White lies or red flags?

[Anonanonon]

Recently started dating someone - very early days, but showing promise. However, noticed had a few instances of discovering my date is being economical with the truth on occasion already - for example:

• told me I was the second person she online dated (turned out I was the fourth)
• said none of her exes followed her on social media (actually three do)
• told me (unprompted) she enjoyed a fairly mild sex act (actually not that fussed about it at all)

I can kind of see the case for these individually, I guess - they’re all little white lies, where at this stage in dating she wouldn’t want to put me off/present herself in a better light. But the truth is, if she’d been honest in all three it really wouldn’t have put me off at all.

In fact, discovering she was lying slightly triggers me more as I was gaslighted on many occasions by my ex. So just wanted to get some perspective from posters here - have you done similar with dates past and present? Or do you even think this might be a pattern of behaviour I should note? As a bloke I tend to be quite straight with these things so just want to be reassured!

Trust your gut instinct.

If this relationship is very early days, how did you find out about points 1 and 2?

What does it matter if any of her exes follow her on SM if they finished amicably?

Point three I couldn't get fussed about.

Sounds like she is really insecure tbh and that would put me off.

How old is she? Now I'm in my mid thirties I just don't give a shit about telling someone exactly what I'm like. Some of my friends think I put myself out there in a bad light but I don't care. I am who I am and I'm not going to pretend I'm someone else. My exh pretended he was someone else until we got married, he pretended he was laid back when actually anxiety and OCD behaviours ruled his life, he pretended he liked things when he didn't really like them - like loud music. It was odd.

How is the third one a lie OP? Not sure if I’m missing something, was it a thing she’d previously said she didn’t like?

Ooh wait, I read the not fussed part as being how you felt, but that’s what she’d said?

Point 1 went back to her place and the calendar on the wall had “date” with time scribbled on four days - “uhh…” moment ensued and she fessed up. No biggie for me.

Point 2 became friends on Facebook and became obvs from content of many photos that friends tagged in said photos were her exes. And I agree, what does it matter? I said I’m not fussed about that. Just the fact she felt she had to lie about it - maybe you could ask her the same question since it was evidently more an issue for her than for me!

@Naunet yes, that’s how she felt. I guess she wanted to appear willing, even though I wouldn’t have minded if she wasn’t.

White lies, in quantity, ARE red flags.

This would be a red flag for me.

Habitual lying, often pointlessly, was one of my Ex's traits, and eventually I felt like they just said whatever gave them the easiest life. It wasn't just to me, either, it was with everyone they interacted with. It wasn't malicious, more just bone idleness.

@MaxOverTheMoon we’re both on our thirties.

*in our thirties

I would move on.

She told you lies when there was no need for her to.

Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who tells you what they think you want to hear, and whether you care or not about what she is talking about?

I don’t think you should hold the third one against her, there’s a lot of pressure on women to be up for all kinds of sex acts, especially younger women.

The second one, it seems you don’t actually know this for an absolute fact? You could ask her about it, but it might make you look a little jealous. I’m not sure I’d mention it, because ultimately, what does it matter? Maybe she just forgot?

The first, well again, I’d cut some slack, she might have been worried about being labelled as a slut or something, it’s not like that doesn’t happen, and if she liked you, she would have been keen to make a good impression.

I guess over all I’d let these things go, but if any bigger, more relevant lies crop up, then it would be time to rethink.

@Naunet why would you tell lies to someone when they haven't even asked you about the issue?

You don't trust her and have been checking up on her on SM. Doesn't bode well for either of you, for different but related reasons.

Excuse me, who am I lying to?! I never said I would do this, so stop with the aggressive accusations please.

OP asked for opinions, if I had experienced this, I’d let it go, but look out for bigger lies. So sorry if that upsets you.

It's tricky isn't it. Do you feel as though you could light-heartedly speak to her about it? Tell her you like her exactly as she is and there's no need for little half-truths. I would then gauge her response for clues to her trustworthiness.

I.e. if she 'doesn't know', or she 'forgot' why she said those things - she is just a liar and has no reason. If perhaps she understands and explains her reasoning, then the talk can only bring you closer imo.

I think the date thing is something people can do stereotypically. Especially when younger. IE - women might say they've had less partners, men might say they've had more.

If she had a controlling ex, for example, she might be in the habit of downplaying things to appease him. However that is problematic coming into a new relationship.

I wouldn't be happy with lots of white lies. Especially insignificant ones, where there is absolutely no reason to lie. I despise it. My ex-ex would lie about all sorts, from spending money to what he'd been doing for the day, and even telling stories he'd heard as if they were his own - how can you respect somebody like that?

My DF has told me lies about things I'd not care about at all.. like he would look up nudes online all the time. All. The. Time. I don't care really. But when I saw he was doing it when we were visiting family I was like "can you not?" Like.. just do it when I'm not with you and we're not out? Feels disrespectful to me. He then went on this big thing about how he's not going to look anymore, then carried on looking. Like I'm not bothered!!! Just don't bloody look when I'm sat with you?? Why lie about looking at something IDC about. It's the lies I despise.

Anyway sorry for the waffle! Hope you find answers. Xx

Completely agree

I had a bf who told other people's stories! He had a very colouful past and enough stories of his own, was really weird to hear him making out like he was doing things he wasn't but someone else had.

I didn't read @RedWingBoots comment as rude @Naunet I think you've jumped the gun a bit there!

