Do you think this text was ok in the circumstances?

[Freup]

I sent this to my ex who left me in pregnancy. The name Barry is randomly chosen. Does it sound fair and reasonable? I don’t want to not do right by my baby and as much as I can’t believe some of the things that went on and how he left me, I don’t want him to feel the door is shut on him for the sake of the baby. I’ve not heard from him since first trimester and I’m now towards end of my third. This was the last message I’d sent.

“Hi. Barry, we both feel aggrieved about things and we both made mistakes. I am truly sorry for my part in it all, I never meant to hurt you, I was struggling with your drinking and general behaviour. I could have done better though. I know I said sometimes I would report your drinking or when you were questioning me I asked you to leave and said i’d call police if you didn’t… that was wrong of me and I apologise. I was hormonal and worried and lashing out in panic, it’s no excuse but there’s a context. You also made mistakes and I’ve put them behind me for the sake of our baby. Is there a reason we can’t be pleasant to one another, if nothing else? I thought what we once shared was valued by us both and I did try my best to hold onto it but it was met with deaf ears in the end. Perhaps it never meant as much to you as to me. Regardless of the relationship, surely we can speak like adults about the baby? I wish you no ill will and want you to be part of our child’s life. I hope you’re ok.’

I agree with PPs- that text drags up the past stuff, it doesnt sound as if it's behind you.

I'd have shortened it a lot:
"Hi Barry, I'm sorry for my part in what went on between us, and I would like you to be a part of our child’s life. Please let me know how you'd like to communicate in future regarding our baby, as it is important that we start building a constructive co-parenting relationship. Yours etc."

I remember getting very emotional and sort of sentimental about ‘family’ as the birth of my Dc approached.

You are remembering the good times you had and maybe thinking ‘if only….’ And ‘what if…’ etc about him being the loving Dad and supportive co-parent, and that the magic and wonder of a baby will work a miracle.

But the reality is that he drank to excess, wouldn’t leave, and indulged in general behaviour that you didn’t want to put up with. And hasn’t shown any interest or support in your pregnancy or the impending arrival of his child.

You need to prepare for being the best Mum you can be. You, like thousands of other fantastic single Mums, will be a great parent. You will feel the strain of doing it alone, but your baby will be secure and thrive with a great Mum.

I can see that you never want your child to think that you kept their father away, and all credit you you for sending him one message.

But in the end, if he wants to be involved, and is willing, loving and responsible he will be. And if he isn’t he is better off out of the picture.

And yes, he almost certainly meant more to you than you did to him. Don’t put yourself in a vulnerable emotional position with him.

Good luck OP.

I don't think you should have sent it at all, and you certainly shouldn't be apologising for his shitty behaviour. Fuck that.

It really does read as though you are trying to get back together. Why?

All you needed to say was "Baby will soon be here. Will you want any involvement in their life?" Not all of that over-emotional stuff.

He knows how to contact you but hasn't. That should tell you where things stand.

He's gone AWOL when you're pregnant with his child. Even without the problem drinking the bloke's a total waster. It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do during the relationship, if he was even a slightly decent man he'd be in some form of contact with you (even via a neutral third party if he felt you had abused him or some other extreme circumstance) regarding his child and his responsibility as a father. But he isn't. He's just fucked off.

I wouldn't have sent the text. I would not beg a man like this to be part of my baby's life. I would not put him on the birth certificate. I would simply forget about him and prepare for single motherhood.

Is he a doctor? If you're the poster I'm thinking of?

This is a good message.

But you need to accept that he might choose not to have any relationship with the baby.

If you are concerned about his drinking and general behaviour I would not be encouraging any sort of relationship with your child. I would stop with the messages. If he wants to be an involved Dad he should step up and keep off the booze.

Honestly I would send a message to say “hi as you are probably aware baby is due any day around x, I will let you know once baby has arrived and we can then discuss contact arrangements for you to see your son/daughter”

Am I right in thinking you've already sent this? So our opinions don't really matter as it's already done? I doubt you've helped the situation to be fair, but at the same time i doubt anything you could do would help the situation, it's pretty clear he has no interest. The message sounds like you want him back and so are saying some things were maybe your fault while really you think all the problems were actually his fault (which maybe they were but i doubt he sees it that way).

I'd leave it now, let him know when the baby is born - just the factual information and nothing more and then don't contact him again. Concentrate on you and the little one.

He knows. I wouldn't contact him anymore.
Make sure he pays maint.
If he wanted to he would. Adults don't need to be reminded to do the right thing.