, he won’t. It isn’t your fault. Your baby won’t blame you. Just be the best mum you can be, and claim child maintenance x

GreenManalishi · 22/07/2022 17:34

He will only be great as a dad if he's got the intention of being great as a dad, and even then it's not a given. There is no text message you can compose or chat you can have which will change the situation. Presuming you haven't moved house and all your mutual acquaintances haven't done the same, in which case he knows/can find out where you live if he has got any interest. Put all this energy into yourself and your baby, it is wasted on trying to lure attention from him.

SuperCamp · 22/07/2022 17:40

It doesn’t sound like having a dig at him to me, it sounds like wheedling, and apologising for stuff you have no need to apologise for.

I would just say ‘the time for the birth is approaching, can we talk about any involvement or role you might have in the baby’s life? Let me know what you think, thanks’.

And personally I would not put him on the birth certificate, and under no circumstances give your baby his name.

SunshineAndFizz · 22/07/2022 17:50

Yeah it's a bit long winded and blamey. If you want to bury the hatchet I'd keep it more high-level i.e. "the baby will be here soon, and it would be great if we can put the past behind us, start a friendship afresh and be the best co-parents possible."