Hmmm I'm not sure here. I don't think any of these are huge lies to be honest but I'm also very sensitive to stuff like this.

I've been dating someone a few years and I know they told a few white lies. Stuff like how long it was since they had sex, how long they'd been on online dating, a few other things.

I wouldn't end it over any of these. I think we do bend the truth a little in the early stages. Maybe I even did on a few things. I don't think I lied but we do put our best foot forward and maybe try to impress or minimise things. It's not ideal but I think it's common. Might be insecurity etc.

I think if you meet online people do tend to minimise how long they've been on or how many dates they've had etc. I can see why. Obviously there are many many scammers and liars etc too on there but I don't think this is that.

I'd just keep my eyes open. I did. I put it down to insecurity. I haven't had any other huge red flags since or what I can see are outright lies. I've even pulled him up on a couple of the white lies and he's fessed up and said he didn't want to look sad or whatever... so might have bent the truth slightly!

@Naunet I wasn't accusing you of being a liar and you have jumped the gun.

You said bigger lies are what you should clamp down on. I was simply asking why would someone tell lies when they weren't asked about a question about the issue they decided to tell a lie about?

I have an issue with people lying, regardless of how big or small the lie, is because I've been in situations where an issue could have been dealt with quicker and smoother if someone had told the truth from the beginning.

I totally get this. I used to have a friend that did this- often pointless, white lies but just constantly with everyone.
She was laughing about how lying was just second nature to her one day. She was pretty proud of the fact that it could roll of the tongue so easily but me and her other friends were quite hurt. Nobody likes to be lied to, especially not by a best friend.
I got to the point where I never knew what was the truth or a lie, so I tuned out and got other friends.
I really think she has a problem with lying though. She did get many people in trouble and herself in much trouble from lying and it could be with malicious intent as well.
As far as I know, she doesn't really have any friends left because I after a while, people realise what's she's like and get exhausted.

These are 3 lies that you've found out.

How many more do you not know about yet?

Dating is about getting to know someone. If that person is a liar, you aren't getting to know them, and you aren't even getting to know their 'best representative' (the person we all send on the first few dates). You are getting to know the person she wants you to think she is - or the person she thinks you want her to be. Neither is good.

I'd be done at this point. There's a lot of bullshit spoken about 'white lies'. Lies are lies. She's a liar.

The best way to decide if something is a red flag is to call it that as soon as you think it might be one. Feeling that something might be a red flag is the sign that you're uncomfortable with the behaviour, your boundaries are coming up, you don't trust, you don't feel safe.

None of this stuff happens in healthy relationships. You'd never ask the 'is my partner exhibiting red flag behaviour? I'm not sure...' question.

A red flag is your feeling of discomfort. There's no definitive 'red flag list'. Some things might be a red flag for others, but not for you. And vice versa. Owning a rat would be a red flag for someone who had a rat phobia, for example. You are the only one who can decide if this lying is red flaggy enough for you.

Hi everyone - sorry to resurrect this post however have an update.

Basically, I felt my past was making me more triggered by those examples than I needed to be and, in later discussions, she shared about having insecurities and not wanting to appear like a loose woman in the early days, etc.

We're still dating and 99% of it is great.

Unfortunately there's a few more white lies that have come to light and, I'll be honest, I feel a bit deflated by it all. On the other hand it feels superficial and picky to make such a big deal about such minimal things. However, as a wider pattern, with my relationship history, I'd be lying if it hadn't triggered trust issues and feeling "how can I believe her sincerity on any compliment or anything else"? in the future:

• She insisted on telling me that our first kiss was special (I didnt ask about it - this was a spontaneous statement), as up until then shes put up with bad kisses from her ex - so much so, she messaged her friends "why did I wait so long to experience this"? I was slightly sceptical, I must admit, as I knew she'd had successful dates before meeting me, including one she'd said was especially hot. But she insisted. And told me this again a few times over the time we've dated. Then, last night, we had a few drinks and got particularly relaxed. She brought up her previous date and told me, she had very much enjoyed kissing them. I reacted by telling her what she'd repeated many times before, but she defended herself by saying that it still counted because "I was the second person she had an enjoyable kiss with".
• Similar to the above. She told me, again unprompted or fished for, that she'd wondered if she enjoyed sex at all - until she met me. Again, confessed last night that actually the revelation that she enjoyed sex was with the other guy. When I reacted "hang on a minute, you said up until now... [her previous claim] she said it still counted "because, even though it wasn't me, I confirmed that she enjoyed sex".

I'm not particulary a guy who gets jealous about exes or judges people's sexual past - I've repeatedly told her I don't care and my ego's secure enough it doesn't need to be stroked with made up claims like these. What bugs me is, instead of listening, she:

• Doubled down and insisted it was true
• Continued to tell me these things on multiple occasions when i wasn't even fishing for them.
• When its come to light they weren't actually true, she still gets defensive about it all and claims I'm making a dig at her having a poor memory.

The truth is, whilst being a nice ego boost in the short term, the truth (inevitably) coming out, means I now feel deflated (as they weren't true), manipulated and wondering if I can take seriously any compliments she gives me in the future at all. However, I'm aware I'm someone who was gaslighted badly in the past and so this kind of thing might be especially triggering for me. Am I over reacting? Can anyone help me understand why she might have done this in the first place? is this somethng anyone's done and dealt with, with their partner themselves? Just need some advice to get this in context.